The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, July 19, 2019
Emmitt and Ray Rice realized they'd have to come up with a plan to take down Kim Jong-un before he could carry out his threat to blow up America in retaliation for Tom Brady's Deflategate scandal. The two men went back to their hotel room to brainstorm, but failed to come up with any concrete ideas.
"There have to be a way to debacle Kim Johnson!" Emmitt exclaimed after about an hour of silence.
"But how!?" Rice shot back, clearly frustrated. "Kim Jong-un is very well protected, and it's not like he's never not in his office, since Robert Griffin III is apparently sleeping there."
The two men decided to turn in for the night, as a fresh start in the morning could help spawn some ideas. However, they quickly realized that there was just one bed in the room. This puzzled Rice, as he specifically asked for twin beds. They went down to the lobby to complain, but the concierge didn't provide much help.
"Sorry, our rooms have only one bed," he said. "And don't bother checking other hotels because they are all the same. Kim Jong-un implemented a law in which all rooms can only have one bed."
"That's stupid," Rice replied. "Why would he make a dumb law like that?"
"It is stupid," the concierge agreed. "But he instituted that law because he would often bring back the girlfriends he paid for to a hotel, and they'd want to sleep in different beds.
This way, they'd be forced to sleep with him. Not that he'd get any action, or anything, despite the money he gave them."
Emmitt and Rice agreed to sleep from head to toe, though that was a bit confusing for one of the men.
"Head to toes?" Emmitt asked. "What about the stomach, the neck and the heart? These are all very important organisms in the body."
Rice explained what had to be done, and before they knew it, they were both asleep. When they awakened the following morning, they found a mysterious note that was slipped under their door.
Emmitt and Ray,
I know what you're really doing here. I can help. Meet me in the hotel conference room at noon.
The two men discussed their options, but ultimately agreed that they had no choice. There was no real risk; if this happened to be a ploy by Kim Jong-un, he would have seized them in their hotel room.
Come noon, they entered the conference room. It was empty, save for a woman who sat at a table to the left of the entrance. She was facing them and smiling, and upon seeing her, Emmitt's heartbeat hastened. She was a very pretty brunette with tan skin, who happened to look like she was in her 30s. Rice, however, had a different reaction.
"Emmitt, it's a trap!" Rice exclaimed. "But don't worry! It's a female, so I can make sure she doesn't bother us, thanks to my fists of fury!"
"It's not a trap," the woman said, standing up and approaching them. "I'm Dianna Marie Russini, and I believe I can help your mission."
She reached out her hand, and Emmitt shook it. She shot a curious glance at Emmitt's hand, as it happened to be very clammy.
"Ah, sorry," Emmitt apologized. "I am just confuse. Very confuse. You say your name is Dianna Marie Rusinsky. But people can only has a first name and a last name, so how do you has three name? Which come first and which come last?"
"Some people have two first names," Rice said before Russini had a chance to respond. He looked at her cautiously. Russini tried to smile back to make him feel more comfortable, but it had the opposite effect. Rice clenched his fists, but did not attack her.
"Ah, well, maybe I will going to call myselves Emmitt Marie Smith!" Emmitt interjected, trying his best to make a joke. He laughed nervously until he realized that no one else thought it was funny.
"I can get close to Kim Jong-un for you," Russini said, ignoring Emmitt's failed attempt at humor. "I've been dating him for the past few months."
"Dating Kim Jong-un!?" Rice laughed, his fists no longer clenched. "Ha! Why would you date that loser?"
"For information, of course," Russini replied, shooting Rice a stern look. "It's what us female reporters do. It's how we make our living. Fortunately, I haven't had to sleep with him yet. He mentioned the one-bed rule, but I keep telling him that I have to get home before 10 p.m., or my carriage will turn into a pumpkin. He's now trying to write up a law that says carriages may not transform into pumpkins anymore.
"Anyway, Kim Jong-un keeps a key in his desk drawer," she continued. "It's the key to North Korea's nuclear facility. If I can nab it, and you enter the facility and destroy everything, he won't be able to destroy America."
