You might be reading this in an office. Or maybe a classroom. Or a library. It's highly likely that you're surrounded by normal, functioning people. Sure, some might be weird or obscenely obese, but they're mentally capable of doing regular things. If so, consider yourself lucky - because you could be stuck with Internet Idiots.
It's no secret that our country is going into the crapper. There are tons of reasons for it, but the primary one is that people just keep getting dumber and dumber. The evidence is there. Just look on Facebook. You can find idiotic posts anywhere. For instance, I once posted a Jerks of the Week entry called Facebook morons, where I made fun of stupid quotes I find on Facebook. Here are some examples from that edition:
Im bout to go HAM!!! cause I feels as tho y'all n***a light CHEESE!!!!
Every gurl is beautiful but not every gurl cute
whats the rap s ong things it s like and every thing i do reminds me of u ? u playd it in ur car today ?
All three of those quotes make very little sense, though the second is my favorite. It's like the moron version of "all squares are rectangles, but all rectangles aren't squares."
Anyway, I have good news for you. No, people haven't suddenly become more intelligent. On the contrary, there are more idiotic posts than ever on Facebook. In this entry, I'll post those, as well as moronic, new-age haikus, spam mail, and of course, hate mail.
1. Facebook Morons:
I found the following 10 posts on Facebook. Some were made by questionable friends of mine. Others were written by friends of friends. In all honestly, I could have easily compiled a list of 100. Like I said, people are dumber than ever.
1. just order my I pohone im going to be soo cool like every one else !!
Oh, great. Now you can use your "I pohone" to be on Facebook more often and frequently post more incoherent things. How about this rule? You shouldn't be eligible for an "I pohone" or any sort of smart "pohone" if you can't spell the word "phone."
I must admit though that this particular Facebook post isn't nearly as bad as the others because a cute girl made it. Cute girls are allowed to say stupid things. That's not sexist. That's common sense.
2. why do the pretty girls always have a stuck up altitude and the less attractive ones don't
Remember I said that cute girls can make dumb Facebook posts? Well, something they definitely shouldn't do is have stuck-up altitudes. I'm telling you, the world would be a better place if girls would keep their altitudes on a low level.
I know, I know, this guy spelled "attitude" wrong, and auto-correct posted it as "altitude." Still funny though. Auto-correct is annoying, but it can also be quite fun. For instance, the beautiful Awesome Girl Who Loves Football used to write "sec," short for "second," but auto-correct liked to turn it into "sex." I was quite aroused whenever that happened.
3. Im ganna call you noww baby
OK, I can see getting confused between "gonna" and "ganna" - pretty sure the latter is a country in Africa - but why does the word "now" suddenly have two Ws?
Also, punctuation is key. Does this idiot mean, "I'm gonna call you now, baby?" or did he want to say, "Im gonna call you, noww baby." If it's the latter, that's a pretty weird thing to call your girlfriend. I've heard of "babe," "sweetie" and "hun," but "noww baby?" Very strange.
4. The gym is like my home idc what people say its the only place i can feel relaxed and do me
What do people say, exactly? I can almost imagine the conversation...
Facebook Moron: The gym is like my home.
Other Person: No it's not. I don't believe you.
Facebook Moron: But it's the only place I can feel relaxed and do me.
Other Person: I call shenanigans. I don't trust the veracity of your statement.
And what does "I can feel relaxed and do me" mean anyway? "Do me" sounds like he's whacking off. Why can't you do that in your regular home instead of your precious gym, perv?
5. It'd way to early
What the hell is "it'd" a contraction for? "It would way to early?" or maybe "It should way to early." I've been racking my brain for hours trying to figure this out, but nothing makes sense! ARGH!
6. Its feel so good to be around beautiful woman such as my mother my grandmother and my two aunts
Holy crap, it's the modern, less-educated, but more-kinky version of Jaime Lannister!
