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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012




Jerks of the Week for Dec. 24, 2012


JERK OF THE WEEK: Christmas Jewelry Commercials

You have to love the holiday season. There are many great things about it. For instance, there's nothing like buying the perfect gift and watching your own expression in the mirror as you open your own wonderful present. I have very fond memories of doing this throughout all of my Christmases. It's very difficult to shop for myself, so once I find that perfect present, I get this unreal magical feeling. I can't even describe it.

There are bad things about Christmas time, unfortunately, like buying stuff for other people. I don't know why this is necessary. You buy Person X a gift, and they reciprocate. So, why not use the money you spent on presents on yourself? It's more logical and efficient.

Christmas commercials are even worse. I've made fun of the Lexus December to Remember campaigns multiple times in the past. I plan on continuing that tradition next week. However, I must get to the awful holiday jewelry ads that have continuously been running on TV throughout this entire month. They absolutely suck, and if I don't rant about them, I fear that I may lose my sanity.

Let's kick things off with a Christmas jewelry commercial that's been televised for years...


Santa Cab Driver Commercial

This ad seems innocent enough - until a man who looks like Santa Claus pulls up in a cab and offers to give these folks a ride. This woman is thrilled at the prospect of Santa driving her and her boyfriend home. The couple then kisses in the back of Santa's cab, and the rest of the night is magical, correct?

Well, I wouldn't be so sure. First of all, who trusts a cab driver who deliberately looks like Santa? There can only be three possibilities here:

1. This is the real Santa Claus. He works as a cab driver 364 nights per year because delivering presents just doesn't pay well - because a**holes leave cookies and milk out instead of money.

A cash tip for Santa would make so much more sense. The guy works hard; he makes his trek across the globe and drops off gifts to those who have been nice all in one night. He busts his a**, yet people don't even compensate him financially for it. Instead, they give him cookies and milk. No wonder he's so fat. Santa is probably one Christmas away from developing diabetes.

Unfortunately for the couple in the cab, I'm almost positive that Santa doesn't really exist - they all say he doesn't, but how do we really know for sure? - so that just leaves two more potential outcomes...

2. The man dressed as Santa is really a member of the mob, who was sent because they put a hit out on this guy.

This may seem far-fetched at first, but hear me out. Take a close look at the gift-giver. He looks pretty sleazy, wears shady leather gloves and clearly has a New York-ish Italian accent, which means there's an 83 percent chance he's in the mob. And listen to what he says: "He helped me pick this out."

This guy is clearly a turncoat. The "he" he happens to be referring to is another don. He switched his allegiances, and now the Santa Claus driver is going to drive into an alleyway where cars will block each exit. And then this man will be sleeping with the fishes - all because he wanted to buy this chick an ugly piece of jewelry.

3. If this is not a mob hit, then the man dressed as Santa is a deranged lunatic who escaped from a local mental health facility. He clearly thinks he's Santa, and he's able to get so many passengers because people think, "Hey it's Christmas, and there's Santa, driving a cab instead of a sleigh! This doesn't seem suspicious at all!" Idiots.

So, what does this sick man do? He'll obviously drive this couple to his house. He'll drug them, carry their bodies to the basement and tie them up. When they come to, they'll be stripped completely naked. The Santa Claus driver will stand over them, unbuckle his belt and pull something out from his pants - the complete DVD set of Mike and Molly, and he'll force them to watch every single episode 20 times! The horror!







Look at this Ring Commercial

This one's a little... umm... strange. I don't really understand what's going on here. Is this guy proposing to everyone he sees? Is he that desperate for Christmas romance? And how bad is it that the mailman rejected him? I don't know how you can come back from that.

I wonder how the mailman reacted...

Mailman: Hey, I have your mail!

Desperate Guy: And I have a ring for you. Will you marry me?

Mailman: Marry? What? I just deliver your mail.

Desperate Guy: But you've been dropping hints! The way you smiled the other day when you handed me that envelope - I could tell that there was a spark between us.

Mailman: I smile at everyone...

Desperate Guy: Yes, but we have something special. Look at this ring? Isn't it beautiful? I thought about you when I bought it.

Mailman: That's it, I quit! I thought everyone was going to fire me, and I was going to have to go postal on my co-workers, but I just can't handle this anymore!

Then, you have the doctor and his nurse, both of whom look very unimpressed by his ring choice. I can only imagine how that went down...

Doctor: I have some bad news for you... you... well... you have developed a second a**hole. This means you'll have to s*** twice as much. It's going to be difficult, but with... what's this? A ring?

Desperate Guy: Yes it is. Will you marry me?

Doctor: Marry you? With that ring? Ha! Speaking of s***ting, I poop out more impressive rings than that crap!

Meanwhile, the two Italian restaurant guys appear puzzled by this ring...

Desperate Guy: Will either of you guys marry me?

Donny: Hey Louie, look what dis guy brought to us.

Louie: Eh yo, Donnie, dat look like dat ring dat da guy nicked from da don.

