You have to love the holiday season. There are many great things about it. For instance, there's nothing like buying the perfect gift and watching your own expression in the mirror as you open your own wonderful present. I have very fond memories of doing this throughout all of my Christmases. It's very difficult to shop for myself, so once I find that perfect present, I get this unreal magical feeling. I can't even describe it.
There are bad things about Christmas time, unfortunately, like buying stuff for other people. I don't know why this is necessary. You buy Person X a gift, and they reciprocate. So, why not use the money you spent on presents on yourself? It's more logical and efficient.
Christmas commercials are even worse. I've made fun of the Lexus December to Remember campaigns multiple times in the past. I plan on continuing that tradition next week. However, I must get to the awful holiday jewelry ads that have continuously been running on TV throughout this entire month. They absolutely suck, and if I don't rant about them, I fear that I may lose my sanity.
Let's kick things off with a Christmas jewelry commercial that's been televised for years...
This ad seems innocent enough - until a man who looks like Santa Claus pulls up in a cab and offers to give these folks a ride. This woman is thrilled at the prospect of Santa driving her and her boyfriend home. The couple then kisses in the back of Santa's cab, and the rest of the night is magical, correct?
Well, I wouldn't be so sure. First of all, who trusts a cab driver who deliberately looks like Santa? There can only be three possibilities here:
1. This is the real Santa Claus. He works as a cab driver 364 nights per year because delivering presents just doesn't pay well - because a**holes leave cookies and milk out instead of money.
A cash tip for Santa would make so much more sense. The guy works hard; he makes his trek across the globe and drops off gifts to those who have been nice all in one night. He busts his a**, yet people don't even compensate him financially for it. Instead, they give him cookies and milk. No wonder he's so fat. Santa is probably one Christmas away from developing diabetes.
Unfortunately for the couple in the cab, I'm almost positive that Santa doesn't really exist - they all say he doesn't, but how do we really know for sure? - so that just leaves two more potential outcomes...
2. The man dressed as Santa is really a member of the mob, who was sent because they put a hit out on this guy.
This may seem far-fetched at first, but hear me out. Take a close look at the gift-giver. He looks pretty sleazy, wears shady leather gloves and clearly has a New York-ish Italian accent, which means there's an 83 percent chance he's in the mob. And listen to what he says: "He helped me pick this out."
This guy is clearly a turncoat. The "he" he happens to be referring to is another don. He switched his allegiances, and now the Santa Claus driver is going to drive into an alleyway where cars will block each exit. And then this man will be sleeping with the fishes - all because he wanted to buy this chick an ugly piece of jewelry.
3. If this is not a mob hit, then the man dressed as Santa is a deranged lunatic who escaped from a local mental health facility. He clearly thinks he's Santa, and he's able to get so many passengers because people think, "Hey it's Christmas, and there's Santa, driving a cab instead of a sleigh! This doesn't seem suspicious at all!" Idiots.
So, what does this sick man do? He'll obviously drive this couple to his house. He'll drug them, carry their bodies to the basement and tie them up. When they come to, they'll be stripped completely naked. The Santa Claus driver will stand over them, unbuckle his belt and pull something out from his pants - the complete DVD set of Mike and Molly, and he'll force them to watch every single episode 20 times! The horror!
This one's a little... umm... strange. I don't really understand what's going on here. Is this guy proposing to everyone he sees? Is he that desperate for Christmas romance? And how bad is it that the mailman rejected him? I don't know how you can come back from that.
I wonder how the mailman reacted...
Mailman: Hey, I have your mail!
Desperate Guy: And I have a ring for you. Will you marry me?
Mailman: Marry? What? I just deliver your mail.
Desperate Guy: But you've been dropping hints! The way you smiled the other day when you handed me that envelope - I could tell that there was a spark between us.
Mailman: I smile at everyone...
Desperate Guy: Yes, but we have something special. Look at this ring? Isn't it beautiful? I thought about you when I bought it.
Mailman: That's it, I quit! I thought everyone was going to fire me, and I was going to have to go postal on my co-workers, but I just can't handle this anymore!
Then, you have the doctor and his nurse, both of whom look very unimpressed by his ring choice. I can only imagine how that went down...
Doctor: I have some bad news for you... you... well... you have developed a second a**hole. This means you'll have to s*** twice as much. It's going to be difficult, but with... what's this? A ring?
Desperate Guy: Yes it is. Will you marry me?
Doctor: Marry you? With that ring? Ha! Speaking of s***ting, I poop out more impressive rings than that crap!
Meanwhile, the two Italian restaurant guys appear puzzled by this ring...
Desperate Guy: Will either of you guys marry me?
Donny: Hey Louie, look what dis guy brought to us.
Louie: Eh yo, Donnie, dat look like dat ring dat da guy nicked from da don.
