*** Note: I wrote this before the Arizona shooting. I'll have something on that next week. ***
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Penn State Prohibition
I'd like to preface this Jerks of the Week entry by saying that I hate shots. I just can't do them. But I'm not some sissy man - I have a reasonable explanation. I swear.
Back in my Penn State days, I used to go out four nights a week. Being a poor college student, I'd do shots of cheap rum (Bacardi, Captain Morgan, etc.) before going out so I wouldn't spend my life savings (about 40 bucks) at the bar. It was a great plan; by doing 6-10 shots (either with friends or by myself while I harassed people on AIM), I'd usually spend less than $20 at the bar, giving me enough cash left over to buy pizza afterward NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Everything changed on one spring evening in my sixth year at Penn State (you can see why it took me six years to graduate). I was supposed to meet these girls at a bar named Pickle's. I opened up a new bottle of Bacardi Razz - not that there's anything wrong with that - and took my first shot. I immediately gagged and ran to the bathroom to vomit.
I haven't been able to do shots since. Even now, I'll puke if I have to do one. It's almost as if my liver was like, "Yo a**hole, you think you're going to make me process this s***? Watch this!"
I feel it's important to mention my body's aversion to shots because I want to complain about Penn State's new prohibition tactics. In an effort to cut down on underage drinking, Penn State has decided to stop making shot glasses with its logo.
What a cunning strategy. Freshmen and sophomores at Penn State are sure to stop drinking now.
What the hell is the thinking behind this? I can only imagine what Penn State president Graham "Cocker" Spanier - one of the ugliest human beings alive (click the link) - and his cronies were talking about at the meeting:
Graham Cocker Spanier: Gentlemen, we need to do something about underage drinking on campus. These damn kids are going to ruin my fabulous gray toupee!
Spanier Stooge No. 1: Agreed, boss, agreed. This is getting out of control. Why would college students want to drink anyway? They are here to learn!
Spanier Stooge No. 2: I have an idea. Why don't we stop making Penn State shot glasses? This will obviously deter underage kids from drinking!
Spanier: Fabulous idea.
Common Sense Guy: What? You think not having any Penn State shot glasses is going to keep kids from drinking? Are you serious?
Spanier Stooge No. 2: Obviously. Kids won't want to drink from non-Penn State shot glasses. With only regular shot glasses at their disposal, I project a 90-percent decrease in drinking among the underage populace on campus.
Spanier: A 90-percent decrease!? My fabulous gray toupee will finally be safe!
Spanier Stooge No. 1: Excellent, boss, excellent. Does that mean you won't require 24-hour security surveillance on your toupee?
Spanier: Of course not, fool! He said a 90-percent decrease; not 100.
Spanier Stooge No. 1: Agreed, boss, agreed.
Common Sense Guy: You've gotta be kidding me. College kids are still going to take shots and drink beer. It's what they do. A lack of Penn State shot glasses isn't going to stop underage drinking. It's only going to cost the school money.
Spanier: How dare you challenge me!? Seize him, my fabulous gray toupee!
Spanier's Gray Toupee: RAAAWWWRRRRR!!!!
I'm not sure what happened afterward, but I'm sure the stooges spent some time cleaning up Common Sense Guy's blood after Spanier's toupee feasted on his remains.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Graham Cocker Spanier
I started this Jerks of the Week section a year and a half ago, but I've been ranting about random stuff for a very long time.
Back when I was a junior in college, I began writing really long away messages that I called "Idiots on my Floor." I used to make fun of the people in my dorm, which turned into rants about my professors and weirdos that I spotted on campus. I have thousands of these away messages saved on my computer, and I eventually plan on compiling them into a book called Jerks of my College Years (working title).
One of the people I often bashed was Graham Cocker Spanier. I disliked him because he seldom canceled classes due to heavy snowfall, and refused to give us off for Presidents' Day, Columbus Day, Martin Luther King Day, etc. I also read somewhere - I don't know if this is true or not - that during a protest by the black student body, Spanier hid under the desk in his office.
