This Jerks of the Week entry has to do with fantasy football. Even if you don't know a single thing about fantasy football, keep reading. I'll try to explain it in simple terms because the douchebaggery that occurred here is pretty remarkable.
I took part in a fantasy football draft two weeks ago that I hosted at my new house. I had the sixth pick in this 12-man league. The night prior to our draft, I received an instant message from a friend who happened to have the 12th pick. Let's refer to this friend as My Bad Dude (you'll see why later).
My Bad Dude: Who should I draft with my 12th and 13th picks?
Me: I dunno, best players on your cheatsheet.
*** I'm already in a bad mood. What kind of a question is this? Why would I tell him whom to pick when I want certain players to drop down to me in the second round? ***
My Bad Dude: Who should I get?
Me: I told you man, best guys available.
My Bad Dude: Come on, tell me.
Me: Maybe the top running back and receiver available. Who are you looking at?
My Bad Dude: I'm not sure. Maybe Shonn Greene. Maybe Jamaal Charles. Uhh... maybe Calvin Johnson. Maybe Randy Moss. Maybe Steven Jackson.
Me: There you go, take the guys you want the most out of those five.
My Bad Dude: Who should I get out of those five?
Me: Ugh. I have no idea, man.
What am I, a consultant? Well, I guess I am because I own this Web site. Whoops. Whatever, though. This is not what pissed me off.
A few hours later in the night, I just watched the Chargers-Bears game. Ryan Mathews, the Chargers' rookie running back, really impressed me. I loved that they were using him in the passing game, which made him a more lucrative player in our fantasy football league. For whatever reason, I felt the urge to tell someone, and My Bad Dude was the only person who was online.
Me: I just watched a guy I'm going to be targeting in the second round tomorrow. He'll be higher in my rankings in the next update.
My Bad Dude: Who?
Me: I'm not telling you because you might take him, haha.
My Bad Dude: Come on man, tell me.
My Bad Dude: Is it Jamaal Charles?
Me: No. I didn't write about this running back yet on the stock updates on the site.
10 minutes later...
My Bad Dude: Is it Ryan Mathews?
*** $#I+!!! ***
Me: I dunno.
My Bad Dude: You can tell me. We're friends, you can't lie to me.
Me: Fine. Yeah, it's Mathews.
My Bad Dude: Really, he's that good?
I went on to explain to him why I loved Mathews and told him that I was pretty confident I could get him in the second round. The following day, My Bad Dude was the last person to show up. He pulled me aside...
My Bad Dude: I might take Ryan Mathews at No. 13.
Me: That's funny. Wait, you're kidding right?
My Bad Dude: Ryan Mathews might be really good.
Me: I just told you that last night!
My Bad Dude: Uhh... I know...
Me: You never even considered him! If I never mentioned him, you wouldn't even be thinking about him right now.
My Bad Dude: Yeah, haha, that's true.
With the sixth pick, I selected Andre Johnson - a points per reception monster. I was eager to land Mathews with my second-round choice.
A few minutes later, my aforementioned friend was on the clock. With the 12th pick, he opted for Shonn Greene. Suddenly, there was a long pause. The room fell silent. His next selection took what seemed like 10 minutes. Finally, he made his choice.
My Bad Dude: Uhh... Ryan Mathews?
Me: You've gotta be kidding me.
My Bad Dude: Uhh... my bad dude...
My blood pressure soared to 400/200. What does that mean, "my bad dude?" How can saying "my bad dude" justify something like this? And can "my bad dude" be used as an excuse for anything?
President George W. Bush: Osama bin Laden, you're a douche for killing thousands of people on 9/11!
Osama bin Laden: Uhh... my bad dude...
President George W. Bush: Oh. Well, I was going to retaliate my blowing your Muslim a** into outer space, but because you said it's "your bad," we're all good now!
There it is. With a stolen fantasy player, my friend, My Bad Dude, has discovered how to get out of any crime or bad situation. Cheat on your girlfriend? Things will be fine with a "my bad dude." Get caught stealing a car? Just say, "my bad dude" to get out of it. Pull a Jay Mariotti by getting arrested for domestic violence? Just tell the authorities "my bad, dude" and everything will be great!
