As many of you know, I'm a very fat man. One of my goals recently has been to lose a tenth of a pound each week. It's a difficult task, I know, but I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to know that I'm actually on pace to reach my goal. For those who are also interested in slimming down, here are some of the tactics I've used to make it happen:
1. I've been eating smaller portions. For example, when I had dinner at Wawa recently, I purchased two 6-inch subs instead of a foot-long. Now, conventional wisdom says that I'd be eating the same amount because six inches plus six inches is a foot, if my math is correct. However, that's why conventional wisdom is often wrong. Eating two 6-inch subs is much healthier because it's all about smaller portions. Smaller portions are vital to health.
2. I've been going to my new gym quite frequently lately. It's definitely been a big help. I don't always work out when I go to my gym though. Sometimes the pool is too cold (like around 80-81 degrees), so I don't bother jumping in. Sometimes I get stuck conversing with the lifeguard and then I decide that it's too late to swim. Sometimes I purposely forget my swim trunks or goggles, so that I have an excuse. It's a great strategy. But all of this is OK because just making the drive to the gym is good enough. As the old saying goes, it's the effort that counts.
3. I've been dining at Saladworks quite often. I go about three times per week now. One of the owners knows me by name, one of the managers knows exactly what I want, and the employees who work there have memorized my orders.
All of my orders are healthy, by the way. Here are the three salads that I purchase:
A. Buffalo Blue - Lettuce, tomatoes, tortilla chips, blue cheese chunks and honey barbeque chicken with blue cheese dressing. I hold the peppers and get the honey barbeque chicken instead of the buffalo chicken because the former is healthier (it has the word honey in it, like Honey Nut Cheerios) and tastes better.
B. Bentley - Lettuce, tomatoes, turkey, ham, cheddar cheese, honey barbeque chicken with ranch dressing. I hold the eggs because that's breakfast food. I ask for cheddar cheese instead of the recommended Swiss cheese because the Swiss did not participate in World War II, from what I've heard.
C. Caesar Salad - Lettuce, chicken, parmesan cheese and croutons with Caesar dressing. One again, I ask for no eggs. I have no idea why eggs are included in salads. They're for breakfast. Now, if I were ordering a breakfast salad, I'd expect eggs in there. Wait a second, this gives me an idea...
D. Breakfast Salad - Eggs (with cheese), pancakes, ham, sausages, bacon, maple syrup, diced tomatoes, home fries and toast - all in one bowl. I'm seriously drooling all over my keyboard right nowandcrapmyspacebarnolongerworksgoddamnit.
Anyway, you now know the secrets of my weight loss. This three-step plan works. I guarantee it. Spread this information to your family and friends. Seriously, do it - because there are just way too many fat people in America.
I've written about fat women who want to eat and/or molest me in the past. Well, the number of fat people in this country are increasing by the second. It's because everything is way too convenient for people. For example, they built a Dunkin' Donuts right next to my development. Not only is this Dunkin' Donuts right across the street from another Dunkin' Donuts; it also has a drive-through window. So, the fat people don't even have to cross the street to purchase a dozen doughnuts, and as Awesome Girl Who Loves Football joked, the drive-through windows make it so much easier for fat people so they don't have to waste valuable eating energy getting out of their car.
There is also a Five Guys right next to Saladworks. For those who don't know what a Five Guys is, it's only the best cheeseburger joint in the world. I seriously have wet dreams about their burgers. Walking into Saladworks is quite difficult sometimes with a Five Guys sitting right there.
Apparently, it's a lot more difficult for most people. I always find it humorous that every single time I go into Saladworks, I notice that there are way more customers at Five Guys. I'm not surprised at all because Philadelphia is reportedly the fattest city in America. It's just highly amusing to see so many obese people giving themselves heart attacks rather than attempting to trim down like yours truly.
But just because the Saladworks' patrons are more nutritionally responsible than those who dine at Five Guys, that doesn't make them any less likely to escape Jerks of the Week. I've spotted quite a few jerks at Saladworks recently, so I'd like to discuss them.
1. Entree Man:
TheFreeDictionary.com defines the word "entree" as: "The main dish of a meal." But I didn't need to tell you that because you know what it means. Everyone does, right? Apparently not.
I was at Saladworks on a Friday night in January. I was actually going to pick up Awesome Girl Who Loves Football from the airport later that evening, so I didn't exactly have all the time in the world. I wanted to buy a salad and finish up my work before making the 40-minute trip to Philadelphia International Airport.
There was one guy in front of me in line, so I was optimistic about getting home quickly. The guy was a bald man in his late 50s sporting a gray mustache and wearing a blue hoodie. He also had a terrible odor. The Saladworks employee asked him what he wanted, yet all he did was scratch his head for about a minute before asking the dumbest question of all time:
"What's an entree?"
Umm... what? I immediately gave him a "what the f***" look, and the Saladworks employee did the same.
Saladworks Employee: Excuse me?
Entree Man: What's an entree?
Saladworks Employee: I'm not sure I understand your question.
Entree Man: I want to know what an entree is. It says here that I can get an entree but I don't know what that is.
Saladworks Employee: Well, you can get a whole salad. That's an entree. Or you can get half a soup and half a salad. That's an entree too.
Entree Man: Oh... now I understand...
I don't think he understood. Even though there's a sign in Saladworks that lists the options for an entree, Entree Man still stood there in bewilderment. It's almost as if he was frozen for centuries and was having his first dining experience since the 1400s.
