JERK OF THE WEEK: A Tale of Four Neighborhoods: Con Artists, Dog Poop and a Stolen Watch
I scoffed at something I saw on Twitter recently. No, it wasn't the sort of douchey tweet from a politically correct hipster that I've complained about in the past. After all, those always bother me. There happened to be a parade of these losers the Saturday of the Preakness, as they were all whining about how horse racing is cruel and "inhuman." I can only hope that the right side of our government is currently preparing a rocket ship to send all of these a**holes toward the sun.
I'm not referring to this picture of the so-called "most powerful sports media members" either, though it did anger me:
I'm in sports media, and while I'm not as "powerful" as these people, it bothers me that I'm in the same profession as a troll like Skip Bayless (second on bottom left), a miserable creep like Mike Florio (top left), some guy in glasses on that top right I've never heard of, and a blatant racist like Stephen A. Smith (bottom left). I may have to dedicate a separate Jerks of the Week entry just for these twats.
What pissed me off recently was a tweet by some blatantly biased news organization that wrote something like, "Earth has just experienced its warmest winter ever!"
I call bulls**t. It was colder than 30 degrees every single day for a span of six or more weeks at some point. Oh, and don't forget the whole "Snowmaggedon" thing. I'm sure there are ways to twist information like this, such as factoring in how the winters of Arizona, Texas and New Mexico were like, but that's crap because those places never get as miserable as it does up north.
I will admit, however, that this month has been unseasonably warm. I remember there being a few chilly May days a few years ago, but it seems like that except for one recent day, it hasn't been colder than 70 degrees for quite some time.
It happened to be ridiculously hot and humid one recent Saturday when I came home from going to the gym and running some other errands. The level of swampass I had was reaching epic proportions. As I got out of my car, two little girls from the adjacent cul-de-sac sprinted up to me. The older one, perhaps 12, asked, "Excuse me, mister, would you like to buy a cup of ice water for 50 cents?"
I'm all for entrepreneurship, so I was more than happy to help out an aspiring capitalist. That turned out to be a mistake, but the silver lining is that this incident sparked this Jerks of the Week entry...
My Neighborhood: Con Artists:
I don't know what's up with the kids living in my neighborhood, but it seems like they're all out to swindle me. A couple of years ago, some Indian kids told me they were selling cookies, but they stole money from me because they sold me cookie dough instead of actual cookies. I was single at the time, so the cookie dough just sat in my freezer until my girlfriend made them for St. Stalin's Day last year - and they were disgusting.
As you can see, I should have known better to trust any kid in the neighborhood with a transaction, but I foolishly handed the 12-year-old girl a $1 bill, since I didn't have any change on me. I just assumed that she would return with a cup of ice water and a pair of quarters. I imagine that's what you're thinking as well. But again, I should have known better. Instead of giving me one cup of ice water, the girl returned with two. I guess she didn't have any change either.
Two cups of ice water! It was hot as balls out, but why would I need two cups of ice water? I had plans that night, so I didn't want to drink two cups of ice water because I'd have to constantly piss like an inhumanly treated race horse later on.
Believe it or not, however, two cups of ice water weren't enough. Not even close.
How can this be, you ask? Well, it's easy to down a "cup" of ice water when it looks like this:
They gave me two freaking Dixie cups of water - for a whole dollar! And if you think that's not enough of a rip-off, there was no ice in the water. It wasn't even cold. It was effectively tap water they got out of a sink. First the cookie dough, and now this? F***ing a**hole kids, send them up on that rocket ship!
Before I hatched any concrete revenge plans, I got a call. I figured I'd just stay outside for a while, with my two Dixie "ice" water cups and all to keep me hydrated. I was so pissed that I couldn't even concentrate on the call. All I could think about was how to destroy their precious "ice" water stand. Would I simply kick it over and laugh as all the water spilled onto the ground? Or, should I go for something more drastic, like setting their "ice" water stand on fire? This would expose them as frauds, as their "ice" water wouldn't be cold enough to put out the fire. Then everyone see that these little girl con artists for the true monsters they really are.
As I was consumed in thought, the younger girl, perhaps 8, came over with a third Dixie cup.
"Thank you faw being ow fawst customa!" she said, handing me more tap water.
Damn it. This genuine act of kindness made it impossible for me to crush their spirits. Maybe next time. Be warned, children of my neighborhood, for I won't be so forgiving the next time you attempt to swindle me.
My Parents' Neighborhood: Dog Poop:
My parents had to go Baltimore for a funeral recently. They have two dogs, so someone had to let them out. Because I work from home and have a flexible schedule, I was the natural candidate to run this errand. And because I like both of my parents' dogs, I didn't mind doing this.
My parents' Akita refused to go to the bathroom in the backyard because she happens to be very spoiled, so I took her out for a walk around the neighborhood. I missed my old stomping grounds; I was hoping to run into some old jerks like the Evil Vietnamese Kids or the bum in my old neighborhood, but they were nowhere to be found. It has since occurred to me that the evil Vietnamese kids might now be in college, while the bum could've been locked in a mental institution because he frequently talked to squirrels. Not that there's anything wrong with talking to squirrels, but normal people don't exactly get mad at them when they don't follow orders involving drug retrieval or world domination.