Here are five of the Anti-Spanier Idiots on my Floor Away Messages (I have many more that will be in the book):
1. Presidents' Day Rant:
This is one of the first rants I had about Spanier. As you can see, I was frustrated that we didn't have off:
A few people asked me why I didn't do a rant about not having Presidents' Day off yesterday. The reason why is because I forgot it was Presidents' Day. We don't celebrate it here at Penn State, so it's like it doesn't exist. Well, according to Cocker Spanier, it does exist. We just celebrate with a "Day On;" not a day off. What a bastard.
George Washington, Abe Lincoln and George Bush must be rolling in their graves. I guess what they did wasn't important. The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the freeing the slaves, the sex scandal with Monica "I'm ugly and fat" Lewinsky and George Bush going to camp Anawanna all the time (we hold him in our hearts) means nothing to Spanier. Spanier is a traitor to this country.
2. Spanier's Speech:
Spanier had a speech scheduled on this day. Instead of listening to what he had to say, I opted to write a new speech for him:
Hi, I'm Graham Cocker Spanier. I want to thank all you a**-kissers who came to hear me talk about nothing. I can't talk about anything because my personality is as fake as the toupee on my head.
Oh, but I plan to raise tuition again. I need another ugly fountain across from Osmond Lab. That one isn't ugly enough and it didn't take enough of your money to build. I will also be raising parking prices while making sure that if it snows, the lots don't get clean.
Speaking of snow, i will not cancel school because I don't want to lose money. What do I care if the students slip on ice? If it's money for me, I like it. I've also ordered more construction for things we don't need like parking decks and new buildings. You'll all be gone by the time it's done anyway. HA! I get your money and I will build yet another pool in my mansion with it!
Oh, and lastly, I'll also hire more teachers and advisors who smell like rotten cabbage and can't speak English. We clearly don't have enough of those.
3. Columbus Day Rant:
Here, I encouraged everyone to take off from school for Columbus Day. I skipped classes for it, so hopefully I convinced at least one of my friends to do the same.
By the way, Trash Lady is a professor I had in one of my journalism classes. I called her Trash Lady because she was an artsy-fartsy liberal idiot who said stuff like: "I don't drink Coke or Pepsi because America produces 40 percent of the Earth's trash, while China and India only produce 5 percent."
Ugh. I want to gag, and I didn't even do a shot.
Graham Cocker Spanier has gone too far. We don't have Columbus Day off anymore! Well, guess what? I do! I am taking yet another day off for the following reasons:
1) Christopher Columbus is my hero.
2) Today is WORLD FOOD DAY! I read this while I was pooping in the bathroom. I don't know why it's today but I'm happy because I get to eat extra food. I will be doing my part for World Food Day by eating as much as possible. People, this is a very important day! We must eat a lot of food.
3) I am celebrating my latest test grade. I got a 72 on Trash Lady's quiz! I didn't even buy the book for that class. Go me.
EVERYONE: Don't be lame by going to class. We must celebrate Columbus Day, World Food Day and my awesome test score!
4. Snow Day Rant:
As mentioned, Spanier seldom canceled classes for snow. I'd usually skip classes if it snowed, but I had to take a test one day when it was really bad. I'll never forget how many people I saw slipping and falling on the ice because our a**hole president didn't cancel school.
It snowed again, and guess what? Graham Cocker Spanier didn't cancel class. He must have some motive for not canceling classes. I wonder what it could be...
1) His ugly gray toupee is really evil and tells him to keep Penn State open.
2) Spanier is really the Abominable Snowman and quietly eats freshman in East.
3) He cares about our education (LOL - just kidding).
4) Our dean is actually Spanier's evil twin who locked the real Spanier in a dungeon.
5) Spanier hates us because we are a threat to his evil gray toupee.
6) Spanier is an alien sent here to experiment on college students to see if they would revolt under a tyrant dean.
I say we revolt! Who's with me!?
Apparently no one, because Spanier's still making dumb rules like banning Penn State shot glasses.
5. Drunken Rant:
A section of Jerks of my College Years will contain dozens of drunken rants I wrote after doing 6-10 shots, buying more drinks at the bar and somehow making it home. Here's one of them that mentions Spanier:
DRUNKFG AWAY MEASSAGE @2: YEAH EYAH YEAH WELL I'M NOT DRINK ERIGHT NOW BUT I HAD ABOUT 8-10 DRINKDS TONGITH SO I CANT TYPE WELL.
