Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2015





Jerks of the Week: June 22, 2015


JERK OF THE WEEK: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference - 2015 Edition

I want to publish a couple of books sometime soon, and to do so, I have to find a literary agent who can help promote what I write on top of what I can do via this site, Facebook and my Twitter handle. It's tedious to aimlessly e-mail random agents, so a promising alternative was the Philadelphia Writers' Conference, which brings in random agents each year so that conferees can meet with them.

I went to the Philadelphia Writers' Conference last Friday for that reason. It was my third time there. On the first occasion, I was asked to speak about Internet journalism, which I discussed five years ago. The next occasion came two years ago, when I ran into Crazy Horse Girl's mom. Unfortunately, the agents weren't too promising, as my top prospect was some German guy who didn't understand American football. He seemed like a nice dude, but he didn't quite get American humor. German humor would've worked, though. Perhaps I should've had this conversation with him...

Me: I have an idea for a book. It's about random weirdos I run into.

German Agent: I do not understand zis, ya?

Me: OK, well, how about this idea? It's a book about Braunschweiger and Stippgrutze, and they...

German Agent: Hahahahaha, so funny already, ya!

Me: And then there's Landjager and Beutelwurst and it takes place at Oktoberfest...

German Agent: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha zis is best book idea I've heard in years, you are comedic legend, I will sign you right away, ya?

Writing about German sausages isn't exactly my forte, but that's OK because there were no German agents at the Philadelphia Writers' Conference this year. I knew this going in, so I was more confident this time around.

Unfortunately, there were three things I was dreading regarding the Philadelphia Writers' Conference:

1. Waking up super early
2. Dealing with the weather
3. Going downtown and walking eight blocks

I endured all three hardships in my first two visits to the Philadelphia Writers' Conference. Waking up at 6 a.m. is extremely difficult for me because I'm a lazy bum who doesn't get out of bed until 11 at the earliest. What's worse is that I go to bed late, so I barely got any sleep on the initial two trips.

The weather was brutal on both occasions as well. I literally passed out from the heat the first time. The second was the other end of the summer-weather spectrum, as there was a tropical storm that broke my umbrella, drenched my clothes and soaked my book proposal papers.

As for downtown, I've written about my disdain for that God-forsaken place before. Like here, where I discussed how I haven't seen my cousin in years because she lives downtown. It's been more than a year since I posted that entry, and we still haven't hung out.

All three factors were prevalent in my third trip to the Philadelphia Writers' Conference. My girlfriend made sure I got up at 6, which was problematic because I went to bed at 2:30. The weather was brutal as well; the 90 degrees was bad enough, but the 100-percent humidity made it completely unbearable. My balls were soaked before I even reached the train station. I nearly collapsed there, and this was before my eight-block sojourn through the downtown streets of Philadelphia.

Fortunately, as with my other two ventures to the Philadelphia Writers' Conference, I was able to gather plenty of Jerks of the Week material, beginning with what I saw after leaving the train station.


Penny Thief:

I was appalled by two things I saw while walking around downtown. The first was the utter lack of attractive women. It was a long trek to the Wyndham Hotel, and I needed hot girls to creepily stare at. There weren't any. A couple were OK, but most were obese. Add that to the long list of things I hate about downtown.

The second was this black guy who was walking in front of me for a few blocks. He was about 50 and sported a gray beard. He also had a cane in his left hand - except he wasn't using the cane at all. He simply carried it around without it ever touching the ground. He didn't have any sort of limp either, so there was no legitimate reason to have a cane.

This wasn't what I found appalling about him. He completely caught my attention when another black man, a bum hunched over on a bench holding a cup for coins he was collecting, asked us for money.

"Heyy cannnss yyewww sppparee sommee channnaggee?" he slurred, drunkenly.

I planned to ignore him - I didn't have any change anyway - but the guy with the cane made it difficult to do that. He walked toward the bum, reached into the cup and took out a shiny penny.

Cane Man: Just what I needed, a nice, shiny penny!

Bum: Heyyy mannnn whaaa yyewww dooiinn?

Cane Man: It's always good luck to find a penny on a beautiful summer morning!

Bum: Heyy thasss myyy pennnny!

