Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013





Jerks of the Week for June 10, 2013


JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day

I hope all of you donned your finest red garb and drank heavily on June 1 because that was St. Stalin's Day - the Russian version of St. Patrick's Day.

The plan for me and my group of friends was to meet at my house around 3 for some pre-gaming. We would then go to a bar called Chow for food and drinks at 6ish, then to another bar, Sweeney's, around 9, and then finally back to my house at midnight, or whenever Sweeney's started to bore us. We mostly followed through on those plans, which resulted me in getting completely bombed. Here's proof:



I was playing Kings on my basement floor at that point, but more on that later. What I need to address first is the genesis of St. Stalin's Day for those of you who have sand in your vag and are thinking, "OMG YOUR LIEK AN ASHOLL I CANT BEELEVE YOURE LIEK WARSHIPPING A GUY WHO LIEK KILLED LIKE SO MANY PPL!!!" First of all, chill, douche bags. Second, I have a couple of reasons why I'm drinking in Joseph Stalin's honor while giving him sainthood:

1. It all started on St. Patrick's Day in 2012. I tend to get philosophical when I drink. While downing my eighth-or-so alcoholic beverage that night, I wondered why people make a drinking holiday out of St. Patrick's Day. Do people even know who St. Patrick was? I had the following conversation with a friend (not sure who it was):

Me: Do you know who St. Patrick was?

Friend: No, why?

Me: No one knows who he is. Why do people drink in his honor if they don't know who he was or what he did in his life?

Friend: I dunno, because it's fun?

Me: But what if he was a mass murderer or a child molester, or even worse, a PETA protestor?

Friend: I don't think he did all of that.

Me: But do you know that for sure? Like, how do you know he wasn't bad?

Friend: Hmm... that's a good question.

No, anonymous friend. It's not a good question; it's a great question. If we can drink to one potential killer or animal-rights activist, why can't we drink to multiple killers?

2. From this revelation and the conversation with my friend, I theorized that people will drink to anything. If everyone will carouse about because of some enigmatic Irish saint, why wouldn't they do the same for a Russian dictator?

3. I don't think it's fair that Stalin is vilified so much. Doing so ignores all the good things he did in his life. For example, I'm sure he helped an old lady cross the street one time. See? He's not all bad. It's like calling Joe Paterno evil. Yes, JoePa made one mistake, but that doesn't mean he was terrible. It's the same with Stalin. Sure, he made a small error in judgment by killing so many people, but that shouldn't make him a completely bad guy.

4. If the Irish can have their own drinking day, why can't the Russians? Why can't every nationality? To all of my Italian readers, if you organize a St. Mussolini's Day, I will drink to that.

5. Promoting "St. Stalin" exposes stupidity. I tend to get three reactions about "St. Stalin." The first is people who get that it's a joke and laugh at it (or me for being stupidly silly). The second says, "Umm... I don't think Stalin was a saint." Umm... no s***. The third is complete ignorance. It's amazing how many individuals have never heard of Stalin. They look at my shirt and ask what it means. I explain it to them, but they just have blank, oblivious stares on their faces.

6. St. Stalin's Day is fun and provides me with good writing material. I chronicled last year's St. Stalin's Day, which was a great time. I have some amusing stories to tell about the 2013 version as well.


1. Jerks at Chow

There were 12 people pre-gaming at my house, so we took three separate cars to Chow, which is right around the corner from my house. Unfortunately, some construction a**holes closed the intersection on the way to Chow, so we had to go in a different direction.

My cousin Lev was driving me - I already had five drinks in the span of about three hours, so I was not getting behind the wheel and risking a DUI (running over someone is only a secondary issue) - and I was telling him where to go. When I agreed to get into the car with him, I did not know that he was the worst driver of all time. I told him to make a left at a busy intersection. A stream of cars was coming the other way, but that was eventually held up by the light behind us. A woman in a blue minivan motioned for Lev to turn because she wasn't going anywhere anyway, but he didn't budge. We discussed this later.