7. Tbh, i havnt seen you since ants Christmas part your pretty cute
Ah, more incest. This almost sounds like something you'd hear in West Virginia. "Howdy dere, cousin, you lookin' real fine, I ain't seen ya since our aunt Joanie Bob's Cirstmas party, yeehaw!"
Or maybe this isn't incest. Perhaps this weirdo has a pet ant that happened to throw a Christmas party. Regardless, it was a feeble attempt to game the attractive girl he was addressing because all she did was say "thanks!"
8. I AM SO SICK OF HEARING ABOHT THEAE BOGUS AS ELECTIONS- you are all emotional over NOTHING. Everything both of these men say is BuLL, It's nothing.new that politicians are liars. Wake up and stop buying into the hype and getting histerical over nothing. G-d Bless America.
G-d bless America indeed. This country is wonderful. Ignorant people like this can post whatever they want on Facebook, and then on Election Day, they can go make uninformed decisions while filling out their ballot, and yet their vote counts just as much as a judge's or a rocket scientist's. Yeah, our election system is flawless.
9. tbh, why is there so many girls obsessed over me im not perfect or anything!!?
Ah, the horrors of having "so many" girls obsessed over you. I think we can all relate to this man's problems. In fact, there are private meetings you can go to called Girls Obsess Over Me Anonymous, where you can talk about the issues stemming from having so many girls fawn over you. If you know this man, please send him directions to the nearest GOOMA meeting place. There's still time for him to recover!
10. *** This is a two-parter by someone named Leon ***
Leon went from making a humble post about himself to stating that he is the best. What the hell happened in those 12 hours? How the hell did his ego grow so much?
My best guess? He walked down the street, and every girl he encountered dropped her panties for him. If so, sounds like GOOMA will be having yet another member soon.
2. New-Age Haikus:
You may have noticed that two of the people above wrote "tbh" (short for "to be honest") at the beginning of their grammatically inept sentences. While searching for Facebook morons, I stumbled across some sort of phenomenon. People in this Facebook subculture love to post these strange haikus on their friends' walls where every line begins with "tbh." I found five particularly dumb ones, including:
tbh let me know when we chilling
tbh you fresh
tbh you cool as s**t
tbh were boys
Barely any of that makes sense, especially the fourth line. "Tbh were boys?" You were boys, but what happened? Are you referring to the transition to manhood, or did you undergo a sex change? Not that there's anything wrong with the latter, of course.
And what is this "rate: chill" business? Did you seriously rate your own new-age haiku? That's pretty presumptuous of you. What if the haiku critics out there don't think your new-age haiku is chill at all? Leave it to the experts to decide if you're talented enough, bud.
tbh your chill
u never come chill anymore
Perhaps your former friend doesn't come chill anymore because you make such terrible new-age haikus. Improve your new-age haiku skills immediately, or be prepared to spend many lonely nights wondering why everyone has abandoned you.
tbh hey cutie lol
tbh your cool and chill
tbh we use to chill
tbh you always looking fresh
tbh you my boy
The thing that pisses me off most about these new-age haikus is that they don't make any sense. "To be honest, hey cutie?" What's honest about that? There was absolutely nothing honest about that sentence. "Hey cutie" can neither be honest nor dishonest. It's just a greeting. But imagine if we lived in a world where it could be dishonest...
Person A: To be honest, hey sir.
Person B: Hi!
Person A: Ha! I fooled you! I wasn't actually saying "hey" to you. I was being dishonest!
Also, would it kill these haiku artists to use the word "are" once in a while? Like "to be honest, you are my boy" or "to be honest, you are always looking fresh." And what does "looking fresh" mean anyway? Does anyone ever say "to be honest, he's looking rotten" behind someone's back?
Tbh your chill
Tbh me you a jojo gatta chill this summer
Tbh hmu bro
Bro rate 8
I'm not even going to speculate what "me you a jojo gatta" means. That line is giving me a headache. What I do want to focus on is "Bro rate 8." Is this another rating? If so, how does this compare to "rate: chill?" Is "Bro rate 8" better or worse than "rate: chill?"
