My friend Chris recently had his 30th birthday party at his house. I had a pretty good time. Several interesting things happened, including:
I was texting an awesome girl who likes football while several people around me were having a conversation. I sent my text, looked up and then... POW!
This blond, muscular girl in the group randomly punched me in the nose. Like hard. I had to ask what I did to deserve this.
Me: Why the hell did you do that?
Puncher: Stop texting and pay attention to our conversation!
Me: But I'm sending an important text!
Puncher: I said, no texting!
I soon found out that Puncher served in Afghanistan for the Army, so that was the last time I reached for my phone when Puncher and I were in the same room. But that didn't stop her from hitting me. She punched me in the arm twice for no reason. I flinched whenever I walked by her for the rest of the night.
Unfortunately, my friend Frank's wife Ashley was the only one who saw Puncher hit me in the face. Ashley actually had an idea for a Web site.
Ashley: I love fashion, so I was thinking about making a fashion Web site. What do you think?
Me: That sounds like a good idea. You can call it AshleyFashion.com.
Ashley: That's awesome! You can help me with it.
Me: Well, I'll help if I can. I spend a lot of time on my football Web...
Ashley: Yeah, you can quit your football site and work on AshleyFashion.com with me!
Me: Wait, what?
Ashley: Our fashion Web site is going to be awesome!
I'd tell you not to worry about me quitting WalterFootball.com, but Ashley could enlist Puncher's services to make sure I contribute to AshleyFashion.com. So if I stop writing football articles, you'll know why.
I saw Drunkest Guy Ever for the first time since Frank's wedding. I wrote about that wedding in a November 2011 Jerks of the Week entry, and one of the jerks was Drunkest Guy Ever.
As the moniker implies, I've never seen anyone as intoxicated as Drunkest Guy Ever that night. He couldn't speak at all, and at the end of the night, he peed in his own bed. I told that story in the aforementioned link, but I learned a new detail about it during Chris' party.
1. The Pee Story, Expanded:
If you're too lazy to click the link, Drunkest Guy Ever was so inebriated that he urinated in his own bed. He then got out of bed, took off his boxers and flung them against the wall. Chris took notice.
Chris: What the hell?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Myy beeddzzz allll weeeet.
Chris: Dude, what are you doing? Put your boxers back on!
Drunkest Guy Ever: Nyyeeeghhh!!!
Drunkest Guy Ever then proceeded to pass out in his own urine. At least that's what I was told. Drunkest Guy Ever cleared things up at the party when we recalled what happened that night.
Me: Yeah, you passed out in your own piss at the end of it, right?
Drunkest Guy Ever: No way, brah. I didn't do all that.
Me: But you went to sleep back in your bed, and you peed in that bed, right?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Oh yeah. I went back into bed, but I pushed my girlfriend toward the side of the bed that the pee was on.
If that doesn't say love, then I don't know what does. After all, Drunkest Guy Ever is still dating the same girl.
2. Drunk Driving Story I:
Before I write anything about drunk driving, I'd like to state that I'm totally against drunk driving, even though according to Freakonomics, drunk walking causes five times more deaths than drunk driving, something I'm sure that the a**holes at MADD don't want anyone to know about.
Having said that, Drunkest Guy Ever recounted two hilarious stories revolving around his drunk driving adventures. In the first, he, Frank and a couple of other people were drinking. Some guy named Brian (I think) was the driver, but he had way too much. He still wanted to drive, however.
Brian: Heyyyy wherruuzz myyy keeyyzz?
Frank: I have them, but you're not driving. Drunkest Guy Ever is.
Frank: Dude, I'm not getting in that car with you if you're driving. You can't even stand up straight. Drunkest Guy Ever is driving, or we're not going anywhere.
Drunkest Guy Ever was pretty intoxicated at that point, but Frank was right - no one drives inebriated like Drunkest Guy Ever. Brian eventually was talked into the fact that he was too wasted to get behind the wheel. Drunkest Guy Ever drove, and they predictably reached their apartment without any problems.
Once they were home, they decided to get a game of poker going. Brian slumped away from the table after a few hands. Twenty minutes later, Frank, Drunkest Guy Ever and the other people there started wondering about Brian.
Drunkest Guy Ever: Wherree'd Briuunn goo?
Frank: I don't know. I'll go check.
Frank walked toward one of the bedrooms. He opened it and saw Brian passed out on the bed, completely naked, on his stomach. Frank then noticed that there was brown crap covering Brian's butt, back and legs, as well as the bed.
Yep. Brian s*** himself when he passed out on the bed. Kinda makes Drunkest Guy Ever seem like an amateur drinker, doesn't it?
3. Drunk Driving Story II:
Playing poker that night wasn't a one-time thing for Drunkest Guy Ever. He gambles frequently. He's always at the casino, whether it's around the corner at Parx or at the various establishments down the shore in Atlantic City.
I must stress that I'm not exaggerating when I say that Drunkest Guy Ever is "always" at the casino. In our next story, Frank and Ashley were entering Parx to join Drunkest Guy Ever for a night of gambling. However, as they walked into the casino, they saw Drunkest Guy Ever leaving the place.
Frank: Yo dude, where are you going?
Drunkest Guy Ever: I'mmmzz gunnn goooo dowwwnnn tewwww A.C. to go to the casiinnnoozzz.
Frank: But you're at the casino. Why are you leaving this one to go to another one?
Drunkest Guy Ever: I'mmm tryiinn taaaa winnn sommme monneeeyy braaahh.
