Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013





Jerks of the Week for April 1, 2013


JERK OF THE WEEK: April Fools and April Truths

I don't like to brag, but I've fooled many a person on April Fools' Day. Being a fool myself, I'd like to consider myself an April Fools' expert. That's why I make an April Fools NFL Mock Draft every year. Despite it being blatantly obvious that I'm being silly and ridiculous, I get e-mails from people saying, "OMG TIM TEBOWE IS NOT IN TEH DRAFTED YOUR A IDIOT!!!" Ah, sweet, sweet irony.

I also fooled plenty of people while I was in college. I used to post away messages on AIM that I tried to make amusing and/or entertaining. I'd talk about the jerks who lived in my dorm or the crazy professors who taught me. I posted this on April Fools' Day in 2005:

This has to be a very sad Happy Trails for me. Since no one responds to my away messages, I am ending them today. On this day, April 1, 2005, my away messages are finally coming to an end. It has been fun trying to entertain you all but I have clearly failed. So, I will now make cliche away messages that say "Showering, would you like to join me" or "Bed, would you like to join me" or "Eating would you like to join me." :'(

Many people figured out that I was trying to fool them, but some seemed to forget what day it was. I remember this girl leaving me an instant message that went like this: "NNOOOO DON'T STOP YOU'RE AWAY MESSAGEEESSSSS THEY MAKE MY DAY AND MAKE ME LAUGHHHHH."

Here's what I posted the following year:

So yeah, I spent the entire day eating Cracker Jacks yesterday, so I was in a good mood until I answered the door at 10 p.m. that night. It was my ex-girlfriend and she was with some little 4-year-old girl named Heather. Turns out, Heather is my daughter. =-O What the hell? I'm not ready to be a dad! I can barely take care of myself. The only fatherly thing I can do is make sandwiches and read books. We just took a blood test this morning and she is, indeed, my daughter. She seems nice and all but I am totally not ready for this. I was looking forward to spending the rest of the week eating pizza, Cheetos, chocolate chip cookies, etc. Now, I have to spend time with my daughter. BAH!!!! >:o

Again, some got it, but a friend left me the following message: "Ah man, you're financially f***ed for life, dude. Sorry to hear that you have a daughter."

My April Fools attempts date back to high school. I used to have a crush on a girl named Lisa. I approached her on April Fools' Day of my senior year, which was quite challenging because I couldn't talk to women as a high-school dweeb (I still have difficulty). Here's how the conversation went:

Me: Hey, Lisa.

Lisa: Oh hey, Hector.

Me: It's Walt.

Lisa: Oh OK.

Me: I want to tell you something. I have a huge crush on you.

Lisa: What did you say? I wasn't paying attention.

Me: I really like you and want to go out with you. Want to go to the movies with me this weekend?

Lisa: Ew, no, I don't want to do that.

Me: OK then, we can go to the carnival near my house.

Lisa: Umm, no. I don't want to go out with you. Go away.

Me: April Fools! Ha! I don't really like you!

I'm not sure what happened to this Lisa chick. I imagine that her self-esteem plummeted, sinking her into a horrible life of sex, drugs and rock and roll. Serves her right for rejecting me. I mean, thinking she was rejecting me because it was an April Fools' prank. Ha.

Being that today is April Fools' Day, I feel inspired to fool you all. Some funny stuff happened to me this past weekend, so I'm going to tell you six stories. Some of these really happened; some didn't. You can try to guess whether I'm "April Fooling" or "April Truthing" you for each. I'll have answers at the very bottom of this entry, so try and see how many you can get correct!


Primo's Thug - Thursday Afternoon

I recently wrote a Jerks entry about Primo's, my favorite hoagie place. I complained about how far away it was from my house, prompting a commenter named Hot Stuff to write the following: "You should know that there is a Primos a lot closer to you than welsh and the blvd. County Line and Huntingdon Pike. You're Welcome :)."

I wasn't sure if this was legit or not, but it dawned on me that I could just check if there's a Primo's Web site to see if that location does indeed exist. It wasn't listed on their Web site, but I did manage to find a place a lot closer than Welsh and the Boulevard. I went there Thursday afternoon.

I parked my car and tried walking into Primo's. Unfortunately, there was an obscenely fat woman waddling in front of me, so it took forever to get inside. Once I did, and she was no longer obstructing my entire view, I was able to notice how much larger this Primo's was than the other one. They even had a giant flat-screen TV there too, as opposed to the radio the other Primo's has playing in the background.

