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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 7, 2009




Jerks of the Week for Dec. 7, 2009

JERK OF THE HOLIDAYS: Tiger Woods

Instead of giving you three Jerks of the Week, I'm posting one Jerk of the Holidays. It's Tiger Woods, and I'll give you seven reasons why he's earned this honor, starting with...

1. I Hate Golf

Well, I don't hate golf. I just really dislike it when ESPN covers it instead of something else, and when channels like NBC and CBS broadcast it instead of a football or basketball game.

I find golf incredibly dull, and I don't understand how people can watch it. I might have some interest in it if the golf commissioners/presidents install some windmills and clown faces on each course. That would be at least somewhat entertaining.

Unfortunately, there are no real obstacles on a golf course. Oh no, that golfer might hit that pine tree! Oh gosh, that ball is heading for the beach hole! That's not fun. Windmills and clowns are fun. Trees and beaches are not fun (unless there are women in bikinis on the beaches, in which case I'd be all for beach holes on the golf course.)

** I didn't even plan on writing this, but I think I just came up with a great idea. They could have women in bikinis laying out in those beach holes on the golf course. How awesome would that be? It would attract a lot more viewers, and you could put umbrellas over them so the balls don't hit them. How would this not work? If the golf presidents/commissioners install this plan, I want royalties.**

But what does all of this have to do with Tiger Woods aside from it being his profession? Well, that brings me to my next point.


2. Reason for Being Famous

Why is Tiger Woods famous? Is it because he's a great golfer? Definitely not - most people not involved in sports don't know who Phil Mickelson is. They may have heard the name, but most people wouldn't recognize him if he walked down the street.

Is Tiger famous because of his cool name? Possibly. But if I change my name to Tiger Cherepinsky, I'm sure ESPN wouldn't follow me around and televise my Web site updates.

The reason Tiger is famous, of course, is because he's a minority golfer. I love how the biased media lauds itself for being above looking at race, yet is willing to eat Tiger's feces for dinner just because he's not white.

I really don't care if Tiger's black, white, Asian, Mexican, whatever he is. He's a boring guy playing a boring sport that barely anyone watches. I'm just sick of being subjected to PTI and Around the Horn spending two obligatory minutes each day talking about how great he is.






3. Tigers Don't Cry!

If it sounds like I'm whiny right now, well, maybe it's because I'm just emulating the person I'm writing about.

Tiger Woods is one of the whiniest people in the sports world. (I wouldn't consider golf a sport, but ESPN covers it, so let's humor them.) I don't think I've gone a week without seeing ESPN highlights of Tiger complaining about someone in the stands.

"Wahhh!!! He ruined my swing wahhh!!!"

"Wahhh!!! The guy took a picture of me when I was swinging wahhh!!!"

Ugh, just shut up already, you whiny a**hole.

If I watched golf, I'd root for John Daly. He's the opposite of Tiger Woods. He's a fat slob who drinks himself into oblivion all the time. And he's always up there in the standings when these golfers play their stupid tournaments like the Canadian Open or something.

And people want to argue that golf is a sport, yet fat alcoholics can compete with the "greats." Ha!


4. Tigers Don't Say People Are Irresponsible

If you somehow missed it, Tiger Woods was involved in a car accident where he crashed into a fire hydrant and then a tree at 2 a.m. on Black Friday. Tiger was obviously rushing to the store to buy a portrait of himself.

After the crash, Tiger, covered with facial lacerations, was found lying shoeless and snoring in the street.

Since then, people have speculated on Internet message boards that Tiger had been having trysts with some woman despite being married with two children.

Tiger was not happy with this. On his Web site, he called these rumor mongers "irresponsible" for talking about a possible affair of his.

You know what's irresponsible, Tiger? Crashing your SUV into a fire hydrant and a tree! When you do something stupid like that, people are going to spread rumors.

