Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012
Jerks of the Week for July 9, 2012
JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of Toscana
All of my friends and family members love going to Toscana, an Italian restaurant around the corner from my house. All I've been hearing this past year is, "Mmmmblehblehbleh we're going to Toscana, it's so awesome mmmmblehblehbleh."
I've declined every single invitation to Toscana because I hate it. Granted, I had never been there prior to last Wednesday, but it was a safe assumption that this was one of those pretentious Italian establishments - where it's impossible to read anything on the menu.
I may be alone in this, but I think that's the worst. Most people are seemingly fluent in Italian because they have no problem going to places like Toscana or Bertucci's, but I only know a couple of words in that language. I'm aware that amore means love, and I know sayonara means goodbye, but other than that, I don't know a lick of Italian.
Unfortunately, I received some terrible news last week. My friend Val called me that Tuesday...
Val: Hey, we're going out to dinner for Polina's (my cousin) birthday tomorrow night.
Me: OK, where are we going?
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY, GOD, WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?
I wouldn't be able to get out of it this time. I was finally forced into going to Toscana. And while I did have fun hanging out with my friends, I predictably had a horrific dining experience. As you can imagine, several things went wrong for me that night:
I was super hungry when we were seated, so I eagerly opened the menu, praying that I could find some sort of dish that I recognized, since I refuse to eat anything I don't understand.
The header of the first page read: "Primi - Appetizers." I love appetizers - who doesn't? - but what the hell does Primi mean? Is that some sort of appetizer, like a premium appetizer? I don't like fancy-shmancy things, so I looked for a page with the words, "Ordini - Appetizers" (ordinary appetizers), but I couldn't find one.
I became even more disgruntled when I pored over the premium appetizer listings:
Tuscan Stuffed Mushrooms cremini mushroom caps filled with hot and sweet sausage & fresh aromatic herbs. baked with tuscan cheeses.
Nope. I hate mushrooms. They're disgusting. The only mushrooms I eat are the ones that make me bigger or give me an extra life.
Mozzarella Flambe blend of grilled mozzarella & asiago cheese flamed with sambuca. served with grilled pear & our fresh strawberry reduction.
Nope. While mozzarella sounds good, I don't know what flambe is. And flamed with sambuca? What the hell is a sambuca?
Roasted Caprese chilled roasted plum tomatoes, charcoal grilled peppers, fior di latte mozzarella, crispy leaks, basil, olive oil, & balsamic glaze.
Nope. Caprese sounds like some sort of fish, and I'm not a huge fish guy unless it's fried fish or fish sticks.
Warm Crab Cheesecake a savory blend of cheese, jumbo lump crab, shrimp, roast pepper coulis & cucumber fresco.
Nope. I never got the infatuation with cheesecake. I think it's disgusting. Whoever thought that putting cheese into a cake was a good idea should be hanged.
Grappa Shrimp jumbo shrimp smothered in our delicious tuscan grappa infused buffalo sauce. accented with blue cheese & celery sticks.
Nope. I like shrimp, but not shrimp with grapes.
Elba Island Mussels island mussels sauteed in garlic, extra virgin olive oil, white wine, plum tomato, shaved fennel & fresh herbs. served with grilled tuscan peasant bread.
Nope. Wasn't Napoleon Dynamite deported to Elba Island at some point in his life? I don't want to eat mussels from there, whatever the hell mussels are.
Fried Calamari semolina crusted fresh calamari & zucchini fried & served with an authentic tuscan flair. complimented by our homemade marinara & cocktail sauces.
Nope. I'm not sure what calamari is, but it sounds disgusting.
Asparagus Al Parmigiano prosciutto wrapped fire grilled white & green asparagus accompanied with parmesan panna cotta. accented with a balsamic glaze.
Nope: If my mom couldn't force me to eat asparagus as a kid, why the hell would I order it on my own volition? And I don't know who Al Parmigiano is (some mobster?), but placing his name after asparagus doesn't make it any better. But hey, at least it's not Broccoli Al Parmigiano.
Tuscan Wings gourmet chicken wings coated with our vintage grappa infused tuscan medium spicy sauce. served with celery sticks & blue cheese.
Nope. I'm not a huge wing guy, but I'll eat them. But look what it says in the description: "vintage grappa." Grape-juice covered wings? I'll pass.
Salumeria aged prosciutto, salami, tuscan cheeses, grilled vegetables, olives, & crostini.
