I regrettably reported about a month ago that Whiskey Tango, my local bar, was closing down and turning into something else. The hot bartender I failed to game that night told me that the new place was going to be called Philly 4, and that it was going to be more of an eatery than a bar.
The hot bartender was wrong. My friends and I checked out Philly 4 last Friday night. I had dinner with my family beforehand, so my friends were already there. I walked over to Philly 4, and saw my friend Jess with her hot lesbian girlfriend (true story) smoking outside. I asked them how it was inside, and they showed me these orange paper bracelets they had to wear after paying cover.
Hot Lesbian: It's a $5 cover, but you get these cool bracelets.
Me: What is this, a freaking waterpark?
Hot Lesbian: You're just jealous that we have these and you don't.
Me: Yes. Yes, I am.
I walked in, but surprisingly didn't have to pay the cover. I guess I got there late and they stopped charging. That was the good news. The bad news is that I didn't get an awesome, orange paper bracelet like everyone else.
I looked around. Philly 4 looked exactly the same - only they moved the pool table to the back area and put more dining tables where the pool table used to be.
It was the same crowd too. The same racist KKK bikers. The same, occasional hot girl surrounded by her fat friends on the dance floor. The same Drunkest Woman Ever.
Yes. She's back. We were just sitting down and playing a game of 21 when Jess told me to look to my right. This is what I saw:
Holy a** crack - Drunkest Woman Ever is a plumber!
Drunkest Woman Ever was still as drunk as ever. Minutes after my friend Valerie snapped that picture, Drunkest Woman Ever knocked that chair over. It fell and nearly hit me. She turned around and apologized to me.
Drunkest Woman Ever: I'mmm sooooo sorrrryyyyyy!
Me: It's OK.
Drunkest Woman Ever: I diiiddnn meeeeannnn ttaaaa!
This went on for about two minutes. A fat, racist KKK biker walked into the area and sat down. Drunkest Woman Ever waltzed over to him, but knocked over another chair in the process. We laughed, and she pointed to me. I can only imagine what she said to Fat Racist KKK Biker.
Drunkest Woman Ever: Theyzzz alllzz lafffin at meeee!
Fat Racist KKK Biker: If I find out any of dem's Jews or blacks, I'm gonna kill em up round hmyall!
Drunkest Woman Ever: Theyzzz knnooccckkss ovurrrr the chairrrr!
Fat Racist KKK Biker: Shut yer dang trap women, and suck my bird!
That's exactly what she did. Well, almost. In an odd turn of events, Drunkest Woman Ever got on her knees and positioned her mouth near Fat Racist KKK Biker's crotch. She didn't do anything as far as we could tell, but from afar, it must have looked like she was giving him head.
About 15 minutes later, she and the Fat Racist KKK Biker walked out together. I prefer not to think about what they may have done together. I'm just amazed that someone found her monstrous a** crack attractive.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Russian Rapist
One of my goals in life is to get raped by a hot chick.
I've written about this before. E-mailer Seth N. sent me this message over a year ago, and I've been saving it for the appropriate time:
Just wanted to say, I've blown 4 hours of at work reading your jerks of the week. I'm always disappointed in your stories when the hot girls never end up raping. Good luck and go find that hot girl rapist!
Easier said than done. I spent six years at Penn State, but it never happened. Consider the exchange I had with my friend Red Rod (her last name is Rodriguez and she has red hair, so I call her Red Rod even though she hates the nickname):
Me: It's my dream to get raped by a hot girl.
Red Rod: Good luck with that.
Me: No, really. I even leave my dorm room unlocked at night.
Red Rod: That could be dangerous.
Me: Danger shmanger. What if a hot chick wants to come and rape me? I don't want a locked door to prevent that from happening.
Red Rod: But it's not rape if you consent to it.
Me: What!? How dare you try to rob me of my dreams!?
I actually did have an unwelcomed, drunken visitor in my dorm room one night during my junior year, but that's another story for another time. And I actually did get date raped one night in State College, but that's yet another story for yet another time. Hey, I have to save some material for the Jerks of the Week book.
The Date Rape story did not involve a hot chick raping me, however. I was about to give up all hope when my friend Nora sent over the following e-mail:
I found this article and I immediately thought of you! Apparently, the key to getting raped is just to be a dumba**, as that is how this man sounds. Also, the article is really old, which I didn't realize. Enjoy!
If you're too lazy to click the link, a robber tried to steal some money from this Russian woman Olga's hair salon. Olga, 28, was a yellow belt in karate, so she was able to overpower the robber. She then locked him in the back room, handcuffed him to a radiator, popped tons of Viagra into his mouth and had her way with him the entire weekend.
1. I can't say I'm a fan of women with blurry faces. I don't mean that as a slight against the blurry-faced community, but I prefer to actually see the features of a woman's face. Still though, this Olga chick is hot, with her blond hair, tan skin and seemingly nice body. If I ever were to get raped by a blurry-faced person, I'd want it to be Olga.
