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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009




Jerks of the Week for Aug. 10, 2009

JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Jolly Ranchers

When I was a kid, I used to always go to my grandparents' house. My grandparents had a tin can full of Jolly Ranchers stashed in their closet. When they weren't looking, I would raid the can and steal tons of candies. I always made sure I pilfered as many cherries and lemons as possible; they were easily my favorites, with watermelon a close third.

(Side note: You should not be surprised that at the age of 18, I went to the dentist and discovered that I had 17 cavities in one visit. I'm not making this up.)

Let's flash forward to September 2004. It was an overcast Saturday afternoon at Penn State. I was a fifth-year senior who had just got back from lifting weights. Naturally, I bought a bag of Jolly Ranchers at the convenience store next to the gym.

When I took the bag of Jolly Ranchers out of my bag, I noticed something was wrong. They listed the flavors as: cherry, watermelon, apple, grape and blue raspberry.

"Blue raspberry? What the f*** is blue raspberry?" I yelled out loud. I opened the bag to confirm, and sure enough, there were no lemons in there. Completely furious, I decided to try the blue raspberry flavor. Five seconds later, I spit the candy into the garbage can.

This was one of the darkest days of my life. How dare Jolly Ranchers take lemon away? Believe it or not, but orange, strawberry and peach used to be original flavors as well, but they moved all three of them into the passion fruit bag. Yet, lemon does not exist anywhere! What's more infuriating is that there's a raspberry flavor in the passion fruit bag, despite the fact that blue raspberry is currently in the original bag. Why didn't they just replace raspberry with lemon!?!? Argh!!!

I don't know about you, but I think this is complete bulls***. I've done everything in my power to bring back lemon Jolly Ranchers. I've visited the Jolly Ranchers Web site. I've launched protests. I've boycotted buying Jolly Ranchers. Nothing has worked, and I'm starting to think that nothing ever will.






JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Me (When I Rant About Jolly Ranchers)

I feel really sorry for RepublicanSexKitten. She's a hot lawyer friend of mine I met at Penn State and a proud member of the WalterFootball.com forums.

For whatever reason, when I get drunk, I always feel the need to send her completely incoherent and horribly misspelled e-mails about suing Jolly Ranchers for taking the lemon flavor away from me.

RepublicanSexKitten doesn't take me seriously. "They'll charge me with a frivolous lawsuit," she says.

Frivolous, my a**. Jerk of the Week Entry No. 1 perfectly depicts how distraught I am over this. If I claim that I can't sleep or eat, I'm sure I'll be offered millions from the evil people at the Jolly Ranchers headquarters. But rest assured, I'm not all about the money; in fact, I'll let them keep the money if they promise to place lemon Jolly Ranchers back into their bags and eliminate the abomination known as blue raspberry Jolly Ranchers.

Now, I know you're wondering what sort of drunken and terribly misspelled e-mails I send to RepublicanSexKitten. Here are three examples:

May 2009: And by the way I reewwaalllllyyyy want Jolly ranchrers to change their fifth flvor from Blue Rasperry to Lemon. I want this more than almost anything. Upu have no idea how passionate I am about this. I've gone on a Jolyl Rancher strike because of this change. I will not buy any more Jolly Ranchers until they change it back. I am pretty distubred individual, can't you say that I cna't sleep because of this? I think you could and I think you'd make millions off of defending such a dumba** like me. I think you need to consider defending me in cort.