Me: She was telling you to turn, man.

Lev: No, I don't know if she was.

Me: She was motioning her arm!

Lev: I didn't know if she was saying hi to someone or not.

The woman eventually quit and moved into the intersection, blocking everyone. Lev eventually made his left, but the car behind us got stuck in the middle when the light turned red, creating a huge traffic jam. Everyone yelled at Lev afterward, but he thought he drove perfectly.

At any rate, we sat down and ordered. Man-Eaters, sitting to the right of me, ordered calamari. I told her about the one time Body Burner tricked me into thinking calamari was fried chicken. She looked at me like I was an idiot. I, however, had the last laugh because when I told the waitress that I wanted a bacon cheeseburger with fries, a bottle of Crispin (a hard cider that my friend the Reverend recommended) and a Seven and Seven, she nodded her head approvingly. Yes, I was getting a true man meal; not some horrible fried chicken facsimile.

As I was waiting for my food - which took forever, by the way - I flipped open my phone to text/annoy the beautiful Awesome Girl Who Loves Football about everything that had happened thus far. The girl Lev brought was astonished by my phone.

For those of you who do not know, I don't have a normal, fancy-shmancy smart phone. My phone is five years old. It's the Samsung Juke. I used to defend the phone, but now I just straight-up lie about it.

Girl with Lev: Whoa, what kind of a phone is that?

Me: It's a spy phone.

Girl with Lev: A spy phone?

Me: Yes, I'm a spy. I can't tell you what I do for the government, but they make me use this phone.

Girl with Lev: Really? What does this phone do?

Me: I can't really tell you everything. What I can say is that it has a self-destruct feature.

Girl with Lev: Wow!

Me: It's necessary in case I get captured.

Girl with Lev: So, this technology on this spy phone... is any of it available for purchase?

Me: No, you'd have to build a time machine and go into the future to the year 2017 to get it. They already have time machi... wait, I've said enough.

Girl with Lev was completely in awe. I hope Lev was able to put this to good use later by saying something like, "You know, I'm the one who actually trained my cousin to be a spy. That's top-secret government information. But trust me, you'll be safe from the terrorists with me." You're welcome, Lev.

Our food finally arrived when Man-Eaters alerted me about a bet that was going on. I have a friend I've dubbed Angry Asian Guy, who was sitting to the left of me. Angry Asian Guy is a 5-foot-1, chain-smoking Filipino who always wears fedora hats and has a quick temper. I most recently mentioned him when he stole my breakfast in the Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football entry - which was one of the best weekends of my life.

Anyway, Angry Asian Guy recently got engaged, so he spent the entire afternoon bragging about his fiancee. Man-Eaters bet Injured Reserve and the Reverend that Angry Asian Guy would say the word "fiancee" more than 6.5 times. Injured Reserve and the Reverend took the under, but I sided with Man-Eaters. Game on.

I'll admit that Man-Eaters and I had the advantage because I was sitting right next to him. Here was the seating arrangement:

Lev - Girl with Lev - Injured Reserve - Hot Brunette Girl - others
************************TABLE***********************
Angry Asian Guy - Me - Man-Eaters - The Reverend - others

Still though, Man-Eaters needs to be commended on a masterful job of egging on Angry Asian Guy. For example, she would say something like, "So, your girlfriend, when will we get to meet her?" and he would automatically correct her by responding, "My fiancee? Oh, she'll meet you soon."

As for me, I had two roles. First, I would feign that I wasn't paying attention to what Angry Asian Guy was saying, pretending to stare at the TV or angrily glaring at Hot Brunette Girl for not wearing red*, or something. When Angry Asian Guy would stop talking, I would then say, "Wait, who were you talking about again?" This brought us two mentions of "fiancee," which I'm very proud of.