Cane Man: Not no more, it ain't!

The bum, looking completely dejected, slumped over some more. The guy with the cane, meanwhile, walked away happily, holding the penny high in the air. He then did some sort of jig, kissed the penny, and put it into his pocket.

What an a**hole. Who the hell steals from bums? I've made it known that I'm not the biggest fan of homeless people - they terrify me because they don't have anything to lose, and thus are dangerous - but I would never steal from one. Did this douche really need a penny that badly? What was he going to do with it? And how many bums has he stolen from while living in Philly?

Now that I think about it, he probably pilfered the cane he was holding from someone else - perhaps another bum. And unlike the penny he nabbed, that bum probably REALLY needed that cane.

If you live in Philadelphia, and you come across a homeless man sprawled out on the sidewalk because he can't walk, you'll know who to blame.





Short Story Session:

I mentioned that there weren't any good-looking women roaming the downtown streets of Philadelphia, but there were at least two at the Philadelphia Writers' Conference. One was wearing this green dress, and she happened to be going into the same session I was planning to go to.

You see, outside of meeting with agents, the other point of the Philadelphia Writers' Conference is that they have these different panels where guest speakers talk about different things, like I did five years ago. There were three options at 11 a.m., and the short story classroom interested me the most. I headed toward that classroom, with the hot chick walking in front of me. She opened the door, and I reached for it and was about to say "thank you" to her for holding it for me. Instead, she turned around, looked at me, and slammed the door in my face.

What the hell did I do? I wasn't creepily staring at her, I don't think - not yet, anyway - so why was she so rude to me? Did she think I was more interested in looking at the door rather than going inside the classroom? Why else would I be heading in that direction? I've been thinking about this all week, and I still can't find a logical explanation for her actions. My best guess is that she was walking behind me on the way over, and she got confused and thought I stole the penny from that bum.

The class itself was worth writing about as well. The woman speaker, who had a Justin Bieber lesbian haircut, asked everyone to write a pitch for a short story. I was stumped until I heard some cackling from next door - which amused some of the people in the room - and began writing, "Young adult male attends downtown conference, hears laughter from the next room which ends up being from an alien monster that engulfs everyone but him at the panel. He must save the planet from this monster."

I thought it was pretty cool, but she never called on me. She asked three others for their pitches...

Short Story Lesbian Haircut Lady: Let's hear your pitch.

Skinny Lady: Mother has to say goodbye to her only son, who is going off to war in the Middle East.

Short Story Lesbian Haircut Lady: Good, what about yours?

Fat Man in Striped Shirt: Middle-aged man is in danger after witnessing a mob execution.

Short Story Lesbian Haircut Lady: Great, what about yours?

Creepy-Looking Bald Dude: A real-estate agent wants to kill people in the jury duty system because he's unhappy with it, heh heh heh...

Short Story Lesbian Haircut Lady: Uhh... Ooookay, then...

Short Story Lesbian Haircut Lady was so taken aback by this that I thought her Justin Bieber lesbian haircut would fly off her head and shield herself from the strange guy. I was creeped out as well. In fact, I took it as my cue to leave the room early, just in case he shot up the entire place.

As I walked out, the hot chick in the green dress from before was once again ahead of me. I figured she had the same thought process and didn't want to be near this guy either. She opened the door, looked back at me and once again slammed the door in my face.

Once is an accident, but twice? What a stupid whore. That's it, I've decided what I'm going to do for revenge. I'm going to locate this creepy guy and tell him the girl in the green dress is not only part of the jury duty system; she's the head honcho.

He'll hunt her down and kill her. As she's lying in her pool of blood, gasping her last breaths, I'll kneel down and whisper, "You should've held the door for me, you a**hole."

Now that's a short story worth writing about.







Lunch:

Downtown may have bums asking for money, cockroaches crawling around and hipsters annoying normal people by talking about how great their crappy writing/painting/music is at Starbucks. A positive that downtown has, however, is the cuisine.

There are all sorts of fancy-shmancy restaurants. I couldn't go to one the last time I was at the Philadelphia Writers' Conference because of the torrential downpour. Fortunately, we were able to leave the hotel this time without the prospect of getting swept away in a flood.

