The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Dec. 8, 2016
It was a dark and stormy night in Bristol, Conn. At least that's how Emmitt described it to us when he stormed into the NFL Bible Network offices, with beads of sweat on his brow. The former New England Patriots' head coach, and current ESPN analyst, lawyer, psychologist and poet described a series of events that occurred Tuesday night that has us baffled.
Emmitt was in his den, watching an episode of Eating Cereal with the Stars - a reality show that he won two years ago - when he dozed off. He woke up hours later, and everything had changed.
"Everything did a crazy 360," Emmitt said. "My son, Emmitt Smith IV the Third started cursin' bad curses at me and have a circle of hair around his face, it called a goat head, I think. Then the milk man who also suddenly have a goat head come and smash the milk bottle on the door on the front of the house. Even the bird in the tree singin' song of evilness with goat head on the face."
Emmitt shrugged it off and went into ESPN headquarters, where he espied Chris Berman and Tom Jackson, both donning unusual goatees, rehearsing highlights. It went something like this, according to Emmitt:
Chris Berman: Another touchdown pass for Drew "when he farts, there's a stinky" Brees!
Tom Jackson: Muhahahahahahaha!!!
Chris Berman: And that touchdown goes to Lance "I want to look at gay porn a little bit" Moore.
Tom Jackson: Muhahahahahahaha!!!
Chris Berman: And now it's up to Tim Tebow to make a comeback, which means there's a 100-percent chance the Saints are going to win because Tebow is 0-98 in fourth-quarter comeback attempts!
Tom Jackson: Muhahahahahahaha!!!
The goatees Berman and Jackson were sporting were peculiar to Emmitt. Berman's references seemed a bit evil, which made Emmitt more suspicious. But Tebow unable to make any fourth-quarter comeback attempts?
"These are impossibles!" Emmitt exclaimed.
Emmitt continued to watch, as an interview with Tebow aired immediately following the highlights of New Orleans' victory.
"I have the worst teammates in the world, and they were completely at fault yet again," smirked Tebow, who was also sporting a goatee. "I'd just like to thank my lord and savior Satan for giving me this opportunity to play with such bums."
Emmitt was so startled that he knocked over a pile of Mike Ditka's mustache combs. Berman and Jackson finally noticed Emmitt's presence and seemed to realize that he didn't belong in this realm because he didn't have a goatee.
"Get Emmitt 'Black' Smith!" Berman shouted.
Emmitt was faster than all of Berman's goons, but when he reached the woods, he tripped over a goateed squirrel and fell flat on his head. When he came to hours later, everything was back to normal.
"It went back around in a 360 again," Emmitt said. "All the goat head was gone, birds not singin' evil song from the tree hands and Tim Tebone makin' fourth-quarter comeback again."
Was it all a dream, or did Emmitt really open a door to an evil parallel universe? I guess we'll never know... wait a second... Tim Tebow just walked into our office, and he has a peculiar goatee on his face...
EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, Dec. 10, 2016
It took only 24 hours for there to be complete mayhem. When a goateed Evil Tim Tebow showed up to our offices late Wednesday night and proclaimed that he would destroy the world, all hell broke loose.
Tens of thousands of people jumped off buildings, shouting, "Why Tim Tebow, why!?" The Dow dropped 9,000 points Thursday afternoon. Fires engulfed cities, as buildings collapsed. And worst of all, Evil Tim Tebow announced that he would no longer make any improbable fourth-quarter comebacks.
"Muhahahahaha, I will lose every game," Evil Tim Tebow bellowed. "And I will no longer circumcise any babies for free! I will charge $200 per circumcision! Muhahahahahaha!"
There was only one person who could help us - the one who opened the door to the evil parallel universe in the first place.
"When I hear that Tim Tebone chargin' $200 for circumference, I say to myself, 'Emmitt this Tim Tebone not the Tim Tebone you have knowned before!'"
But what could Emmitt possibly do? How do you stop a man who loses in the fourth quarter each week; a man who worships Satan; a man who charges $200 per circumcision?
"This evil parallelogram universe start at the scened of the crime, so why not go back to the scened of the crime?" Emmitt asked rhetorically.
When Emmitt said this, it all became clear. The door to the evil parallel universe opened when Emmitt was watching Eating Cereal with the Stars in his den. If he could lure Evil Tim Tebow into his house and make him watch Eating Cereal with the Stars , perhaps this abomination would go back to where he came from.
But how do you lure an evil, goateed quarterback to your house?
"I tolded Tim Tebone that my team in my house down six point in the fourth quarter and need quarterback to make comeback," Emmitt said. "Then I say that the losin' squad get to circumferencesize a lot of baby when he lose, and Evil Tim Tebone eyes light up like... uhh... bright light."
Evil Tim Tebone... sorry, Evil Tim Tebow took the bait.
"If I can charge $200 for circumcising babies, imagine what I can acquire for circumferencesizing babies! Muhahahaha!" Evil Tim Tebow laughed menacingly. "Finding the radius, and multiplying it by two and then Pi is much easier than snipping off part of a penis!"
When Evil Tim Tebow arrived at Emmitt's estate, he was immediately grabbed by Willis McGahee and dragged to the den, where Eating Cereal with the Stars was already on TV.
"Now everyone will see that the Broncos won because of me!" McGahee shouted as he tied Evil Tim Tebow up with a rope.
After shoving a dozen pills of Advil PM down Evil Tim Tebow's mouth, Emmitt and McGahee watched eagerly. Twenty minutes later, Evil Tim Tebow fell asleep and then vanished into thin air.
Everything is now back to normal. Cities are being rebuilt. Babies are being circumcised for free. And best of all, the real Tim Tebow is winning games in the fourth quarter.
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