2013 Spam Mail

If you’ve followed this site for a while, you may know that I like to respond to my spam mails. It’s fun to mess with these a**hole spammers, and besides, if they’re busy contacting me, they’re not taking advantage of someone who’s naive, so I feel like I’m being a good Samaritan.

This spam mail was from someone named Laurent:

We “wang” to buy? Sounds a bit heterosexually challenged there, but not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Here’s my response:

Unfortunately, they did not respond. Poor Aaron Hernandez will have to rot in prison.

Someone named AndreeaChristina Andrei sent me an e-mail back in December:

So, her name is AndreeaChristina Andrei on Gmail, but she goes by Mona Saeedi? Hmm… this seems a bit shady to me, but I’m not totally sure.

I was hoping to spook Mona, and I definitely succeeded in doing so because she stopped e-mailing me after that.

A person named Brady A. Heck sent me this interesting e-mail:

Hey, I feel like most people would sleep with a 93-year-old broad for $5.5 million. Maybe if Mrs. Alicia Robinson is so philanthropic, she’ll allow Eric Mangini to bring a couple of younger females in bed to join in.

Apparently, this did not please Brady A. Heck (good of his parents not to name him Brady A. Hell) because he didn’t answer Eric Mangini, who had to resort back to stealthly taking pictures of Erin Andrews in her hotel room.

Have you ever heard of an iKobo? No? Wow, you’re missing out. An e-mail address named iKobo Transfer contacted me:

This person running the iKobo Transfer didn’t respond. I guess I gave him a brain aneurysm with my reply. Oh well. I was waiting for the iKobo 2 anyway.

I received this spam mail from a Leslie M:

I have no idea why Leslie is e-mailing me about some guy from Niclas, so hopefully I’ll find out next week. Perhaps I’ll say that I caused his demise.

A man named Mark Pepe e-mailed me. I wonder if he was touching his Pepe when sending me this message. Get it? Pepe. Ugh, never mind:

See, Riley Cooper’s not such a bad guy! Just because he hates one particular race doesn’t mean he can’t be philanthropic!

Mark Pepe apparently hasn’t heard of this Riley Cooper situation because he e-mailed me back:

Glad you replied back,I have nothing left on me right now and I was lucky to have my life and passport with me it would have been worst if they had made away with my passports.

Well,All i need is $2,580 USD or anything you can afford to settle the hotel bills,you can have it wire to my name via any Western Union Outlet I’ll show my passport as ID to pick it up here,I promise to refund it immediately i arrived back home. Here’s the info you need:

Name:-Mark Pepe
Location: Timog ave,quezon
Country: Manila Philippines

As soon as it has been done, kindly get back to me with the MTCN confirmation number.. Let me know if you are heading to a western union outlet now..

I owe you a Lot..

Here’s my response:

I wonder if Mark Pepe will mind getting help from a blatant racist. I have a feeling that LeSean McCoy would let him rot in the Phillipines – along with his baby’s mama.

Turns out that Mark Pepe and McCoy are nothing alike. Here’s his latest e-mail to me:

I nearly died of laughter when I read that response. It’s time to make a fake Western Union payment. Of course, I’m not going to do it. Let’s have a member of the Eagles responsible for this!

I asked my editor to find a phone number of someone who works for the Eagles, and he came up with Brett Strohsacker, the Eagles’ media relations coordinator.

I only wish I could hear Strohsacker’s reaction to when this Mark Pepe douche asks him for Riley Cooper’s Western Union information for a non-African American.

A spammer named Adrian plans on donating a million bucks to me. And by me, I mean an alleged killer:

The address and phone number I listed belong to Gillette Stadium. I can only imagine what the person working at Gillette will be thinking when he/she answers the phone to have someone asking to speak to an “Aaron Hernandez.”

I guess they didn’t try calling “Aaron Hernandez” because they sent me back a long e-mail. Here’s how it began:

A man named Luke Torch also asked me for information because they want me to send them a Western Union payment. A typical service charge. Seems legit, right? Well, I gave them the info they were looking for:

The MTCN I posted is something I found when I Googled “Money Transfer Control Number fake.” I wonder if they’ll try e-mailing me back once they realize that I made up that MTCN…

These spammers determined that the MTCN I sent them was fake, but this did not deter them from contacting me again:

I’m definitely not calling that number, so my plan is to convince them to call me instead. And by me, I mean the New England Patriots at (508) 543-8200. I actually just dialed that number and expected a voice prompt, but a hot-sounding chick answered the phone instead. How convenient…

I’d pay lots of money to be able to hear the reaction of the hot-sounding chick on the phone, especially when Luke Torch asks to speak to Bill Belichick when he learns that Aaron Hernandez is unavailable.

I thought this would be the end of this spamming escapade, but Luke Torch actually e-mailed me back:

I actually felt bad reading this as I imagined him yelling at the secretary on the phone, but then I realized, “Wait, this a**hole is trying to steal money from innocent people.”

