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Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011




Jerks of the Week for Jan. 10, 2011

*** Note: I wrote this before the Arizona shooting. I'll have something on that next week. ***


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Penn State Prohibition

I'd like to preface this Jerks of the Week entry by saying that I hate shots. I just can't do them. But I'm not some sissy man - I have a reasonable explanation. I swear.

Back in my Penn State days, I used to go out four nights a week. Being a poor college student, I'd do shots of cheap rum (Bacardi, Captain Morgan, etc.) before going out so I wouldn't spend my life savings (about 40 bucks) at the bar. It was a great plan; by doing 6-10 shots (either with friends or by myself while I harassed people on AIM), I'd usually spend less than $20 at the bar, giving me enough cash left over to buy pizza afterward NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Everything changed on one spring evening in my sixth year at Penn State (you can see why it took me six years to graduate). I was supposed to meet these girls at a bar named Pickle's. I opened up a new bottle of Bacardi Razz - not that there's anything wrong with that - and took my first shot. I immediately gagged and ran to the bathroom to vomit.

I haven't been able to do shots since. Even now, I'll puke if I have to do one. It's almost as if my liver was like, "Yo a**hole, you think you're going to make me process this s***? Watch this!"

I feel it's important to mention my body's aversion to shots because I want to complain about Penn State's new prohibition tactics. In an effort to cut down on underage drinking, Penn State has decided to stop making shot glasses with its logo.

What a cunning strategy. Freshmen and sophomores at Penn State are sure to stop drinking now.

What the hell is the thinking behind this? I can only imagine what Penn State president Graham "Cocker" Spanier - one of the ugliest human beings alive (click the link) - and his cronies were talking about at the meeting:

Graham Cocker Spanier: Gentlemen, we need to do something about underage drinking on campus. These damn kids are going to ruin my fabulous gray toupee!

Spanier Stooge No. 1: Agreed, boss, agreed. This is getting out of control. Why would college students want to drink anyway? They are here to learn!

Spanier Stooge No. 2: I have an idea. Why don't we stop making Penn State shot glasses? This will obviously deter underage kids from drinking!

Spanier: Fabulous idea.

Common Sense Guy: What? You think not having any Penn State shot glasses is going to keep kids from drinking? Are you serious?

Spanier Stooge No. 2: Obviously. Kids won't want to drink from non-Penn State shot glasses. With only regular shot glasses at their disposal, I project a 90-percent decrease in drinking among the underage populace on campus.

Spanier: A 90-percent decrease!? My fabulous gray toupee will finally be safe!

Spanier Stooge No. 1: Excellent, boss, excellent. Does that mean you won't require 24-hour security surveillance on your toupee?

Spanier: Of course not, fool! He said a 90-percent decrease; not 100.

Spanier Stooge No. 1: Agreed, boss, agreed.

Common Sense Guy: You've gotta be kidding me. College kids are still going to take shots and drink beer. It's what they do. A lack of Penn State shot glasses isn't going to stop underage drinking. It's only going to cost the school money.

Spanier: How dare you challenge me!? Seize him, my fabulous gray toupee!

Spanier's Gray Toupee: RAAAWWWRRRRR!!!!

I'm not sure what happened afterward, but I'm sure the stooges spent some time cleaning up Common Sense Guy's blood after Spanier's toupee feasted on his remains.






JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Graham Cocker Spanier

I started this Jerks of the Week section a year and a half ago, but I've been ranting about random stuff for a very long time.

Back when I was a junior in college, I began writing really long away messages that I called "Idiots on my Floor." I used to make fun of the people in my dorm, which turned into rants about my professors and weirdos that I spotted on campus. I have thousands of these away messages saved on my computer, and I eventually plan on compiling them into a book called Jerks of my College Years (working title).

One of the people I often bashed was Graham Cocker Spanier. I disliked him because he seldom canceled classes due to heavy snowfall, and refused to give us off for Presidents' Day, Columbus Day, Martin Luther King Day, etc. I also read somewhere - I don't know if this is true or not - that during a protest by the black student body, Spanier hid under the desk in his office.