As I was standing in line, I overheard the fat woman order her lunch.

Fat Primo's Woman: WE WANT THREE BUFFALO CHICKEN PRIMO NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

Cashier: Hmm... let me see, OK, we're good, is that all?

Fat Primo's Woman: MAYBE ME WANT GET POTATO CHIP TOO NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

Eventually, it was my turn. I was deciding between a buffalo chicken Primo and an Italian one, but fat ladies know food better than anyone, so I went with the former option. I sat down and watched a thuggish-looking guy - sideways baseball cap, sagging sweat pants, neck tattoo - stroll to the counter. He actually ordered the same exact thing. Unfortunately for him, the cashier told him that they had just run out of buffalo chicken.

Primo's Thug: Stop playin' me, I want dat buffalo chicken Primo.

Cashier: Sorry! She ordered three, and then that man over there ordered the last one.

Primo's Thug took one glance at Fat Primo's Woman and decided it wasn't in his best interest to approach her. He walked up to me instead.

Primo's Thug: Yo dogg, why you gots to be stealin' dat last buffalo chicken Primo, yo?

Me: I didn't realize that last one was yours.

Primo's Thug: I come in here every day yo, and I order dat buffalo chicken Primo, and you gotsta come in here and steals it.

Me: I didn't steal anything man. Go away.

Primo's Thug: Why you disspeckin' me, dogg? Why you gots to disspeck!?

Me: What have you done to earn any respect? You've done nothing. Now, go away. I'm trying to watch TV while I wait for my sandwich.

Primo's Thug angrily paced around the place. He didn't order or anything. I paid for my sandwich and walked out. He followed me. I quickly got into my car and sped to the traffic light. He was right behind me. However, being a big Beverly Hills Cop fan, I used the tactic of stopping at the green light and slamming my foot on the gas several seconds after the light turned red. I crossed the intersection, while Primo's Thug had to swerve out of the way to avoid the ensuing traffic.

I drove home happily, fully confident that Primo's Thug speckted my driving skillz.


Slow Truck Man - Thursday Afternoon

My drive home from Primo's wasn't entirely happy. I turned onto the road that leads to my development, which instantly made me frustrated because it's been under construction since October. Seriously, I wrote about it five months ago.

They closed half the street off this very day, so I would be able to turn onto the road and drive into my development before hitting a "dead end" sign. This, however, did not deter stupid people from ignoring these signs and attempting to drive on that street anyway. I see this every day - people hit the dead end sign and look confused. Then they turn into my development and try to find an alternative route, but there is none. Then, they have to go back the way they went. If they had just listened to the "road closed" sign, they wouldn't have wasted their time.

I was driving down this road, when a white truck pulled out in front of me. The guy in the truck turned his blinkers on and began driving about 15 mph. I was pretty pissed at this. If he was going to drive slowly, why not let me go in front of him? What a dick.

We kept driving on the left side of this one-lane street because the right side was closed off. We eventually approached a construction worker. This guy was trying to hold up a sign of some sort, which looked challenging because there was some strong wind gusting. He then fell over, which I thought was pretty hilarious. I normally wouldn't laugh at someone potentially getting hurt like this, but these a**hole construction workers have pissed me off for so long.

Suddenly, the white truck in front of me stopped. The driver got out of the car and went to the fallen construction worker. I normally wouldn't have had any issue with this, but remember that there was only one lane on this road. The stupid truck was blocking it, so I couldn't get home!

I noticed that there was a small shoulder strip to the left of the stopped truck. I wasn't confident that I wouldn't hit the truck's rearview mirror, but I was so hungry and annoyed that I just didn't give a damn anymore.

I don't know how, but I somehow made it by without damaging either of our vehicles. The truck driver, however, looked pretty pissed. He started yelling at me.

Slow Truck Man: You could've hit my f***ing car, a**hole!

Me: Then don't stop in the middle of the road, you f***ing idiot!

Slow Truck Man: I'm the idiot? You're an idiot! This road is closed! Can't you read!?

Me: My development is right there, moron!

Slow Truck Man: That does not excuse you almost hitting my truck, a**hole!

Me: F*** you!

I drove away and was home in about a minute. I was so tense from this confrontation that I needed something to calm me down. I then remembered that I had that buffalo chicken Primo. I took a bite out of it, and I suddenly forgot all of my worries.





