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Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013




Jerks of the Week for Jan. 14, 2013


JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of Christmas Week

The week between Christmas and New Year's Eve proved to be a very stressful one. Here's why:

  • My NFL picks sucked yet again, so I received tons of hate mail, which I will compile into one very large page soon. Here's a sample:

    Dallas will not lose to the Saints and will cover....why do you do this Walt....go by each game and each year and each momentum boost...not statistics that tell u umm saint will win because they just lost....mark my words Dallas wins 31-27....Walt loses a 5 unit game AGAIN!!!!!

    I have no idea what this person is trying to say. "Statistics tell u umm saintwill win because they just lost?" Did he take English classes with Emmitt Smith?

    Whats all this read between the lines nonsense?? Walt put 4 units on the Lions. Why so cryptic if he meant his loyals to do otherwise? I say Walt is an idiot alcoholic or Vegas insider.

    Umm... why can't I be both?

    You are Terribbbbllleee!! No christmas presents being bought this year by any of your followers.

    I have faith that my followers will find some way to save Christmas for their families this year. For instance, they can rob a liquor store. That's what I'd recommend anyway.

    -400$ Walt, I know that's fake money because u ran out of dead presidents a long time ago~

    Umm... no. Liquor stores can replenish money. Duh.



  • Half of my dad's Christmas present didn't arrive from Amazon.com - and as of this writing, it's still not here. Perhaps I should have known better than to order from a shady Russian vendor, even if his rating was high.

  • My left thumb was killing me. I've been recently diagnosed with left thumb tendonitis, and it wasn't too bad until Christmas week. It felt like someone was beating my thumb with a hammer whenever I did anything with it. I guess this is what happens when you become an old, fat man.

  • Jen broke up with Dawson and then Dawson tried to get with Joey, but she turned him down even though she wanted him in the first place, and then Jen slept with Dawson even though she was dating Cliff even though she told Cliff she didn't want to date him, but Joey saw this and ran away and hid in Dawson's closet, and Pacey kissed Joey and then told Dawson, who said he didn't want him to pursue her.

    Yes, I've been watching Dawson's Creek, and no, not that there's anything wrong with that. Look, a guy friend of mine recommended it to me. And no, we do not anally pleasure ourselves with kielbasas - not that there's anything wrong with that either.

    Side note: For anyone who has seen Dawson's Creek, I'm only through the first season, but I hate Dawson. He's a whiny b***h. He's lauded as this "nice guy" who deserves the girl over the stereotypical football jock, but he really seems like an a**hole to me. When his girlfriend Jen told him that she previously slept with her ex-boyfriend who came into town, Dawson remarked, "Him and half of New York." And Jen still wants to get back with him about a month later? Makes no sense. All he does is cry and complain the whole time. He's like the teenage version of Ted on How I Met Your Mother.

    Side note to the side note: I'm openly rooting against Ted to meet the future mother of his kids. I'm hoping that the futuristic kids shown from time to time are just a fantasy of his. I think they can get away with it by suggesting that Ted found himself and realized that he didn't need a spouse to complete his life. And the person with the yellow umbrella? Maybe that's Ted. Remember, he once owned a yellow umbrella. Just a theory of mine. But I digress...

  • I went to the dentist to get a routine cleaning. My dentist insisted on stuffing a large plastic thing into my mouth (kinky) so that she could take X-rays. Upon inspecting the pictures, she determined that I need to get my wisdom teeth taken out because they'll get infected and then hurt like hell. My thumb already hurts, so as an old, fat man, I'm not exactly equipped for dealing with two areas of pain.

  • I naturally encountered a few jerks worth writing about. The first jerk instance occurred just as I had gotten home from the dentist.


    1. Angry Black Man

    About a month ago, I wrote about an angry black girl who somehow called me from my sister's number. She yelled at me, asking why I had been "callin' her boyfriend numba." I then messed around with her, telling her that her boyfriend and I had been going at it for about half a year. She proceeded to hang up on me, and that was that. I haven't heard from her since.