I WAS ATR THIS BAR CALLED THE BIG EASY. IT SUCKED A**MOLES. DONT EVER GO THERE. I WAS IN THE BATHROOM AND IN WA STALL. THERE WAS SOME1 NEXT TO ME PEEIN IN MY STALL. I CAN UNDERSTAND IF U MISS THE INSIDE OF THE TOULET OR MAYBE EVEN THE TOIOET ITSELF IF UR DRUNK. BUT HOW CAN U MISS THE ENTIRE STALL? THT'S LIKE THROWING GRAHAM COCKER SPANIER'S EVIL TOUPEE AT THE GROUND AND MISSING.
2NDLY, THEY CLOSED THE BAR AT 1:30. WHO DOES THAT? BARS CLOSE AT 2! 3RDLY, THERE WAS A 12 YR OLD GIRL DANCIN ON THE STAGE. SHE SAID SHE WAS 24 WHEN A BUDDY OF MINE ASKED HER BUT SHE HAD AFACE OF A 12.
4THLY, THEY FRISKED ME ON THE WAY IN. WHO DOES THAT> THIS IS NOT AN AROTRPORT! 5THLY, JACK AND COKE COST $4.50! AT SHARKIES IT'S $2.50!
You know, I wouldn't be surprised at all if I'm the real reason they're not making Penn State shot glasses anymore.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Drunken Quotes
I found out about Penn State's futile quest for prohibition at my New Year's party when my cousin Megan gave me the horrible news. Fortunately, I somehow remembered it despite being pretty drunk.
As you can imagine, I say some pretty stupid, non-PC stuff when I'm intoxicated. Here are a few memorable quotes from New Year's Eve:
Me: Oh man, I'm in love with her.
Melissa: Why? Why do you love her?
Me: Umm... I'm not sure. She has nice legs.
As you can tell, I'm really picky about which women I fall in love with. Forget silly things like personality and intelligence. If you have nice legs, you're my kind of girl.
Melissa: You should go after someone closer to your own age.
Melissa: What are you going to talk about with a girl several years younger than you?
Me: I don't know? What would I talk about with a girl my age?
Melissa: You can talk about stuff you have in common.
Me: There are only three things I can talk about with anyone: football, TV shows and lower taxes.
It's true. You guys think I have so much to say because I write tens of thousands of words each week on this Web site. But all I'm really doing is talking about football and TV shows, and making fun of the fat women at my gym. I'm really pretty simple.
Me: I'm an idiot. I don't know anything.
I don't know why I said this, but I do remember saying it and hearing everyone laugh at me. Fine, if you all want to laugh at my stupidity, go ahead! Hrmph!
Me: Playing Wii is better than watching a movie - because you can play strip Wii. You can't play strip movie.
This is dedicated to my friend Andrew, who ditched my party to play Wii with a bunch of friends. Guy friends. So, if they played strip Wii, well, not that there's anything wrong with that.
Me: The window was open! And now it's closed! I missed the opening!
Schmidty: Dude, what the hell are you talking about?
Me: I don't know. I just don't know anymore.
People told me the next day that I wouldn't shut up about some sort of window. Hey, it's New Year's and I had a lot to drink. Cut me a break.
Me: What the hell, there are two girls passed out on my bed.
Steve: So? What's the problem?
Me: Umm... oh yeah, I guess this is a good thing.
Well, not so good. Three things to keep in mind:
1) I'm not Ben Roethlisberger, so I don't take advantage of helpless chicks.
2) One of the girls had a boyfriend.
3) I was pretty drunk, so I probably would have puked mid-sex anyway; regardless of whether I had a shot or not.
If the Bills QB is Mike Glennon, I'm driving right down to the Niagara River and jump off the Peace Bridge. And if Bills GM Doug Whaley does not keep Tyrod Taylor, I will drive Whaley down there and push him off the Peace Bridge. That's what us mafia people do if you do something stupid.