I don't like to brag, but I've fooled many a person on April Fools' Day. Being a fool myself, I'd like to consider myself an April Fools' expert. That's why I make an April Fools NFL Mock Draft every year. Despite it being blatantly obvious that I'm being silly and ridiculous, I get e-mails from people saying, "OMG TIM TEBOWE IS NOT IN TEH DRAFTED YOUR A IDIOT!!!" Ah, sweet, sweet irony.
I also fooled plenty of people while I was in college. I used to post away messages on AIM that I tried to make amusing and/or entertaining. I'd talk about the jerks who lived in my dorm or the crazy professors who taught me. I posted this on April Fools' Day in 2005:
This has to be a very sad Happy Trails for me. Since no one responds to my away messages, I am ending them today. On this day, April 1, 2005, my away messages are finally coming to an end. It has been fun trying to entertain you all but I have clearly failed. So, I will now make cliche away messages that say "Showering, would you like to join me" or "Bed, would you like to join me" or "Eating would you like to join me." :'(
Many people figured out that I was trying to fool them, but some seemed to forget what day it was. I remember this girl leaving me an instant message that went like this: "NNOOOO DON'T STOP YOU'RE AWAY MESSAGEEESSSSS THEY MAKE MY DAY AND MAKE ME LAUGHHHHH."
Here's what I posted the following year:
So yeah, I spent the entire day eating Cracker Jacks yesterday, so I was in a good mood until I answered the door at 10 p.m. that night. It was my ex-girlfriend and she was with some little 4-year-old girl named Heather. Turns out, Heather is my daughter. =-O What the hell? I'm not ready to be a dad! I can barely take care of myself. The only fatherly thing I can do is make sandwiches and read books. We just took a blood test this morning and she is, indeed, my daughter. She seems nice and all but I am totally not ready for this. I was looking forward to spending the rest of the week eating pizza, Cheetos, chocolate chip cookies, etc. Now, I have to spend time with my daughter. BAH!!!! >:o
Again, some got it, but a friend left me the following message: "Ah man, you're financially f***ed for life, dude. Sorry to hear that you have a daughter."
My April Fools attempts date back to high school. I used to have a crush on a girl named Lisa. I approached her on April Fools' Day of my senior year, which was quite challenging because I couldn't talk to women as a high-school dweeb (I still have difficulty). Here's how the conversation went:
Me: Hey, Lisa.
Lisa: Oh hey, Hector.
Me: It's Walt.
Lisa: Oh OK.
Me: I want to tell you something. I have a huge crush on you.
Lisa: What did you say? I wasn't paying attention.
Me: I really like you and want to go out with you. Want to go to the movies with me this weekend?
Lisa: Ew, no, I don't want to do that.
Me: OK then, we can go to the carnival near my house.
Lisa: Umm, no. I don't want to go out with you. Go away.
Me: April Fools! Ha! I don't really like you!
I'm not sure what happened to this Lisa chick. I imagine that her self-esteem plummeted, sinking her into a horrible life of sex, drugs and rock and roll. Serves her right for rejecting me. I mean, thinking she was rejecting me because it was an April Fools' prank. Ha.
Being that today is April Fools' Day, I feel inspired to fool you all. Some funny stuff happened to me this past weekend, so I'm going to tell you six stories. Some of these really happened; some didn't. You can try to guess whether I'm "April Fooling" or "April Truthing" you for each. I'll have answers at the very bottom of this entry, so try and see how many you can get correct!
Primo's Thug - Thursday Afternoon
I recently wrote a Jerks entry about Primo's, my favorite hoagie place. I complained about how far away it was from my house, prompting a commenter named Hot Stuff to write the following: "You should know that there is a Primos a lot closer to you than welsh and the blvd. County Line and Huntingdon Pike. You're Welcome :)."
I wasn't sure if this was legit or not, but it dawned on me that I could just check if there's a Primo's Web site to see if that location does indeed exist. It wasn't listed on their Web site, but I did manage to find a place a lot closer than Welsh and the Boulevard. I went there Thursday afternoon.
