I hate the Olympics. I really do. I feel like a broken record because I write the same thing every two years, but nothing I publish can properly describe my disdain for these games.
One thing I can't stand is that everyone starts pretending like they care about these random sports even though they neither completely understand them nor do they keep track of them during the other 205 weeks in each 4-year cycle.
For example, people who watched the bobsledding event might say to a coworker, "I can't believe Martavias Gustaffson didn't win the gold in the men's bobsledding competition!" Really? You can't believe it? The only reason you've heard of Martavis Gustaffson is because that a**hole Bob Costas told you about him. Why haven't you watched any of Martavius Gustaffson's other competitions during these other four years if you're so into bobsledding?
It's so stupid, and I guarantee that I'll get five e-mails saying, "F*** you a**hole Martavious Gustaffson is the man!" And that's just part of the problem. These people won't even know that I just made Martevias Gustaffson up - and that I spelled his first name differently each time I wrote it - because they are bandwagon douche bags who pretend to like the Olympics only because everyone else does.
Others will proclaim, "I watch the Olympics to support my country!" What? How exactly are you supporting your country by rooting for athletes you've never heard of? And how do athletes winning the gold medal help a country, exactly? In fact, what you should be doing is cheering on athletes from countries run by communist dictator a**holes who will publicly execute these athletes if they don't medal. If they don't place here, they just get fewer endorsement deals. If they don't place in China, they "disappear" and are never heard from again.
If all of the countries in the world want to get together for some sort of competition, I'm fine with it as long as the following three items are satisfied:
1. Other TV stations don't air reruns of my favorite shows during the Olympics. I hate that. It's so pathetic that they're scared that their ratings will suck because the Olympic viewership will dwarf their shows. That won't happen. The only reason it does now is because they air reruns. It's like the chicken and the egg. People have no choice but to watch the Olympics because nothing else is on.
2. For the love of God, no Bob Costas. He's a self-righteous douche who thinks he's better than everyone else because he can give long lectures on TV about how terrible we are. F*** you, Costas. If I want to waste electricity in my house and slowly drain away my planet's resources, there's nothing you can do to stop me.
3. Have this Olympic competition be for something productive (i.e. not sports). As I wrote two years ago when I made the Summer Olympics my Jerk of the Year, "I say that if all the countries want to get together and have a competition, it should be about scientific stuff. They could battle each other to see who can create the best invention to benefit mankind. Perhaps these Olympics would lead to a cancer cure or risk-free fat reducers."
I can see it now:
Canada: We cured cancer in our Olympic organ-I-zation, eh?
Corrupt Judge: Great.
Russia: Vee make cure for Eboola veeroos vhile vee make borscht.
Corrupt Judge: That's good. What about you, America?
America: We found a way to make all of our fat chicks hot!
Corrupt Judge: We have a winner - America takes the gold!
Would you rather watch a country turn all of its fat chicks into hot ones, or would you rather see Mertaveous Gustaffson win the gold in the bobsled? I rest my case.
Unfortunately, the Olympics aren't going to change, so I might as well find some positives with it. Believe it or not, I managed to discover a few good things that happened in Sochi:
1. Bob Costas' Eye:
I wasn't watching a second of NBC's Olympic coverage, but Bob Costas' eye problems still seemed like a gift from God. If you somehow missed it, Russian president Vladimir Putin poisoned Costas. As it turns out, Coatas made Putin feel bad about rooting for the Redskins despite their controversial name. Putin, as a consequence, had his henchmen infect Costas' eye. It looked like this at first:
That wasn't too bad, but the situation continued to worsen. Soon enough, Costas' eyes completely changed colors:
It then got so bad that NBC had to pull Costas off the air, just as he was about to give his next lecture. Now, NBC typically overreacts stupidly to the most inconsequential things, but they were right to put Costas into quarantine. I actually obtained a photo of what Costas looked like at the worst possible moment. I urge you all to look away if you're at all squeamish. In fact, you should probably exit this window.
If you're brave, feel free to scroll down a bit to see what happened to Costas:
Next time, let Putin cheer on the Redskins in peace, Costas.
2. Learning About Sochi:
When people on TV first started saying the "Sochi Olympics," I thought Sochi was a company - I figured one that makes energy drinks of some sort - and that they really meant, "The Winter Olympics, brought to you by Sochi."
I wondered for the longest time why people gave me strange looks every time I said something like, "I refuse to drink Sochi now that they're sponsoring the Olympics." I just figured that I was talking to people who pretended to like the Olympics. I honestly had zero clue that Sochi was a city in Russia. It doesn't even sound Russian. If it were called St. Sochigrad or Sochikov, I could buy it. But "Sochi" seriously sounds like an energy drink.
I finally realized that Sochi was a city when TV broadcasts mentioned that it has bathroom stalls with two toilets and brown water running from the faucets. I found this all amusing - only because people seemed so shocked by this. Of course a city in Russia has weird bathrooms and broken plumbing. It's freaking Russia! It was a second-world country two decades ago, and it was run by communist idiots who naturally made life unbearable for everyone who wasn't in their close circle. Why would they suddenly have normal toilets and drinkable water in just 20 years? Rome wasn't built in a day, and Sochi toilets weren't built in two decades.