Emmitt and Rice looked at each other and nodded. Now, it was Rice's turn to extend his hand. Russini shook it.
"Welcome to the team," he said.
DIANNA MARIE RUSSINI'S PLAN TO STEAL NORTH KOREA'S NUCLEAR KEY
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, July 19, 2019
Emmitt, Ray Rice and Dianna Marie Russini spent the afternoon going over their plan to steal the key to North Korea's nuclear facility.
"I'm going to head over at 9," she said. "I already told him I'd be there late because I have to wash my hair for five hours, and he said that would be OK as long as I cut off a locket of my hair and gave it to him for safekeeping."
"Wait a seconds..." Emmitt interrupted. "You have a locker in your hair? Where you put the key!?"
"That's locket; not locker," Russini corrected Emmitt. "So, anyway, once I get to his office, I'll make him some hot chocolate with marshmallows - he refuses to drink it without marshmallows - but I'll put a sedative in there. When he wakes up, I'll be long gone with the key."
"What about Robert Griffin?" Rice asked. "He's always hanging out in Kim Jong-un's office. Won't he tell his boss that you stole the key?"
"Don't worry about Robert," Russini replied. "I have something on him."
That night, Russini arrived at Kim Jong-un's office at 9, as planned. Upon seeing her, he stood up. He reached out his short arms to hug her, and Russini had to refrain from scowling at his sweaty, stinky armpits.
"It is shame you have to take so rong to wash your hair!" Jong-un said. "Did you bring me your rocket of hair!?"
Emmitt, who was listening in from the van via the bug Russini had in her purse, turned to Rice with a confused expression on his face.
"Do Donna Marie Rostini really have a rocket in her hair?" he asked. "First, she have a locker, now she have a rocket. How many thing can this woman fit into her hair!?"
Rice didn't respond; he simply just shook his head.
Meanwhile, back inside, Russini handed Jong-un a locket of her hair. He grabbed it out of her hands and smothered it into his face, sniffing it for about 30 seconds.
"So, what do you want to do tonight?" he asked. "How about we pray mini-gorf!?"
"I can't, sweetie," she replied, touching his shoulder, causing his 1-inch penis to become erect almost instantly. "Remember, my carriage will turn into a pumpkin at 10, so I have to be home by then."
"This is ridicurous!" Jong-un snapped, his "manhood" - if you want to be so generous - becoming his soft once again. "I armost ready to make it a raw that no carriage can turn into a pumpkin, especiarry as earry as 10 o'crock!"
"That could be great, sweetie," she said. "Maybe to calm you down, I can make some of your favorite hot cocoa?"
"OK, but I want it with marshmarrows!"
"Of course, sweetie. I'll just go make some right now."
Russini left the room and ventured toward the kitchen. Minutes later, she returned with the hot cocoa. She handed it to him, and after a few minutes, he was out cold. She quickly began scouring his desk for the nuclear key. Griffin, realizing this was all a ploy, stood up and confronted her.
"You tricked my boss, and now I'm going tell on you!" Griffin announced. Russini, expecting this, had the perfect retort ready.
"Robert, if you do that, I'm going to tweet out that I have inside info on you," she said, with his eyes widening. "I'm going to say that multiple sources told me that you suck at tweeting and that no one should follow you anymore."
Griffin looked like he was going to faint.
"No... you wouldn't do that..." he said, almost gasping for air.
"I won't do that, if you don't stop me or tell on me."
"Fine, fine, just please, for the love of God, don't hurt my reputation on Twitter!"
Russini rummaged around a bit more through an assortment of Pokemon and My Little Pony action cards, but she finally unearthed the key. She sprinted out of the building and met Emmitt and Rice at the van.
"Dianna, I'm glad you OK, but you shouldn't run so fast with a rocket in your hair!" Emmitt exclaimed.
"I have the key!" Russini said, ignoring Emmitt. "Now, let's destroy North Korea's nuclear facility!"