    Well, apparently angry black people like calling me from my sister's number because that's the name that appeared when my phone rang as soon as I walked into my bedroom to get changed. I actually thought my sister was calling to discuss what sort of Christmas presents to buy for our parents, but instead, an angry black man began yelling at me.

    Angry Black Man: Who dis!?

    Me: Who are you?

    Angry Black Man: Who dis!?

    Me: You called me.

    Angry Black Man: I wanna know who dis is!?

    Me: Walt. Who are you?

    Angry Black Man: I wanna know why you be callin' my girlfriend in the middle of the night!?

    Me: What?

    Angry Black Man: My girlfriend phone always be rangin' and I saw you callin' from dis numba!?

    What's with all of these jealous, angry black people calling me? It was getting ridiculous, so despite the obvious perils of messing around with an incoherent black man, I thought it would be fun to turn this into a joke.

    Angry Black Man: How long you been callin' my girlfriend numba in the middle of the night!? Tell me!

    Me: Hmm... I have to think about that one.

    Angry Black Man: Tell me how long is been goin on!

    Me: OK, I'd say nine months off the top of my head. Maybe 10, but I'm not sure.

    Angry Black Man: I so angry right na!!!

    Me: I'm sorry dude. She and I have something special going on. She said she's about to break up with you.

    Angry Black Man: If you don't stop callin' my girlfriend numba in the middle of the night, I'ma come to yo house!

    Me: That's fine. I'm sure we'll be able to talk it over like proper gentlemen.

    Angry Black Man: I tellin' you, I'ma come to yo house! I know where you be at!

    Me: Oh really? What's my address then? You didn't even know who I was, so how do you know my address?

    Angry Black Man: ...

    Me: Tell me what my address is, and I'll stop banging your girlfriend behind your back.

    Angry Black Man: ...

    Me: Hello? Angry Black Man, are you there?

    Angry Black Man: ...

    Angry Black Man hung up on me. By my estimation, one of three things happened. 1) He utilized the few IQ points he had in his brain and realized that I was messing around with him. 2) He went to strangle his girlfriend for sleeping with a random guy. Or 3) He was coming to my house to kill me.

    About 10 minutes later, my cousin Polina called me.

    Polina: So, I just received an interesting phone call from your number.

    Me: Was it an angry black man yelling at you for calling his girlfriend in the middle of the night?

    Polina: Yes!

    Me: He just called me too.

    Polina: He kept yelling at me, and I didn't understand what he was saying.

    Me: I just messed around with him and told him that I had been sleeping with his girlfriend behind his back. He's probably coming to kill me now, but I don't care. I wonder how he's calling us from our numbers.

    Polina: No idea, but I'm going to contact Verizon.

    Me: Good idea. Hold on, my sister is calling me. Hello?

    My Sister: Walt? Did you just call me?

    Me: No. But I received a call from an angry black man from your number.

    I told my sister what happened. She, Polina and I are still perplexed. I don't understand how angry black people are lucky enough to call us from our own numbers, yet are too dumb to realize that we are not sleeping with their better half.

    I haven't heard from Angry Black Man (or Angry Black Girl, for that matter) since that day, so maybe they finally got around to ending each other's lives. That would make me sad, but only because it would put an end to the entertaining phone calls.







    2. Bunn's Hipster

    I planned to go swimming at my new gym one evening. I like to walk around the pool to see what temperature the water is because if it's too cold, I just won't swim. As an old, fat man, I don't like to freeze to death.

    My usual pool threshold is 79 degrees, but I was simply not in the mood to be cold that particular evening, so when I saw that the pool temperature was 80 degrees, I decided to bolt after consulting with the half-asleep lifeguard.

