My friend Josh has some interesting things to say. I've been trying to get him to write Jerks of the Week-type articles for this site as a new weekly feature, but he's a lazy son of a b**** and hasn't sent me any content yet. But that's beside the point.
Josh and I were discussing Lost two weeks ago. He had some good theories about the show, but seemed to dismiss my "Man In Black is Aaron" hypothesis. Jerk!
Anyway, Josh commented that there has never been a better period for television shows (crappy reality programming excluded). "We're in the golden age of TV," Josh said. "But we're also in the dark age of music."
It usually takes me five minutes to find something good on the radio in the crappy city of Taxadelphia, but I never really thought about how horrible music has become. Since my conversation with Josh, I really began paying attention to some of the words in these songs on the radio. I'd like to cite lyrics from three separate songs, and you tell me if we're in the dark ages of music or not:
Wow. I've been more creative dropping deuces on the toilet. How can someone publish this garbage?
If all it takes is putting five random words together and repeating them nonsensically, anyone can be a musician. Don't believe me? Check out my awesome new song:
"Log on-on, log on-on. Log on-on, log l-l-l-log-log-log, log-log on. Walter Football .com, log on-on. Walter Football .com, log on-on. Walter Football .com, log on-on. Walter Football .com, log on-on. Walter Football.com, now. Walter Football .com, now. Walter Football .com. Walter Football."
If you're a recording artist, please e-mail me because I'd like to sign a record deal now. That song, Walter Football .com is just a sample of my amazing creativity. All I need to do is find a hot woman to sing along with me, and I'm set.
2. "Do you like it boy. I wa-wa-want. What you wa-wa-want. Give it to me baby. Like boom, boom, boom. What I wa-wa-want is what you wa-wa-want. Na, na-aaaah. Come here rude boy, boy. Can you get it up. Come here rude boy, boy. You should is you big enough. Take it, take it. Baby, baby. Take it, take it. Love me, love me. Come here rude boy, boy. Can you get it up. Come here rude boy, boy is you big enough. Take it, take it. Baby, baby. Take it, take it. Love me, love me." (Rude Boy by Rihanna).
What's up with the inexplicable "boom, boom, boom" in the middle of the song? It doesn't belong there. What if people did this in normal conversations? "Hey, did you boom, boom, boom see Lost last night? It was pretty awesome; I can't believe boom, boom, boom wa-wa-what happened to Desmond."
I'll admit that this song is somewhat catchy, but again, there is absolutely no creativity here. To prove it, I can come up with similar lyrics:
"Do you like the Jerks of the Week. I wr-wr-write. What you re-re-read. Give me another Web site hit. Like boom, boom, boom. What I wr-wr-write is what you re-re-read. Oh, oh-yeah. Read my site, can you refresh. Read me site please, please. You should is it good enough. Read it, read it. Online viewer. Read it, read it, refresh it, refresh it. Read my site, can you refresh. Read me site please, please. You should is it good enough. Read it, read it. Online viewer. Read it, read it, refresh it, refresh it."
I should start charging for autographs. I am awesome.
3. " G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah. G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S. The glamorous, the glamorous, glamorous. By the glamorous, ooh, the flossy, flossy. The glamorous, the glamorous, glamorous. By the glamorous, ooh the flossy, flossy." (Glamorous, by Fergie).
Glamorous was one of the many songs in 2007-08 that had its lyrics spell out the name of the song. It's safe to say that every single great deceased musician was rolling in his/her grave when this happened.
And by the way, what the hell is a "flossy?" I typed in "Define: flossy" into Google, and the following came up: "Resembling floss." Terrific.
I'm getting tired, but I do have enough energy to create a third song. Check it out:
"W-A-L-T-E-R-F-O-O-T-B-A-L-L-D-O-T-C-O-M, yeah. W-A-L-T-E-R-F-O-O-T-B-A-L-L-D-O-T-C-O-M. The WalterFootball.com, the WalterFootball.com, the WalterFootball.com. Log on to the WalterFootball.com, ooh, the toothbrushy, toothbrushy. The WalterFootball.com, the WalterFootball.com, the WalterFootball.com. Log on to the WalterFootball.com, ooh, the toothbrushy, toothbrushy."
I just banged out three songs that, by the standards of the ones I ripped off of, can be great hits and earn me tons of money.
By this time next year, I suspect that it won't take me five minutes to find one of my songs on the radio.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: The Wanderer
I was talking to my friend Schmidty in front of my house on Tuesday. Suddenly, Schmidty motioned behind me and quietly said, "Take a look at this."
I turned my head and saw this fat kid, about 11-13 years old, waddling down the sidewalk. Nothing appeared out of the ordinary at first, but then I noticed where he was on the sidewalk. He was treading the curb, as if he was trying to see how close he could get to the street without falling into it.
It was a pretty strange sight, but I didn't think anything of it - until I noticed the fat kid continuously walking up and down the sidewalk in front of my house for the next five days!
I'm not joking here. From the time I woke up until the moment I turned on my lights and closed the shades each evening, the fat kid was a constant presence outside of my window. If I didn't see him, it was because he walked past my house. Moments later, he was back.
It was really weird - almost like he was a broken record and kept repeating himself. He walked past my house and toward my friend Drew's home. Then, he turned around, went back and moved past my house. A minute later, he was headed toward Drew's again.
A few things about the fat kid whom I dubbed "The Wanderer:"
First, he was always looking at the ground. Always. I never saw him look up once. This could mean one of two things. Either he has self-esteem issues, or he was searching the ground for potato chips or Cheetos that he or someone else may have dropped. You can't discount the latter possibility. I've been told that fat kids will do anything for food - including walk back and forth non-stop for five days.
