The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Sept. 18, 2019
Emmitt and his friends couldn't believe it, but the college students had finally slain Donald Trump. And from the sound of it, there was no remorse from any of them.
"He deserved it!" cried one student who has completed 716 coloring books available in safe spaces. "He said mean things, none of which I actually heard him say, but he was mean and he deserved to die!"
"Yeah, totally!" agreed another college student, this one close to receiving a degree in lesbian martial arts despite being a heterosexual male. "Donald Trump hurt our feelings, so we had to kill him! This was beyond discussion! I'm all for freedom of speech, but he didn't agree with us, so we had to destroy him!"
"And now it's Emmitt's turn!" a third college student shouted; this one recently wrote an essay about how the 1 percent needs to pay each college student in America $500,000 every year. "He said all people who identify themselves as celery stalks need to be put into a rocket ship and sent to the moon!"
"I heard that he said all people who identify themselves as celery stalks need to be beheaded when there's a full moon!" screamed another college student who had such thick armpit hair that a colony of ants was living under each of her arms. "Let's kill him too because he doesn't agree with us!"
"Now wait a year, I mean seconds," Emmitt protested. "I never said any of those thing!"
"This is true," agreed Johnny Manziel. "I've been with him the entire time, and he never said anything like that."
"But CNN told us he said it, so it must be true!" cried a college student who had just begun majoring in Starbucks Coffee Flavors. "The media would never lie to us, especially when it comes to CNN and MSNBC. Only FOX News would ever lie! Johnny Manziel, you probably heard that on FOX News!"
"No, I've literally been with Emmitt every second for the past month!" Manziel shouted back. "He didn't say anything like that. Emmitt is not prejudiced against people who identify themselves as celery stalks."
"Then why did my college professor say it was true!?" argued a college student who took out a $100,000 college loan with no intention of ever paying it off. "If college professors say something is true, then it's definitely true because they are the most knowledgeable people in the world - except for the great Bernie Sanders!"
"All hail King Bernie! Feel the Bern!" they chanted in unison.
The college students marched toward Emmitt, eager to slay him with their wooden swords. Thanks to their inexplicable self-guilt, they hadn't acquired enough hearts to upgrade to the silver sword.
Emmitt froze. He had no idea how to handle this. On one hand, he needed to survive. On the other, he needed to nab a strategy guide the one disinterested college student was holding in order to locate the Mirror of Ra, which would reveal Hillary Clinton's true identity.
The college students brandished their swords, ready to slice through Emmitt's flesh, when a loud screech was heard in the distance. Something large was flying toward the crowd. Moments later, it became very apparent as to what exactly it was.
It was a dragon!
A silver-haired individual was riding the dragon, which accelerated toward everyone.
"Look, it's Daenerys Targaryen from Game of Thrones!" Warren Sapp yelped.
"Who Darrius Targarius?" Emmitt asked.
"It's Daenerys- no, wait," said Manziel. "It's- it's not a woman!"
The dragon flew closer to the college students, who began pelting the beast with fire arrows. They stupidly did not realize that the dragon was immune to flame.
The dragon engulfed the dumb college students, who cried in agony. Emmitt used this opportunity to nab the strategy guide. No one seemed to notice - they were either fleeing or being incinerated.
When all of the college students were dead or gone, the dragon landed. A silver-haired man jumped off the beast and greeted them in a charming British accent.
"Hello, my name is Milo Yiannopoulos, and I've come to help."
THE SEARCH FOR THE MIRROR OF RA
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Sept. 19, 2019
Milo Yiannopoulos just offered to help Emmitt and his friends, but he looked at them cautiously.
"Where's Daddy?" he asked.
"Who should we know these question?" Emmitt asked. "Your daddy the one who give birth to you so you should have his telephone number save on your telescope I mean telephone."
"No, not my biological father," Yiannopoulos replied. "Daddy - as in Donald Trump."
Johnny Manziel pointed to Trump's body. "The college students got him," he said.
Yiannopoulos shrieked and then sprinted toward his "daddy."
"No, Donald, no!" Yiannopoulos wailed. "I was too late! Too late!"
"What's this guy's deal?" asked Isaiah Crowell. "He's wearing a Five-O uniform with cut-off sleeves, so I have the urge to shoot him, but something's telling me that he's not real Five-O, and he just saved our lives, so I'm not sure if I should shoot him or not. Maybe, just to be safe?"
"Put the gun down, idiot," Warren Sapp snapped. "That's Milo Yiannopoulos, Donald Trump's other best friend besides Mark Foster from Step by Step."
"Screw Mark Foster!" Yiannopoulos bellowed, turning around. Tears were streaming down his face. "Mark Foster's no real friend. I was Daddy's best friend. My Daddy Alert Beacon sounded and I knew he was in trouble, but I was too late. Who are you people, and why was Daddy with you?"
The five men made camp, and Emmitt and his friends explained their plight.
"I see why Daddy was so desperate to help you," Yiannopoulos said. "And I sympathize with you, Emmitt. I, too, was exiled from Twitter for a few harmless jokes against the new black Ghostbuster."
"What do you has against Ernald Hudson?" Emmitt asked.
"Ernie Hudson? No, Emmitt," Yiannopoulos said. "I'm talking about Leslie Jones. There was a new Ghostbusters film featuring four women as the protagonists, and Leslie Jones was the black one."
Upon hearing those words, Emmitt vomited all over the fire, and Yiannopoulos had to ask his dragon to light another one.
"Why would WoodHolly, I mean Hollysmith, I mean... uhh... the place that make movie make such a stupid movie?" Emmitt asked.
"I don't know, Emmitt," Yiannopoulos replied. "But think about the world we're living in now - where people think you deserve to die if you say that you like to eat celery. Is it that unbelievable?
"Anyhow, I suggest that we turn in," Yiannopoulos continued. "Tomorrow, we will search for your Mirror of Ra."
The following morning, Yiannopoulos, Emmitt, Warren Sapp, Johnny Manziel and Isaiah Crowell tried to board the dragon. Unfortunately, their party could not contain more than four members, and considering that Sapp was in shark form, he had to remain behind.
"I'll do something else to help," Sapp yelled, as the other four departed.
Emmitt opened the strategy guide and quickly located the page that explained where the Mirror of Ra happened to be. It was in the upper-right hand corner of a two-by-two swamp, surrounded by mountains. Before long, they located this particular swamp.
Emmitt hopped off the dragon, trudged through the swamp, took two damage and searched the ground. And there it was - the Mirror of Ra.
"Guys, I founded the Millor of Ra!" Emmitt exclaimed.
The other three men celebrated, but their exuberance was quickly dashed. A large airship - one that dwarfed Yiannopoulos' dragon - hastily approached them. A man with a mustache holding a sausage link sneered at them.
"Finally found you, 100-percent USDA Men!" Matt Millen hissed.