I parked my car and tried walking into Primo's. Unfortunately, there was an obscenely fat woman waddling in front of me, so it took forever to get inside. Once I did, and she was no longer obstructing my entire view, I was able to notice how much larger this Primo's was than the other one. They even had a giant flat-screen TV there too, as opposed to the radio the other Primo's has playing in the background.
As I was standing in line, I overheard the fat woman order her lunch.
Fat Primo's Woman: WE WANT THREE BUFFALO CHICKEN PRIMO NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!
Cashier: Hmm... let me see, OK, we're good, is that all?
Fat Primo's Woman: MAYBE ME WANT GET POTATO CHIP TOO NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!
Eventually, it was my turn. I was deciding between a buffalo chicken Primo and an Italian one, but fat ladies know food better than anyone, so I went with the former option. I sat down and watched a thuggish-looking guy - sideways baseball cap, sagging sweat pants, neck tattoo - stroll to the counter. He actually ordered the same exact thing. Unfortunately for him, the cashier told him that they had just run out of buffalo chicken.
Primo's Thug: Stop playin' me, I want dat buffalo chicken Primo.
Cashier: Sorry! She ordered three, and then that man over there ordered the last one.
Primo's Thug took one glance at Fat Primo's Woman and decided it wasn't in his best interest to approach her. He walked up to me instead.
Primo's Thug: Yo dogg, why you gots to be stealin' dat last buffalo chicken Primo, yo?
Me: I didn't realize that last one was yours.
Primo's Thug: I come in here every day yo, and I order dat buffalo chicken Primo, and you gotsta come in here and steals it.
Me: I didn't steal anything man. Go away.
Primo's Thug: Why you disspeckin' me, dogg? Why you gots to disspeck!?
Me: What have you done to earn any respect? You've done nothing. Now, go away. I'm trying to watch TV while I wait for my sandwich.
Primo's Thug angrily paced around the place. He didn't order or anything. I paid for my sandwich and walked out. He followed me. I quickly got into my car and sped to the traffic light. He was right behind me. However, being a big Beverly Hills Cop fan, I used the tactic of stopping at the green light and slamming my foot on the gas several seconds after the light turned red. I crossed the intersection, while Primo's Thug had to swerve out of the way to avoid the ensuing traffic.
I drove home happily, fully confident that Primo's Thug speckted my driving skillz.
Slow Truck Man - Thursday Afternoon
My drive home from Primo's wasn't entirely happy. I turned onto the road that leads to my development, which instantly made me frustrated because it's been under construction since October. Seriously, I wrote about it five months ago.
They closed half the street off this very day, so I would be able to turn onto the road and drive into my development before hitting a "dead end" sign. This, however, did not deter stupid people from ignoring these signs and attempting to drive on that street anyway. I see this every day - people hit the dead end sign and look confused. Then they turn into my development and try to find an alternative route, but there is none. Then, they have to go back the way they went. If they had just listened to the "road closed" sign, they wouldn't have wasted their time.
I was driving down this road, when a white truck pulled out in front of me. The guy in the truck turned his blinkers on and began driving about 15 mph. I was pretty pissed at this. If he was going to drive slowly, why not let me go in front of him? What a dick.
We kept driving on the left side of this one-lane street because the right side was closed off. We eventually approached a construction worker. This guy was trying to hold up a sign of some sort, which looked challenging because there was some strong wind gusting. He then fell over, which I thought was pretty hilarious. I normally wouldn't laugh at someone potentially getting hurt like this, but these a**hole construction workers have pissed me off for so long.
Suddenly, the white truck in front of me stopped. The driver got out of the car and went to the fallen construction worker. I normally wouldn't have had any issue with this, but remember that there was only one lane on this road. The stupid truck was blocking it, so I couldn't get home!
I noticed that there was a small shoulder strip to the left of the stopped truck. I wasn't confident that I wouldn't hit the truck's rearview mirror, but I was so hungry and annoyed that I just didn't give a damn anymore.
I don't know how, but I somehow made it by without damaging either of our vehicles. The truck driver, however, looked pretty pissed. He started yelling at me.
Slow Truck Man: You could've hit my f***ing car, a**hole!
