I have several holiday traditions that I cherish deeply. For instance, I go to my parents' house on Christmas Eve to exchange gifts. We used to stash the presents under the Christmas tree, but my parents' cat, who is the biggest a**hole this world has ever seen, peed on everything. I suppose he was jealous that no one bought anything for him. That, or he figured that his foul urine would be his gift to us.
I like to go to the mall as well - not during Black Friday, but maybe a few days before Christmas. I walk around, trying to figure out what to buy everyone, which includes myself. I also make sure I stroll by Santa so I can find a**hole brats to write about in Jerks of the Week. It's a personal goal of mine to see one of these spoiled kids pee on Santa's lap. Perhaps I can try to convince Santa's helpers that my cat is a human child. I'd then then place my cat on Santa's lap and have him urinate away. Sure, I'd receive some coal on Dec. 25, but it would totally be worth it.
And who can forget shoveling snow? I suppose that's a tradition. Most people don't like shoveling snow, but I find it very comforting. There's really nothing more relaxing, actually. If I knew how to make hot cocoa, I'd brew some up for myself and watch out the window as the illegal immigrants my township hires dig away and clean all the snow off my driveway. It's just so wonderful.
Perhaps my favorite holiday routine is writing Lexus December to Remember entries in Jerks of the Week (click the link to check out the 2012 version). It brings incredible joy to me to berate pretentious commercials about overpriced cars. These ads are the worst. They're so unrealistic, and they only appeal to an infinitesimal portion of the audience. I'd say 99 percent of the people watching those commercials can't afford Lexuses, and out of that 1 percent, how many are actually looking for new cars? Is Lexus actually banking on a one-in-a-million shot that it'll reach a wealthy person in need of an expensive car? And what if he or she doesn't want a Lexus? Why even run these campaigns anyway?
I actually thought I hadn't seen too many Lexus December to Remember ads this year. I wasn't too concerned - I figured I'd just search for them on YouTube - but upon streaming them, I realize I have watched them. They just haven't stood out to me at all.
Here's the first one I looked at. Some woman wearing a fancy-shmancy dress in a fancy-shmancy house is making a fancy-shmancy bow for a fancy-shmancy car. But why? Does she make bows for a living? If so, I need to stop this Web site gig and begin making bows because that appears to be quite lucrative. It'd be great - people driving Lexuses from all over the globe would drive to my house just so I could put a huge red bow on their car. I could even have a tiny dog that winks at them. That's so much cooler than a cat that pees on everything.
See, I was able to make fun of that Lexus December to Remember commercial, but all of them are pretty much the same. Here's another.
Is that Michael Jackson making these bows? If so, please get the kids away from him!
Lexus' December to Remember campaign this year involves nothing but a somehow-vivified Wacko Jacko making bows for Lexus drivers. I can't say I understand what Lexus is thinking, or why it continues to pay this advertising company tons of money to make these crappy commercials, but the sad truth is that there isn't much variety here for me to work with.
Fortunately, Toyota picked up the slack this year with their insanely stupid Toyotathon commercials. You've seen them - they feature this brunette woman named Jan who sits behind a desk and often says something snarky to people looking to purchase a new Toyota.
These ads actually appeal to almost everyone in the audience, which is an upgrade over the Lexus campaign. However, after watching Jan for the past year-plus, I never want to buy a Toyota in my entire life. She's just so damn annoying. The ads are unbearable, though perhaps having them as a Jerk of the Week will make me feel a little bit better.
Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find all of the Toyotathon commercials on YouTube. There have been about two dozen of them, but I've unearthed only seven. Still, I think that's a good number for my first-ever Toyotathon Jerks of the Week entry.
Perhaps my favorite thing about this commercial is one of the comments on the page:
I just want to f*** her in the a** ... and if I here her say 4 thousand seventy seven ill just pound that something. ugly ..
I have no idea what language this person is speaking, but it does sound amusing. I assume he wants to bang the texting chick, as do other people posting on that page. I don't. Now, don't get me wrong; I don't think she's bad-looking. She's not hot either, but she's not ugly. I just hate it when people text non-stop on their phone in public, especially when talking to someone. If it's urgent, fine, but most of the time it's unnecessary.
Also, what's with 4,076 friends? That's more than I have, and most of them are readers of this Web site. But who's she friending, exactly? Given that she's willing to friend some random woman she met at a car dealership, I'd say she's not exactly "friends" with her Facebook friends.
That begs the question: Whom exactly is she communicating with? Is she discussing which color car she's going to get with a Nigerian prince and a person who has a picture of a hot chick on their profile, but nothing else? Yeah, I'm sure they really care about what color your next car will be.
This makes me sad for the Nigerian prince. All he wants is this annoying chick's bank account numbers so he can smuggle some of his dead father's money into this country before it's seized by his government, yet all she's doing is messaging him about her next car. Poor Nigerian prince!