Crying Wawa Woman - Thursday Evening

I had a delicious lunch, so I thought the best thing I could do was complement it with a great dinner. I had some leftover macaroni and cheese from my parents' house, but I needed meat. I figured Wawa chicken tenders would work. Macaroni and cheese isn't healthy, but chicken tenders are because they're made out of chicken. Balance is key, especially in a diet.

I went to Wawa that evening. I placed my order and waited for my food to be ready. I suddenly noticed that there was this wailing sound coming from the other side of the Wawa. It was being made by a fat woman in her late 50s. She had white hair and was clearly out of it. She was wandering around Wawa, crying and yelling random stuff. How random, you ask?

"There are drunk people! There are thieves who killed my cat! I need to get out of this place! They're going to spend the rest of my life killing my grandson!"

Whoa. Everyone in Wawa just froze. They just listened to her, not knowing what to do or say. She continued.

"There's some damn drunk guy telling me how bad my daughter is! Come back so I can tell you how evil you are!!!"

I was trying my hardest not to laugh because nothing she was saying made any sense. She was clearly distraught, but she seemed like a lunatic who was just rambling. She kept going on and on.

"They said I'm waddling like a damn duck! They said I'm waddling like a f***ing duck! Come back you b***h!"

She then walked out of the Wawa. I exited the store a minute later, but she was nowhere to be found. I guess she went to confront the evil people who killed both her cat and her grandson.


Half-Priced Dinner - Friday Evening

Awesome Girl Who Loves Football flew in this weekend, so I was extremely happy. We went out to dinner that evening to some new place that opened up near my house called the Four Seasons. It was pretty nice inside, but as the old saying goes, you can't judge a cover by its book.

I ordered the chicken parm with spaghetti. It came with the salad bar. I love salad bars. I love dumping lettuce, croutons, cheese and bacon bits into a bowl and smothering all of it with Ranch dressing. It's both tasty and healthy.

I found the lettuce, croutons and Ranch, but there were no cheese or bacon bits. I seriously circled the salad bar three times, desperately searching for those items. Nothing.

I sat back down with a salad lacking cheese and bacon bits. I was extremely upset. Awesome Girl Who Loves Football tried to comfort me, but it didn't work. My entire dining experience was ruined.

The waiter came back a few minutes later. I expressed my frustration to him.

Me: WHERE ARE THE CHEESE AND BACON BITS!?

Waiter: Excuse me?

Me: THERE'S NO CHEESE AND NO BACON BITS FOR THE SALAD!

Waiter: I'm sorry, sir, we don't carry those.

Me: BUT THEY BELONG IN SALADS! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE!

Waiter: Excuse me, let me see if I can help you.

The waiter returned soon after. I thought he'd fetch some cheese or bacon bits from the kitchen, but he came empty-handed. Instead, he told us that we would be able to take half off our meal.

Did this make me feel better? Not really. I'd rather have cheese and bacon bits any day over money. Plus, they took forever to bring our food out, probably because they spent a few minutes spitting in our entrees. Sorry, Awesome Girl Who Loves Football.


Guitar Zero - Friday Night

Our favorite bar, Tango, closed down, so my friends have relocated to this place called Oh, Bryon's, which is a few minutes down the road. I hate new things, but I liked this bar right away. There are a good amount of people there, but it has never been crowded. There's music playing in the background, but it's seldom too loud. As I said before, balance is key.

I've only been to Oh Bryon's twice, but I already noticed my first candidate for Jerks of the Week. There's a guy there who has Jesus-like hair and either sits at the bar or walks around holding a guitar. He always has that guitar. It's like Linus with his blanket - I've never seen him without the guitar. Also, I don't think I've ever noticed him talking to anyone, so I dubbed him Guitar Zero.

There were about 10 of us there Friday night. My friend Val brought a friend, a busty female who had her cleavage blatantly popping out of her button-down shirt. Guitar Zero seemed to take notice. I went to the bar to get a couple of beers and happened to be standing next to him. He struck up a conversation with me.

Guitar Zero: Hey man, are you friends with that girl with the boobs?

Me: I've met her a few times, but I wouldn't say we're friends because we've never really talked.

Guitar Zero: Do you think you could introduce me?

Me: What?

Guitar Zero: That would be so cool, man.

Me: Introduce yourself. I don't know you.

Guitar Zero began strumming his guitar.

