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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010




Jerks of the Week for Dec. 13, 2010


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: No Space Man

This is probably the eleventy billionth time I've written about No Space Man. If this is the first time you're reading about this freak of nature, here's a quick synopsis:

  • No Space Man was given this nickname because his best friend disinvited him from a birthday party because there was "no space" for him.

  • No Space Man blatantly lied to me about how many laps he did in the pool; we both got in at the same time, and I lapped him about 10 times, yet he claimed he swam just as much as I did.

  • He invited himself to the movies with me. I gave him the wrong time on purpose. Muhahahaha.

  • Before I went swimming one day, No Space Man told me he forgot how many laps he swam. When I was done my workout and told him I swam a mile, he replied, "That's how much I did!"

    To this point, I just considered No Space Man to be a very odd pathological liar with no friends. Now, I'm beginning to think that there's a much deeper issue at hand.

    Two weeks ago, I was in the locker room. No Space Man was there fidgeting around with his phone. Perhaps he was texting his best friend to learn that there was no room for him at the next party.

    The only other people in the locker room at this juncture were two kids, one about 14 and the other 10 or so. They apparently were brothers because they had the following argument:

    Older Brother: You're adopted!

    Younger Brother: No, you're adopted!

    Older Brother: Nah-uh!

    Younger Brother: Ya-huh!

    I wouldn't have thought anything about this, but No Space Man began talking to the kids. He asked them completely random questions, like:

    No Space Man: What kind of soda do you guys drink at the restaurant?

    Younger Brother: Coke!

    No Space Man: I don't like Coke. I like Sprite!

    Older Brother: OK?

    Younger Brother: I like Sprite too!

    Older Brother seemed aware that No Space Man was some sort of weirdo. Younger Brother, however, was too young and naive, as you'll see by what happened next.

    Suddenly, Younger Brother exclaimed, "I'm having trouble with my zipper!" He couldn't zip up his jeans. No Space Man noticed this.

    No Space Man: Here let me help you!

    Younger Brother: OK thank you!

    Older Brother: Wait... wait... wait... don't help him.

    Come on, No Space Man. Under no circumstances should any 26-year-old dude help a little kid zip up his pants. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I guess?

    At any rate, I finished changing when I overheard the final exchange between No Space Man and the two brothers.

    No Space Man: Hey guys, what are your phone numbers?

    Older Brother (apparently thinking quickly): Uhh... I don't have a phone. It fell into the river.

    *** Your phone fell into the river? How does that happen? It doesn't, so bravo, Older Brother! ***

    Younger Brother: Na-uh! I don't have a phone, but his phone number is...

    Older Brother slapped his forehead. Thanks to Younger Brother's naivety, No Space Man now had Older Brother's phone number.

    Sorry, Older Brother. You'll now have to think of numerous excuses to avoid hanging out with No Space Man. Fortunately, telling No Space Man the wrong movie time works rather well.






    JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Fat Sports Bra Chick

    I saw No Space Man the following day. There weren't any young boys around, so he focused his attention on me.

    No Space Man: Hey Walter! Are you going swimming?

    Me: Yup.

    No Space Man: The pool is closed!

    Me: What? No it's not. I just came in through the pool deck.

    No Space Man: Oh... haha, tricked you!

    I can now fully understand why No Space Man's best friend ran out of room for him at his party.

    Anyway, I went swimming. I completed half my workout when I noticed something moving above me. I stopped, and saw that someone was moving the lane line over. The person doing this was this obscenely fat chick. She was wearing an orange t-shirt with a black sports bra on top of it.

    I've never seen this before. Why would any woman wear a sports bra over her shirt? Perhaps to catch the crumbs that fall out of her mouth?

    Anyway, Fat Sports Bra Chick was moving the lane line over so some little girls could play in the pool. Fat Sports Bra Chick then said something to me. I only heard parts of it because I had water in my ears. I imagine it was something like:

    NOM NOM NOM NOM, YOU MUST MOVE SO LITTLE KID CAN PLAY IN POOL IF YOU DO NOT MOVE I WILL EAT YOU NOM NOM NOM NOM.

    Fearing for my life, I moved over two lanes. Before I began swimming again, I overheard the following conversation between Fat Sports Bra Chick's little girls and the male lifeguard working there:

    Little Girls: YOU LOOK LIKE SHREK!!!!

    Lifeguard: I look like Shrek? That's not very nice.

    Fat Sports Bra Chick: HWA HWA HWA HWA!!!

