The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Dec. 22, 2015
It's only been four years, and Minnesota's new football stadium is already in shambles.
Built in 2012, the Zygi Wilf Awesome Mustache Coliseum was regarded as the NFL's premier outdoor stadium. Unfortunately, that all changed Monday night.
Of course, it all could have been avoided. On Monday afternoon, Percy Harvin had another episode of migraines and reported it to his head coach.
"These migraines were different," Harvin said. "Usually, I have headaches trying to figure out why WalterFootball.com calls me the Collard Kector. This time, I had a vision of our new stadium falling apart."
Hours later, after the Jets defeated the Vikings, head coach Rex Ryan was looking for a snack when he saw a hot woman walking around barefoot.
"Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!" Ryan exclaimed, jubilantly jumping up and down like a maniac.
Ryan's movements prompted an earthquake of 9.8 on the Richter scale, causing the Zygi Wilf Awesome Mustache Coliseum to collapse. The good news is that no one was hurt, save for Vikings corner Cedric Griffin, who tore his ACL as this was happening.
"Looks like I'm going to move this team to Los Angeles after all," said Wilf as he twirled his mustache.
With the Zygi Wilf Awesome Mustache Coliseum unplayable, Roger Goodell quickly moved Sunday's battle between the Patriots and Vikings to a new location.
"I considered the usual suspects - Indianapolis, Detroit, New Orleans, and so on," Goodell said. "But none of these locations would allow me to maximize profits. So, I opted for a brand new location to draw in an untapped fan base."
Goodell's choice? Antarctica.
"Do you know how many penguins live in Antarctica?" Goodell asked. "Do you? No, I was asking you guys? I see pictures all the time, and there seem to be millions of them. If only ten percent buy tickets and a jersey, it's major profits, baby!"
None of the players were excited about the prospect of playing near the South Pole. Quarterback Anthony Morelli was very disgruntled.
"No wanna go Antarca, no wanna go!" Morelli shrieked. "Eh yo, I look at picture on computer haha, uhh... picture of Antarca no have hot girl in bikini, eh yo, and no bar either! No bar with no drink! Huh? What place have no drink, eh yo!?"
Emmitt even had his reservations.
"When Roger Goldman first say we will be playin' in Antmerica, I assume we would be playin' in the North Pole next to Santa Claus' workshop," Emmitt said. "But someone told me that Antmerica in the Southern Homosphere, which is the furthest you can possibly be locationed away from Santa Claus and his deer with horn on the head."
We can understand Emmitt's frustration; no one wants to be far away from Santa on Christmas.
VIKINGS QUIT; PATRIOTS IMPROVE TO 15-0
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Dec. 28, 2015
Vikings punter Chris Kluwe took one glance at Ernest Shackleton Stadium in Antarctica, and quickly reached for his phone.
"Ernest Shackleton Stadium is totally unplayable and Roger Goodell is once again proving that he's a douche," Kluwe tweeted.
"Ground is solid frozen ice," Kluwe continued tweeting. "Players will get injured. Seriously injured. Some may even die."
Kluwe then described the environment.
"There are no uprights, pylons or yard markers," Kluwe kept tweeting. "There are penguins mating on the 30-yard line. There's a seal passed out at the 40.
"Oh wait," Kluwe quickly corrected himself. "That's not a seal; that's Pat Williams. See? One player injured already."
Kluwe, who was voted team captain five years ago for his keen playing field condition observational skills, held a team meeting prior to kickoff.
"Guys, I'm very concerned for my welfare," Kluwe said. "I know I only have to come on the field a couple of times today, but I could get injured. And you might get injured too. Plus, it's cold as balls and we're not going to the playoffs. I'm going to sit out. Who's with me!?"
Everyone, apparently. All 53 Vikings ruled themselves out just an hour prior to kickoff, including Adrian Peterson, who ruined tens of thousands of fantasy football championships.
With Minnesota quitting, the Patriots decided to hold a scrimmage. Anthony Morelli told the media afterward that he wanted to stay sharp for the team's season finale against the Jets next week.
"I want to take advantage of this atypical, lucid moment of sobriety," Morelli said. "Without any sort of libations on this uninhabited continent, my brain, completely liberated of alcohol, is functioning clearly and coherently, allowing me to hone my football skills and study game film."
Emmitt said he was pleased with the scrimmage.
"Our team look as sharp as a gypsy today," Emmitt said. "Even though we do not have a game against opponent today, I have very confident that our team would beat the Viking. I find it very shamefulness that D.J. Kluwe would twit on his computer phone that he very scaredfulness of playin' at the Charles Shackleford Stadium."
While the Patriots were content with the result of their trip to Antarctica, Roger Goodell was distraught after reviewing the substandard attendance figures.
"Counting the two penguins getting it on at the 30-yard line, the attendance was only two," Goodell grumbled. "And those penguins didn't even pay for their tickets; they were there before the ticket office opened!
"That's the last time we're ever having a game in Antarctica!" Goodell declared. "Penguins are idiots! Who wouldn't want to watch an NFL game? I guess those penguins think they're too good for my precious league. Well, I'll show them. There will never be an NFL game broadcasted in Antarctica ever again - no, not even the NFL Red Zone! Those penguins will be begging to see Scott Hanson's pretty face in no time!"
As great as the NFL Red Zone is, we doubt that Goodell's prediction will come true. Penguins are more into soccer.