Me: Then don't stop in the middle of the road, you f***ing idiot!
Slow Truck Man: I'm the idiot? You're an idiot! This road is closed! Can't you read!?
Me: My development is right there, moron!
Slow Truck Man: That does not excuse you almost hitting my truck, a**hole!
Me: F*** you!
I drove away and was home in about a minute. I was so tense from this confrontation that I needed something to calm me down. I then remembered that I had that buffalo chicken Primo. I took a bite out of it, and I suddenly forgot all of my worries.
Crying Wawa Woman - Thursday Evening
I had a delicious lunch, so I thought the best thing I could do was complement it with a great dinner. I had some leftover macaroni and cheese from my parents' house, but I needed meat. I figured Wawa chicken tenders would work. Macaroni and cheese isn't healthy, but chicken tenders are because they're made out of chicken. Balance is key, especially in a diet.
I went to Wawa that evening. I placed my order and waited for my food to be ready. I suddenly noticed that there was this wailing sound coming from the other side of the Wawa. It was being made by a fat woman in her late 50s. She had white hair and was clearly out of it. She was wandering around Wawa, crying and yelling random stuff. How random, you ask?
"There are drunk people! There are thieves who killed my cat! I need to get out of this place! They're going to spend the rest of my life killing my grandson!"
Whoa. Everyone in Wawa just froze. They just listened to her, not knowing what to do or say. She continued.
"There's some damn drunk guy telling me how bad my daughter is! Come back so I can tell you how evil you are!!!"
I was trying my hardest not to laugh because nothing she was saying made any sense. She was clearly distraught, but she seemed like a lunatic who was just rambling. She kept going on and on.
"They said I'm waddling like a damn duck! They said I'm waddling like a f***ing duck! Come back you b***h!"
She then walked out of the Wawa. I exited the store a minute later, but she was nowhere to be found. I guess she went to confront the evil people who killed both her cat and her grandson.
Half-Priced Dinner - Friday Evening
Awesome Girl Who Loves Football flew in this weekend, so I was extremely happy. We went out to dinner that evening to some new place that opened up near my house called the Four Seasons. It was pretty nice inside, but as the old saying goes, you can't judge a cover by its book.
I ordered the chicken parm with spaghetti. It came with the salad bar. I love salad bars. I love dumping lettuce, croutons, cheese and bacon bits into a bowl and smothering all of it with Ranch dressing. It's both tasty and healthy.
I found the lettuce, croutons and Ranch, but there were no cheese or bacon bits. I seriously circled the salad bar three times, desperately searching for those items. Nothing.
I sat back down with a salad lacking cheese and bacon bits. I was extremely upset. Awesome Girl Who Loves Football tried to comfort me, but it didn't work. My entire dining experience was ruined.
The waiter came back a few minutes later. I expressed my frustration to him.
Me: WHERE ARE THE CHEESE AND BACON BITS!?
Waiter: Excuse me?
Me: THERE'S NO CHEESE AND NO BACON BITS FOR THE SALAD!
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir, we don't carry those.
Me: BUT THEY BELONG IN SALADS! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE!
Waiter: Excuse me, let me see if I can help you.
The waiter returned soon after. I thought he'd fetch some cheese or bacon bits from the kitchen, but he came empty-handed. Instead, he told us that we would be able to take half off our meal.
Did this make me feel better? Not really. I'd rather have cheese and bacon bits any day over money. Plus, they took forever to bring our food out, probably because they spent a few minutes spitting in our entrees. Sorry, Awesome Girl Who Loves Football.
Guitar Zero - Friday Night
Our favorite bar, Tango, closed down, so my friends have relocated to this place called Oh, Bryon's, which is a few minutes down the road. I hate new things, but I liked this bar right away. There are a good amount of people there, but it has never been crowded. There's music playing in the background, but it's seldom too loud. As I said before, balance is key.
I've only been to Oh Bryon's twice, but I already noticed my first candidate for Jerks of the Week. There's a guy there who has Jesus-like hair and either sits at the bar or walks around holding a guitar. He always has that guitar. It's like Linus with his blanket - I've never seen him without the guitar. Also, I don't think I've ever noticed him talking to anyone, so I dubbed him Guitar Zero.
