Emmitt on the Brink - Season 4: Week 10
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
EAGLES HIRE NEW DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Nov. 9, 2016
Sometimes the American legal system fails us. Sometimes, NFL coaches make stupid hires. And sometimes, the two intertwine. Well, only in Philadelphia.
It took five years for the appellate court to find a verdict in the Jerry Sandusky case. The verdict is not what anyone wanted to hear. The former Penn State defensive coordinator who was charged with raping many little boys was found not guilty.
Chalk this one up to the lawyers. Desperate to win in court, Sandusky made an 11th-hour addition to his legal team. He hired Emmitt as his primary lawyer.
"Jerry Sanders call me and ask me if I want to be his lawyerman," Emmitt revealed. "I told Sanders that I has never been a lawyerman before, but he say that my word would make very confusion for the jerry who decide the verdict."
And confusion there was. The day before the ruling, Emmitt brought in a glove and showed it to the jury.
"If the glove do not fit, you must quit," Emmitt said.
Emmitt then had Sandusky try on this random glove, which did not fit. The jury gasped in bewilderment. So, despite the fact that the prosecutors had some of the children's stained clothing with Sandusky's DNA on it, the confused jury ruled in favor of Sandusky.
"Hehehehe hahahahaha now I can molest more little boys, and no one can sue me because that would be double jeopardy hehehehe hahahahaha," Sandusky laughed.
Emmitt confidently nodded his head.
"Double Jeopardy the thing on the gain show where the guy with the mustache ask question, only the answer worth quadriple the amount in Double Jeopardy," Emmitt incorrectly stated.
Hours after Sandusky was ruled not guilty, Eagles head coach Andy Reid hired him as his new defensive coordinator, displacing former janitor Yuri Suvarov.
"Hem, hem... uhh... second chances... uhh... hem, hem... umm... uhh... hem, hem... uhh... second chances... uhh... hem, hem... need to put the players in a better position... uhh... hem, hem... uhh... umm... second chances... uhh... umm... need to put the players in a better position... uhh... umm... time's yours..." Reid said.
Suvarov, who was approached by the media as he was packing his boxes, wasn't very pleased.
"I finally understands that team have four chance to make first down," Suvarov said. "I learn many thing in past two mons, so I very disappoint to be fired, to please."
Meanwhile, Philadelphia's fan base was split about the hiring. Protestors marched around Lincoln Financial Field with signs that read "We don't want child molesters!" and "Keep kids away from the Eagles' showers!"
The other portion was inexplicably supportive of the move.
"Sandusky's a great defensive coordinator; he deserves a second chance wooooooooooo!!!!!" yelled a drunken fan wearing Eagles garb and jean shorts.
We at the NFL Bible Network hate to editorialize, but we're sickened by this news. How Sandusky can commit a terrible crime and be awarded a second chance like this is beyond us. Why in the world would a classy football franchise like the Eagles do something like this?
SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Saturday, Nov. 12, 2016
Who would have thought that new Eagles defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky would be the one to report a heinous crime rather than committing one himself in the first week with his new team? Definitely not us.
It all happened Thursday afternoon. Practice was over, and all of the Philadelphia players were leaving the facility. Sandusky admittedly forgot his little black book with little boys' phone numbers in the locker room, so he went to retrieve it. As he was walking by the showers, he heard an odd sound. Sandusky peered in, and witnessed something despicable.
"Michael Vick was in the showers," Sandusky said, as his hands trembled. "I was about to say hi to him, but then I noticed that a 10-year-old dog was pressed against the shower wall. He was doing very naughty things to do it. I mean, if it were a 10-year-old boy hehehehe hahahahaha, it would have been OK by me, but no one should do something like that to a dog. Disgusting!"
Rather than save the dog from being raped, Sandusky bolted out of the locker room. Later that night, he visited Andy Reid's house.
"I tried to tell Coach Reid what was going on, but all he would do is mutter about second chances and putting players in a better position," Sandusky said.
Despite the fact that Sandusky thought he wasn't getting through to Reid, the head coach went to owner Jeffrey Lurie and general manager Howie Roseman about this incident. The two men then contacted the Eagles' security personnel, who after a 20-minute investigation, claimed that they found nothing wrong.
"We looked all over the place, and we found no traces of dog rape," said the security officer leading the investigation. "Yes, there was Michael Vick's semen on the floor, and we did find dog hair all over the shower, but this is not conclusive proof that anything happened!"
Apparently, all Vick would get was a slap on the wrist.
"We told Michael that he couldn't rape dogs in the shower anymore," Roseman said. "Raping dogs in the team locker room shower is bad, very bad. 'Bad Michael Vick,' I said. 'Bad! Bad! Bad!'"
Roger Goodell apparently wasn't very pleased about Philadelphia's cover-up.
"Misters Lurie and Roseman should have contacted the authorities - the real authorities," Goodell stated. "I'll make my decision on this in a few hours."
And that he did. Hours later, Goodell called a press conference, and announced that he was firing Joe Paterno from being a former Penn State football coach.
"I called Joe Paterno and told him that he was no longer a former Penn State football coach; that he was now just an ordinary man who never coached at Penn State," Goodell stated. "I don't have all the facts, but I'm sure Paterno knew more than he led on, and that is why he can no longer be a former Penn State football coach."
Penn State supporters once again congregated on Paterno's lawn, while other students threw rocks at police officers and fire trucks downtown. Why Goodell waited until the evening when half the student body was already drunk to make this announcement is beyond us.
We were able to talk to Paterno, however, thanks to our ninja skills, which allowed us to sneak into his house.
"Weh?" asked Paterno. "Who's Jerry Sandusky? Who's Michael Vick? You remind me of that red-headed idiot who came to my house one time and wanted somethin'. I'm tryin' to watch Matlock here. Go away!"
It would be nice if Goodell waited until he actually had more proof that Paterno knew of Michael Vick's dog raping, but like all media members, we must brainwash our readers and proclaim that Joe had to go.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Fantasy Football Rankings - July 29
2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24
2015 NFL Mock Draft - July 23
2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1
NFL Free Agents
NFL Picks - Feb. 2
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