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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010




Jerks of the Week for Dec. 6, 2010


JERK OF THE WEEK: 10-Year High School Reunion

I had my 10-year high school reunion the Saturday after Thanksgiving. It was a pretty fun time, except for the following:

1. It was downtown. I hate downtown. Bums creep me out, one-way streets confuse me, and artsy-fartsy new-age hippies make me want to shoot myself. You can read all about it in various old Jerks of the Week entries, including this one.

2. It was on a Saturday night. As I wrote on the Facebook reunion event page, "Damn, I wish this were on a Friday so I could make a drunken fool out of myself. I work all day Sunday, so I won't be able to drink too much."

3. Some jerk stole my coat. The coat situation at this bar was a pretty crappy one - all people did was throw their coat into a small closet across from the men's bathroom.

When I went to retrieve my coat at the end of the night, I found it and put it on. My friend Patty, who was sober at the time, remarked, "Walt, that's not your coat." Whoops!

It looked like my coat. Except this one had three buttons (mine has one) and an inside zipper (mine doesn't have one).

So, I took this coat home, thinking the person who grabbed mine would notice this and want to exchange back. Unfortunately, this person never responded to a mass e-mail about it, so I'll need to buy a new coat. Having three buttons and an inside pocket may seem like an upgrade, but I'm OCD with stuff. I'm not happy about this situation.

At any rate, I lied about Item No. 2. I got somewhat drunk. It was an open bar, so I had numerous beers and vodka concoctions.

Being inebriated, I thought it would be a good idea to text myself some notes about the night for this Jerk of the Week entry. I'll have to pat myself on the back for this; if I didn't take notes, I would have forgotten about half the things I noticed at my reunion.

I made eight drunken notes. Here they are:


"Skimmy girls got Fat. Fat grils got fatter."

This was actually a quote from Josh, my best friend since we were 5 years old. But before I go any further, I should address the horrible spelling.

I can't type or text when I'm drunk. I'm the worst with that. As a reminder, here was an e-mail I sent to my hot lawyer friend one night when I was drunk two years ago:

I should also be able to sue Jolly Rancher. I just had a pink lemonade Jolly Rancher looolipopo the other day, and it was awesome. Now, imagine if they had lemon-flaovred Jolyl Ranchers. Oh no, wait they did, and now it's blue rspabnerry onstead. What a terrible choice. They arlrweady had raspberry in their "passion fruit" bag and now they have blue raspbery in their "classic" flavors, even though i'ts not classic AND it's not even a rela flavor! Y[u've honestly sen how craay i'm about rhis a ndyou know I am so distrubed hat I can't sleep or eat or ficntuona propertly without lemon jolly ranchers anyomore. I seriously think we can habve a class-action laauwusuit here and if we win we wi ll bea ble to take over the world. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

You can see the other two drunk e-mails I sent to her here.

At any rate, Josh said some other pretty funny things throughout the night, including:

  • "Hey look, it's [Name Removed]! He's big, fat, dumb and Irish, just like he was in high school!"

  • "I want to bang her, her, her, her and her. All at the same time. I would die a happy man if that happened."

  • "Look at that girl's a**. Look at it. You're not looking! Look! How did it get so big? Wow! I want to bang her so bad!"

  • "Oh my God, all the girls I had a crush on in high school are in the same area. What should I do, Walt!? Do you think I could bang them all at once!?"

    Josh has a habit of disappearing in the middle of the night if he's super drunk. He did this at our grade school reunion two years ago, and after telling me he was going to the bathroom, I didn't hear from him until he called me two days later.


    "I Don't want to cuddle with fat chicks"

    I have no idea if Josh said this or not. Maybe it was a reminder I wrote to myself at the beginning of the night. But let this serve as a public service announcement. Don't drink and drive, and don't cuddle with fat chicks.





    "Bum With Beard"

    My back sucks. If I stand for a while, it really hurts. After about two hours of conversing with people I hadn't seen in a decade, I wanted to sit down. Unfortunately, the only chair in the area was occupied by this fat dude with a long beard.