I've ranted about this before, but I hate bangs. Wait, it's bangs, right? Or is it banks? Whatever the hairstyle is where women cover up their forehead with their own hair. It's hideous. Only about 1 percent of women can pull it off. Zooey Deschanel is one of the few who can, yet woman think they can be hot like her, so they copy her. And it fails miserably almost every time. This is why Zooey Deschanel should be deported. Yes, she's hot and acts fairly well, but she has uglified millions of women in this country.
I also have to take umbrage with Jan here. Why does she assume the man in the car wants to purchase that particular vehicle? Sure, it looks as though he's having a good time, but appearances can be deceiving. What if the man is having a seizure? What if he's an epileptic? Jan could be seen as a b***h for making light of someone with epilepsy, so perhaps her bosses would fire her. That would be the best thing ever because then these commercials would no longer be made.
How is repeatedly asking people questions considered "small talk?" This seems more like an interrogation to me, and the two men don't appear to be very comfortable with it. It actually looks as though they're about to conduct some illegal business. Perhaps they're going to use this Tundra to carry around several bodies so they can dump them into the lake.
If you think I'm a bit crazy, check out the silent guy. First of all, he's clearly the brains behind the operation because he isn't saying anything. Second, check out the look he gives his friend when Jan asks, "Skipping rocks?" It looks like he's thinking, Yeah, we'll be skipping something into the lake, all right. The eight bodies we disposed of last night for our mob boss.
If you still think of nuts, just listen to the first guy's nervous laughs. He's clearly hiding something. He's either looking to cover up multiple homicides, or he and his buddy plan on going to the lake for some romantic loving. Perhaps they'll get some man sex in between hiding the bodies.
It's the serial killer from the first commercial, and he's wearing the same exact clothes! I suppose he changed out of his bloody clothes, and this was the only costume he had.
I'm really serious when saying this guy is a killer. Take a look at how shifty his eyes are throughout the whole ad. And when he's asked how big his boat is, he can't even answer that question - because there is no boat! He needs one of these trucks to carry all of the dead bodies to the lake. Shame on Jan for not alerting the authorities!
Oh, and I take back everything I said about this man being heterosexually challenged. Gay men tend to be very stylish, and they would never be caught dead wearing the same outfit. My apologies if this is racist, but it's true. Ask any gay guy, and they'll tell you how accurate I am with this. They'll also snap their fingers and call you girlfriend in the process. I'm also sorry if that's racist.
Ooohhh, somebody likes Jan! Could this guy be any more obvious? He went over to Jan just to ask where the spoons are. Everyone knows that men hate asking for help, so he just wanted to use this as an excuse to talk to her. And then he kept going "pshoo" with her. Yeah, way to be subtle, bub.
Now, before you e-mail Jan and convince her to go out with this guy, I think should consider that A) He's cheesy enough to use the fake handgun maneuver with his hands, B) He looks like a serial killer and C) He makes corny car jokes.
I'm willing to bet this guy has pictures of Jan hanging in his bedroom. He probably has them organized by date, but not chronologically. No, he likely keeps track of how many words she says to him each day and has them mapped out that way. I can almost see him thinking, She said 15 words to me today, teehee. I'm counting those "pshoos" as words, so progress is being made teeheehee.
Ugh, this is the worst commercial yet. So many dumb things...
1. What kind of weirdo carries a chameleon around with him? I can understand having lapdogs or cats, or even a parrot if you happen to be a cool pirate, but a chameleon? I don't think I've ever seen any a**hole hauling a chameleon around with him.
2. Way to allow your chameleon to pick your car color, moron. For your sake, I hope the chameleon is gay because he'll at least get to choose a snazzy, stylish color. Again, with the blatant racism, I'm sorry. I just couldn't help it.
3. If the chameleon is gay, and the guy is too, do you think they have sex with each other? I'm not sure there have been any documented cases where a man and a chameleon have mated, but perhaps it's happened in West Virginia, or somewhere of that nature.
4. My thoughts concerning Janet: "What a dumb b***h." Who the hell is afraid of a chameleon; especially a gay chameleon?
5. WTF happened to the chameleon? Why did he just fall off the counter? Is he OK? Did he die? Why is this man not concerned that his gay chameleon lover plunged to his death?
6. "Did you find him?" I personally don't think he cares. He's willing to allow his chameleon to commit suicide, so why would he give a damn if he lost his gay lizard?
7. Why hasn't PETA gotten involved in this? Toyota apparently promotes lizards committing suicide. I feel like this is almost as bad as what QB Dog Killer did. Perhaps this man has chameleons fighting each other to the death in his basement. That's why this chameleon killed himself. He didn't want to battle his friend later that evening.
I wrote earlier that I would never buy a Toyota. Well, I've changed my mind, and I have this particular commercial to thank for that. No, I wasn't convinced because Jan was talking to herself like a deranged lunatic. Rather, something else caught my eye. Look at the following comment below the video:
I'm the king of all thongs!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... all along, this has been an ad campaign about Toyota thongs; not Toyotathons? Well, why didn't Toyota make that clearer? Thongs on Christmas is definitely a new tradition I can get behind!