JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 1: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview
Around noon last Wednesday, I decided it was a good time to spam Twitter (follow me @walterfootball) with some of my 2010 Fantasy Football Ranking updates. Unfortunately, Twitter wouldn't work for me. Apparently, there were too many tweets going on at once, causing Twitter to suffer major technical difficulties. Crap, Twitter wasn't working? Was I actually going to have to do work instead of reading tweets all day? What a disaster.
In the one instance I could get onto Twitter, I posted the following, "What could be going on that my Twitter would be over capacity for 20 minutes? Peyton Manning torn ACL? Erin Andrews nude pics?" I also re-posted that on Facebook. I received the following feedback:
Alastair F: "Golden Tate's doughnut scandal?"
Jon Z: "Pretty sure Twitter got attacked by an Alien Wizard."
Jay G: "Wait have you seen the Erin Andrews pics she is awesomeness at its best."
Benradt: "Probably Eric Mangini is inviting all his friends to his huge party."
If it was Mangina, we can assume that Shannon Sharpe - and no one else - RSVPed already.
What's the point of all of this? The few tweets that got through from other users were talking about some England-Belgium game that was 6-3. I assumed they were talking about communist soccer, though I later learned that they were referencing some sort of rugby match.
Nevertheless, I'd like to take this opportunity to bash soccer. The crappy World Cup just started, so artsy-fartsy new-age hippies everywhere are exclaiming, "OMGZ I can't wait for teh soccer to start ftw!"
Here's what people don't realize about soccer: no one likes it. No one. That's right - no one!
If you're a normal person reading this, you might be asking, "Wait, isn't soccer the most popular sport in the world?" And if you're an artsy-fartsy new-age hippie, you could be yelling, "You are an uncultured, stubborn xenophobe who doesn't like to try new things! You are not as cultured or as worldly as me! Hrmph! Now, where is my overpriced Starbucks coffee and my painting that will never be sold anywhere because it blows?"
Note that I never said soccer wasn't popular. It certainly is the most popular sport in the world. But that doesn't mean that anyone likes it. If this concept is alien to you, think back to your high school days. Recall the most popular girl in the school. Did anyone really like her? Absolutely not. She was a stuck-up whore. But her blond hair, huge breasts and mad cheerleading skillz sure as hell made her popular.
So, why is soccer so popular? The same reason why most chicks in this country like college football. It's just a reason to drink, go crazy, support your team and bark expletives at people. Europeans, Asians, South Americans and Africans don't like soccer; it's simply the only sport they know, and they just like the environment that soccer provides. They want an excuse to drink and go nuts. They like supporting their country. But they sure as hell don't like watching a boring-as-f*** game featuring 11 men in short shorts running around a large field who never score.
Seriously, ask any foreigner you know why they like soccer. They'll tell you what I just said. My dad wasn't born in this country. He used to "love" soccer. He played it as a kid. But in his 30-plus years in America, he has learned the rules of football, basketball and baseball, and would now rather watch any of those sports over soccer. One of my friends asked him if he was going to watch the World Cup, and he replied, "No! Soccer is boring! I don't want to watch a sport with no scoring!" That's because he doesn't get as drunk as much now.
My buddy Akim, a transplant from Russia and a lifeguard at my gym, said the same thing to me: "It's just guys running around. It's boring. I'd rather watch any two NFL teams play each other."
This is what Americans don't get. Some Americans - particularly the artsy-fartsy new-age hippie kind - really want to get into soccer. "ZOMG it's so cultured and worldly, and everyone except our stupid country loves it! When will America catch up? I'll be the first to like soccer, so I can tell them I was one of the first once everyone here loves it," they say.
These people ("What do you mean these people!?") try so hard to like soccer. They memorize all of the players. They pride themselves on knowing all of the rules, and think they are superior human beings because of this. They congregate with other artsy-fartsy new-age hippies over Starbucks coffee and their crappy movie scripts to discuss soccer. And yet, they fail to realize that they're missing the whole point of soccer - which is to get as drunk as possible so the game isn't nearly as unbearable.