Second, he never changed his clothes. It was the same black t-shirt and black shorts every day. Was he homeless? Was he a cartoon character? I wasn't quite sure.
Third, I suspected that he might be drunk. Aside from the time he was treading the curb, the Wanderer always zigged back and forth along the sidewalk. He would nearly fall into the street, and then he'd zag toward Drew's lawn, and then back to the street again. I guess when fat kids lose their Doritos, they have the same symptoms as drunks.
Fourth, the Wanderer tried to cross the street once. I noticed this because he stopped and looked the other direction. He peered back and forth about seven times, and started walking across the street. Suddenly, he looked like he was in shock and ran back to his original side. About 15 seconds later, a car drove by. Had he just walked across the street, he would have made it easily. I guess the lack of Doritos and Cheetos had impaired his judgment.
And fifth, something weird happened two minutes ago. As I was typing the last paragraph (Saturday afternoon), a car stopped near the Wanderer. The Wanderer then spoke with the car driver for a few seconds, and then hopped into the car.
Sunday night update: I haven't seen the Wanderer ever since. Was this kid lost? Was he waiting for his parents to pick him up this whole time? Was he kidnapped by the man in the car who promised him food? Or was his father a fat man who sent his son to recover his lost Doritos and Cheetos? I guess I'll never know.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Oh God, not another Lost entry! At least that's what non-Lost viewers are thinking right now. Writing this much stuff might make me a jerk in their eyes, but I don't look at it that way. Lost is the best and most intelligent show of all time, so if you're not watching it, you're a jerk! So there!
In all seriousness, don't worry. Lost is coming to an end in two months, so I'll stop posting all of this Lost stuff. Instead, I'll find another show to obsess about.
Great episode last week - Desmond episodes fail to disappoint. The only questionable Desmond episode contained the pointless flashback about his time in the monastery, but even then, the main storyline was a good.
I thought Desmond's flash sideways, particularly his encounter with the Ring Lady, was very revealing. And the more I thought about it, the more I was convinced of this:
The flash sideways reality is not real. It's manufactured.
Manufactured by whom? I'm not sure yet. It could be the combination of Charles Widmore and Eloise Hawking - maybe that's why the Ring Lady (Eloise) was aware of what Desmond was trying to do. It could be Man In Black's created reality. And what if Eloise, at least in Desmond's visions (both the flash sideways and the one flashback he had in Season 3) is the Man In Black?
I'm thinking the Man In Black is involved because every character that is still alive has obtained what they wanted all along:
Jack: He wants two things: a purpose to his life and for his daddy issues to be resolved. Christian is still dead, but Jack seemingly overcame his daddy issues by bonding with his son (and how convenient that he has a son). With a son, Jack finally has a purpose, and he doesn't have to go around blowing up islands and whining every time he's on camera.
Kate: She went back to the island for one purpose: to reunite Claire with Aaron. She found Claire on the island, but Claire has been too busy nurturing a dead animal and not bathing. But as Miles said though, "She's still hot."
Claire's hotness aside, Kate was able to get Claire to the hospital in the flash sideways, and she seemed to convince Claire to keep Aaron instead of giving him up for adoption. Claire will also be taken care of financially because she was in Christian's will.
Claire: This one's easy - she's finally with her son. By the way, is it just me, or is the unkempt messy Claire a lot hotter than the one in the flash sideways?
Locke: Locke is with Helen and is on good terms with his father. That's all he ever wanted.
Sayid: He has Nadia in his life. He's not with Nadia, but he still loves her and is able to protect her from cool mobsters who make great omelets.
Sawyer: Instead of being a con man, Sawyer is a well-respected detective. That's essentially what he was on the island when he was with the Dharma Initiative. He was content with keeping that lifestyle until his old friends showed up willing to blow up the island. And I think we can all guess that Sawyer and Juliet will eventually meet up in this flash sideways.
Jin and Sun: Jin and Sun are together, and they have the loving relationship they lacked when they first came to the island.
Hurley: Hurley's story will be told tomorrow, but we've seen him before and are aware that he doesn't have bad luck anymore. In fact, Hurley admitted, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."
Desmond: Before Desmond found out about Penny, he was content with his life. He finally had Charles Widmore's respect, and even got a sample of the old man's Scotch whiskey. The Ring Lady told Desmond, "You finally have what you wanted."
And that's when I realized that this is what the flash sideways is all about. Every character has obtained what they wanted. So, did they make a deal with the devil (Man In Black)? Or is this the reward they received from Jacob's successor (whoever the winning candidate is) and Widmore for finally vanquishing the Man In Black?
It could be either or, but the Ring Lady's tone made it sound like the bad guy won. Amid his attempts to search for Penny, the Ring Lady told Desmond that what he was doing was a "violation." She also said, "You're not ready." Why not? If this is a good reality, shouldn't Desmond also have Penny?
I have a feeling that Man In Black will offer everyone their deepest wish, which in turn will create this manufactured world. But because Desmond is self-aware in both realities, he's the only one who can save everyone.
It remains to be seen though if everyone wants to be saved. Does Hurley want bad luck? Does this version of Jack want to lose his son? Does Claire want to lose her son in favor of an animal carcass? Highly doubtful.
There are only five episodes remaining before the series finale, so we'll find out everything soon. In the meantime, I'll keep pissing off non-Lost viewers and banging out these theories that will probably all be debunked in the next couple of weeks. But even if that happens, I don't mind; that's exactly why this show is so awesome.