There were about 10 of us there Friday night. My friend Val brought a friend, a busty female who had her cleavage blatantly popping out of her button-down shirt. Guitar Zero seemed to take notice. I went to the bar to get a couple of beers and happened to be standing next to him. He struck up a conversation with me.
Guitar Zero: Hey man, are you friends with that girl with the boobs?
Me: I've met her a few times, but I wouldn't say we're friends because we've never really talked.
Guitar Zero: Do you think you could introduce me?
Guitar Zero: That would be so cool, man.
Me: Introduce yourself. I don't know you.
Guitar Zero began strumming his guitar.
*** Music *** Oh, baby, baby, I noticed you when you first walked in. Oh, baby, baby, the way you're dressed is like a sin. I wish I could talk to you, baby, baby. Oh, baby, baby. *** Music ***
Me: What the hell was that?
Guitar Zero: Do you think she'll like it?
Me: Honestly, dude, probably not.
Guitar Zero suddenly looked super sullen. He walked away with his head down. I didn't see him for the rest of the night, so he was probably bashing the guitar on his head for being so inept in so many facets of life.
Late-Night Snack - Friday Night
I was hungry after the bar closed, and Wawa was my only option. In fact, I was so starving that I couldn't even wait to get home before devouring my late-night snack.
There was only one problem: I recently held money and keys without washing my hands. I handle that stuff with my left hand, so I was pretty confident my right hand was relatively clean. That would have to be good enough.
I ordered a roast beef-and-cheddar sandwich, which is pretty awesome, especially when toasted. I went to the counter and paid for it. The cashier, a guy named James, tried to give the change to my right hand, but I awkwardly reached over with my left hand to accept it. He gave me a quizzical look for a second, but then seemingly thought nothing of it, perhaps thinking I was just drunk.
My sandwich was ready a couple of minutes later. I eagerly unwrapped it and took a bite out of it while still at Wawa. Soooo gooood. I then took another bite when I noticed it - I was holding the sandwich with my left hand!
"NOOOO I'M EATING IT WITH THE WRONG HAND!" I yelled.
James gave me an even stranger look. "You arite, man?"
At that point, I realized that I reached a new low. A Wawa worker was asking me if I was "arite" at 2:30 a.m. How terrible is that? The next thing you know, I'll be crying about people who killed my cat and my grandson. Those people are such dicks.
Did you figure out which stories are April Fools and which ones are April Truths? It's your last chance before looking at the answer key...
Primo's Thug - April Fools! I did go to a new Primo's, but nothing eventful happened. This is unfortunate, as I really wanted to brag about using that Beverly Hills Cop tactic of eluding another driver.
Slow Truck Man - April Truth! Every bit of this story happened. I was so pissed at that a**hole. And yes, the awesome buffalo chicken Primo helped sedate me.
Crying Wawa Woman - April Truth! I can't believe I didn't burst out laughing while this lunatic was wandering around Wawa, both crying and yelling nonsensical things to herself. I hope I see her again soon so I can feature her in another entry.
Half-Priced Dinner - April Fools! I did go to the Four Seasons once, and they didn't have cheese or bacon bits at their salad bar, but I didn't go there on this particular night. Awesome Girl Who Loves Football didn't even come into town, unfortunately.
Guitar Zero - April Fools! Guitar Zero actually exists and does indeed carry his guitar everywhere, but I've never spoken to him. I won't discount the possibility that he wrote a song about that girl though. He was leering at us the entire night, which is how I got the idea for this work of fiction.
Late-Night Snack - April Truth! I have indeed reached a new low. The sandwich was awesome though.
How many did you figure out correctly? And what does your score say about you?
6 Correct - You're clearly stalking me.
4-5 Correct - You're obviously an avid reader of Jerks of the Week, so thank you.
2-3 Correct - Disappointed. You can do better. We both know you can.
0-1 Correct - You're a Jerk of the Week candidate, so I'll probably be writing about you sometime soon.