Donny: I'll be right back, Louie. I'm gonna call da don to see if he wants to get Mr. Clause to take care of dis guy.
I'm not sure how Desperate Guy seemed to survive an encounter with the mob, but he finally attempted to propose to someone of the opposite sex.
Desperate Guy: I love you. Will you marry me?
Girl on Bench: AHHHHHH GET AWAY FROM ME CREEP!!!!!!!
Desperate Guy: But I've been in love with you ever since I saw you sit down on the bench today.
Girl on Bench: HELP ME, POLICE!!!!! THIS GUY'S GOING TO RAPE ME!!!!!!!
Mob Santa: Eh yo, honey, go home. No coppers needed. I'll make sure dis guy won't ever bother you again.
Desperate Guy: Will you marry me, Santa?
Mob Santa: Yeah, I'll marry you. I'll marry you wit da fishes you'll be sleepin' wit.
I'm sorry, but this commercial disgusts me. I'm all for same-sex marriages - because it means more girls for us straight guys - but I don't think a man should ever be able to marry a woman with a Justin Bieber lesbian haircut. Why? Because a product of such a union can only be disastrous. In this case, it's that stupid kid.
I think I should point out the obvious - that kid is not Santa. The real Santa is an old, fat diabetic with glasses. This kid is not old or fat, and he's clearly not a diabetic because he nabs the cookies (without the milk) at the very end. He doesn't have spectacles either, though he does boast a beard. I'm not sure how a kid grew an impressive beard like that, but I must say that I'm kind of jealous.
Where did this kid get that jewelry anyway? It can't have possibly been from his dad - because no reasonable man would ever pull a stupid stunt like that. Then again, this man did marry a woman with a Justin Bieber lesbian haircut, so I assume anything is possible. He probably does other stupid things like watch Dancing with the Stars and take ballet lessons. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Oh, and what's up with the way the woman with the Justin Bieber lesbian haircut says, "Ohhhh Santa?" It sounds like she's having an orgasm. And that's not good - because she's getting an orgasm while saying Santa's name even though her kid is there dressed in a Santa costume. I think that's pretty sick, but then again, this is a woman who proudly boasts a Justin Bieber lesbian haircut, so who the hell knows what her true sexual desires are?
I had to include this commercial because it's been playing every 15 seconds this winter. I'm not even exaggerating. If you have your TV on for an hour - it doesn't matter which channel - you're going to see this ad at least 50 times. Guaranteed.
This song is "burnt into my brain," as one of the grammatically inept commenters posted under this video. It really is. If I have my TV on for another hour, I may completely lose my mind.
Take away the song, and this video isn't bad. The first segment features Lyla Garrity, one of the female leads from Friday Night Lights. The commenters, as you can see, are big fans of her. So is Tim Riggins. There is no doubt that a drunken Riggins walked into this fancy-shmancy restaurant five seconds after this scene and beat everyone up. Because that's just how Tim Riggins does things.
The second portion isn't funny at all. Those two idiots lying in the snow undoubtedly will catch pneumonia, and then one will die of dysentery. There's nothing amusing about that.
The last part is what I want to discuss. I can't believe those douche bags. They stopped traffic just to get out of their car so they could give each other jewelry? Unbelievable. And here I thought other people were selfish for wanting me to buy them Christmas presents. These a**holes make those other people look like Mother Teresa.
This isn't really a Christmas commercial, but it's currently been airing a ton. I don't really need to tell you the problem with it. Some of the people who commented under the video can do that:
That dude is definitely putting the moves on his step daughter.
This ad was creepy and weird and just no. Stop it.
Very relate-able (sic), especially for those girls whose mothers remarry only to then find out that step-dad is a pedophile who diddled little Susie after grooming her by buying her gifts like jewelry that is way to expensive for a ten year old (sic). Way to go mom.
Apparently I'm not the only one who found this offputting. If a girl's stepfather is getting her alone and giving her fine jewelry there is a problem.
I don't think this is totally fair. Maybe this guy is just a nice dude who wanted to do something nice for the daughter of the woman he loves. Not all men who buy little girls expensive jewelry are pedophiles. Maybe like 83 percent, but definitely not all of them.
The problem for this guy is that the woman he's seeing may think like the commenters. Even if nothing's going on, she may assume that her boyfriend is putting the moves on her daughter. She'll be jealous at first, but then she'll begin to obsess about it. The obsession will then transform into rage, and that rage will build until she decides to do something unspeakable. In fact, I can already see her reaching for the phone...
Jealous Woman: Hey, are you the guy who can take care of my problem for me?
Mob Santa: Yeah, I can do that, ma'am. I'll take carea dis guy, no problem.
And there you have it. This guy died because he tried to be nice. The moral of the story? Stick to buying gifts for yourself.