"Want to go to the Food Court?" my friend Larry asked me once we were done with our 11 a.m. sessions. That sounded good to me, so we walked over.

I'll tell you this - I had a fantastic lunch. One place in this Food Court was this lovely Italian place that served amazing baked ziti and pizza. I doubt you've ever heard of it if you've never been to downtown Philly, but it's called Sbarro. Philadelphia is worth visiting just to eat there alone!

Ordering my food proved to be quite difficult, however. After Larry asked the Mexican guy behind the counter for a slice of pizza, it was my turn...

Me: Can I have some baked ziti and a salad?

Sbarro Employee: Mehweihgorj orih ergh eroig oer goe oe.

Me: What?

Sbarro Employee: IGOOgiror goir goirg ierhg ontbngbnfskbidof.

Me: Baked ziti and salad!

Sbarro Employee: OGJrig oeirg s wiu gerign lthn ortnbsdg.

I couldn't understand what the hell this guy was saying. He was mumbling, perhaps in another language. I continued to tell him I wanted baked ziti and a salad, but he continued to respond with gibberish.

Luckily, Larry was there to help me out.

Larry: Walt, he's asking if you want a garden salad or Caesar salad.

Me: Oh. Wow, how did you hear what the hell he was saying? All he's doing is mumbling.

The Sbarro employee overheard me say that. Fortunately, all the food was already prepared, so he didn't have an opportunity to spit in my meal. What he did do, however, was refuse to grant my request at the very end.

Me: Can I have some napkins?

Sbarro Employee: NGIorgr ier herguh erogi rt nub9rtb orrrf.

Me: Napkins.

Sbarro Employee: JIGrhiog riego iwhrog er jelth jo; prt b.

Me: Some napkins. Please.

Sbarro Employee: WAWIofhriog herogi elrg erg jpteh I htr.

Me: Come on, just one napkin!

Sbarro Employee: Xwgkoprij igrere geruhg oeig oirth rt et ef rgbtrb.

I sullenly walked away, napkin-less, as Larry was already sitting at the table and could no longer bail me out. Luckily, I was able to borrow one from Larry.

Me: How'd you get napkins?

Larry: I dunno, I just asked for one.

Note to self: Next time, don't insult the person serving you food and/or napkins, even if you can't understand them.


The Deceptive Girl:

Rather than attend the 1:30 conferences, I opted to prepare for my meeting with the agent, which was at 2:45. I didn't need much preparation, however, so I called up my friend who both works and lives downtown.

Me: Hey, come hang out. I'm at 4th and Arch.

Friend: Ugh. Dude, that's like 11 blocks away from where I am.

Me: Come on, man. There are lots of hot girls here.

Friend: OK, I'll take the subway. I'll be there in 10.

I chatted with my friend for an hour, who agreed that there were plenty of good-looking women at the conference. He didn't even see the girl in the green dress, but the one who caught his eye was a brunette wearing a red dress. She seemed to have great legs from afar.

Following the meeting with the agent - it seemed to go well - I went into a panel talking about social media. Larry was already in there, and it so happened that there was an empty seat next to him. To the right of that vacant chair was the girl with the red dress.

I was hoping I could pick up a tip from the classroom, but it was pointless because the guy speaker was interrupted every two minutes by old geezers asking these sorts of questions:

"I am confused... what's the difference between a blog and a Web site?"

"How does someone sign up for Twitter or Facebook?"

"What's the difference between e-mail and G-mail?"

"Excush me shonny, what ish a Web shight?"

I'm not making that last one up. A fat woman in her early 80s posed that question to the speaker, who appeared as though he was going to lose it.

Completely bored, I decided it was time to creepily check out the girl in the red dress's legs. I looked down and...

EWW!

Her legs, which seemed great from a long distance, were hairy, veiny and chunky. I actually said "ugh" aloud.

It was just instinctive. I was hoping she didn't hear me, but sure enough, she did. She gave me a look of pure hatred; one that said she wanted to slit my throat and then whisper something hateful into my ear as I gasped for air.

And no, she didn't hold the door for me on the way out, either.

LOADING COMMENTS...



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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Nov. 22


2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 16


2019 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 20


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


NFL Power Rankings - May 5









 





 

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