I hope this taught the Olympic committee a lesson - that all Olympic games should be held in countries that actually have their s*** together. Whatever moron who thought having the Olympics in Russia would be a good idea should not have a job anymore.
3. America Lost in Hockey:
After both the American men and women lost to Canada in hockey, some bar on Twitter tweeted out, "We're not serving Canadian beer in our bar for the rest of the week!"
Yeah! Way to show Canada who's boss, random bar! All drinking establishments should have already been doing this as soon as Justin Bieber and his lesbian haircut proved to be an insufferable nuisance in this country, but better late than never, I guess.
I'm honestly glad that both American teams lost in hockey, and before you call me a traitor to this country, hear me out. Hockey is the only sport in the Olympics that most sane people truly care about. They won't admit it, but it's true. I'm sure there are a couple of people in this country who eat "peanut butter" out of their buttocks and live and die by the luge results, but once again, I'm only talking about mentally functioning individuals.
With that in mind, it's good that America lost in hockey. The entire rest of the world hates us - probably because we have single-toilet urinals and uncontaminated running water - so there's no reason to infuriate the other nations even further. If we lose, they laugh at us and yell, "America sucks after all, haha!" If we win the only sport that anyone really cares about, they'll start planning to go to war with us because they'd hate us even more.
So, you see, if you rooted for America to win in hockey, you were promoting war and death counts in the millions. And I'm the bad guy for cheering on Canada?
Despite these silver linings, the Olympics sucked overall. The games were boring, the figure skating was fixed, and NBC's coverage was once again awful because it couldn't broadcast the games live because it wanted to make as much money as possible. I'd call the NBC higher-ups hypocrites, but they had to come up with cash to pay for Costas' eye transplant.
The Olympics can improve though. I have some great ideas I wanted to share with you:
1. Speed Skating Obstacles:
Timed speed skating is stupid. I think we can all agree with this. Who cares if Person A can skate faster than Person B? How is that applicable in everyday life? I can see why running would be a big deal - back when the Olympics were first created, unarmed men had to run from wild beasts, and the slow ones would get eaten - but what does being the fastest skater mean? You can't even use the classic "skating away from polar bears" argument because a polar bear would eat someone before he or she could put on skates.
To make speed skating more enjoyable, I say that there should be obstacles for the competitors to avoid. For example, the skaters should have to leap through a ring of fire on the first lap. The second go-around should have thin ice with sharks underneath it. Hungry polar bears should be dispatched on the third lap. And the fourth and final lap? How about half-polar bear, half-shark hybrids that throw rings of fire at the skaters!?
How cool would that be? I'd definitely watch. Sure, some people might die, but it's all in good fun. Besides, it's not like TV viewers didn't suffer the same fate after gazing into Costas' eye.
2. Skiing Upgrade:
I feel like skiers should have to face obstacles as well, but for them, I'd recommend just one thing:
Call me crazy, but the Winter Olympics seem incomplete without man-eating yetis.
3. Curling and Drinking:
Curling is incredibly stupid, but it's still the second-coolest sport in the Winter Olympics after hockey. It seems like something anyone can pick up and do with some friends outside of a bar and then become good enough to compete in at the Olympics four years later.
With that in mind, all curlers should have to drink at least 12 beers before their curling competition. It's the only drinking sport in the Olympics, so it would make sense for everyone to be intoxicated while doing it. How hilarious would it be for someone to score the winning point in a curling match and then vomit all over the person trying to put a medal around their neck?
4. Shooting Games:
You know that sport where you ski and shoot targets? I have an awesome idea on how to improve it, and I even think I could make it into a book and/or a movie.
OK, so you gather two people from each country. You do it randomly, though the poor people have a higher chance of being selected because no one cares about them, am i rite? Then, these people are shipped off to the Olympics, where they are wined and dined for several days. After some training, they are placed in a snowy forest with nothing but skis, a shotgun and about a dozen shells. Once some voice in the sky counts down from 60, these people can begin shooting each other or forming alliances until there's only one survivor.
How cool would that be? And how great is my idea? I'm telling you, I'm going to write a book about this, and I'm going to be super successful and make millions.
5. Embrace Figure Skating Scandals:
As it's run right now, figure skating is a complete joke. In fact, any sport that has judging can't be taken seriously. Human judges can easily be influenced by a variety of things, so until we develop cyborgs that can accurately judge figure skating, diving, etc., these sports should be banned from the Olympics.
Unfortunately, that's not realistic, so I have an alternative solution: Embrace the corruption in figure skating.
You heard me. Crooked judging can be made into a positive. How, you ask? Make it into a reality show of sorts. Have cameras following these judges around to see what sort of shady/strange individuals care enough to pay them off. Wouldn't that be cool? Imagine one of Putin's henchmen telling a judge that he'll kill their children if they don't give the highest score to the Russian skater. That's some epic TV!
You could also do the same thing with the skaters. You could maybe have someone conjure up stories about one skater saying something about the other, promoting one to channel her inner Tanya Harding and bash the knees of another skater with a hammer. We haven't had a "WHYYYYY!?!?! WHYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!?" moment in so long, and I feel like America desperately needs one.
Actually, you know what? What I just described sounds like the reality garbage that's been on TV while the Olympics have been on. I'm tired of that stuff, and I'm sick of the Olympics. Can't they just pull a Bob Costas and disappear for a while?