    Little Girls: NOOOOO YOU LOOK LIKE SHARK BOY!!!!

    Lifeguard: Shark Boy? Where's that from?

    Little Girls: FROM CHARLIE BROWN!!!

    Umm... what? I don't ever remember there being a Shark Boy on Charlie Brown. I remember Linus, Lucy, Peppermint Patty, Pig Pen, Schroeder, the Great Big Pumpkin and the red-headed tramp Charlie Brown lusted after. But Shark Boy? What the hell is that all about?

    I do have a possible explanation - it could be conceivable that Fat Sports Bra Chick steals the little girls' lunches every day and hides all the food in her sports bra. Then, when the little girls are preoccupied by the TV, she scarfs all the food down. The starved little girls, who become so delirious because they're deprived of their lunches, hallucinate when watching TV.

    Yes. This is the explanation for Shark Boy.

    When I finished swimming, the fat guy in the lane next to mine looked at me and said, "I'd rather have all the dead people in the pool than these little girls."

    Now, this is a man who is thinking clearly. Apparently, Fat Sports Bra Chick hasn't been able to steal his lunch yet.




    JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: 35th Anniversary

    As you may know, I play basketball at my gym on Saturdays. I was not able to do this a week ago because the courts were closed all day Friday and Saturday.

    I walked into the gym that Friday. I peered into the basketball court, and saw that there were tables and banners everywhere. It looked like they were having some sort of auction or charity event. I then saw my friend Mike, a gym employee, carrying some chairs around.

    Me: What's going on with the basketball court?

    Mike: There's some sort of 35th-anniversary party going on tomorrow.

    What? Who the hell would have their 35th anniversary at a gym? That has to be the most unromantic thing ever. There are only two reasonable explanations for this:

    1. The couple met on the basketball court at this gym and eventually got married - which is unlikely because the only female non-employees at the gym are fat, old women who want to eat me.

    2. The couple is so old and senile that they don't even realize where their anniversary party is being held. Don't think this is possible? Consider the following:

    Old Man: Hey shonny, where are my animal crackersh?

    Old Woman: Who are you? What are you doing in my house?

    Old Man: Weh? It was you who shtole my animal crackersh!

    Old Woman: Look at this paper! It says there's a 35th-anniversary party this Saturday. I wonder whose party this is.

    Old Man: I ain't going to no party until I get my animal crackersh.

    Anyway, I finished working out and went up to the front desk to ask what was going on with this party. Of the two women sitting at the front desk, one was a young, hot blonde. The other was a fat lady with red hair.

    Me (trying to act cool in front of the hot chick): What's up with this 35th-anniversary party?

    Hot Chick: Did you see how it looks? It looks incredible!

    Me (lying): Oh, umm... yes. Very incredible. Looks awesome.

    Fat Woman: Yes, they did a great job.

    *** What the hell? Why don't these two broads see that there's something wrong with having a 35th-anniversary party on a dirty basketball court? I finally couldn't take it anymore - screw trying to game the hot chick. ***

    Me: Who has their anniversary at a gym though? Kinda weird, don't you think?

    *** The fat woman looked appalled when I said this. Crap, was it her parents' anniversary or something? ***

    Me: Umm... not that there's anything wrong with having a 35th anniversary on a basketball court.

    Fat Woman: It's the gym's 35th anniversary.

    Me: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh... That makes so much more sense.

    Hot Chick: Haha, did you really think a married couple was having their 35th anniversary here?

    Me: Yeah, I'm an idiot, what can I say? So, can anyone go to this?

    Hot Chick: You need a ticket.

    Me: A ticket? What's that run, 15, 20 bucks?

    *** The fat woman looked appalled yet again. ***

    Fat Woman: It's very expensive. They only sent out invitations to the wealthy people.

    Me: Oh, so it's like 40 bucks then?

    Hot Chick: No, it's $150.

    Me: What!?

    Who the hell is going to pay $150 to go to a party at a gym? If I'm laying down that kind of cash, there better be strippers, a high probability of a threesome and lots of cheeseburgers.

    Unfortunately, my gym doesn't provide those things. The first two items on the list are a long shot. We can't even get hot chicks to come to the gym to work out.

    And the cheeseburgers? Unfortunately, Fat Woman and Fat Sports Bra Chick will polish those off before the party even begins.



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    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Dec. 19


    2015 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 17


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


    2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


    2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


    NFL Free Agents





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