JERK OF THE WEEK: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Previously on Jerks of the Week: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: I accepted another invitation to spend five days in Tampa with this Web site's senior NFL Draft writer Charlie Campbell and his wife Amanda. I went with my girlfriend, and we had a great time. I didn't talk about the actual time I spent in Tampa just yet; I spent the entire first part of this trilogy discussing all of the jerks I ran into at the Philadelphia International Airport. There were many, including possible terrorists who served us tiny portions of Caesar salad, and a douche in the bathroom who called a fat janitor "heavy."
I sadly didn't encounter too many jerks worth writing about while at the beach. In fact, there were only two, and they were paired together. They were a couple of chubby 14-year-old girls on a blow-up raft. One was white, while the other appeared to be Hispanic. I figured the white chick helped smuggle the Hispanic girl into this country from Cuba until I heard them both speaking English. I was disappointed because I wanted to report them to Border Patrol.
What made these two girls jerks is that they purposely crashed into me while I was floating around in the water. I thought it was an accident when they did it the first time, but they continuously bumped into me with their raft and giggled when they did so. I think the chubby Hispanic chick also winked at me, but I'm not sure if she just spazzed out because she saw a guy eating a hot dog on the beach.
I had enough after the fifth time they bumped into me. I was going to yell, "Yo, a**holes, I don't have a hot dog to give you," but my girlfriend entered the water to join Charlie and me. I suppose the two fat chicks recognized that I was with my girlfriend, so they gave her the stink eye and floated away for good - perhaps toward the gentleman enjoying his hot dog.
Not much else of note happened during our two days at the beach. It was still a great time though. The water was unbelievable. Unlike the Jersey Shore Atlantic Ocean, where it's freezing and black, the water in the gulf was green-ish blue and warm. Very warm. I'd say it was about 92 degrees - and I definitely helped a bit by peeing in there about eight times over the two days. My apologies to any fish and/or stingrays that may have died because they swallowed some of my urine.
Our trip to Disney World was much more eventful. The last time I went there was when I was 14, but the reason I was really looking forward to it was because this was going to be my girlfriend's first trip. It was great seeing her reaction to everything. The nice lady at the ticket counter gave her a pin that said she was celebrating her first visit. My girlfriend then took a picture of the castle in the Magic Kingdom - although she had to do it twice because some fat a**hole stepped right in front of her just as she took the picture:
Doesn't that guy look like Bill Murray from Caddyshack? Perhaps he wasn't watching where he was going because he was setting up explosives to destroy a pesky gopher. I felt like going up to him and chiding him for drinking a Minute Maid beverage and slacking off on the job while the gopher's still running around.
Speaking of drinks, we ducked inside the Starbucks because it was super hot and humid outside. I saw that they had a half-iced tea, half-lemonade beverage available, so I told the Asian girl behind the counter that I wanted one.
Asian Barista: Do you want black tea, green tea or passion tea?
Me: I want lemon tea.
Asian Barista: We have black tea, green tea or passion tea.
Me: But I want lemon tea.
Asian Barista: We don't have lemon tea.
Me: Why not? That's the most basic form of flavored tea. If you have passion fruit tea, you should have lemon tea.
Asian Barista: We only have black tea, green tea and passion tea.
Me: But I don't want any of those. They don't mix well with lemonade.
Asian Barista: So do you want black tea, green tea or passion tea?
Me: I don't want any of those!
Asian Barista: We have sweet tea.
Me: Wow, OK, I'll take that.
WHY DIDN'T SHE JUST SAY SO IN THE FIRST PLACE!? Ugh. What happened, was she ordered to sell as much black, green and passion tea as possible? Was she hoarding some of the sweet tea for one of her fat coworkers? I don't understand why she concealed this option from me in the first place. And why didn't they have lemon tea? Starbucks isn't the only establishment guilty of this. Many restaurants carry passion tea, but not lemon tea. I think that's so incredibly stupid. More people drink lemon tea than passion tea, so why have the latter, but not the former? It's like some moron who sticks dildos up his a** decided that this would be a good idea.
I enjoyed my half-iced tea, half-lemonade as we went through one attraction and then stood in line for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. We then ventured over toward Splash Mountain, which looked quite appealing in the heat and humidity we were enduring. Unfortunately, the wait was 75 minutes. Charlie suggested that we should try the Fast Pass Plus that Disney has set up. If you've never been there, you can go to a Fast Pass Plus kiosk - no idea why they need a "plus" in the title - and sign up for a time to go on a ride in an hour block. For example, if it was noon, you could request to go on Splash Mountain from 3:30 to 4:30, and you would only have to wait five minutes instead of 75.
This sounded promising, but our hopes were dashed when all of the good rides - Splash Mountain, Space Mountain, Thunder Mountain - were filled up. The guy at the kiosk told us that Disney World happened to be packed on this particular day, which wasn't surprising because it was the Thursday before July 4 weekend. He was right - there were tons of people there, and I had issues with two particular groups.
First, the parents of babies and very young children are an abomination. I really don't understand the concept of bringing a baby or a very young child (9 and under) to Disney World. It sounds like a great idea, "My baby will love seeing Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy and Pluto!" but it's incredibly stupid, and any moronic parent who is guilty of taking their very young children to Disney World should be exiled from America.
