The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Nov. 9, 2016
Sometimes the American legal system fails us. Sometimes, NFL coaches make stupid hires. And sometimes, the two intertwine. Well, only in Philadelphia.
It took five years for the appellate court to find a verdict in the Jerry Sandusky case. The verdict is not what anyone wanted to hear. The former Penn State defensive coordinator who was charged with raping many little boys was found not guilty.
Chalk this one up to the lawyers. Desperate to win in court, Sandusky made an 11th-hour addition to his legal team. He hired Emmitt as his primary lawyer.
"Jerry Sanders call me and ask me if I want to be his lawyerman," Emmitt revealed. "I told Sanders that I has never been a lawyerman before, but he say that my word would make very confusion for the jerry who decide the verdict."
And confusion there was. The day before the ruling, Emmitt brought in a glove and showed it to the jury.
"If the glove do not fit, you must quit," Emmitt said.
Emmitt then had Sandusky try on this random glove, which did not fit. The jury gasped in bewilderment. So, despite the fact that the prosecutors had some of the children's stained clothing with Sandusky's DNA on it, the confused jury ruled in favor of Sandusky.
"Hehehehe hahahahaha now I can molest more little boys, and no one can sue me because that would be double jeopardy hehehehe hahahahaha," Sandusky laughed.
Emmitt confidently nodded his head.
"Double Jeopardy the thing on the gain show where the guy with the mustache ask question, only the answer worth quadriple the amount in Double Jeopardy," Emmitt incorrectly stated.
Hours after Sandusky was ruled not guilty, Eagles head coach Andy Reid hired him as his new defensive coordinator, displacing former janitor Yuri Suvarov.
"Hem, hem... uhh... second chances... uhh... hem, hem... umm... uhh... hem, hem... uhh... second chances... uhh... hem, hem... need to put the players in a better position... uhh... hem, hem... uhh... umm... second chances... uhh... umm... need to put the players in a better position... uhh... umm... time's yours..." Reid said.
Suvarov, who was approached by the media as he was packing his boxes, wasn't very pleased.
"I finally understands that team have four chance to make first down," Suvarov said. "I learn many thing in past two mons, so I very disappoint to be fired, to please."
Meanwhile, Philadelphia's fan base was split about the hiring. Protestors marched around Lincoln Financial Field with signs that read "We don't want child molesters!" and "Keep kids away from the Eagles' showers!"
The other portion was inexplicably supportive of the move.
"Sandusky's a great defensive coordinator; he deserves a second chance wooooooooooo!!!!!" yelled a drunken fan wearing Eagles garb and jean shorts.
We at the NFL Bible Network hate to editorialize, but we're sickened by this news. How Sandusky can commit a terrible crime and be awarded a second chance like this is beyond us. Why in the world would a classy football franchise like the Eagles do something like this?
SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, Nov. 12, 2016
Who would have thought that new Eagles defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky would be the one to report a heinous crime rather than committing one himself in the first week with his new team? Definitely not us.
It all happened Thursday afternoon. Practice was over, and all of the Philadelphia players were leaving the facility. Sandusky admittedly forgot his little black book with little boys' phone numbers in the locker room, so he went to retrieve it. As he was walking by the showers, he heard an odd sound. Sandusky peered in, and witnessed something despicable.
"Michael Vick was in the showers," Sandusky said, as his hands trembled. "I was about to say hi to him, but then I noticed that a 10-year-old dog was pressed against the shower wall. He was doing very naughty things to do it. I mean, if it were a 10-year-old boy hehehehe hahahahaha, it would have been OK by me, but no one should do something like that to a dog. Disgusting!"
Rather than save the dog from being raped, Sandusky bolted out of the locker room. Later that night, he visited Andy Reid's house.
"I tried to tell Coach Reid what was going on, but all he would do is mutter about second chances and putting players in a better position," Sandusky said.
Despite the fact that Sandusky thought he wasn't getting through to Reid, the head coach went to owner Jeffrey Lurie and general manager Howie Roseman about this incident. The two men then contacted the Eagles' security personnel, who after a 20-minute investigation, claimed that they found nothing wrong.
"We looked all over the place, and we found no traces of dog rape," said the security officer leading the investigation. "Yes, there was Michael Vick's semen on the floor, and we did find dog hair all over the shower, but this is not conclusive proof that anything happened!"
Apparently, all Vick would get was a slap on the wrist.
"We told Michael that he couldn't rape dogs in the shower anymore," Roseman said. "Raping dogs in the team locker room shower is bad, very bad. 'Bad Michael Vick,' I said. 'Bad! Bad! Bad!'"
Roger Goodell apparently wasn't very pleased about Philadelphia's cover-up.
"Misters Lurie and Roseman should have contacted the authorities - the real authorities," Goodell stated. "I'll make my decision on this in a few hours."
And that he did. Hours later, Goodell called a press conference, and announced that he was firing Joe Paterno from being a former Penn State football coach.
"I called Joe Paterno and told him that he was no longer a former Penn State football coach; that he was now just an ordinary man who never coached at Penn State," Goodell stated. "I don't have all the facts, but I'm sure Paterno knew more than he led on, and that is why he can no longer be a former Penn State football coach."
Penn State supporters once again congregated on Paterno's lawn, while other students threw rocks at police officers and fire trucks downtown. Why Goodell waited until the evening when half the student body was already drunk to make this announcement is beyond us.
We were able to talk to Paterno, however, thanks to our ninja skills, which allowed us to sneak into his house.
"Weh?" asked Paterno. "Who's Jerry Sandusky? Who's Michael Vick? You remind me of that red-headed idiot who came to my house one time and wanted somethin'. I'm tryin' to watch Matlock here. Go away!"
It would be nice if Goodell waited until he actually had more proof that Paterno knew of Michael Vick's dog raping, but like all media members, we must brainwash our readers and proclaim that Joe had to go.
Out of sheer boredom and the upcoming NBA draft has gotten me itching to make a new mock draft. Of course the NFL draft is a whole lot less predictable than the NBA draft, but also provides more success stories than the NBA draft. Again, I used schedules to determine each team's records and if you get upset with me just remember it's June and a whole lot can change by next April.