Here are five of the Anti-Spanier Idiots on my Floor Away Messages (I have many more that will be in the book):


1. Presidents' Day Rant:

This is one of the first rants I had about Spanier. As you can see, I was frustrated that we didn't have off:

***

A few people asked me why I didn't do a rant about not having Presidents' Day off yesterday. The reason why is because I forgot it was Presidents' Day. We don't celebrate it here at Penn State, so it's like it doesn't exist. Well, according to Cocker Spanier, it does exist. We just celebrate with a "Day On;" not a day off. What a bastard.

George Washington, Abe Lincoln and George Bush must be rolling in their graves. I guess what they did wasn't important. The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the freeing the slaves, the sex scandal with Monica "I'm ugly and fat" Lewinsky and George Bush going to camp Anawanna all the time (we hold him in our hearts) means nothing to Spanier. Spanier is a traitor to this country.

***


2. Spanier's Speech:

Spanier had a speech scheduled on this day. Instead of listening to what he had to say, I opted to write a new speech for him:

***

Hi, I'm Graham Cocker Spanier. I want to thank all you a**-kissers who came to hear me talk about nothing. I can't talk about anything because my personality is as fake as the toupee on my head.

Oh, but I plan to raise tuition again. I need another ugly fountain across from Osmond Lab. That one isn't ugly enough and it didn't take enough of your money to build. I will also be raising parking prices while making sure that if it snows, the lots don't get clean.

Speaking of snow, i will not cancel school because I don't want to lose money. What do I care if the students slip on ice? If it's money for me, I like it. I've also ordered more construction for things we don't need like parking decks and new buildings. You'll all be gone by the time it's done anyway. HA! I get your money and I will build yet another pool in my mansion with it!

Oh, and lastly, I'll also hire more teachers and advisors who smell like rotten cabbage and can't speak English. We clearly don't have enough of those.

***


3. Columbus Day Rant:

Here, I encouraged everyone to take off from school for Columbus Day. I skipped classes for it, so hopefully I convinced at least one of my friends to do the same.

By the way, Trash Lady is a professor I had in one of my journalism classes. I called her Trash Lady because she was an artsy-fartsy liberal idiot who said stuff like: "I don't drink Coke or Pepsi because America produces 40 percent of the Earth's trash, while China and India only produce 5 percent."

Ugh. I want to gag, and I didn't even do a shot.

***

Graham Cocker Spanier has gone too far. We don't have Columbus Day off anymore! Well, guess what? I do! I am taking yet another day off for the following reasons:

1) Christopher Columbus is my hero.

2) Today is WORLD FOOD DAY! I read this while I was pooping in the bathroom. I don't know why it's today but I'm happy because I get to eat extra food. I will be doing my part for World Food Day by eating as much as possible. People, this is a very important day! We must eat a lot of food.

3) I am celebrating my latest test grade. I got a 72 on Trash Lady's quiz! I didn't even buy the book for that class. Go me.

EVERYONE: Don't be lame by going to class. We must celebrate Columbus Day, World Food Day and my awesome test score!

***


4. Snow Day Rant:

As mentioned, Spanier seldom canceled classes for snow. I'd usually skip classes if it snowed, but I had to take a test one day when it was really bad. I'll never forget how many people I saw slipping and falling on the ice because our a**hole president didn't cancel school.

***

It snowed again, and guess what? Graham Cocker Spanier didn't cancel class. He must have some motive for not canceling classes. I wonder what it could be...

1) His ugly gray toupee is really evil and tells him to keep Penn State open.

2) Spanier is really the Abominable Snowman and quietly eats freshman in East.

3) He cares about our education (LOL - just kidding).

4) Our dean is actually Spanier's evil twin who locked the real Spanier in a dungeon.

5) Spanier hates us because we are a threat to his evil gray toupee.

6) Spanier is an alien sent here to experiment on college students to see if they would revolt under a tyrant dean.

I say we revolt! Who's with me!?

***

Apparently no one, because Spanier's still making dumb rules like banning Penn State shot glasses.