    This guy looked completely out of place. He just sat there looking completely bored and/or cracked out. I kept an eye on him for about 20 minutes to see if he'd get up, but he just sat there like some homeless a**hole.

    I finally decided to throw some change his way, but as I reached into my pocket to grab several quarters, a couple of hot chicks gleefully approached him.

    I guess the old saying is true - bums with long beards get all the hot chicks.


    "Kenny grinding not that there's anything winni with that I Guess"

    Toward the end of the night, a drunk Puerto Rican guy started grinding with me. Not that there's anything "winni" with that.

    Two things kept me from doing anything about this: One, he was just messing around. And two, he runs the hosting company that hosts this Web site. So, if Kenny wants to grind with me at some downtown bar, I guess there's nothing I can do about that.


    "Loud music so what r u up to Shannon speak. Loud music in bathroom."

    First of all, I don't know who Shannon is. I was losing it at this point.

    Second, I've discussed loud music before. I absolutely hate loud music in bars or clubs. It was so hard to talk to anyone. Here was a typical conversation I had that night:

    Me: Hey, how have you been?

    Hot Chick: 84tu4ho ghrwoi uhrw 9heriu toeh 9tr.

    Me: What!?

    Hot Chick: What!?

    Me: HUH!!!!????

    Hot Chick: uirh g ergh o0 h r erg heo rohieowef ladainian tomlinson g09rw8gho o erigo hrgh r0hg orweh o.

    Me: What!?

    Hot Chick: What!?

    Me: HUH!?!??!

    Hot Chick: Nice seeing you!!!

    The music was super loud everywhere, including the bathroom. I was temporarily deaf after I left my reunion. Hell, it's been nine days since, and my ears are still ringing.





    "R u still doing that thing on the internet angry tone."

    Some people at the reunion knew of my Web site. Others didn't. Yet, only one person asked me what I thought about the Eagles-Bears game. I'd find this surprising, but the music was so loud that maybe the other people figured that it would be too futile to ask.

    One chick wasn't impressed with my current vocation. I saw her at the 5-year reunion, and when I told her about this Web site, she had a disgusted look on her face. Now, five years later, she approached me and asked, "Ugh, are you still doing that Internet thing?"

    A girl who hates the Internet and other possible technologies? Sounds like the woman of my dreams! Keep reading...


    "Fancy cell phones disallow hate can't handle 3rd irod mano meatball yuck"

    Scientists could look at that sentence for decades and fail to figure out what it means. Luckily, I know.

    As I observed all of my old high school friends, acquaintances and enemies, I noticed that everyone was texting or surfing the Web on fancy cell phones.

    This bothered me. When I was in high school, no one had a cell phone. Some people - namely the cool guys who smoked cigarettes outside - had beepers. But no one owned a cell phone.

    In my drunken state, I was confused to see all the old high school people with nifty cell phones. Confused and angry. See, I hate technology, which is ironic because I run a Web site for a living. But I still use VCRs. I have no idea how to DVR stuff. And I hate three-dimensional video games like Halo or Super Mario 64. I can barely handle three dimensions in real life; why would I want to do so in a video game?

    So, what does "irod mano" mean? Well, I received a package in the mail from Comcast recently. I opened it up to see that they sent me an iPod Nano. I don't know why they sent me this. I didn't order one. And I don't even know how to use it. Where the hell does the music go? Ugh, can't we just go back to using the good old walkman?

    As for "meatball yuck?" I really have no clue. I love meatballs, so someone must have stolen my phone and typed that in. Perhaps the person who stole my coat did this.

    Hmm... I wonder who it could have been...


    "I'm was a loses them I zip in high school"

    I have absolutely no idea what this means. No clue.

    Hmm... what could zip mean? Zip - as in zipper? Was I talking about the zipper in the new coat? Did I know someone stole my coat? Or... OR am I the person who stole my own coat? DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!!!



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    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Sept. 21


    2015 NFL Mock Draft - Sept. 20


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5


    2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24


    2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1


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