The title I conjured up for this particular Jerks of the Week entry makes it sound like some sort of porno involving an 80-year-old woman, but I can assure you that there won't be any nude pictures or videos of grandmas in this Jerks of the Week post. However, if you're into that, perhaps we can arrange something.
I've actually found that older women have always taken a liking to me. I'm not sure why, exactly. No one else will give me the time of day. My best friends from my childhood still haven't seen my house yet, and I bought it in 2010! Meanwhile, women my age or slightly younger all used to scowl at me whenever I'd approach them. I won't ever forget this one instance in a journalism class when I sat down next to a smoking-hot blonde on the first day. I tried to make conversation with her, and she blew me off instantly...
Me: Hope our professor is cool.
Hot Blonde: Ugh!
Hot Blonde: Don't talk to me!
She just got up and walked away, leaving me wondering what the hell I did wrong. I was chewing gum, so I didn't have stinky breath. I showered a couple of hours beforehand, so I didn't smell like rotting feces. And I was just making small talk, so it's not like I was hitting on her.
I've since become engaged, so maybe I exaggerated when I said that all women my age or slightly younger used to be repulsed by the sight of me. However, the converse is true. Old ladies love me for some reason.
Back in the summer, I wrote about how some meth head grandma licked her lips while staring me down at a bar. Several years ago, I wrote about how some older woman accosted me at Whiskey Tango. A story I've never shared occurred about a decade ago when I went out to a bar with my friend, who was a med student at the time, as well as my sister. Some lady who was about 55 started talking to me, and I engaged her in conversation. Before I knew what happened, she shoved her tongue down my throat. I was insanely drunk at the time, so I just went with the flow.
The following morning, I went downstairs to grab breakfast, and my mom - I just graduated from college, so I was still living at my parents' house - looked at me sternly and said, "Walt, your sister told me that you were kissing disgusting old women last night. Do we need to have a talk about this?"
I wish I were making this up. I was treated like I started doing drugs! Can you imagine what my parents would've done if I began dating the meth head from the Maryland bar? They probably would've shipped me off to some rehab clinic!
What spawned this entry was an encounter I had at Jared. As mentioned in my dreadful Vuse Odyssey, I went to the mall to purchase a gift for my fiancee. Perhaps it was because I was distracted by women I thought were prostitutes and safe spaces designated for alien beings and alligators, but I failed to find a worthy present for my fiancee. So, I decided to do the cliche thing and go to Jared.
I've learned the hard way to do research prior to going into Jared. I've gone into Jared a couple of times completely unprepared, and I've always been overwhelmed by all the shiny objects. Before long, some salesman is talking me into purchasing an $800 piece of jewelry when I didn't even intend to spend half as much there!
I went to Jared's Web site the night before and found some earrings I liked. I drove to Jared on a rainy Monday afternoon and confidently strolled inside. I flipped out my phone and opened the Web page I saved so I could quickly locate what I was looking for.
I held my phone out and scanned the display cases, searching for the diamond earrings I identified. I should note that I wasn't dressed very fancily - I had gym garb on because I intended to swim after my trip to Jared - so my appearance may have prompted the following:
I wasn't looking at who happened to be in the store at all because I was trying to match what was on my phone with the items in the display case. Suddenly, I heard an older woman's voice:
"Are you shifty?"
What? I looked up, and this 60-year-old woman with curly hair and an ugly frog face was staring at me. She was pretty disgusting-looking, though in my partying days, I still probably would've hooked up with her at a bar if she came on to me.
Me: Excuse me?
Frog Lady: Are you shifty?
Me: What do you mean?
Frog Lady: You look shifty to me. Do I have to move my bag?
Frog Lady: You're definitely shifty. I'm moving my bag.
She got up from her chair, clomped over to her bag, which was sitting on the other side of the counter, picked it up and then carried it back with her to where she had been beforehand.
Is this real life right now? I wondered. I was apparently shifty because I was dressed to go to the gym and was carefully scanning the display cases while having my phone on. Yeah, sounds super shifty to me.
A salesman quickly spotted me and rushed over to help me. He quickly located the earrings I was looking for and even talked me into an upgrade. Only a slight one though - I didn't spend $800 this time!
As he was ringing me up, I looked over to the woman who called me shifty. She was trying on every single piece of jewelry in the store, apparently, and the lady behind the counter kept complimenting her.
"Oh, you look so gorgeous in this piece!" "Oh, that piece looks amazing on you!" "You look breathtaking in this particular piece!"
I wanted to storm over there and shout, "You think I look shifty? Well you look sh*tty in all of these pieces, you ugly skank!"
I didn't do this, however, because that might be considered rude, and I wanted to be the bigger man. Besides, if they called the cops, I'd be arrested for sure, given that I apparently looked very shifty.
Still fuming about being called shifty, I got into my car and drove over to the gym. This wasn't a far trip, as this Jared was about 10 minutes away from the LA Fitness I go to now.
I actually didn't have enough time to do a full workout. It was already late, and Monday Night Football was soon approaching, meaning I had limited time to prepare. I still wanted to make it to LA Fitness, however, to soak in their hot tub. You see, hot tubs have this strange effect on me, as I get all my best ideas in there. They're not necessarily great ideas - just my best ones - but there's something about being in warm water that makes my brain overly active. I like to think about my NFL Picks while in the hot tub, quickly going over each game in my head, attempting to conjure up some thoughts I hadn't considered beforehand. Let me tell you, I started doing this in the middle of last season, and I think it's one of the many reasons I started winning.