5. Drunken Rant:

A section of Jerks of my College Years will contain dozens of drunken rants I wrote after doing 6-10 shots, buying more drinks at the bar and somehow making it home. Here's one of them that mentions Spanier:

***

DRUNKFG AWAY MEASSAGE @2: YEAH EYAH YEAH WELL I'M NOT DRINK ERIGHT NOW BUT I HAD ABOUT 8-10 DRINKDS TONGITH SO I CANT TYPE WELL.

I WAS ATR THIS BAR CALLED THE BIG EASY. IT SUCKED A**MOLES. DONT EVER GO THERE. I WAS IN THE BATHROOM AND IN WA STALL. THERE WAS SOME1 NEXT TO ME PEEIN IN MY STALL. I CAN UNDERSTAND IF U MISS THE INSIDE OF THE TOULET OR MAYBE EVEN THE TOIOET ITSELF IF UR DRUNK. BUT HOW CAN U MISS THE ENTIRE STALL? THT'S LIKE THROWING GRAHAM COCKER SPANIER'S EVIL TOUPEE AT THE GROUND AND MISSING.

2NDLY, THEY CLOSED THE BAR AT 1:30. WHO DOES THAT? BARS CLOSE AT 2! 3RDLY, THERE WAS A 12 YR OLD GIRL DANCIN ON THE STAGE. SHE SAID SHE WAS 24 WHEN A BUDDY OF MINE ASKED HER BUT SHE HAD AFACE OF A 12.

4THLY, THEY FRISKED ME ON THE WAY IN. WHO DOES THAT> THIS IS NOT AN AROTRPORT! 5THLY, JACK AND COKE COST $4.50! AT SHARKIES IT'S $2.50!

***

You know, I wouldn't be surprised at all if I'm the real reason they're not making Penn State shot glasses anymore.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Drunken Quotes

I found out about Penn State's futile quest for prohibition at my New Year's party when my cousin Megan gave me the horrible news. Fortunately, I somehow remembered it despite being pretty drunk.

As you can imagine, I say some pretty stupid, non-PC stuff when I'm intoxicated. Here are a few memorable quotes from New Year's Eve:

Me: Oh man, I'm in love with her.

Melissa: Why? Why do you love her?

Me: Umm... I'm not sure. She has nice legs.

As you can tell, I'm really picky about which women I fall in love with. Forget silly things like personality and intelligence. If you have nice legs, you're my kind of girl.

Melissa: You should go after someone closer to your own age.

Me: Why?

Melissa: What are you going to talk about with a girl several years younger than you?

Me: I don't know? What would I talk about with a girl my age?

Melissa: You can talk about stuff you have in common.

Me: There are only three things I can talk about with anyone: football, TV shows and lower taxes.

It's true. You guys think I have so much to say because I write tens of thousands of words each week on this Web site. But all I'm really doing is talking about football and TV shows, and making fun of the fat women at my gym. I'm really pretty simple.

Me: I'm an idiot. I don't know anything.

I don't know why I said this, but I do remember saying it and hearing everyone laugh at me. Fine, if you all want to laugh at my stupidity, go ahead! Hrmph!

Me: Playing Wii is better than watching a movie - because you can play strip Wii. You can't play strip movie.

This is dedicated to my friend Andrew, who ditched my party to play Wii with a bunch of friends. Guy friends. So, if they played strip Wii, well, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Me: The window was open! And now it's closed! I missed the opening!

Schmidty: Dude, what the hell are you talking about?

Me: I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

People told me the next day that I wouldn't shut up about some sort of window. Hey, it's New Year's and I had a lot to drink. Cut me a break.

Me: What the hell, there are two girls passed out on my bed.

Steve: So? What's the problem?

Me: Umm... oh yeah, I guess this is a good thing.

Well, not so good. Three things to keep in mind:

1) I'm not Ben Roethlisberger, so I don't take advantage of helpless chicks.

2) One of the girls had a boyfriend.

3) I was pretty drunk, so I probably would have puked mid-sex anyway; regardless of whether I had a shot or not.




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Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
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Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
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Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
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Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
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Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
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Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
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Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Oct. 24


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 22


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


NFL Free Agents





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