After about two minutes of thinking it over, Entree Man finally announced that he wanted a whole salad for his entree. The Saladworks employee then asked him a very difficult question: "What type of salad do you want?" Entree Man's response?
At that point, I knew I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. Entree Man spent the next five minutes staring at the menu. Growing extremely impatient, I asked him if I could go ahead of him because I was in a hurry. He dismissed my request by saying, "Oh, I'll just be a second."
Five minutes later, Entree Man finally decided what he wanted. He wanted to create his own salad. His incredible creation was comprised of lettuce, carrots and croutons with Italian dressing.
I walked out with my own salad several minutes later. I passed by Entree Man on my way to the door. He was sitting by himself, enjoying his extremely complex entree. Completely pissed off, I had the urge to say, "Nice salad there, bub," but I was completely distracted by his terrible stench. I suddenly forgot what I wanted to say. In fact, I don't remember much until I arrived at the airport.
2. Greek Salad Lady:
Entree Man wasn't the only inconsiderate douche I encountered at Saladworks. One Tuesday evening, there was a short woman in front of me who was sporting a Justin Bieber lesbian haircut, only it was dyed red. When asked what this woman wanted, she said, "I'd like three salads, please."
Three salads? I suddenly felt like I was in a Snickers commercial. I wasn't going anywhere for a while because making three salads would take such a long time. This pissed me off because I was the only other person in line. If you're going to order three of something that takes a while, wouldn't you let someone go in front of you if they're just planning to purchase one of those things?
I was already angry, but my frustration grew because the employee and this woman couldn't seem to understand each other on a couple of occasions. They were each at fault once. The first instance involved some confusion about the salad choice.
Saladworks Employee: And what kind of salads would you like?
Greek Salad Lady: I want three Greek Salads.
Saladworks Employee: What is a Greek Salad?
Greek Salad Lady: ...
Saladworks Employee: I don't know what a Greek Salad is.
Greek Salad Lady: ...
Greek Salad Lady stood there with her arms crossed, tapping her foot impatiently. She didn't say anything. The employee looked around in confusion. About a minute later, she gasped, "Oh, I see the sign for me. How stupid of me! It was right in front of me the whole time!"
OK, I don't really know who's more at fault here. On one hand, the employee should have known how to make a Greek Salad, but she was new at the time, so I won't give her too much grief. On the other hand, Greek Salad Lady and her pretentious Justin Bieber lesbian haircut could have helped the employee by pointing to the sign instead of arrogantly standing there. It would have been one thing if she happened to be the only person in line, but I was waiting.
Ultimately, I've decided that Greek Salad Lady is to blame for this. If she had ordered a regular salad like a normal human being, there wouldn't have been any confusion. What the hell is a Greek Salad anyway? This ain't Greece, missy. Stop ordering Greek Salads.
The other misunderstanding occurred when the employee asked Greek Salad Lady if she wanted dressing mixed in or on the side. This sounds like a pretty simple question, but Greek Salad Lady didn't seem to comprehend what she was being asked.
Saladworks Employee: Do you want your salad dressing mixed in or on the side?
Greek Salad Lady: What?
Saladworks Employee: Uhh... do you want the salad dressing mixed into the salad or on the side?
Greek Salad Lady: Yes, I'll have salad dressing.
Saladworks Employee: But... do you want it mixed in or on the side?
Greek Salad Lady: I will take the Balsamic Vinaigrette.
Saladworks Employee: OK great, but do you want it mixed in or on the side?
Greek Salad Lady: I don't understand the question.
I'm no matchmaker, but I think Greek Salad Lady and Entree Man should go out with each other. They can be extremely happy with each other despite the fact that neither understands anything about food. But they'll at least have something in common.
3. Soup Register Woman:
Maybe Entree Man and Greek Salad Lady can have a menage a trois with someone I'd like to call Soup Register Woman.
I ordered a salad painlessly one time. I went to the register to pay, but there was a woman standing there. I hadn't seen her order anything, so I was confused as to why she was there. Apparently, she was befuddled as well.
Soup Register Woman: Hi, I'd like to order soup.
Co-Owner: Oh, you can order soup at the counter over there where we have all the soups.
Soup Register Woman: What kind of soups do you have?
Co-Owner: Today we have the tomato bisque, the...
Soup Register Woman: I'll take the tomato bisque.
Co-Owner: That's great, but you'll have to do so over there.
Soup Register Woman: I think a medium will be fine.
Co-Owner: OK, but...
Soup Register Woman: What else do you have here?
At this point, the co-owner looked at me and rolled his eyes. I don't understand why she wouldn't listen to what he was saying, but she continued...
Soup Register Woman: What else do you have here?
Co-Owner (growing impatient): Salads...
Soup Register Woman: I'll take a salad with the soup.
Co-Owner: You can order that over there.
Soup Register Woman: All right, I'll wait for it here then.
Co-Owner: But you have to order it over there. You have to tell them what type of salad and soup you want, as well as what size.
Soup Register Woman: Oh, I'll take a regular salad to go along with the tomato bisque soup.
The co-owner looked at me and rolled his eyes again as if he were thinking, "Oh my God, this woman is a f***ing moron."
She definitely was a f***ing moron - but not a complete f***ing moron. After all, she had smart eating habits like me.