*** Music *** Oh, baby, baby, I noticed you when you first walked in. Oh, baby, baby, the way you're dressed is like a sin. I wish I could talk to you, baby, baby. Oh, baby, baby. *** Music ***

Me: What the hell was that?

Guitar Zero: Do you think she'll like it?

Me: Honestly, dude, probably not.

Guitar Zero suddenly looked super sullen. He walked away with his head down. I didn't see him for the rest of the night, so he was probably bashing the guitar on his head for being so inept in so many facets of life.


Late-Night Snack - Friday Night

I was hungry after the bar closed, and Wawa was my only option. In fact, I was so starving that I couldn't even wait to get home before devouring my late-night snack.

There was only one problem: I recently held money and keys without washing my hands. I handle that stuff with my left hand, so I was pretty confident my right hand was relatively clean. That would have to be good enough.

I ordered a roast beef-and-cheddar sandwich, which is pretty awesome, especially when toasted. I went to the counter and paid for it. The cashier, a guy named James, tried to give the change to my right hand, but I awkwardly reached over with my left hand to accept it. He gave me a quizzical look for a second, but then seemingly thought nothing of it, perhaps thinking I was just drunk.

My sandwich was ready a couple of minutes later. I eagerly unwrapped it and took a bite out of it while still at Wawa. Soooo gooood. I then took another bite when I noticed it - I was holding the sandwich with my left hand!

"NOOOO I'M EATING IT WITH THE WRONG HAND!" I yelled.

James gave me an even stranger look. "You arite, man?"

At that point, I realized that I reached a new low. A Wawa worker was asking me if I was "arite" at 2:30 a.m. How terrible is that? The next thing you know, I'll be crying about people who killed my cat and my grandson. Those people are such dicks.







Answer Key

Did you figure out which stories are April Fools and which ones are April Truths? It's your last chance before looking at the answer key...

  • Primo's Thug - April Fools! I did go to a new Primo's, but nothing eventful happened. This is unfortunate, as I really wanted to brag about using that Beverly Hills Cop tactic of eluding another driver.

  • Slow Truck Man - April Truth! Every bit of this story happened. I was so pissed at that a**hole. And yes, the awesome buffalo chicken Primo helped sedate me.

  • Crying Wawa Woman - April Truth! I can't believe I didn't burst out laughing while this lunatic was wandering around Wawa, both crying and yelling nonsensical things to herself. I hope I see her again soon so I can feature her in another entry.

  • Half-Priced Dinner - April Fools! I did go to the Four Seasons once, and they didn't have cheese or bacon bits at their salad bar, but I didn't go there on this particular night. Awesome Girl Who Loves Football didn't even come into town, unfortunately.

  • Guitar Zero - April Fools! Guitar Zero actually exists and does indeed carry his guitar everywhere, but I've never spoken to him. I won't discount the possibility that he wrote a song about that girl though. He was leering at us the entire night, which is how I got the idea for this work of fiction.

  • Late-Night Snack - April Truth! I have indeed reached a new low. The sandwich was awesome though.


    Scoring System

    How many did you figure out correctly? And what does your score say about you?

  • 6 Correct - You're clearly stalking me.

  • 4-5 Correct - You're obviously an avid reader of Jerks of the Week, so thank you.

  • 2-3 Correct - Disappointed. You can do better. We both know you can.

  • 0-1 Correct - You're a Jerk of the Week candidate, so I'll probably be writing about you sometime soon.




    More Jerks of the Week:
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    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 15, 2014: Idiots at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 8, 2014: Septa Train Zombies
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 1, 2014: Lifeguard Training Day
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 24, 2014: Too Many Cooks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 17, 2014: Halloween and Orange Juice
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 10, 2014: Dunkin Donuts
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 3, 2014: Kyoto and Japanese Food
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 27, 2014: Mario Lopez and Lily Adams
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
    Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
    Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
    Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
    Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
    Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
    Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
    Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
    Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
    Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
    Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
    Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
    Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
    Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
    Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
    Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
    Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
    Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
    Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
    Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
    Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
    Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
    Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
    Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
    Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
    Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
    Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
    Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
    Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
    Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
    Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
    Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
    Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
    Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
    Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
    Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
    Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
    Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
    Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
    Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
    Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
    Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
    Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
    Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
    Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
    Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
    Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
    Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
    Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
    Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
    Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
    Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
    Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
    Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
    Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
    Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
    Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
    Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
    Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
    Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
    Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
    Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
    Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
    Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
    Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
    Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
    Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
    Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
    Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
    Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
    Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
    Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
    Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
    Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
    Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Sept. 20


    2018 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 14


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


    2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


    2019 NFL Mock Draft - June 1


    NFL Power Rankings - May 5



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