Time for another reply. I thought getting him to ask for Robert Kraft would be too obvious, so I looked up who the Patriots’ COO was. The COO’s name is Mark Briggs, so…

Google says that Mark Briggs served many years in the British Army, so I can only imagine how pissed he’ll get when this Mr. Torch gets him on the line and asks to speak to Aaron Hernandez.

I heard back from Luke Torch a few days later. Unfortunately, he did not try to contact Mark Briggs, as he called up Western Union instead. I’m so glad this scumbag spammer wasted his time phoning Western Union to confirm that an “Aaron Hernandez” wasn’t registered with them.

Time for him to waste some more time!

I wish I could hear what a former British soldier would have to say to some a**hole asking about Aaron Hernandez’s Western Union number.

Good Day To You,

I am Mr. Leslie Mcintyre, Staff of Investec Bank (England). I am contacting you concerning a deceased customer Niclas of my Bank and investment he placed under our banks management 8 years ago to the tune of Twelve Million Great British Pounds (�12,000,000.00).I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail confidential and respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this mail. I have been in charge of this department for six years and to best of my knowledge, I have discharged my duty with equity.

I am contacting you so that I can give you further briefing on my intention and how to disburse the funds and estate he left behind, I discovered that both of you have a similar last name. I am prepared to place you in a position to instruct the Bank to release the deposit to you as the closest surviving relation. Upon receipt of the deposit, I am prepared to share the money with you in half. That is, I will simply nominate you as the next of kin and have them release the deposit to you. We share the proceeds 50/50.

I ask that you do not destroy my chance, if you will not work with me let me know and let me move on with my life but do not destroy me. I am a family man with wife and children; this is an opportunity to provide them with new opportunities. There is a reward for this project and it is a task well worth undertaking.

Please, again, note I am a family man; I send you this mail not without a measure of fear as to the consequences, but I know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches never come easy or on a platter of gold. This is the one truth I have learned from my private banking clients. do not betray my confidence. If we can be of one accord, we should act swiftly on this. This is my personal telephone you can call me if you want to Telephone: +447933973882.

Damn it. I was hoping I could gossip about this shady Niclas character. Perhaps I just need to just try harder…

Unfortunately, Leslie M. didn’t reply to me, perhaps because she feared for her life. If this stopped her from ever spamming again, then it was a job well done, if I say so myself.

I always love it when I receive an e-mail with the subject line: Hi Brethren. Hmm… seems like a legitimate person trying to contact me. I better take their e-mail seriously:

I, of course, am Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia. If you don’t know what I’m referring to, check out the video of Putin stealing Robert Kraft’s Super Bowl ring

This Wanda Sessoms spammer can’t possibly fall for this, right?

Well, spammers are idiots, so of course they fell for it. Two days later, someone named Jeanne Fortuyn replied to me. What happened to Wanda Sessoms? I was getting along with her so well.

Miss Fortuyn sent me a very long reply. Here’s the gist of it:

Dear Beloved, Thanks for your honest and sincere feed back,let me tell you more about the money which I want to contribute to the charity and whom my late husband is; Wilhelmus Simon Petrus Fortuijn is my loving Husband and his well known as Pim Fortuyn a Dutch politician born 19 February 1948 � 6 May 2002 politician,a civil servant, sociologist, author and professor who formed his own party.

My Husband provoked controversy with his stated views about multiculturalism,immigration and Islam in the Netherlands. He called Islam “a backward culture”, and said that if it were legally possible he would close the borders for Muslim immigrants. He was labelled a far-right populist by his opponents and in the media, but he fiercely rejected this label and explicitly distanced himself from “far-right” politicians such as the Belgian Filip Dewinter, the Austrian J�rg Haider, or Frenchman Jean-Marie Le Pen whenever compared to them.While he compared his own politics to centre-right politicians such as Silvio Berlusconi of Italy, he also admired former Dutch Prime Minister Joop den Uyl, a social democrat, and Democratic U.S. president John F. Kennedy.

We had a son BRIAN who was in the US Army but was also murdered when he was twenty-eight years old, three weeks before his birthday in August 14th 2010. The Gunmen who Killed him dropped a Note in his Pocket and it read, “ONE MORE LEFT TO GO, GUESS WHO? YOUR MOM”Before this time,myself and my husband Set-up an account in June 2000 where we lodged a total sum of Eight Million, Five hundred and fifty thousand United State Dollars ($8,550,000 USD) in a secret vault in one of the Private Banks in India. We have planned to use this money to set up a charity foundation called “PIMJEAN FOUNDATION” after he wins the presidential election.

Unfortunately, he lost his life In the course of running for the Presidential Race and since then, life has never remain the same for me.I had an auto crash on July 21st, 2005 in Madrid, Spain three years after the death of my husband when I was on my way for a Remembrance service and reception which my husband’s Political associate organized in his honor in Madrid.