Here's what happens when you bring your baby or toddler to Disney World: They laugh for about five minutes when they see Mickey emerge from the castle for the first time, but then they s*** and piss themselves. Then, if they're old enough to talk, they complain about being tired from walking around all day. Then, they cry because they're not old enough to go on the cool rides. Then, they whine about being hungry or thirsty, and they tell you they want to go home. Then, they s*** and piss themselves some more. As all of this is happening, you're becoming extremely fatigued from all of this. As the sun is beaming down on you and sapping your energy away, you turn into a mindless drone as you plod through the park the entire day. Oh, but guess what? You booked a hotel for five nights at Disney, so you get to do it all over again over the next four days! Isn't that great!?
Parents, do yourself a favor, and save the trip to Disney World until all of your kids are at least 10. They won't be a complete nuisance at that age, and they'll actually remember the great time they had. Babies and toddlers will barely recall their time at Disney World by the time they're adults, so why even take them there in the first place?
Second, the people of Uruguay really pissed me off. There were thousands of them there, and I'm not exaggerating. They were all teenagers who wore blue t-shirts that said "Uruguay" and something else on them. Apparently, they were in America to take a tour of Disney World. That, or they snuck into this country with the chubby Hispanic girl on her raft.
I didn't think anything of the Uruguayans at the beginning of the day, but I realized how much of a blight they were as the afternoon progressed. We had to wait in the Thunder Mountain line for 40 minutes because there were literally thousands of them in front of us. Their obnoxious blue shirts were everywhere. I wanted to push them aside and shout, "Move, foreigners, Americans are coming through!" but Disney apparently frowns upon such actions. Damn communists.
We finally managed to go on Thunder Mountain. I was so happy to get on that ride because my back and feet hurt from standing so long in line. The ride didn't disappoint at all. After we were finished, we walked toward Splash Mountain, but our spirits were crushed once again when we saw that the wait time increased from 50 to 75 minutes - all because the Uruguayans flooded the line. Once again, there were horrible blue shirts everywhere.
I lost it.
"I f***ing hate Uruguay!" I shouted. My girlfriend tried to calm me down, but I was too pissed off for that to work. How dare these a**holes enter our great country and go to Disney World on Independence Day weekend? It's like they did this purposely to mock me. Well, f*** you, Uruguay.
In fact, after this trip to Disney World, I've decided to become racist against Uruguayans. That's right. People of Uruguay: I declare racism on you.
I am excited about my new-found racism. Here are some anti-Uruguayan sentiments I've come up with:
Did you know that the citizens of Uruguay enjoy banging their sisters? Their goat's sister, actually.
People in Uruguay have small penises. Small, crooked penises.
It's actually UruGAY. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Uruguayans like to eat fried chicken and watermelon all day long.
People in Uruguay can't dance.
Uruguayans suck because they enjoy passion tea (thanks Wesley C).
Uruguayans are good at math.
Everyone in Uruguay is on welfare. Even the rich Uruguayans. Because they are lazy.
If I think of more reasons why Uruguayans suck, I'll let you know.
Anyway, the afternoon was a bit frustrating for another reason. I was starving for most of the day, so when I saw a sign for a spicy fried chicken sandwich, I nearly pissed myself from excitement. Unfortunately, we were on our way to a ride when I spotted it, and I never saw it again for the rest of the day. This made me extremely upset. My girlfriend recognized how sullen I was and tried to make me feel better by saying stuff like, "Look, they have cheeseburgers there!" or "They have a pizza place here!" It didn't work, however. I desperately wanted my spicy chicken sandwich.
We were eventually standing in line for ice cream. This may surprise you, but I didn't want any. Don't get me wrong; ice cream is delicious, but I wanted real food. I was about to pass out, so I absolutely had to eat an animal, or I was a goner. Luckily, my girlfriend spotted a hot dog shop across the street. "Let's go there!" she suggested.
I almost tripped over the rope because of how excited I was. I wanted a spicy chicken sandwich more than anything in the world at that point, but a hot dog with cheese sauce on top would suffice. I ordered that as well as cheese fries. It didn't completely satisfy my appetite, but it came close.
I was in a better mood after that, but a sudden downpour soured it. I also didn't enjoy some of the employees at the park. Many of them were fine, but there were several whose job was to direct people. They'd constantly say, "move along" or "stay to the right of the walkway," and things of that nature. I felt like saying, "No, f*** you, I don't want to move along, and I don't want to stay to the right, you a**hole." Like, seriously, why do these people even exist? They're just douche bags aiming to spoil everyone's good time.
If you don't think that's bad, one of these losers swung his paddle at Charlie's wife's a**. I thought I was just seeing things - I'm telling you, the lack of spicy chicken sandwich made me delirious - but she brought it up a bit later when we stopped in one of the restaurants.
I still can't believe a Disney employee hit a woman in the a**. That just doesn't seem right. But then again, perhaps he was just frustrated that all of the Uruguayans invaded the park. If so, I guess I can sympathize. Uruguayans are the worst. I'm so glad I've decided to be racist against them.