*Side note - Keep in mind that the law states that hot chicks don't have to follow any sort of dress code.

My second role was blocking Injured Reserve, who would try to force himself into a conversation with Angry Asian Guy by saying stuff like, "So, Angry Asian Guy, you're from New York, right? Tell me about all of the boroughs in New York you've ever been to, and rate them from best to worst." This was a great tactic on Injured Reserve's part to cease all talk of the fiancee, but I easily thwarted his efforts by looking at Lev and shouting, "Hey, Lev, I think Injured Reserve wanted to say something to you!" or "What were you two saying to each other again?" Lev would then try to get Injured Reserve's attention, allowing Man-Eaters to swoop in and ask Angry Asian Guy about his fiancee again.

Injured Reserve tried to overcome my awesome blocking methods by telling Lev to ask Angry Asian Guy the most random questions ever, but by then, it was too late. The "fiancee" mentions piled up, and with each one, I could see the pain on Injured Reserve's face. The final count was nine fiancees. Oh, and the cheeseburger and drinks were awesome. It didn't make up for Angry Asian Guy stealing my breakfast that one time, but it was a damn good meal.





2. Jerks at Sweeney's

There was no way I was driving with Lev again. I piled into my friend Nora's car with Man-Eaters and someone else (sorry, fourth person, I was too drunk to remember). The plan was to drive to my house, and then we could walk to Sweeney's. I told Nora to make a left out of Chow, but Man-Eaters told her to go right for some reason. We had an epic argument about this.

Me: It's so much faster if you go left.

Man-Eaters: The intersection is closed, remember?

Me: No, trust me, there's a shortcut back to my house.

Man-Eaters: I don't know about any shortcut!

Me: But I live here! This is my neighborhood!

Man-Eaters: Nora, go right, Walt doesn't know what he's talking about.

Me: Nora, go left. Trust me. I can get us home in 90 seconds.

Man-Eaters: It definitely didn't take us 90 seconds to get here. More like five minutes.

Me: But that's because the intersection was closed. Trust me, I guarantee we'll be back at my house in 90 seconds.

Man-Eaters: Nora, he doesn't know anything, just go right.

Me: No, go left!

Nora went right. Five minutes later - not 90 seconds - we were back at my house. Everyone was already there, looking like they were waiting for us to arrive for quite a while.

I yelled for us to go to Sweeney's, but no one was budging. Cries of "let's stay here!" and "I don't want to pay for drinks!" and "Sweeney's sucks!" rang out. Even my cousin Polina guilted me into saying that she was going to go home if we went to Sweeney's.

Sweeney's sucks - it's a biker bar where most of the people are fat a**holes in their 30s and 40s - but I wanted to go somewhere within walking distance so that we could stay out to show off our awesome St. Stalin's Day shirts. However, a phone call from Body Burner, who told us that he'd be meeting us there, changed everything.

Body Burner: Where are you guys?

Me: We're standing in front of my house. Most people don't want to go to Sweeney's.

Body Burner: Thank God. They're charging a $5 cover to get in!

I was completely taken aback. Five bucks to get into a crappy biker bar? That sounds awesome. My only question was how were these scummy bikers were paying for the cover charge and the alcohol in one night. I can't imagine that being a weird, bearded biker is all that lucrative.

I told everyone that Sweeney's was charging $5 to get in, and there were more moans and groans. And thus, my dreams of confusing the Sweeney's bikers about who Joseph Stalin was came to a swift end.







3. Jerks at My House

We played several drinking games at my house. The first was some sort of dirty version of Apples to Apples that Nora brought over. The second was four-team beer pong. The third was Kings. I was pretty hammered by the time it was all over (recall the picture above). There's some stuff I don't recall from that night, but something I do remember is what Body Burner told me as beer pong was finishing up.

