Instead of giving you three Jerks of the Week, I'm posting one Jerk of the Holidays. It's Tiger Woods, and I'll give you seven reasons why he's earned this honor, starting with...
1. I Hate Golf
Well, I don't hate golf. I just really dislike it when ESPN covers it instead of something else, and when channels like NBC and CBS broadcast it instead of a football or basketball game.
I find golf incredibly dull, and I don't understand how people can watch it. I might have some interest in it if the golf commissioners/presidents install some windmills and clown faces on each course. That would be at least somewhat entertaining.
Unfortunately, there are no real obstacles on a golf course. Oh no, that golfer might hit that pine tree! Oh gosh, that ball is heading for the beach hole! That's not fun. Windmills and clowns are fun. Trees and beaches are not fun (unless there are women in bikinis on the beaches, in which case I'd be all for beach holes on the golf course.)
** I didn't even plan on writing this, but I think I just came up with a great idea. They could have women in bikinis laying out in those beach holes on the golf course. How awesome would that be? It would attract a lot more viewers, and you could put umbrellas over them so the balls don't hit them. How would this not work? If the golf presidents/commissioners install this plan, I want royalties.**
But what does all of this have to do with Tiger Woods aside from it being his profession? Well, that brings me to my next point.
2. Reason for Being Famous
Why is Tiger Woods famous? Is it because he's a great golfer? Definitely not - most people not involved in sports don't know who Phil Mickelson is. They may have heard the name, but most people wouldn't recognize him if he walked down the street.
Is Tiger famous because of his cool name? Possibly. But if I change my name to Tiger Cherepinsky, I'm sure ESPN wouldn't follow me around and televise my Web site updates.
The reason Tiger is famous, of course, is because he's a minority golfer. I love how the biased media lauds itself for being above looking at race, yet is willing to eat Tiger's feces for dinner just because he's not white.
I really don't care if Tiger's black, white, Asian, Mexican, whatever he is. He's a boring guy playing a boring sport that barely anyone watches. I'm just sick of being subjected to PTI and Around the Horn spending two obligatory minutes each day talking about how great he is.
3. Tigers Don't Cry!
If it sounds like I'm whiny right now, well, maybe it's because I'm just emulating the person I'm writing about.
Tiger Woods is one of the whiniest people in the sports world. (I wouldn't consider golf a sport, but ESPN covers it, so let's humor them.) I don't think I've gone a week without seeing ESPN highlights of Tiger complaining about someone in the stands.
"Wahhh!!! He ruined my swing wahhh!!!"
"Wahhh!!! The guy took a picture of me when I was swinging wahhh!!!"
Ugh, just shut up already, you whiny a**hole.
If I watched golf, I'd root for John Daly. He's the opposite of Tiger Woods. He's a fat slob who drinks himself into oblivion all the time. And he's always up there in the standings when these golfers play their stupid tournaments like the Canadian Open or something.
And people want to argue that golf is a sport, yet fat alcoholics can compete with the "greats." Ha!
4. Tigers Don't Say People Are Irresponsible
If you somehow missed it, Tiger Woods was involved in a car accident where he crashed into a fire hydrant and then a tree at 2 a.m. on Black Friday. Tiger was obviously rushing to the store to buy a portrait of himself.
After the crash, Tiger, covered with facial lacerations, was found lying shoeless and snoring in the street.
Since then, people have speculated on Internet message boards that Tiger had been having trysts with some woman despite being married with two children.
Tiger was not happy with this. On his Web site, he called these rumor mongers "irresponsible" for talking about a possible affair of his.
You know what's irresponsible, Tiger? Crashing your SUV into a fire hydrant and a tree! When you do something stupid like that, people are going to spread rumors.
And let's not forget that you're a public figure. You endorse products so that your trusting fans will buy them. How are people supposed to believe your word if you hide in your chateau and not tell the public what's going on? And how about sleeping with every single woman on the planet? That's irresponsible (but probably a good time)!
5. Not-So-Secret Affair
I've never been married, so I've never had the opportunity to cheat on my wife. But when I do have an affair in the future, I'm going to make sure that I create an alias and get fake IDs so I can rent a hotel room under that name. I will also get a fake job so that my wife doesn't suspect anything. I'm going to be as inconspicuous as possible. No one will ever find out the truth!
I don't know what Tiger was doing, but he was not inconspicuous.
If you're as famous as Tiger Woods, what are you doing having an affair? Everyone is going to know. If he walks into a hotel, people will mob him for autographs. He can't go anywhere without being recognized. How in the world is he going to sleep around with some woman?
Here are Tiger's options to avoid being recognized:
1. Wear one of those glasses-and-mustache disguises: Not very effective. Some people will be fooled, but others will see right through it. I'm not so cunning, unfortunately. It gets me every time.
2. Bang a girl in your big SUV: Very effective, but you'd have to question the "cleanliness" of a woman if she's willing to have an affair exclusively in a car.
3. Buy a house for each woman so you can just go there to have a sexy time: Extremely effective, but illegal! In this case, Tiger is actually paying for sex. If this is happening, he should be thrown in jail.
And that's about it. Tiger, if you did in fact cheat on your wife, you're an idiot because you were going to get caught. It wasn't a matter of if; it was a matter of when.
6. Hot Wife
And speaking of Tiger's wife, why would he cheat on her? She's a hot Swedish nanny for crying out loud! There is nothing hotter on this planet than a Swedish nanny. Nothing - unless you're gay (not that there's anything wrong with that.) But let's hope that Tiger isn't really gay; if he is, the biased media will adore him even more.
If Tiger cheated, the question begs: Why was he doing it in the first place? Let's go through the possibilities:
1. He was tired of his wife: I don't know how one gets tired of a Swedish nanny, but perhaps he keeps meeting Finnish nannies. Or Swedish bikini models. Or mermaids who has only a few weeks before they have to go back into the ocean. The possibilities are limited, but they exist.
That's it. That's the only reason he was doing it. And that leads me to ask why he got married anyway. A minority golfer and a Swedish nanny can't have much in common, can they? What were their conversations like? Does he know anything about "nannying?" Is she interested in golf at all? Does she know the rules of golf? Does she even speak English? They couldn't have had great conversations; it was just awesome sex. In hindsight, Tiger must now realize that he should have "hit it and split it."
Look, I'm not against marriage or anything. I want to get married someday. But I am against stupid marriages like this one. If two people have nothing in common whatsoever, it's not going to work. In fact, I say people should have to take a compatibility test if they want to get married, but I'll save that rant for another day.
7. Controlling the Media
Might as well finish where I began.
Tiger Woods controls the media like a fiend. Every reporter loves him and wants to lick his anus. It's pretty disgusting - both literally and figuratively.
After his Black Friday accident, Tiger shut himself in his chateau and refused to talk to the press and the police. The cops repeatedly came to question him about the accident, yet he ordered them away like some sultan.
How could he possibly do this? It's not like he crashed his car into his own mailbox; he ruined a fire hydrant which is municipal property. He should be forced to talk to the police - just like any normal person.
Could you imagine if regular people could evade the cops like this? What if I robbed a bank and returned to my home? When the police would come to arrest me, could I tell them to go away and come back when I'm done resting? Who else could possibly do this besides Tiger Woods?
Tiger Woods is my Jerk of the Holidays. I'm looking forward to the day that the media realizes that Tiger is a giant douche and doesn't deserve to be covered 24-7.
Unfortunately, unless he suddenly pulls a Michael Jackson and becomes white, I don't see that happening.