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Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011




Jerks of the Week for March 14, 2011


JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Las Margaritas Host

I'm very particular about where I eat. I hate fancy-shmancy downtown restaurants. In fact, I believe that the cheaper the place, the better the food is. I'd rather pay $10 for a meal at a burger joint or a diner rather than get a dinner for free at Chez Pierre, or some other heterosexually challenged restaurant. Not that there's anything wrong with heterosexually challenged restaurants.

Las Margaritas isn't fancy-shmancy or heterosexually challenged. It's some Mexican restaurant (located off the Boulevard in Northeast Philly) where you can get all sorts of food. However, I once got really sick after eating there five years ago, so I avoided that place ever since. That is, until a couple of Fridays ago. My friend Audrey wanted to have her birthday there, so I had no choice.

The food was all right. The cheese quesadilla was awesome, but the tacos were inferior to those at Taco Bell. There were also super hot chicks everywhere. What ruined the experience, however, was the awful service.

We made a reservation for 8:30. We walked in and told the host that we had arrived. Twenty minutes later, we were still standing around and waiting for a table. Finally, my friend Adrienne decided to approach the front desk again. Instead of the guy we saw when we first came in, there was an unbelievably hot hostess. She had a great rack, an unbelievable a** and a cute face. Oh man. Wait, what was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, Adrienne asked Hot Hostess what happened to our table.

Adrienne: Hi, we've been here for 20 minutes even though we had a reservation for 8:30.

Hot Hostess: Really? Did you tell us that your entire party is here?

Adrienne: Yeah, we told the guy when we first walked in.

Hot Hostess: Oh. He's bad with reservations.

We were seated within minutes, but that's beside the point. What the hell does "he's bad with reservations" mean? How can you be bad with reservations? All you have to do is take down the name, save a table, and seat the patrons as they walk in. It's not rocket science or anything.

So, what does Las Margaritas Host do with these reservations? Here's a scenario I came up with:

Hot Hostess walks by the men's bathroom and hears Las Margaritas Host crying in agony. Thinking he's in need of medical assistance, she bursts in to help him. Now inside the bathroom, she notices that Las Margaritas Host is in a stall.

Las Margaritas Host: OH GOD!!! AHHHHH!!!!

Hot Hostess: Are you in OK in there? Should I call an ambulance?

Las Margaritas Host: No... no... no... I'm fine.

Hot Hostess: Are you sure? You sound like you're in pain?

Las Margaritas Host: I am in pain... I'm trying to shove this reservation up my anus.

Hot Hostess: Wait... what? Why are you doing that?

Las Margaritas Host: These people called the restaurant for a reservation. I wrote it down, but I don't know what to do with it.

Hot Hostess shakes her head, mutters "idiot" under her breath and walks back to the front table. A half hour later, she walks back to the kitchen and sees that Las Margaritas Host hanged himself. She finds his suicide note:

Hot Hostess,

I tried shoving this reservation up my anus. That didn't work. I then bashed my head against the wall until I suffered a concussion. That didn't work either. Now, I'm ending it all. I'm hoping that once I enter my afterlife, I'll be able to finally understand what to do with this reservation. Was I supposed to urinate on it and then eat the paper? Was I supposed to go diarrhea in the food? It saddens me that I was never able to understand what to do, but I am confident that God will show me the way.

By the way, you have a great a** and a nice rack. Maybe when you pass on, we can go out and grab dinner, or something.


If that happens, let's just hope that Hot Hostess is the one making the reservation.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Movie Theater Soda

I seldom go to the movies. I'd like to go more often, but I've only been to the movie theater twice in the past year for the following reasons:

1. There are way too loud, obnoxious prostitots and teenage douche bags making noise during the movie.

2. No one wants to go with me :-(

3. I don't feel like taking out a $20,000 loan to buy popcorn, candy and soda.

I've never understood why these items are so damn expensive at the movies. There's no reasonable explanation for it. For the money you spend on popcorn, candy and soda, you'd think that upon eating/drinking those things, you'd be able to have x-ray vision, poop gold coins and increase your "manhood" size by about nine inches. Of course, there'd be legal issues and medical complications if you couldn't get it down within four hours.

At any rate, the bank approved my loan application, so I was able to go to the Neshaminy Mall movie theater recently with my sister, my cousin and her fiance. I paid $10 for a ticket - goodbye, future kids' college fund - and then waited in line for a soda.