Body Burner: Can you believe that two of the girls are drinking milk?

Me: WHAT!?!?!

Body Burner: They asked for rum, but you ran out, so they got milk out of the fridge instead.

Me: HOW COULD THEY BE DRINKING MY MILK OUT OF THE CARTON, WHAT THE F***!?!?!

Body Burner: Out of the carton? They're not...

Me: THIS IS BULLS*** NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO TO BOTTOM DOLLAR IN THE MORNING TO GET MORE MILK SO I CAN EAT COCOA PUFFS, WHAT THE F***!!!

Body Burner: Calm down, they're not drinking out of the carton.

Me: Oh... OK.

Injured Reserve later told me that he had never seen me so mad. I'm usually super stoic, but the thought that people raided my fridge and commandeered my milk really pissed me off because I really wanted Cocoa Puffs the following morning. You can't imagine my relief when I realized that they were not chugging milk out of the carton.

After I calmed down, we played Kings, as mentioned earlier. Four things about Kings:

1. I spilled my drink four times on my carpet. I was a disaster. I'd like to thank Man-Eaters and Body Burner for repeatedly cleaning up for me.

2. Drawing a jack in Kings is "Never Have I Ever." As my friends know, nothing confuses me more than this game. I'm always unclear on when to put down my finger. The dialogue is always the same, without fail:

Random Girl: Never have I ever had a penis.

Me: So wait, I have had a penis, so what do I do?

Explainer: You have, so put a finger down.

Me: But the girl said "never," so wouldn't I put my finger down if I didn't have a penis?

Explainer: What? No? If you did it put your finger down.

Me: But she said it in past tense too, so I think she's implying that people who don't have a penis now but had one before should put their finger down.

Ugh. I'll never understand this game.

3. Drawing a queen is "questions." People often trip up on this, but I'm proud to say that I never have because no matter what someone says to me, I respond with the most irrelevant, nonsensical questions ever. Some examples:

  • What is the distance from Westeros to Essos?

  • Why is the sun green?

  • What were you doing on Friday, May 32?

  • Can you please name the eight oceans on this planet?

  • Why does the word "night" have the letter "G" in it?

  • Why are my ears bleeding right now?

    4. Drawing a king allows you to make up a rule. I made the grave mistake of saying that we had to drink every time Angry Asian Guy cursed (he was playing some old Nintendo games on my Wii). Every time he died, which was often, he would shout, "F***ing piece of s*** a**hole, killing me like that, what the f*** is f***ing wrong with this f***Ing game!"

    And now you can see why I was so drunk in the picture above. In hindsight, I should have said to drink at the mention of the word "fiancee." This happened twice more, including, "My fiancee doesn't want me to be super buff. I wish she wanted me to be as buff as an Olympic gymnast."

    Oh, and to Angry Asian Guy, if you're reading this, that's why I asked you if you ever check out Jerks of the Week. You said "not for a while," so I assumed it'd be safe to write about you without you knowing. But if you do know, two things:

    1. We still love you. We were just messing around at the restaurant for some drunken fun.

    2. This was retribution for stealing my breakfast on Saturday, Oct. 13, 2012. Never steal my precious breakfast ever again.




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    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
    Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
    Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
    Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
    Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
    Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
    Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
    Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
    Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
    Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
    Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
    Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
    Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
    Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
    Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
    Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
    Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
    Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
    Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
    Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
    Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
    Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
    Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
    Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
    Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
    Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
    Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
    Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
    Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
    Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
    Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
    Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
    Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
    Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
    Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
    Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
    Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
    Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
    Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
    Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
    Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
    Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
    Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
    Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
    Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
    Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
    Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
    Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
    Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
    Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
    Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
    Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
    Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
    Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
    Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
    Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
    Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
    Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
    Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
    Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
    Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
    Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
    Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
    Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
    Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
    Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
    Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
    Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
    Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
    Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
    Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
    Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
    Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
    Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
    Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Nov. 25


    2019 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 25


    NFL Power Rankings - Nov. 21


    2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 23


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


    2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23



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