Just don't expect your friend to give you anymore fantasy football insight after you make a bad.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Crappy Fantasy Traders
*** Note: Once again, if you don't play fantasy football, some of this might seem boring to you. Skip ahead to the Real-Life Equivalents in this Jerks of the Week entry to fully understand how crappy some of these trades are. ***
I love playing fantasy football, but the one part I absolutely dislike is trading.
Now, under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have a problem with it. Trading players could be fun. What ruins it, however, are the handful of greedy people in each league who continuously try to rip you off.
Last year, I witnessed three completely awful trades (two from My Bad Dude). I wrote them down so I could save them for the 2010 fantasy football draft season.
Crappy Trade No. 1: Walt trades Chris Johnson and Greg Jennings to My Bad Dude for Frank Gore and Donald Driver.
Chris Johnson was only the No. 1 fantasy player last year. Greg Jennings, meanwhile, was Green Bay's No. 1 receiver. I was offered a deal to trade Johnson for an inferior, injury-prone running back and Green Bay's No. 2 receiver. Yeah, that makes a ton of sense.
Real-Life Equivalent: You're dating Megan Fox (Chris Johnson) and also seeing Alison Brie (Greg Jennings) on the side. Someone comes up to you and says, "I'll take Megan and Alison off your hands. In exchange, you can date my babes, the lovely Rosie O'Donnell and Sally Struthers."
Thanks, but no thanks. I don't want to be eaten on my third date.
Crappy Trade No. 2: Man Eaters trades Roddy White and Thomas Jones to My Bad Dude for Terrell Owens, Cadillac Williams and Donald Driver.
OK, this trade had nothing to do with me. My friend Kate (Man-Eaters in my PPR Fantasy Football League) told me that My Bad Dude offered this horrific deal to her.
Roddy White and Thomas Jones were both top 10 fantasy players at their respective positions last year. Terrell Owens at this point was really struggling in Buffalo. Cadillac Williams was worthless. And My Bad Dude was trying desperately to unload Donald Driver, so he must have been bad too.
Real-Life Equivalent: This trade happened in the early 1990s when the Philadelphia 76ers traded future Hall of Famer Charles Barkley for three pieces of poop named Jeff Hornacek, Tim Perry and Andrew Lang.
For a non-sports equivalent, just imagine being offered three quarters for two $20 bills. That has to be a good trade because you're getting more of something, right!?
Crappy Trade No. 3: Walt trades Santonio Holmes, Anthony Gonzalez and Laurence Maroney to Joe for Jeremy Shockey, Chris Chambers and Buccaneers Defense.
This is THE WORST OFFERED TRADE IN FANTASY FOOTBALL HISTORY.
Santonio Holmes was a borderline top 10 receiver. Laurence Maroney sucked, but was scoring touchdowns like there was no tomorrow. Anthony Gonzalez at the time was rumored to be coming back to the lineup soon.
My friend Joe wanted to be swap those three quality fantasy players for Jeremy Shockey, an injured tight end; Chris Chambers, a crappy receiver; and the Buccaneers defense, one of the worst defenses in the NFL (and defenses are generally worthless in fantasy football).
I was really appalled by this. In fact, part of my soul died when I received this offer in the e-mail.
Real-Life Equivalent: With part of my soul dead, coming up with a real-life equivalent for this disaster of a potential deal was tough. Luckily, I managed...
Best Buy Employee: Hi, welcome to Best Buy. How may I help you?
Crappy Fantasy Trader: I'm looking for an LED HDTV.
Best Buy Employee: Excellent, sir. Here they are. What size are you looking for?
Crappy Fantasy Trader: I'd say 46 inches.
Best Buy Employee: Great. They're on sale right now for $1,299.99.
Crappy Fantasy Trader: Uhh... $1,299.99? That doesn't sound acceptable to me.
Best Buy Employee: Well, we don't haggle over prices at Best Buy. You can try Sears if you'd like, but we have better prices than them.
Crappy Fantasy Trader: No. I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse.
Best Buy Employee: What sort of offer?
Crappy Fantasy Trader: Hold on. Let me see what I have. Hmm... OK. I have this $5 bill. I also have five pebbles I found outside your store. I also have three cigarettes, but they're wet so you have to wait until they dry so you can smoke them.
Best Buy Employee: Umm... sir, that's not even close to the amount we're looking for.