Unfortunately, I was under even harsher time restraints for two reasons. The first was that I stopped into a supermarket to pick up some flowers, as my fiancee's birthday happened to be that particular day.
Believe it or not, I had issues with an old lady there as well. The woman at the register, some bespectacled lady with white, curly hair, asked me if I wanted a bag for the flowers. I said yes, and she shook her head and muttered, "I wouldn't have done that."
Really? OK, then, wise flower-bag lady sage!
I left the supermarket and tried pulling into the LA Fitness parking lot, but this proved to be difficult. Some old, fat woman was plodding along in the middle of the lot, and I had to drive slowly behind her. This frustrated me greatly.
"Ugh, come on, you old hag!" I shouted.
I forgot my windows were rolled down. The rain subsided, so I opened them, and she heard everything I said. She looked at me with a death glare and continued to plod along.
I actually waited until she left the parking lot in her vehicle, since I thought she might key my car, or something. I then strolled into LA Fitness, and as I opened the door, I looked behind to see an old crone carrying some luggage. I thought nothing of it, and went inside. While I waited for the person at the counter to scan my ID, I heard a loud noise. I turned around and spotted the crone walking inside with her luggage. She looked at me angrily.
Crone: You could've held the door for me!
Me: I didn't know you were coming in!
LA Fitness Clerk: You didn't hold the door for her? Shame on you.
Me: But she had luggage! She had luggage!
They both shook their heads in disappointment, and I trudged off into the locker room. How the hell was I supposed to know an old woman with luggage would be going into LA Fitness? What was she going to do with a heavy suitcase in a gym, anyway?
As you can tell, I was not having a good day. And it would only get worse.
I went into the hot tub as planned. There was an extremely old woman in there who looked so frail that she resembled Skeletor. I thought nothing of it until Skeletor began talking to me.
Skeletor: Did you come in from the pool?
Skeletor: It's much better when you come in from the pool.
Me: I know.
Skeletor: You should have come in from the pool.
Me: Yeah, probably.
Skeletor: I came in from the pool. It's always nicer when you come in from the pool. Why didn't you come in from the pool?
Me: I just don't have time to swim today.
Skeletor: There's always time to swim. And then, once you swim, you can go into the hot tub because it's nicer when you come in from the pool into the hot tub. You're cold from the pool, and then the hot water makes it feel nice.
Me: I know.
Skeletor: You have plenty of time. Go swim for a bit and then come back here into the hot tub. Trust me, I've been coming to this gym for 30 years and I always go swimming first and then I go into the hot tub from the pool because you're cold and the warmer water feels better on your skin. Go ahead, give it a try. The hot tub will still be here by the time you get back from your swim.
What the hell is going on here? Why did she care so much about how I felt in the hot tub? I told her that I didn't have time to swim, but she wasn't listening!
I hoped she would shut up, but that wasn't happening.
Skeletor: I heard there's going to be a lot of rain this week. It's such nice weather, such pleasant weather.
Me: Really? I'm not a fan.
Skeletor: You should enjoy it. You're young enough to enjoy the rain. I like to take walks in the rain. It's nice and pleasant. And then, when I'm all soaking wet, I come here to my gym of 30 years, and I take a dip in the hot tub like I did today.
Me: That's cool.
Skeletor: You should try it. Go outside and take a walk in the rain, and then come back here and go into the hot tub. You said you don't have enough time to swim, but you surely have enough time to take a walk in the rain, and then you'll feel much better being in the hot tub.
Me: I'm not going to leave the gym just to walk in the rain.
Skeletor: It would be the best decision you could possibly make right now. You don't even have to get changed. The door is right there. Go outside and walk around in the rain in your swim trunks and a towel, and you'll feel much better about going into the hot tub! The warm water will sooth your skin after being in the chilly rain!
Me: What? I'm not walking around the parking lot in just my swim trunks.
Skeletor: You can bring a shirt if you're bashful! But you shouldn't be because you are a strong-looking man. If an old lady like myself can take walks in the rain, a strong-looking man like yourself can go out in the rain and walk around the parking lot. This will make you feel so much better about being in the hot tub. It'll make a world of difference, trust me. I would suggest that you just swim, but you do not have time for this, but there is always time for walks in the rain because it's so pleasant. Rain is a gift from the gods because it's been such a dry summer, but now that the rain is back, I can enjoy long walks in it, and you can too, and-
Me: You know what? I'm going to take your advice and swim. See ya!
I couldn't take it anymore. Skeletor wouldn't shut the f*** up whatsoever. I couldn't do any of my deep thinking as a result, and I would've lost it if I had to hear her talk about long walks in the rain any longer. She literally talked me into doing a workout!
I swam for half a mile. Time was running out, however, so I wasn't able to complete the entire mile. I walked back over to the hot tub, hoping Skeletor wouldn't be there anymore. Unfortunately, she was there along with three new old ladies, and they all smiled at me, perhaps anticipating engaging in long conversations with me.
There was no way in hell I was doing that. I left the pool area completely and went back into the locker room, furious that I couldn't relax and think in the hot tub.
I didn't like it at the time, but life was so much simpler when old ladies hated me!