After different consultation and appointments with the doctors, I was told that my Spinal cord was badly damaged and i have to remain on the wheel chair for the rest of my life.All through my Marriage with my husband, Myself and my son have lived all our lives in the USA since i am an American citizen and so my son, We only visited Netherlands and sometimes my husband is on Sabbatical in the USA and spend most of those time with us.

In 2005, three years after my Husband’s death, the Dutch journalist Peter R. de Vries obtained and publicized a secret report of the intelligence department of the Rotterdam police. My Husband and several other members of his party had been the subject of an investigation by the intelligence services. An anonymous informant claimed that My Husband was not an homosexual,that he had engaged in sex with Moroccan youths aged between 16 and 21 but this was legal under Dutch law.

The Ministry of the Interior informed parliament that the report contained factual inaccuracies, and that the trustworthiness of the original source could not be verified while they furthered their investigation which prompted into them linking to our wedding.I had to seek for asylum in Solomon Island since i needed to be closer to our doctor since my situation needs proper monitoring,I also faced alort of difficulties with my husband family who catered away with virtually all his properties and they took advantage of the fact that we had a secret wedding and cannot contest those things with them openly. They emptied all the funds he had in his account, they also got the legal consent of his estates. This left me and my son to cater for our needs alone and I had to manage what i have in my savings, My son was also of a great help until he was assassinated in cold blood in 2010. Ever since then, My life has been so miserable. My husband relatives have been here with me since I was diagnosed of the Breast Cancer and the doctors said i have few months to live.

My husband’s relatives are only with me to ensure that intention of carting away with all our asset. I over heard My husband’s elder sister’s conversations with someone,sayings “just be patient,she has just few months to live,we just want to make sure she dies before taking everything left”

They have taken over all our bank account and our estate as we speak, claiming all they are concerned about is my good health,honestly,I would have even opened up to them and tell them about the fixed fund for Charity.But I kept seeing my late Husband in my dreams every night warning me,I should make sure I complete the Charity foundation before I come to him by finding someone worthy and he specifically said, a Born again Christian.

I should have written you early, but I was unable to do that due to the fact that I have his relatives around me, I had to wait till they were not close to me to have access to the Internet to email you.

Will not be able to talk on the telephone because i do not want anyone to know about this. Email me if you are interested in getting this funds from my Bank account in India to your Nominated Bank account and i shall give you all details and information you need to know about this. We have decided to reward you with 10% of the total amount in the Bank for your service as our project coordinator, while I will be sending you comprehensive details of how we intend to Donate the remaining 90% to different categories of organization.

The Bible offers hope, joy, love, and life. Knowing Jesus provides things that are more valuable than what you can see or hear or touch or buy.Do you have hope that this life has purpose, is worthwhile?Do you want joy that transcends ever-changing daily circumstances?Do you know true love that’s unconditional and unlimited?And do you want a great life�life that’s “abundant” and full? Thankfully, Jesus promises these things�right there in the Bible,so even if I have few days to go to him,I believe so much that my life and that of my late Husband has a purpose on earth,and which I must finished that which I was made for before giving up the ghost.

Hebrews 13:16 – Doing Good and Sharing(And do not neglect doing good and sharing; for with such sacrifices God is pleased).

Galatians 6:2 – Help with Burdens of others(Bear one another’s burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ).

I pray that God speaks to your heart through these scripture verses about helping other but making sure you follow all the instructions,I shall give you on how the funds will be managed.

Yours in the Lord,
Jeanne Fortuyn

Umm… what the hell is this? First of all, what kind of a name is “Wilhelmus Simon Petrus Fortuijn?” He must have been picked on a lot when he was a kid at school. Those same bullies grew up and ordered their children to murder his son.

Also, what’s with this “An anonymous informant claimed that My Husband was not an homosexual,that he had engaged in sex with Moroccan youths aged between 16 and 21 but this was legal under Dutch law?” I don’t know about you, but I don’t think sex with any Moroccans should be legal under any law.

And what is up with the bible crap at the end? Where did that fit in? I had to respond…

A Mr. Zhang Young e-mailed me and asked if I received his proposal. I asked him to send it again…

Bank of China Tower,
1 Garden Road,Hong Kong,China
Attention: Please
I am Mr Zhang Yong the manager Audit & Accounts dept. in Bank Of Bank of Asia (China) I am writing to request your assistance to transfer the sum of $9,300,000.00 (Nine Million, Three Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) into your accounts.The above sum belongs to our deceased customer late Mr. Hamadi Hashem Ahelbarra from Iraqi who died along with his entire family during the war in a bomb blast that hit his home at Mukaradeeb and since then the fund has been in a suspend account.

Yadda, yadda, yadda, he wants to give me the money and needs my information to do so. You know the drill.

First of all, “Bank of China Tower?” How cool is that? I wish my bank had a tower. That would be so awesome. And second, “Attention: Please?” Please what? Why are these spammers such idiots?

My response:

I hope Mr. Yong comes through because Ryan needs to inject more alien substances directly into his anus!

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