Crappy Fantasy Trader: Fine, fine. I have three dry cigarettes. I also have two dimes in my wallet. Does that help? Oh, and here's some gum.
Best Buy Employee: Get out of the store, you cheap f***ing a**hole.
If some people in my fantasy leagues are hurt by reading this entry, too bad. I want all crappy fantasy trading to end. I want the missing part of my soul back.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Larry Johnson
If you don't know who Larry Johnson is, he's an a**hole. That's all there is to it. He's just an a**hole.
Larry Johnson is actually a running back in the NFL. He used to play for the Chiefs, but was run out of Kansas City after making homophobic remarks to the media. He then went on a Twitter rampage. Last November, I posted his Twitter posts on my site and commented on each of them. Here they are if you didn't see it:
1. "My father played for the coach from 'rememeber the titans.' Our coach played golf. My father played for redskins briefley. Our coach. Nuthn."
Larry Johnson's dad played for Denzel Washington? Wowowowowowowowowow!!!
By the way, Johnson sounds like a little kid saying, "My dad can beat up yours!"
2. "think bout a clever diss then that wit ur [expletive] pic. Christopher street boy. Is what us east coast cats call u."
Johnson's an "east coast cat?" Really? He went to high school in the Penn State area, which is not on the East Coast. He now plays in Kansas City, which is not on the East Coast. When was Johnson indoctrinated as an "east coast cat?" I'd like to know this because I'm beginning to think that Johnson is a bit of a fraud.
3. "Make me regret it. Lmao. U don't stop my checks. Lmao. So 'tweet' away."
Here, Johnson was bragging that he makes more money than some guy who commented on his Twitter page.
Well, Johnson's right. He does make more money than that guy. But Johnson just happens to be lucky; not all of us are cunning enough to steal millions of dollars from a clueless NFL organization.
At any rate, after a short stint with the Bengals, Johnson found a new home in Washington. Yes, after waiting his entire life, Johnson is finally a member of this East Coast Cat organization. Never mind the fact that the Redskins will soon cut him for sucking. That's not important.
The point of this Jerks of the Week entry is to discuss what happened in July. Johnson was ordered to 40 hours of community service after shoving and spitting alcohol on women in Kansas City nightclubs, which happened to be the fourth time he was accused of violence against women.
Judge Joseph Locascio assigned Johnson to the local Police Athletic League, where he was supposed to spend 40 hours playing sports with kids. Wow, such a horrific penalty will surely deter other men from shoving and spitting at women!
Instead of playing sports with kids, however, Johnson opted to start up an art program. The kids naturally weren't interested, and their lack of participation forced the Police Athletic League to shut the program down early, meaning that Johnson was able to escape his 40 hours of community service. Like I said, he's really cunning.
Who does something like this? Not only did Johnson assault multiple women; he also blew off dozens of kids who were excited to look up to him as a role model. Wait, maybe it's a good thing the East Coast Cat started an art program.
There are only a few things I can think of that Johnson can do to make himself look worse than he already does. Here's my list:
1. Blowing up a hospital: "us east coast cats blowz up hopitals cuz we kewl. Lmao."
2. Taking a crap on an orphan: Johnson himself is a turd, so can a turd actually take a turd? I think this is an intriguing question.
Something does tell me though that Johnson would gladly take a poop on an orphan rather than spending 40 hours being a role model for eager kids. God forbid you spend some time with kids who look up to you.
3. Starting that stupid diamond thing : Oh wait, he already did this. Ugh.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, Johnson makes a stupid diamond figure with his hands whenever he scores a touchdown. Thankfully, he hasn't scored since 2008, and it appears as though he'll never score again.
Thank God. I don't think I could take seeing that stupid diamond thing ever again. It's lame, Larry. Almost as lame as your claim that your dad played for Denzel Washington in a Disney movie.
4. Killing a fireman who is putting out a big fire: "He diss me wit da hoze so I kil a firemain. Aint nuthn for a east coast cat liek me."
5. Running around and stabbing people with a syringe containing HIV: This could be Johnson's next profession. Once the Redskins cut him, who's going to hire someone who assaults women, insults gays, blows off kids, claims he's something called an "east coast cat" and does that stupid diamond thing?
I suspect an evil organization will pay Johnson to stab people with AIDS. Fortunately for all of us, Johnson will probably do something stupid and get thrown into prison before he can infect too many of us.