Three things I noticed as I was standing there:

1. Some long-haired fat weirdo with a neck beard in the other line was picking his nose and wiping the boogers on his sweatpants. Nice. But here's the thing - a minute later, this semi-hot chick walked out of the bathroom and stood next to him. She then grabbed his hand.

I was going to say something, but if she's in a relationship with this slob, she must love his booger fingers. Maybe that's what gets her turned on in the bedroom. To all fat, neck-bearded guys who pick your nose in public: Your dream girl could be out there. Don't think about quitting your nose-picking just yet.

2. The cute blond chick behind the counter, Jeanine, looked a lot like a girl I once dated in college.

3. I looked at Neshaminy's soda prices:

Small: $5.25
Medium: $5.75
Large: $6.25

Knowing how ridiculously large the cups were, I decided to buy a small soda. But then I realized that paying $5.25 would mean that I'd have three quarters rattling in my pocket, so I changed my mind and elected to get a medium.

Still, I was pretty pissed at the thought of paying $5.75 for a freaking soda, so I vented to Jeanine:

Jeanine: What can I get for you?

Me: Your phone number, giggidy giggidy. And I could give you some of my boogers because that seems to work with the ladies at this movie theater.

Just kidding. Here's the real conversation:

Jeanine: What can I get for you?

Me: I want a soda. I was going to get a small soda, but I don't want three coins in my pocket, so I'd like a medium Sprite.

Jeanine: Well, for just 50 cents more, you can get a large Sprite!

Me: But if I paid $6.25, I'd still have three coins in my pocket.

Jeanine: Oh, I didn't even think about that.

Me: Now you see my dilemma. You know, I'd rather have a small soda than a medium soda, but I don't want those three coins in my pocket.

Jeanine: I'm sorry.

Me: Wait, could I get a small soda for $5.75?

Jeanine: What? That makes no sense. Why would you do that?

Me: Ugh, I don't feel like carrying a big cup around.

She shook her head and poured the Sprite into my cup. I handed her $10, and put the $4.25 in my pocket.

Halfway through the movie, I was only a third of the way through my soda. I leaned over to take a sip when I heard a loud CLINK.

Yep, that was the quarter falling out of my pocket. I reached down to pick it up, but all I was able to feel was a sticky floor and some disgusting substance on it. I'm guessing it was that fat slob's boogers.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Inept Comcast Worker

I wanted to watch Path to the Draft on the NFL Network a couple of nights ago. I turned on the NFL Network HD channel at 6, but it wasn't working. The screen kept freezing, and the audio kept going in and out.

After checking the regular NFL Network channel - all I saw was a black screen - I called Comcast. It took me 15 minutes to get someone on the phone, thanks to all of Comcast's menu options. And no, Comcast, I don't habla espanol, whatever the hell that means. Please stop asking me to press nine for it.

The person I was finally able to talk to was a black lady. The conversation I had with her was unbelievably frustrating and nearly made my ears bleed:

Me: Hi, my NFL Network HD and regular NFL Network channels don't work.

Inept Comcast Worker: Are you getting a picture?

Me: Barely on the HD channel. It's all jumbled up. And all I get on the regular NFL Network channel is a black screen.

Inept Comcast Worker: Hold on one second.

I was on hold for about 420 seconds, actually (approximately seven minutes). Perhaps I wouldn't have waited as long if I would have been politically correct and called the black screen an "African American screen."

Inept Comcast Worker finally came back.

Inept Comcast Worker: I'm checkin' your package (that's what she said) and you're only supposed to have NFL Network HD, but not regular NFL Network.

Me: Huh? How does that make any sense?

Inept Comcast Worker: Hold on one second.

Why would I have the HD channel of NFL Network but not the regular one? Wouldn't it be the other way around?

Five minutes later, Inept Comcast Worker returned.

Inept Comcast Worker: I'm checkin' your package (that's what she said) and you have NHL TV... uhh... MLB TV... the Golf Network... uhh...

Me: I don't care about those channels. I just want my NFL Network to work.

Inept Comcast Worker: Hold on one second.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was another five minutes before Inept Comcast Worker came back. Path to the Draft was almost over, but I was determined to fix this problem.

Inept Comcast Worker: I'm checkin' your package (that's what she said) and you do have the NFL Network HD and the NFL Network.

Me: I know this.

Inept Comcast Worker: Are you still havin' problems seein' the screen?

Me: Yes.

Inept Comcast Worker: Hold on one second.

ROT IN HELL INEPT COMCAST WORKER SCUM!!!

