Emmitt on the Brink - Season 4: Week 14
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
EMMITT OPENS DOOR TO PARALLEL UNIVERSE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Dec. 8, 2016
It was a dark and stormy night in Bristol, Conn. At least that's how Emmitt described it to us when he stormed into the NFL Bible Network offices, with beads of sweat on his brow. The former New England Patriots' head coach, and current ESPN analyst, lawyer, psychologist and poet described a series of events that occurred Tuesday night that has us baffled.
Emmitt was in his den, watching an episode of Eating Cereal with the Stars - a reality show that he won two years ago - when he dozed off. He woke up hours later, and everything had changed.
"Everything did a crazy 360," Emmitt said. "My son, Emmitt Smith IV the Third started cursin' bad curses at me and have a circle of hair around his face, it called a goat head, I think. Then the milk man who also suddenly have a goat head come and smash the milk bottle on the door on the front of the house. Even the bird in the tree singin' song of evilness with goat head on the face."
Emmitt shrugged it off and went into ESPN headquarters, where he espied Chris Berman and Tom Jackson, both donning unusual goatees, rehearsing highlights. It went something like this, according to Emmitt:
Chris Berman: Another touchdown pass for Drew "when he farts, there's a stinky" Brees!
Tom Jackson: Muhahahahahahaha!!!
Chris Berman: And that touchdown goes to Lance "I want to look at gay porn a little bit" Moore.
Tom Jackson: Muhahahahahahaha!!!
Chris Berman: And now it's up to Tim Tebow to make a comeback, which means there's a 100-percent chance the Saints are going to win because Tebow is 0-98 in fourth-quarter comeback attempts!
Tom Jackson: Muhahahahahahaha!!!
The goatees Berman and Jackson were sporting were peculiar to Emmitt. Berman's references seemed a bit evil, which made Emmitt more suspicious. But Tebow unable to make any fourth-quarter comeback attempts?
"These are impossibles!" Emmitt exclaimed.
Emmitt continued to watch, as an interview with Tebow aired immediately following the highlights of New Orleans' victory.
"I have the worst teammates in the world, and they were completely at fault yet again," smirked Tebow, who was also sporting a goatee. "I'd just like to thank my lord and savior Satan for giving me this opportunity to play with such bums."
Emmitt was so startled that he knocked over a pile of Mike Ditka's mustache combs. Berman and Jackson finally noticed Emmitt's presence and seemed to realize that he didn't belong in this realm because he didn't have a goatee.
"Get Emmitt 'Black' Smith!" Berman shouted.
Emmitt was faster than all of Berman's goons, but when he reached the woods, he tripped over a goateed squirrel and fell flat on his head. When he came to hours later, everything was back to normal.
"It went back around in a 360 again," Emmitt said. "All the goat head was gone, birds not singin' evil song from the tree hands and Tim Tebone makin' fourth-quarter comeback again."
Was it all a dream, or did Emmitt really open a door to an evil parallel universe? I guess we'll never know... wait a second... Tim Tebow just walked into our office, and he has a peculiar goatee on his face...
EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Saturday, Dec. 10, 2016
It took only 24 hours for there to be complete mayhem. When a goateed Evil Tim Tebow showed up to our offices late Wednesday night and proclaimed that he would destroy the world, all hell broke loose.
Tens of thousands of people jumped off buildings, shouting, "Why Tim Tebow, why!?" The Dow dropped 9,000 points Thursday afternoon. Fires engulfed cities, as buildings collapsed. And worst of all, Evil Tim Tebow announced that he would no longer make any improbable fourth-quarter comebacks.
"Muhahahahaha, I will lose every game," Evil Tim Tebow bellowed. "And I will no longer circumcise any babies for free! I will charge $200 per circumcision! Muhahahahahaha!"
There was only one person who could help us - the one who opened the door to the evil parallel universe in the first place.
"When I hear that Tim Tebone chargin' $200 for circumference, I say to myself, 'Emmitt this Tim Tebone not the Tim Tebone you have knowned before!'"
But what could Emmitt possibly do? How do you stop a man who loses in the fourth quarter each week; a man who worships Satan; a man who charges $200 per circumcision?
"This evil parallelogram universe start at the scened of the crime, so why not go back to the scened of the crime?" Emmitt asked rhetorically.
When Emmitt said this, it all became clear. The door to the evil parallel universe opened when Emmitt was watching Eating Cereal with the Stars in his den. If he could lure Evil Tim Tebow into his house and make him watch Eating Cereal with the Stars , perhaps this abomination would go back to where he came from.
But how do you lure an evil, goateed quarterback to your house?
"I tolded Tim Tebone that my team in my house down six point in the fourth quarter and need quarterback to make comeback," Emmitt said. "Then I say that the losin' squad get to circumferencesize a lot of baby when he lose, and Evil Tim Tebone eyes light up like... uhh... bright light."
Evil Tim Tebone... sorry, Evil Tim Tebow took the bait.
"If I can charge $200 for circumcising babies, imagine what I can acquire for circumferencesizing babies! Muhahahaha!" Evil Tim Tebow laughed menacingly. "Finding the radius, and multiplying it by two and then Pi is much easier than snipping off part of a penis!"
When Evil Tim Tebow arrived at Emmitt's estate, he was immediately grabbed by Willis McGahee and dragged to the den, where Eating Cereal with the Stars was already on TV.
"Now everyone will see that the Broncos won because of me!" McGahee shouted as he tied Evil Tim Tebow up with a rope.
After shoving a dozen pills of Advil PM down Evil Tim Tebow's mouth, Emmitt and McGahee watched eagerly. Twenty minutes later, Evil Tim Tebow fell asleep and then vanished into thin air.
Everything is now back to normal. Cities are being rebuilt. Babies are being circumcised for free. And best of all, the real Tim Tebow is winning games in the fourth quarter.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Fantasy Football Rankings - March 7
2014 NFL Mock Draft - March 5
2014 NBA Mock Draft - March 5
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - March 3
2015 NFL Mock Draft - March 2
NFL Picks - Feb. 2
© 1999-2013 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
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