Luckily, I managed to find a new jerk. Before discussing him, I need to preface that I carried around a pooper scooper with me, so I fully intended on picking up my dog's crap.
My dog naturally began doing her business on someone's lawn. As soon she finished, I approached the fecal matter when I heard an old man shout.
Old Man: Hey you!
Old Man: Yeah, you!
Old Man: You going to clean that up, or what?
Me: Yeah, that's why I have this.
Old Man: Well, hurry it up, already!
Really? What was the hurry? Was his lawn suddenly going to be ruined if I took five seconds longer to clean up? Was someone supposed to stop by his house and admire his stupid lawn in these five seconds? Why exactly did he want me to hurry up? If anything, he should've asked me to take my time and make sure I got everything.
I picked up the poop, but my conversation with this geezer wasn't quite finished...
Old Man: Why'd you come here?
Me: What do you mean?
Old Man: Did you bring your dog here to s*** on my lawn?
Old Man: You specifically chose my lawn for your dog to s*** on!
Me: Why would I do that?
Old Man: You tell me! You're the one telling your dog to s*** on my lawn!
Yes, that's right. Using my expertise in dog language, I commanded my parents' Akita to hold in her No. 2 until she came across this guy's lawn. I've never met this guy before, but that doesn't matter at all. Nope. Because my mission in life was to make sure my parents' dog crapped on this man's precious lawn.
I would've stayed and argued with this idiot, but I had better things to do - like hear my girlfriend's own bad dog poop experience...
My Girlfriend's Neighborhood: More Dog Poop:
My girlfriend came back from visiting her parents one evening, and she wasn't in a good mood. She told me what happened...
She was walking our dog Sherlock around her parents' neighborhood. Sherlock pooped, but she cleaned it up. She also said that she noticed some other dog crap on someone else's lawn, but because it wasn't our dog's, she didn't do anything about it.
Minutes later, a van sped right toward her and then slowed down. The window rolled down, and she saw that an angry black man was staring at her.
Angry Man: You didn't clean up your dog's s*** on my lawn!
Girlfriend: It wasn't my dog's poop. It was someone else's.
Angry Man: That's bulls***! It was your dog!
Girlfriend: No, I have my dog's poop in this bag here. It was someone else's.
Angry Man: Bulls***! Your dog pooped twice, and you thought you could get away with it!
Girlfriend: Why would I want to get away with it? I'd pick it up if it was my dog's. I picked up my dog's poop, so why wouldn't I pick up the rest?
Angry Man: Because you like leaving dog s*** on other people's lawns! I know it was you! I gave you a chance to admit that you did it, but now I caught you in a lie!
Girlfriend: I'm not lying!
Angry Man: Bulls***! I have cameras outside my house and you were caught on camera!
Girlfriend: No, I wasn't! Go watch your cameras and you'll see that I didn't do it!
I'm not sure why this black guy thought he could fool anyone into thinking he had cameras set up so he could catch people not picking up dog poop on his lawn. If he actually had cameras, he would've seen the culprit in the first place.
At any rate, he eventually got out of the car and began threatening my girlfriend. My girlfriend's dad saw this and stormed out of the house.
"If you don't get out of here right now, I'll call the cops!" he shouted.
The "cops" word was key, as the black man scurried back into his van and sped off.
It was a brilliant ploy to get rid of this douche. After all, the cops would've came to this black man's house, arrested him and then shot him because, well, you know, because he drove a van and stuff.
My Friend's Neighborhood: Stolen Watch:
A friend of mine also told me an interesting story involving a neighbor. Unlike my girlfriend and the crazy black guy, this friend was buddies with the other individual.
Per the story I was told, they were hanging out one evening. All they did was smoke on the friend's couch. The following day, my friend received the following text:
yo my two most expansive watches was stolened from my room i no u did it that 1 nite give it back 2 me cuz i caught u on camera tryin to steal it... confess up to youre crime.
My friend went on the following rant in the reply back:
OK, first of all, you know damn well that I didn't go into your room; I just stayed on the couch the entire time because we were smoking. Second, why would I steal your "expansive" watches? I don't even wear watches. Third, how would I know where your "expansive" watches are so that I could steal them quickly enough without you realizing? Fourth, why would I need to confess my crime if you have cameras? Wouldn't you just look at your camera footage to find out who took it? Because you clearly didn't if you think I did it. And finally, what the hell does "confess up" mean, exactly? Do you want me to confess, or to fess up? Because there's no such thing as confess up, you f***ing moron.
I feel like the camera ploy is something that people with limited intelligence use. If you actually have a camera set up - and why would this guy have one in his room? - then couldn't he just find out who nabbed his watches just from that? Why would he incorrectly accuse someone of swiping it if he has visual evidence? I'd say he didn't think this through, but it doesn't seem like his brain is "expansive" enough - used correctly there! - for him to have any sort of logical thought process.
And that begs the question, why is my friend hanging out with such a stupid person? I'm still not clear on the answer, but I saw another text from Missing Expansive Watch Man:
yo dogg i find my watches they werent stolened i just mistplaced them my bad
It appears as though this clown does indeed have a camera system set up - that's how he realized that he was the one who "mistplaced" them.