So, here's my awesome 2010 World Cup Preview: There won't be any scoring. The championship will end in a shootout after a 0-0 regulation score. Sober people attempting to watch it will fall asleep (unless they have tons of Starbucks coffee in their system). And drunken people will have a good time because, well, they're drunk.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler
Nearly every news outlet I've heard report this story has basically repeated how wrong this is, and how social services should step in and take this child away from his parents.
Well, not me. I love it. This kid and his parents are official heroes of WalterFootball.com.
If I were the president of a fraternity, I'd make this kid an honorary member. Look at his drinking form. He's a natural. If he's this good at downing booze at 4 years old, imagine what he'll be like at 18. He could be the LeBron James of beer pong and keg stands. He'll have every fraternity at his mercy; every frat brother in this country will beg him to join their chapter. And the idiot media people want to take this future away from that kid because he's just having some beer? Douche bags.
Seriously, let's cut the crap about how "wrong" this is. Even if the bottle was filled with beer, what was the worst that could happen? The kid passing out in his seat and having a hangover the next day? I doubt he's going to get drunk enough to take some female toddler home and contract a few STDs, though I guess he's so cool that we can't rule that out.
Handing a kid a beer is no big deal. True story: My cousin's parents gave him vodka when he was 5 years old. Like this beer-chugging kid, he was a natural; at 25 now, he drinks vodka straight and enjoys it. But just because he had alcohol at a young age doesn't mean that he became a failure; on the contrary, he actually has a high-paying job working as some sort of computer whiz.
As you can see, this is yet another story that the overzealous media is blowing out of proportion. If anything, this story has taught us that our current drinking age is way too high. The new drinking age should be 8 months. Nine months tops.
Can you imagine a world where 4-year-old kids everywhere line up to buy beer? We'd sure have a lot of honorary frat brothers.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Quit Facebook Day
I'm not really sure which day it was, but Quit Facebook Day occurred recently. According to QuitFacebookDay.com, more than 26,000 people committed to deleting their accounts. That may sound like a lot of people, but Facebook currently has more than 500 million users. I don't think Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg lost much sleep over that.
If people don't want to use Facebook anymore because it eats up a lot of their time, I have no problem with that. My issue is the reason these 26,000 jerks decided to quit, which was Facebook's apparent lacking privacy controls. These people ("What do you mean these people!?") didn't like the fact that all or most of their information was available to all of their friends - or at least that's what I've come to understand.
I'm a contrarian in this regard. I think all posted information should be public. If you don't want someone to know something about you, don't post it. That's it. What's the worst that can happen? Is someone going to stalk you because they know you like watching Desperate Housewives and listening to the Spice Girls? Is someone going to obsess over you because they know you're looking for friendship? Is someone going to print out your pictures and hang them on their wall?
Get over yourself; it's not going to happen. And if it does? Well, you should be flattered. I would be. Hell, if you're a hot girl reading this, feel free to add me as a friend, print out all of my pictures and look at them every day. I won't mind. In fact, I'm even encouraging it.
I'm pretty serious about this privacy thing. What I hate most is when I'm trying to find an old friend and I can't get enough information about them. For instance, my best friend when I was 5-7 years old moved away in third grade. Sad times. I think I may have found him on Facebook, but the picture's kind of vague. Unfortunately, because of the crappy privacy controls, I can't see any more pictures of him or which school he went to so I can confirm that it's really him. The option to send him a private message is also disabled.
So, I added him as a friend. If it's him, we'll become Facebook friends. Maybe we'll even hang out again and play Super Mario Bros. 2, Blaster Master or Kid Icarus like we did when we were 7 (only with beers and perhaps strippers this time). But if it's not him, he'll deem me a stalker who adds random dudes as his friends. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
People who are anal about these privacy controls need to chill out. Privacy shmivacy. Everything should be public. Everything! Only then will nostalgic people like me be able to go around adding old friends without being labeled a creeper.