Five minutes later, the NFL Network HD screen finally came on. I missed Path to the Draft entirely, but at least the channel was working again. Inept Comcast Worker returned almost immediately.

Inept Comcast Worker: We're gonna reset the connection on your cable to get the NFL Network workin'.

Me: It's actually working now.

Inept Comcast Worker: Oh. Well, do you have any other questions?

I said "no" and hung up. I was pretty pissed off. I missed my show and wasted an entire hour on the phone with a complete buffoon. On the bright side though, a woman checked out my package three times. Giggidy, giggidy.

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Andrea 06-15-2012 08:33 pm xxx.xxx.xxx3.38 (total posts: 1)
7     9

I realized on Monday that I would be sittnig in class instead of watching the Chargers game with a beer. It was painful, then I started watching the game on gamecast. It was even more painful. This seems like the typical start to a Chargers season though. They'll start winning in a week or so, then fail when playoffs roll around. It seems to be what they do.
Koz 03-19-2011 06:49 pm xxx.xxx.xxx2.25 (total posts: 1)
19     18

Walt, next time you call comcast hit zero on your phone like five times and it will bring you to a human. Great trick that I've used countless times.
MinVikesFan 03-17-2011 05:04 pm xxx.xxx.xxx.110 (total posts: 1)
23     16

Hilarious
Klunge 03-16-2011 01:48 pm xxx.xxx.xxx9.19 (total posts: 1)
16     22

It's not that Comcast's service is "bad", the problem is it's ineffective! I get the same issue all the time and they send somebody out who says everything looks fine. They reset it all and a week later it's out again. Grrrr!
Joe 03-14-2011 06:20 pm xxx.xxx.xxx.118 (total posts: 1)
20     23

Like others have said, movie theater prices are so high because they receive virtually none of the money from ticket sales. Concessions are basically the only thing they make money from.
cody 03-14-2011 01:42 pm xxx.xxx.xxx6.15 (total posts: 1)
15     22

@steve- LOL. Maybe no space man could invite his little buddy he helped zipper up his pants
Greg 03-14-2011 01:14 pm xxx.xxx.xxx.174 (total posts: 1)
21     17

I could write a novel on how incompetent Comcast is, but no one would want to read it and I can't remember even 10% of the crap they do. Every time something goes wrong they want to send out an incompetent technician, which I refuse because none of those visits have ever produced a positive result. Apparently I really fear change because I stick with them.
Wharthog 03-14-2011 12:37 pm xxx.xxx.xxx4.23 (total posts: 1)
21     16

Hilarious...I have Cox cable (that's what I said) and their cusomer service is actually decent. Comcast isn't bad either. Also, the NFL network replays Path to the Draft several times so you're good there.

Use a debit card and you won't have to deal with change.

You're actually supposed to stuff the reservation in your rear and then poop it out. It's just healthier that way and everyone gets what they wanted.
Adam 03-14-2011 10:44 am xxx.xxx.xxx.228 (total posts: 1)
15     22

steven is right about movie theatres but my advice to all is to just bring in a 20 oz soda in a coat pocket or cargo shorts pocket, works everytime. Also it is like that at every cable company, I am convinced they try to get the most retarded people to work there. i am on hold for at least 10-20 minutes in all every time i call time warner and have a simple ?
tenken 03-14-2011 10:18 am xxx.xxx.xxx.137 (total posts: 1)
20     22

movie food is expensive because 0% of the movie ticket sales go to the theater. the only way they make any money at all is through the snacks.
Steven 03-14-2011 09:37 am xxx.xxx.xxx.240 (total posts: 1)
16     17

Funny thing is I work at a movie theatre... prices are high because we are like the mafia, we can charge whatever and people will pay it. Also, which movie did you see?
steve 03-14-2011 09:14 am xxx.xxx.xxx.155 (total posts: 1)
15     16

"No one wants to go with me :-("
there's always no space man
giantsfan 03-14-2011 07:12 am xxx.xxx.xxx7.27 (total posts: 1)
22     21

please no spanish
Walter 03-14-2011 12:53 am xxx.xxx.xxx9.63 (total posts: 1)
15     16

First comment... we're going to have comment boards like this all over the site soon. We're still working out the kinks, so this is not the finished product.



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Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




2014 NFL Mock Draft - April 24


2014 NBA Mock Draft - April 23


NFL Free Agents - April 22


2015 NFL Mock Draft - April 17


Fantasy Football Rankings - March 28


NFL Picks - Feb. 2





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