The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Nov. 23, 2018
Thanksgiving is a cherished holiday by the Lowe family. Actor Rob Lowe revealed as much in a commercial for the NFL's Together We Make Football initiative in 2013. Lowe discussed his family's annual Thanksgiving football game, which has been a tradition since 1976. This included a great moment in which he threw a touchdown pass to his son Matthew to win the game on a broken play.
"They're all broken plays," Lowe said, beaming at the camera.
The 2018 version of the Lowe Family Turkey Bowl was a bit different, as Lowe invited a couple of celebrities to play along with his family. This included Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant.
"I've always been a huge fan of Dez ever since he helped win the Lowe Family Fantasy League for me," Lowe said. "I reached out to him to see if he wanted to play football with my family on Thanksgiving, and he was genuinely excited to come hang out with us.
Lowe said it seemed like a long shot at first because Bryant is a member of the Cowboys, who always play on Thanksgiving. However, head coach Jason Garrett excused his No. 1 receiver from the matchup against the Titans.
"In all honestly, I'm not tired of Dez, as some have speculated," Garrett said. "Sure, he calls me at 3 a.m. some nights to complain that he doesn't get the ball enough, but I rather enjoy our one-sided chats on the phone. I'm merely allowing him to go play football with Rob Lowe because the Lowe Family Turkey Bowl is a storied tradition and an important part of our nation's history. It's been around since 1976, after all."
This version of the Lowe Family Turkey Bowl was a tight one. Rob's team trailed, 31-27, with about a minute remaining in regulation. Rob took the shotgun snap and began running around wildly because it was a broken play - they're all broken plays - until he set his feet and fired a bomb to Matthew in the end zone. Matthew leapt over three defenders and snagged the ball, coming down with both feet inbounds. It was an amazing score, and one that gave Rob's team the lead.
Rob and Matthew embraced gleefully, but their celebration was cut short when Bryant approached the two and shouted at them.
"Get me the damn ball!" Bryant yelled "I'm the best receiver on this team! Not Matthew! I'm here to prove I'm better than Matthew, so get me the damn ball, or we're going to lose the game!"
"But Dez, we're winning with about 50 seconds left," Lowe responded, seeming pretty miffed. "You already have two touchdowns on the afternoon, and besides, we're just having fun here."
"Fun Fun!? You think we're having fun!?" Bryant snapped. "Look at the box score. I have 72 yards. That's nothing! I'm 257 yards shy of Matthew's yards right now, but there's still time! There's still time for me to break the Lowe Family Turkey Bowl record for receiving yards, so get me the damn ball! Get me the damn ball, or we're going to lose this damn game!"
Rob and Bryant went on to argue with each other until DeMarcus Ware appeared out of nowhere - he apparently was excused from the Tennessee game as well - and grabbed Bryant. He pulled the receiver away and barked at him menacingly. Bryant appeared to calm down, but still had a look of frustration on his face as he stared at the updated box score on his phone.
"Only 257 more yards to go... only 257 more yards to go..." he muttered to himself as he paced back and forth.
Meanwhile, the opposing team, captained by Rob's bad-touch uncle, had the ball on its own 30-yard line with 50 seconds remaining. The quarterback, Matt Schaub, ran away from pressure and carelessly lofted the ball to a cornerback, who ran the other way for a touchdown. Rob's team was suddenly up by 10 points. Game over.
Rob and his players celebrated. His bad-touch uncle's side sulked away at first, but then saw something that brightened their spirits.
"Hey guys, Matt Schaub is injured! Hooray!" Rob's bad-touch uncle yelled, pointing to his quarterback, who was sprawled out on the grass.
"Thissss awesome, now heesss nooo gonnnaa thhorrwwo inntterseecctionssss anyyymmmore," slurred Rob's alcoholic cousin, referring to Schaub's streak of four pick-sixes in Lowe Family Turkey Bowls.
"Good riddance!" shouted Rob's transsexual brother-in-law. "Look, there's even blood! What a wuss!"
Rob's bad-touch uncle turned Schaub's body over, revealing a small knife lodged into Schaub's back.
"Yeah, someone murdered Schaub!" he yelled. "This is the best Lowe Family Turkey Bowl ever!"
The entire Lowe family rejoiced, but Bryant just shook his head in disbelief.
"This is messed up; Matt was a good guy," he said to himself. "He would've thrown me the ball more often than Rob, so I'm going to miss him."
Bryant called the authorities, and they arrived about a half hour later. Rob's bad-touch uncle disappeared with one of the younger nephews, but the rest of the Lowe family was still there, drinking and frolicking around Schaub's corpse.
"Somebody call me and telled me Matt Swab die?" Emmitt asked, approaching Rob, who then led Emmitt to the body. Rob explained what happened to Emmitt.
"This man real name is Matthew Swab Lloyd," Emmitt revealed. "I have concerment that somebody would try to kill him like the other guy who name Lloyd die too, but I assume that the bad guy just think this guy last name is Swab. But as the old sayin' go, when you assume you makin a A-S-S out of yourselves and myselves."
Emmitt went around, questioning each Lowe. After about an hour, he made the announcement that he would be taking both Bryant and Rob into custody.
"Dez Brian, I have some questionin' for you because you always yellin' at quarterback," Emmitt said. "And Rob Load, you say you a movie actor, but I can't remember what movie you play on, and the Interweb Web side IMDV do not load on my phone, so you gonna have to answer that to me at the station."
Bryant and Rob complained; with the former pointing out that he was the one who summoned the authorities in the first place, while the latter listed a number of films he has starred in. Emmitt, however, wouldn't have any of it.
"How do I know you tellin' the truthfulness?" Emmitt asked. "I need confirm on the IMDV Web side, which seem to work better in the station when somebody type it in for myselves."
Emmitt led Bryant and Rob away despite their pleas. The rest of the Lowe family continued to drink and rejoice. Meanwhile, a hooded figure observed from a distance.
"Another Lloyd down," he hissed. "And looks like Emmitt hasn't followed my instructions to stay away from this investigation. Guess that means Brandon will have to pay the price."
Rob's con-artist second cousin thought he saw the hooded man out of the corner of his eye. But by the time he turned his head around, the figure had vanished.
He thought about looking around for the cloaked figure to see who this mysterious person was and perhaps sell him some stolen jewelry, but the alcoholic cousin vomited all over his shoes.
"Ugh, not again!" the con-artist yelled. "You've been doing this every year ever since you became too old for our bad-touch uncle!"