June 2009: I should also be able to sue Jolly Rancher. I just had a pink lemonade Jolly Rancher looolipopo the other day, and it was awesome. Now, imagine if they had lemon-flaovred Jolyl Ranchers. Oh no, wait they did, and now it's blue rspabnerry onstead. What a terrible choice. They arlrweady had raspberry in their "passion fruit" bag and now they have blue raspbery in their "classic" flavors, even though i'ts not classic AND it's not even a rela flavor! Y[u've honestly sen how craay i'm about rhis a ndyou know I am so distrubed hat I can't sleep or eat or ficntuona propertly without lemon jolly ranchers anyomore. I seriously think we can habve a class-action laauwusuit here and if we win we wi ll bea ble to take over the world. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

July 2009: I still want to sue Jolly Ranchers. Those bastards took Lemon away and they will have to pay one day. Seriously. you know how super seiral I am about this with you. i emailed you about this or texered you about thirs like 10 times in the pst month. I am pissed that they got rid of lemon Jolly Ranchers, and I will not sleep or eat - OK I'm fat so I'll eat- but I'll not sleep until they put lemon jolly ranchers back in the bag. I will seriously pay like $100 for the oppirunity to buy lemon jolly ranchers but they do not give me the oppurnity to buy Lemon Jolly Ranchers. If High Overlod Barack Obama is all about giving oporutnities, why does he not give lemon jolly ranchers the oppirunity to be available to people to consume them? It's only fari.

OK and now I just realizedd I wrote a whole paragraph on Lemon Jolly Ranchers and that was just silly. Wlel not really beause I'm super serial but you'll probably think it's super seial.


Hey, I'm serious about my cause. No wait. I'm "super seial" about my cause.

It's come at the cost of me making my own Jerk of the Week list, but so be it. I'm fighting the good fight, so Jolly Ranchers, expect to see me in court once RepublicanSexKitten realizes how lucrative this lawsuit can be.




JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids

A few weeks ago, I mentioned my Evil Neighbor's Kid as a Jerk of the Week. Click on the link to read about it, but if you want a quick summary, my Vietnamese neighbor's kid revealed that his dad doesn't pay any taxes to the woman across the street, who happens to be an IRS employee.

I then compared the neighbor to an evil super villain who doesn't pay any taxes, and his kid to an incompetent henchman who always screws everything up for his master.

Well, if not paying taxes was bad enough, this family is now guilty of vandalism and other misdemeanors. It started with the two Vietnamese kids throwing basketballs at cars driving by. Then, a few days ago, they somehow managed to break a FIRE HYDRANT with random bricks laying on the ground. I kid you not - I even have pictures to prove it:


This fire hydrant has been laying on the ground like this for six days. Once someone discovers this, the taxpayers will have to pay for it. That includes everyone except the jerks who actually broke it. By the way, the cone is a nice, evil touch.


It was my Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids, in the cul-de-sac, with the pile of bricks.

In addition to not paying their taxes, this evil family is making everyone else pay more taxes for the stuff they're breaking. I might be alone here, but I'm actually beginning to believe that this is part of their plan to destroy America. Consider the following possible conversation they may have had at the dinner table:

Evil Neighbor: Muhahaha, we are not paying taxes and thus are quickly destroying this country. Hark, we need to hasten this process. I would like to entertain all suggestions.

Evil Neighbor's Kid No. 1: Buhahaha... I've been pestering these Americans with all of my questions to distract them. I've also been throwing basketballs at cars. These Americans will have to spend money repair their cars in addition to paying more taxes. Buhahaha!

Evil Neighbor: Muahahaha!!!

Evil Neighbor's Kid No. 2: Tee-hee-hee, there is a fire hydrant outside! We will use the bricks we've randomly placed on the sidewalk to destroy the fire hydrant! Then, these stupid Americans will have to pay taxes to repair it, while we idly sit by and laugh! Tee-hee-hee!

Evil Neighbor: Muahahaha, brilliant! My evil plan is coming to fruition! Soon, the entire country of America will be bankrupt, and only I will have money! These fools will bow before me! Muahahaha!

Evil Neighbor's Kid No. 1: Buhahaha!

Evil Neighbor's Kid No. 2: Tee-hee-hee!!!!!!!

Evil Neighbor: Muhahahahaha!!!

Note that this is only a slight exaggeration of what might be going inside their house. Nevertheless, it seems as though our country is doomed. I never thought I'd say this, but only the IRS can save us now.



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Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
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Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
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Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
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Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Oct. 31


2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 29


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


NFL Free Agents





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