And let's not forget that you're a public figure. You endorse products so that your trusting fans will buy them. How are people supposed to believe your word if you hide in your chateau and not tell the public what's going on? And how about sleeping with every single woman on the planet? That's irresponsible (but probably a good time)!




5. Not-So-Secret Affair

I've never been married, so I've never had the opportunity to cheat on my wife. But when I do have an affair in the future, I'm going to make sure that I create an alias and get fake IDs so I can rent a hotel room under that name. I will also get a fake job so that my wife doesn't suspect anything. I'm going to be as inconspicuous as possible. No one will ever find out the truth!

I don't know what Tiger was doing, but he was not inconspicuous.

If you're as famous as Tiger Woods, what are you doing having an affair? Everyone is going to know. If he walks into a hotel, people will mob him for autographs. He can't go anywhere without being recognized. How in the world is he going to sleep around with some woman?

Here are Tiger's options to avoid being recognized:

1. Wear one of those glasses-and-mustache disguises: Not very effective. Some people will be fooled, but others will see right through it. I'm not so cunning, unfortunately. It gets me every time.

2. Bang a girl in your big SUV: Very effective, but you'd have to question the "cleanliness" of a woman if she's willing to have an affair exclusively in a car.

3. Buy a house for each woman so you can just go there to have a sexy time: Extremely effective, but illegal! In this case, Tiger is actually paying for sex. If this is happening, he should be thrown in jail.

And that's about it. Tiger, if you did in fact cheat on your wife, you're an idiot because you were going to get caught. It wasn't a matter of if; it was a matter of when.


6. Hot Wife

And speaking of Tiger's wife, why would he cheat on her? She's a hot Swedish nanny for crying out loud! There is nothing hotter on this planet than a Swedish nanny. Nothing - unless you're gay (not that there's anything wrong with that.) But let's hope that Tiger isn't really gay; if he is, the biased media will adore him even more.

If Tiger cheated, the question begs: Why was he doing it in the first place? Let's go through the possibilities:

1. He was tired of his wife: I don't know how one gets tired of a Swedish nanny, but perhaps he keeps meeting Finnish nannies. Or Swedish bikini models. Or mermaids who has only a few weeks before they have to go back into the ocean. The possibilities are limited, but they exist.

That's it. That's the only reason he was doing it. And that leads me to ask why he got married anyway. A minority golfer and a Swedish nanny can't have much in common, can they? What were their conversations like? Does he know anything about "nannying?" Is she interested in golf at all? Does she know the rules of golf? Does she even speak English? They couldn't have had great conversations; it was just awesome sex. In hindsight, Tiger must now realize that he should have "hit it and split it."

Look, I'm not against marriage or anything. I want to get married someday. But I am against stupid marriages like this one. If two people have nothing in common whatsoever, it's not going to work. In fact, I say people should have to take a compatibility test if they want to get married, but I'll save that rant for another day.


7. Controlling the Media

Might as well finish where I began.

Tiger Woods controls the media like a fiend. Every reporter loves him and wants to lick his anus. It's pretty disgusting - both literally and figuratively.

After his Black Friday accident, Tiger shut himself in his chateau and refused to talk to the press and the police. The cops repeatedly came to question him about the accident, yet he ordered them away like some sultan.

How could he possibly do this? It's not like he crashed his car into his own mailbox; he ruined a fire hydrant which is municipal property. He should be forced to talk to the police - just like any normal person.

Could you imagine if regular people could evade the cops like this? What if I robbed a bank and returned to my home? When the police would come to arrest me, could I tell them to go away and come back when I'm done resting? Who else could possibly do this besides Tiger Woods?


In Closing...

Tiger Woods is my Jerk of the Holidays. I'm looking forward to the day that the media realizes that Tiger is a giant douche and doesn't deserve to be covered 24-7.

Unfortunately, unless he suddenly pulls a Michael Jackson and becomes white, I don't see that happening.





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Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
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Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Nov. 21


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 19


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


NFL Free Agents





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