Nope. Not even going to venture a guess with this one.
Oh, and then there was the all-too-familiar first item on the premium appetizer list:
Bruschetta grilled artisan bread topped with marinated tomato, basil, fresh garlic, & imported extra virgin olive oil. add fior di latte mozzarella.
Some of you might be thinking, "Walt, why didn't you order the bruschetta? You must like mozzarella sticks, and Bruschettas sound exactly like mozzarella sticks!"
A classic rookie mistake. Contrary to popular belief, Bruschettas are not anything at all like mozzarella sticks. I've chronicled my past troubles with this in my Restaurant Jerks of the Week entry back in 2009.
My friend Body Burner, who was clever enough not to fall for the Bruschetta ruse, brought up that jerks entry.
Body Burner: I can't believe that you thought Bruscchettas were mozzarella sticks.
Me: What do you mean? The description is clearly designed to trick the customers.
Body Burner: How?
Me: OK, it says bread. Then it says marinated, which is the same thing as marinara. Umm... garlic and olive oil, I'm not sure. But then look, mozzarella! What other sort of food has bread, marinara and mozzarella?
Body Burner just shook his head in disgust. He realized that I was right. Pretentious Italian restaurants have screwed over customers for decades - and perhaps even centuries - by fooling the na´ve into thinking that they have mozzarella sticks on their appetizer menu.
Now I know better. I just need to find the Ordini - Appetizers page.
Body Burner has been attempting to become a Jerk of the Week for years. He's constantly asked stuff like, "Walt if I pour this bottle of Pepsi over your head, can I be a Jerk of the Week?" or, "Walt, if I abandon you on the side of the road while we're driving to the bowling alley, can I be a Jerk of the Week?"
This has not stopped. He even made a similar inquiry earlier that very night: "Walt, if I burn down this restaurant with everyone still inside, can I be a Jerk of the Week?" I told him he would be, but I wouldn't be able to write about it because of my burn wounds. Plus, I'd have to change his name to Building Burner anyway.
As it turns out, Body Burner did something somewhat inadvertently that was more egregious than dumping soda on my head, randomly kicking me out of his car and torching a building, all at the same time. He tricked me into eating disgusting food.
There were no cheese fries or mozzarella sticks on the menu, so I didn't order any appetizers. However, two were ordered for the table, one of which was the aforementioned Fried Calamari thing. I wasn't going to try any until Body Burner convinced me.
Body Burner: You should try this. You'd like it.
Me: No. I don't like to try new things. I don't know what fried calamari is.
Body Burner: Dude, it's just fried chicken and there's cocktail sauce. It's awesome.
Me: Fried chicken? I like fried chicken.
I picked up a piece of calamari - which was seemingly too stringy to be fried chicken - and I dumped it into cocktail sauce and then shoved it into my mouth. NOM NOM NOM NOM. I couldn't even taste the fried chicken; I was just enjoying the fantastic cocktail sauce.
Body Burner: You like it?
Me: Yeah, this cocktail sauce is great.
Body Burner: I mean the calamari.
Me: Oh. I guess it's OK. I couldn't really taste it with all of this cocktail sauce NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Body Burner: It's squid.
Body Burner: Calamari is squid. Hey everyone, I told Walt that calamari was fried chicken so that he would eat it!
Me: Well... well... you're going to be a Jerk of the Week!
When I announced this, Body Burner looked like a kid opening up presents on Christmas morning. His dreams were finally fulfilled.
Now, you might be wondering why I essentially rewarded him for tricking me. Well, I don't feel like being drenched in soda, left on the side of the road or engulfed by flames. Oh, and I was also in a good mood because I just had some yummy cocktail sauce.
The restaurant business is screwed up. You can get a better meal for less than $10 at Subway or Wawa than you can at overrated French restaurants that charge you $100 for something that doesn't taste good. The restaurant business continues to thrive, however, because of idiot hipsters who think they are too fancy for Subway or Wawa.
Toscana is somewhere in between. It's not expensive there, but it's not cheap either. Using restaurant logic, that should indicate that the food is mediocre. And it was.
One of the few things I recognized on the menu was, "Chicken Parmigiana in a light tomato sauce, fresh mozzarella & served with baked pasta bianca." That's obviously chicken parm. I know two words in Italian, but even I'm aware of that. My only reservation was that "bianca" thing at the end, but I was willing to take the risk.