    Me: Is it really 80 degrees?

    Lifeguard: Yes.

    Me: Why can't it be warmer?

    Lifeguard: I don't know. I have nothing to do with it.

    Me: I don't think I'm going to swim today.

    Lifeguard: Are you serious? Eighty degrees is not that bad!

    Me: It's bad for an old, fat man like me!

    Lifeguard: So, you're just going to leave the gym after just coming in and seeing what the pool temperature is?

    Me: Umm... yeah.

    I was out. I didn't plan on going home right away because I still had to stop by Bunn's Natural Foods. Now, you might be wondering if I've betrayed my race of old, fat men, and no, I haven't. I wasn't stopping by that store to purchase anything overly healthy. I was actually ordered there by my dentist because Bunn's sells this gum called Spry. It actually contains some sort of ingredient that prevents cavities from forming. Plus, it tastes pretty good, so I chew these Spry gum pieces all the time now. They're $7.99 for 100 pieces, so as a person who frequents the dentist's office, I highly recommend it because I've had fewer cavities since I started purchasing it.

    I grabbed two 100-piece tubs of Spry - cinnamon and spearmint - and made my way to register. There was a guy in front of me who appeared as though he was heterosexually challenged. Trust me, my gaydar is pretty sharp. He wore thin glasses, some sort of vest and a black scarf - an outfit you'd see some hipster sporting while writing crappy poems at Starbucks.

    My gaydar once again proved accurate when I heard the following exchange Bunn's Hipster had with the fat kid at the cash register.

    Bunn's Hipster: Excuthe me, thir, I don't think it'th fair theth cookieth are on dithplay like thith!

    Fat Kid: What? Why?

    Bunn's Hipster: Thir, these cookieth on dithplay thay they are gluten-free even though they're from Albuquerque, which meanth they cannot be gluten-free!

    Fat Kid: I don't get what you're saying.

    I could tell that the fat kid had dealt with this a**hole before. The fat kid seemed overly annoyed, like he didn't want to talk to this pretentious douche.

    Bunn's Hipster: Thith ith obviouthly a sham, and I am not going to take thith falth advertithing anymore.

    Fat Kid: Well, I am not going to take your complaints anymore. There's a line behind you. You're being rude by holding everyone up.

    Bunn's Hipster: I want to thpeak to your manager thir! Theth cookieth from Albuquerque are obviouthly not gluten-free!

    Fat Kid: Well, you'll have to wait by the side because he's currently on break right now.

    Bunn's Hipster seemed pretty pissed about this. He stormed to the other side of the counter, muttering "Jeezzth Chritthh" to himself. The fat kid then rung me up and took care of the next customer, all while Bunn's Hipster stood there with his arms crossed, waiting for the manager to address his concern.

    I really have no idea what his issue was. Why can't cookies from Albuquerque be gluten-free? I actually Googled "Albuquerque gluten free," and the first thing that popped up was a Web site called GlutenFreeAlbuquerque.com.

    So, if you can get gluten-free food from Albuquerque, why was Bunn's Hipster willing to wait around for the store manager just to complain about this? My theory is that he's part of a heterosexually challenged gluten group competing with GlutenFreeAlbuquerque.com, and he wants to destroy that Web site. That, or the Webmaster of GlutenFreeAlbuquerque.com is a another heterosexually challenged male who rejected Bunn's Hipster.

    My guess is that Bunn's Hipster probably could have enjoyed kielbasa man sex with the Webmaster had he chosen a red scarf instead of a black one. My gaydar tells me that black scarves are out of style this season.





    3. PA Wine & Spirits

    About three years ago, when Jerks of the Week was in its infancy, I posted an e-mail from a Craig H., who when going into the state of Pennsylvania for the first time, quickly discovered something horrible - that liquor and beer cannot be sold in the same store. Sad. but true.