It's bad enough to go to the casino every day. It's another thing to go to multiple casinos every day, especially when you have to drive an hour-and-a-half between each location.
So, Drunkest Guy Ever got into his car and began driving down I-95 toward Atlantic City. Unfortunately, he must have been swerving or something because a cop car turned on its sirens. A police officer approached Drunkest Guy Ever's car after he pulled him over. It must have been ridiculously obvious that Drunkest Guy Ever was trashed because the cop knew it instantly.
Cop: Son, how much have you had to drink tonight?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Teewwwww mucccchhh.
Well, at least he's not a liar. The police officer drove Drunkest Guy Ever down to the station. Fortunately, Drunkest Guy Ever's father was a cop, so he was able to avoid any sort of arrest. They just detained him in the police station until he was sober enough to go home.
You'd think someone who was fortunate enough to escape a nightmare aggravated DUI charge would have just counted his blessings, but Drunkest Guy Ever had other ideas. After about 30 boring minutes of just sitting in the station, Drunkest Guy Ever thought it would be a good idea to test his luck.
Drunkest Guy Ever: Heeyyzz I'mmm sooobburrr ennooufff tewww drrivvee.
Drunkest Guy Ever: I'mmm goooddd taaaa drrrivvve hooommmee braaahh.
Cop: Are you f***ing serious? You think you're good to drive right now?
Drunkest Guy Ever: No. No I am not.
It's a good thing that Drunkest Guy Ever didn't move forward with that gambit. Jail time would have meant that he wouldn't have been able to visit his precious casinos.
Drunkest Guy Ever doesn't just gamble at casinos. He spends most of his paycheck at Wawa. He told us that he spent $50 at Wawa that particular day, which got everyone immediately wondering, how the hell does someone spend $50 on hoagies and coffee?
Drunkest Guy Ever: No food, brah. I drink my calories.
Me: Then how'd you spend $50 at Wawa?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Scratch-offs, brah. I bought five $10 scratch-offs.
Frank: Did you win?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Yeah, I won $25 on one, and I won $10 another one, but I lost on the other three.
Me: So you're only $15 in the hole. Not bad.
Drunkest Guy Ever: Not really, brah. I traded the $35 in and I bought three more scratch-offs, and I won $20 back.
Frank: So, you're down $25?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Nah brah, I used the other $20 to buy two more scratch-offs, but I lost on them.
Me: So you still have $5?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Nah brah, I spent the other $5 on lottery tickets.
OK, so Drunkest Guy Ever dropped $50 on scratch-offs and lottery tickets. I suppose it could have been worse. That got me curious though - has he ever won big?
Me: What's the most you ever won with these scratch-offs?
Drunkest Guy Ever: I won like $300, brah. The ticket's still in my room.
Me: Cool... wait, what? Why haven't you traded it in for $300?
Drunkest Guy Ever: I'm going to save it so I can buy more scratch-offs, brah.
Sounds like a wise investment idea to me - much better than the stock market or a 401K.
5. YouTube Video:
You may have noticed that I like to say the word "gaming" if I'm trying to mack on a girl. That word came from Drunkest Guy Ever, who has a ton of sayings, some original, some taken from elsewhere, including:
Gamiest - The adjective form of "gaming." To use it in a sentence: "I'm the gamiest dude you'll ever meet, so let's go back to my hotel room so I can hit it proper."
Hitting It Proper - Having sex. At least I think that's what it means. To use it in a sentence: "I'm the gamiest dude alive. No one hits it quite as proper as me."
Chill Rick - Used when told to calm someone down. Not sure why "Rick," but I'm sure the explanation wouldn't make much sense. To use it in a sentence: "Chill Rick! Why are you yelling so much?"
Round Y'all - This replaces the words "around here," as normal people would say. To use it in a sentence: "Is there any game, round y'all?"
Father Judge, Don't Talk S*** - Drunkest Guy Ever went to Father Judge High School. He's extremely proud of this and constantly says this.
Our mutual friend Dan also found this amusing, so he made a YouTube video of Drunkest Guy Ever's first date with his current girlfriend. You can check it out by clicking the link.
That poor girl didn't know that about two years later, she would be soaking in urine in a hotel bedroom.
6. Sunday Rules:
Chris' party happened to fall on a Saturday. One of Drunkest Guy Ever's friends asked him if he wanted to hang out tomorrow.
Random Dude: Hey, want to drink tomorrow?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Nah, bra.
Random Dude: What? Why not?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Chill Rick. I don't drink on Sundays.
It was like we were in a movie - as soon as Drunkest Guy Ever said this, everything stopped. The music went quiet and everyone quit talking. Did Drunkest Guy Ever really just declare that he doesn't drink on a particular day? What's next? Would pigs fly? Would the Cleveland Browns win a Super Bowl? Would Rosie O'Donnell go on a diet?
I was astonished. Did Drunkest Guy Ever turn over a new leaf? Is he not going to drink as much anymore? Will he finally be sober and make better decisions rather than spending his entire paycheck on poker and scratch-offs?
As I was wondering this, I felt something cold splash all over my shorts and my legs. Drunkest Guy Ever drunkenly stumbled into a table, knocking over a cup of beer.
OK, so maybe not much has changed. I grabbed a towel and wiped the beer off. I wasn't too pissed - I knew it could be much worse, as Drunkest Guy Ever's girlfriend would presumably find out later that night when she was drenched in urine again.