My chicken parm came with my choice of a Caesar salad or something called a "Tuscan Wedge." This seemed like an easy choice, but my friend Wild Ginger (formerly known as Adrienne) changed my mind.
Me: Ha! Caesar salad or Tuscan Wedge? What kind of idiotic choice is that? Of course I'll take a Caesar salad.
Wild Ginger: Tuscan Wedge is really good!
Me: What? Impossible. What the hell is it?
Wild Ginger: It's like a wedge where you have lettuce, bacon bits and blue cheese dressing. It's awesome.
Holy crap. Lettuce, bacon bits and blue cheese? Umm... could I have like 10 of those? Seriously, it's tasty and healthy, so why not?
My Tuscan Wedge was delivered to me about 20 minutes later. I was disappointed, however. It tasted good, but I had to use my knife and fork to cut the wedge, which was just a brick of lettuce. I spent like five minutes cutting it up and making it into a salad. Body Burner watched me do this and laughed, "It's like they were just too lazy to make a real salad, so they just gave you a brick of lettuce instead."
Seriously. Why not just have a Tuscan salad instead of some sort of ambiguous Tuscan Wedge? It's almost like Toscana wanted to cut corners by not hiring a salad chef. Granted, finding people who can make good salads is expensive, but if you're going to charge close to $20 for chicken parm, I think you can afford it.
Speaking of the chicken parm, that was an even bigger disappointment. The chicken was the appropriate size, but there was cheese on only a small portion of it. Even worse, the lack of pasta was alarming. There was no spaghetti whatsoever. Instead, they gave me a block of noodles. I regret slicing off a chuck of the noodle brick because I would have liked to have shown you a picture of what it looked like when it was delivered to me:
Just try to imagine that thing on the left as a pasta cube. That's all I got. If you order chicken parm anywhere else, you get pasta under your chicken. But not at fancy-shmancy Toscana. Instead, the customer gets screwed over again, just like they do with the Bruschettas.
The silver lining is that I can now add a third word to my Italian vocabulary. It's safe to assume that "bianca" means: "A crappy brick of pasta replacing the usual spaghetti accompanying the chicken parm, which is a common thing pretentious Italian restaurants use to give the paying customers a rotten experience." Well f*** you, Toscana, and f*** your biancas.
The waitress brought our bill after a painful meal. The girls were taking a long time figuring everything out, so in the meantime, Body Burner had fun laughing at my food habits, pointing to random things on a stray menu that was still on the table.
Body Burner: Would you eat anything on this page?
Me: No. I can't read what any of it says.
Body Burner: What about this page?
Me: No. It's all gibberish to me. Like "eggplant." That's disgusting.
Body Burner: You know what that is. It's that purple thing.
Me: Yeah, but why would anyone eat it? It sounds awful. Eggs and plants together at the same time? Pass.
Body Burner shook his head and laughed again, presumably realizing that chefs have been fooling people for centuries by putting something as gross as an eggplant on the menu. Meanwhile, we were seemingly not any closer to paying the bill.
Me: What the hell's the holdup here?
Val: We're trying to figure out how much money to put in.
Me: Just divide it up evenly and put the same amount of money in. It's not that difficult.
I was ignored. All I kept hearing was, "I didn't get that. You got that. No, he got that. Oh, I got this. No you didn't get this, you got that. Who ordered that? Where was this on the bill? Oh, I see it."
It would have been agonizing if I weren't texting an awesome girl who likes football. All of the other guys - Body Burner, Matt, Not Asian Guy and Eugene - just sat there for nearly a half hour while all of the girls calculated their bulls***. They were all about to lose it when the bill came around to us. We looked at each other, said, "$30 each? OK," and just threw $30 down. It didn't even take half a minute.
That night, I had a dream that I was drugged and taken to Toscana. I was sitting down when a plate of their chicken parm was placed onto the table in front of me - only the parm part of the chicken was even smaller than usual. I then looked at the brick of pasta, which turned into a monster and attacked me. It choked me, shouting, "You'll never have a filling dinner ever again! Muhahahahaha!"
I woke up in a cold sweat. Phew. Just a dream. After splashing my face with water, I climbed back into bed and fell asleep rather quickly, taking solace into the fact that no one would ever be able to force me to go back to Toscana ever again.
More Jerks of the Week:
Jerks of the Week - Home
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein
2013 Fantasy Football Rankings - May 21
2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 21
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 20
2013 NBA Mock Draft - May 3
NFL Picks - Feb. 3
© 1999-2013 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
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