    Pennsylvania, of course, does this for financial reasons. The overbearing government wants control of all the cash flow, so it jacks up the prices of liquor and sells it in stores it controls called PA Wine & Spirits. There are tons of these stores - there are 33 in my county alone per their Web site - and they're the only place in the state where you can purchase liquor.

    Of course, as with every single shortsighted government plan, people find a way around it. For instance, almost everyone I know drives into New Jersey to buy their liquor. Yes, the gas money is costly, but they actually save cash because liquor is so much cheaper in New Jersey.

    Me? Well, I'd do it if I weren't lazy. So, I planned on going to the local PA Wine & Spirits store after I finished my work on New Year's Eve. I needed to buy some liquor for a party I was throwing at my house that night.

    I wrapped things up around 8. The standard hours for PA Wine & Spirits stores are 9-9 on weekdays and Saturday. I figured I had ample time, so I drove over to the beer distributor and bought a couple of cases. I then made my way to the PA Wine & Spirits store around 8:20, but quickly noticed that their sign was off. It was also dark in the store, and no one was in the parking lot, save for one guy who got out of his car before me and went to the door. He pulled on it, but it didn't open. I approached the door as well, and saw a sign that said: "Special Holiday Hours! New Year's Eve: 9 a.m. to 8 p.m."

    Oh, thanks for those special holiday hours, a**holes. I was so pissed at that. It was freaking New Year's Eve. Shouldn't they have been open later rather than earlier? People are out late, so why not stay open late? You know, if these were individual liquor stores who wanted to stay financially competitive with other ones, they would have remained open close to midnight. But no - our asinine, overbearing government found a way to screw over people yet again.

    As I was getting into my car, I saw that an older woman exited the store carrying a paper bag with a bottle of liquor inside of it. She was obviously an employee who treated herself to some alcohol after the store had closed. How convenient for her! I considered taking a chance and mugging her for her bottle of liquor, but A) I didn't know what she was carrying, and it could have been lame, and B) mugging elderly women is illegal for some reason. Like I said, our government sucks.

    I thought that maybe it was just this particular store, so I drove to the closest Wine & Spirits, which was about six minutes away. That one was closed as well. I was so angry at that point that I sent out a mass text to most of the people coming to the party:

    "Hey if you have any liquor, can you please bring it over because the GOD DAMN WINE AND SPIRITS STORE CLOSED AT 8 ON NEW YEAR'S EVE FOR SOME F***ING REASON!?!?"

    Combining my frustration with PA Wine & Spirits and the ridiculous amount of construction going on outside of my development (which I'll get to shortly), my blood pressure was going through the roof. That's not good for an old, fat man like me. Fortunately, my friends brought over liquor, and I was able to drink myself into oblivion to conclude both the year and my jerk-comprised week.




    More Jerks of the Week:
    Jerks of the Week - Home
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 22, 2014: Jerks of Christmas Shopping, 2014
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 15, 2014: Idiots at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 8, 2014: Septa Train Zombies
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 1, 2014: Lifeguard Training Day
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 24, 2014: Too Many Cooks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 17, 2014: Halloween and Orange Juice
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 10, 2014: Dunkin Donuts
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 3, 2014: Kyoto and Japanese Food
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 27, 2014: Mario Lopez and Lily Adams
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
    Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
    Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
    Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
    Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
    Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
    Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
    Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
    Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
    Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
    Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
    Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
    Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
    Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
    Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
    Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
    Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
    Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
    Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
    Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
    Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
    Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
    Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
    Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
    Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
    Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
    Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
    Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
    Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
    Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
    Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
    Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
    Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
    Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
    Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
    Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
    Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
    Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
    Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
    Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
    Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
    Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
    Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
    Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
    Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
    Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
    Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
    Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
    Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
    Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
    Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
    Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
    Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
    Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
    Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
    Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
    Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
    Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
    Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
    Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
    Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
    Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
    Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
    Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
    Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
    Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
    Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
    Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
    Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
    Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
    Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
    Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
    Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
    Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
    Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Dec. 22


    2015 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 17


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


    2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


    2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


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