2. This would-be robber is obviously heterosexually challenged (not that there's anything wrong with that). Seriously, you need Viagra to have sex with Olga all weekend? I could do that without the Viagra, I think.
3. I love how Olga gave him some cash after she was done with him. I wouldn't accept the money. "That's not necessary," I'd say. "Instead of getting paid, let's do this again next weekend."
4. Olga's town, Meshchovsk, sounded like the coolest place in the world - until I looked it up on Wikipedia and discovered that its coat of arms is three stalks of corn on a green background. Even if you can get raped by hot women, that's still pretty lame.
5. Not only did Olga rape this guy all weekend; she also gave him new jeans and made him food. I don't know about you, but she sounds like my ideal woman. In fact, I would love it if Olga flew over to America and became Mrs. WalterFootball.com.
I went to the Jersey Shore this past summer for my vacation. This year, I'm taking a trip to Meshchovsk, and I'm going to rob every hair salon until a certain hot, blurry-faced blonde rapes me all weekend.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
ESPN and NBC did a great job of shoving Spanish Heritage Month down our throats all September. While they were trying their hardest to be more "cultured" and more "worldly," all they were doing was being racist. They mentioned Spanish Heritage Month countless times in September, yet they've yet to even utter a word about Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month.
Since ESPN and NBC are clearly racist against Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals, I feel it is my duty to shove Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month down your throats.
History: Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals immigrated to America from the country of Half-Norway, Half-Korea about 150 years ago. King-Queen Magnus Kang III oppressed the people of Half-Norway, Half-Korea. He and his chancellor Matthew Millen Kim forced the public to shove kielbasas up their rear ends every single day.
The Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual public grew tired of this - they wished to try something besides kielbasas - and a lucky couple thousand were able to escape. They rode bisexual dolphins all the way to America. During this voyage, some Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals mated with the bisexual dolphins, creating a new race called Third-Norwegian, Third-Korean, Third-Dolphin Bisexuals.
Third-Norwegian, Third-Korean, Third-Dolphin Bisexual Heritage Month is celebrated in March.
American History: History textbooks tend to ignore this, but Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals invented the turnstile. Inventor Anders Sang-soo created a three-pronged device to turn and penetrate anuses for sexual pleasure. However, when he/she sold the contraption to an American company, it transformed it into the useless turnstiles we know and feel indifferent about today.
Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals also have had a profound impact in sports. Matt Millen VII, who is the descendant of the aforementioned kielbasa-loving chancellor, was the general manager of the Detroit Lions. Millen VII's career record with the team was 31-97, and when he was finally fired in September 2008, he left the franchise and the city both in ruin.
Introversion: Many Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals hide their identity. For instance, one Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual named Mengxin Wu, a spammer, Internet con-artist, sent the following e-mail to Mufasa Snow, of House Hussein, the First of His Name, King of the Iraqis and the First Men, Lord of the Middle East and Protector of the Realm, bastard son of Saddam Hussein and rightful heir to the Iraqi throne:
Notice how Mengxin Wu had to refer to himself as "Jack?" This is one of countless examples of how nmany Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals are ashamed of their heritage.
ESPN and NBC should be ashamed of themselves. Perhaps if they at least mentioned Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual History Month at least once, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals wouldn't be so introverted.
Sports: Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals do not have an official sport, but something that the natives like to do in the Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual communities is called the Running of the Hamsters.
The Running of the Hamsters is a practice that involves running in front of a small group (typically a dozen) of hamsters that have been let loose, on a course of a sectioned-off subset of a town's streets.
This is an extremely dangerous event, as more than 50 Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals have died over the past three years. Some of the deaths have been the result of trampling, while many Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals have perished while trying to shove hamsters up their butts for sexual pleasure. This practice is especially popular with the Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual youth, who have dubbed it "Hamstering."
Religion: Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals have a rich, deep, religious history. Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals believe that an entity named Lord Zarlox came to Earth 15,000 years ago and created everything. According to the Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual religion, Zarlox will come back to Earth in another 15,000 years to take his "children and hamsters" home, where all of his children will be able to freely pleasure themselves with the hamsters.
Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals do not attend places of worship. Instead, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals spend their Saturday evenings with family members. They each take turns rubbing Play-Doh all over their faces. The Play-Doh symbolizes the unity between Zarlox, the people and the hamsters.
It was also commonplace for Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals to drink Elmer's Glue after smearing Play-Doh all over their faces. This, however, resulted in many fatalities. Only orthodox Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals still drink Elmer's Glue each Saturday, but even they ingest only a shot.
Future: Help make Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month a more recognized event. Racist media entities such as ESPN and NBC have oppressed Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals for far too long. Please do your part, so Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexuals can come out of hiding and be proud of their wonderful history.