The person originally responsible for these "tbh" haikus needs to come out with a consensus grading scale. I mean, seriously - how am I supposed to tell which new-age haiku is better than the other?
-i love you
-i wish i would have went to the dance
It should be quite obvious that the person responsible for this new-age haiku is quite lazy. Instead of writing "tbh" on every line, this rebellious individual used a shortcut, typing "to be honest honest honest" at the top.
I actually feel sorry for this guy. He sounds so pathetic trying to reach out to this hot woman he's pining after. I just hope for his sake that there's an organization that handles the opposite of what GOOMA members suffer through.
I usually don't have to hunt for Internet Idiots. They come to me quite often. For example, here's some hate mail I received:
Poor Howard put such time and effort into composing his hate mail, yet I brushed it off quite thoughtlessly. Because I just don't care. Hate mail is hilarious and makes for good reading material. It also lets me know how dumb people are. Seriously, Howard, why would you post your company name in an unprofessional e-mail to me? Are you not concerned about either getting fired or losing clients?
Oh, and if you've been reading this Web site for a while, you know that I love to respond to spammers just to mess with them. It's fun writing material, and besides, if they're busy with me, they're not conning someone else - so I consider myself a good samaritan for doing that.
I had a long entry with this woman Mulyana running in the fall. I posted it on Facebook earlier if you haven't seen it: Steve Urkel Spam Mail. I'll have more spam adventures in the fall, but I can at least give you a quick preview.
You'd think that a ridiculous response like this would ward this spammer away. Nope. These people are complete imbeciles - a bit ironic, since I had to look up how to spell that word - so Leslie M. sent me a long reply:
Good Day To You,
I am Mr. Leslie Mcintyre, Staff of Investec Bank (England). I am contacting you concerning a deceased customer Niclas of my Bank and investment he placed under our banks management 8 years ago to the tune of Twelve Million Great British Pounds (�12,000,000.00).I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail confidential and respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this mail. I have been in charge of this department for six years and to best of my knowledge, I have discharged my duty with equity.
I am contacting you so that I can give you further briefing on my intention and how to disburse the funds and estate he left behind, I discovered that both of you have a similar last name. I am prepared to place you in a position to instruct the Bank to release the deposit to you as the closest surviving relation. Upon receipt of the deposit, I am prepared to share the money with you in half. That is, I will simply nominate you as the next of kin and have them release the deposit to you. We share the proceeds 50/50.
I ask that you do not destroy my chance, if you will not work with me let me know and let me move on with my life but do not destroy me. I am a family man with wife and children; this is an opportunity to provide them with new opportunities. There is a reward for this project and it is a task well worth undertaking.
Please, again, note I am a family man; I send you this mail not without a measure of fear as to the consequences, but I know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches never come easy or on a platter of gold. This is the one truth I have learned from my private banking clients. do not betray my confidence. If we can be of one accord, we should act swiftly on this. This is my personal telephone you can call me if you want to Telephone: +447933973882.
Please get back to me immediately for further communication
I await your response.
"Please do not destroy me?" Oh, OK, now I trust him. I now believe that there was a Niclas Cherepinsky out there, and that I am entitled to his wealth. Not. Here was my quick response:
I have yet to hear back from Leslie. I guess he was serious about not wanting to be destroyed.
St. Stalin's Day Update:
If you've been reading Jerks of the Week for a while, you know that yesterday (May 19) was St. Stalin's Day, the Russian version of St. Patrick's Day. Instead of green, you wear red while drinking all day. It's awesome.
We've decided that St. Stalin's Day should be celebrated on the Saturday on or after May 19 to maximize drinking. That would make it May 25 this year, but that's Memorial Day weekend, so we're doing it on June 1. When June 1 rolls around, proudly wear red and consume as much alcohol as possible!