Donny: I'll be right back, Louie. I'm gonna call da don to see if he wants to get Mr. Clause to take care of dis guy.

I'm not sure how Desperate Guy seemed to survive an encounter with the mob, but he finally attempted to propose to someone of the opposite sex.

Desperate Guy: I love you. Will you marry me?

Girl on Bench: AHHHHHH GET AWAY FROM ME CREEP!!!!!!!

Desperate Guy: But I've been in love with you ever since I saw you sit down on the bench today.

Girl on Bench: HELP ME, POLICE!!!!! THIS GUY'S GOING TO RAPE ME!!!!!!!

Mob Santa: Eh yo, honey, go home. No coppers needed. I'll make sure dis guy won't ever bother you again.

Desperate Guy: Will you marry me, Santa?

Mob Santa: Yeah, I'll marry you. I'll marry you wit da fishes you'll be sleepin' wit.

Desperate Guy: Yay, I finally found a mate!


Fake Santa Commercial

I'm sorry, but this commercial disgusts me. I'm all for same-sex marriages - because it means more girls for us straight guys - but I don't think a man should ever be able to marry a woman with a Justin Bieber lesbian haircut. Why? Because a product of such a union can only be disastrous. In this case, it's that stupid kid.

I think I should point out the obvious - that kid is not Santa. The real Santa is an old, fat diabetic with glasses. This kid is not old or fat, and he's clearly not a diabetic because he nabs the cookies (without the milk) at the very end. He doesn't have spectacles either, though he does boast a beard. I'm not sure how a kid grew an impressive beard like that, but I must say that I'm kind of jealous.

Where did this kid get that jewelry anyway? It can't have possibly been from his dad - because no reasonable man would ever pull a stupid stunt like that. Then again, this man did marry a woman with a Justin Bieber lesbian haircut, so I assume anything is possible. He probably does other stupid things like watch Dancing with the Stars and take ballet lessons. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Oh, and what's up with the way the woman with the Justin Bieber lesbian haircut says, "Ohhhh Santa?" It sounds like she's having an orgasm. And that's not good - because she's getting an orgasm while saying Santa's name even though her kid is there dressed in a Santa costume. I think that's pretty sick, but then again, this is a woman who proudly boasts a Justin Bieber lesbian haircut, so who the hell knows what her true sexual desires are?





If It Wasn't For You Commercial

I had to include this commercial because it's been playing every 15 seconds this winter. I'm not even exaggerating. If you have your TV on for an hour - it doesn't matter which channel - you're going to see this ad at least 50 times. Guaranteed.

This song is "burnt into my brain," as one of the grammatically inept commenters posted under this video. It really is. If I have my TV on for another hour, I may completely lose my mind.

Take away the song, and this video isn't bad. The first segment features Lyla Garrity, one of the female leads from Friday Night Lights. The commenters, as you can see, are big fans of her. So is Tim Riggins. There is no doubt that a drunken Riggins walked into this fancy-shmancy restaurant five seconds after this scene and beat everyone up. Because that's just how Tim Riggins does things.

The second portion isn't funny at all. Those two idiots lying in the snow undoubtedly will catch pneumonia, and then one will die of dysentery. There's nothing amusing about that.

The last part is what I want to discuss. I can't believe those douche bags. They stopped traffic just to get out of their car so they could give each other jewelry? Unbelievable. And here I thought other people were selfish for wanting me to buy them Christmas presents. These a**holes make those other people look like Mother Teresa.


Stepdad Commercial

This isn't really a Christmas commercial, but it's currently been airing a ton. I don't really need to tell you the problem with it. Some of the people who commented under the video can do that:

  • That dude is definitely putting the moves on his step daughter.

  • This ad was creepy and weird and just no. Stop it.

  • Very relate-able (sic), especially for those girls whose mothers remarry only to then find out that step-dad is a pedophile who diddled little Susie after grooming her by buying her gifts like jewelry that is way to expensive for a ten year old (sic). Way to go mom.

  • Apparently I'm not the only one who found this offputting. If a girl's stepfather is getting her alone and giving her fine jewelry there is a problem.

    I don't think this is totally fair. Maybe this guy is just a nice dude who wanted to do something nice for the daughter of the woman he loves. Not all men who buy little girls expensive jewelry are pedophiles. Maybe like 83 percent, but definitely not all of them.

    The problem for this guy is that the woman he's seeing may think like the commenters. Even if nothing's going on, she may assume that her boyfriend is putting the moves on her daughter. She'll be jealous at first, but then she'll begin to obsess about it. The obsession will then transform into rage, and that rage will build until she decides to do something unspeakable. In fact, I can already see her reaching for the phone...

    Jealous Woman: Hey, are you the guy who can take care of my problem for me?

    Mob Santa: Yeah, I can do that, ma'am. I'll take carea dis guy, no problem.

    And there you have it. This guy died because he tried to be nice. The moral of the story? Stick to buying gifts for yourself.




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    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Oct. 30


    2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 29


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


    2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


    2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


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