"He was back to a 1 p.m. kickoff for the first time in a couple of weeks, and he predictably rebounded."
Yeah... you don't get to say "predictably," Walt. You predicted the Bengals to flail again. You predicted the Rams to cover the seven. You predicted Dalton's "late-season swoon" to continue. You were dead wrong, and you can't even admit it.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Jan. 18, 2016
Al Davis has always hated three things: Pete Rozelle, slow players and the living. We can now add a fourth item to that list - the New England Patriots.
Oakland and New England will square off in the AFC Championship this upcoming Sunday for the third consecutive year. Here's how each team got there:
Patriots 56, Colts 0
The good news - the Patriots were able to vanquish the Peyton Manning-less Colts. The bad news - quarterback Anthony Morelli announced that this would be his final year as an NFL quarterback.
"Haha eh yo, izz been good ride, but now izz time to go, eh yo," Morelli said.
When asked why his time was up, Morelli looked confused. After about five minutes, he was finally able to put a semi-coherent sentence together.
"Uhh... haha Mallett from other team good guy haha... huh?" Morelli said. "We go... we go business together haha, eh yo."
Mallett, who has filled in pretty poorly for an injured Manning this year despite his team's second-round playoff appearance, also issued a confusing statement.
"Derr... go into business with dat guy derr..." Mallett said.
As it turns out, Morelli and Mallett plan on starting a Drug and Drink emporium. Morelli will supply the booze, while Mallett will be in charge of all drugs and related paraphernalia. Of course, their headquarters will be in California, making their venture legal.
As for the game, the Patriots swiftly dispatched the Colts, thanks to some inside information. Per reports, Emmitt asked Morelli to trick Mallett into giving the Patriots his playbook. Mallett quickly obliged in exchange for some medical marijuana.
Though he was thrilled with the victory, Emmitt said that the result was bittersweet because of Morelli's decision.
"Anthony Morgan not only my startin' runnin back, but he become a very deep friend for myselves," Emmitt said. "People say that the enemy of your enemy is your friendship. But Morelli was my friend who do not have many enemy, so the friend of my friend is also my friend."
We thought about informing Emmitt that he screwed up yet another proverb, but he started crying and we didn't want to interrupt the moment.
Raiders 210, Chiefs 0
When the Raiders lost Glandor earlier in the year, everyone wrote them off. Without their 14-foot, 10-inch, 1,750-pound lab experiment, Oakland was just another mediocre team.
As we all learned, you can never count out Al Davis.
A week after losing Glandor to a slower 40 time, Davis traveled deep into the underworld for an audience with the dark lord. A couple of days later, Davis emerged with a new football player.
Meet Boris. Boris stands at 66 feet and 6 inches tall. He weighs 66,666 pounds. And if you think he runs a 40-yard dash in 0.66, guess again - his time is 0.01.
This game was over at the coin flip. Boris, Zach Miller and Rolando McClain met three of Kansas City's 53 Tim Tebow clones at midfield. The following exchange occurred:
Tebow Clone No. 2: I call tails. Tails never fails!
Official Jerome Boger: Jeezth Chritthh he called tailth! Tailth gentlemen! Tailth!!!
As Boger tossed the coin, Boris snatched it in mid-air and ate it. Boger crapped his pants. The Tebow clones, meanwhile, joined together once again to form Mega Tebow.
Unfortunately for the Chiefs, this tactic didn't work this week.
"RRRRAWWWRRRRRRRRR BORIS HATE GOOD GUY FOOTBALL PLAYER RAAWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!" Boris yelled.
Boris scooped up the Mega Tebow and punted him out of the stadium.
"RAWWRRRRRRRRR BORIS SCORE TOUCHDOWN NOW RAAAAAAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!" Boris exclaimed.
And that he did. Thirty touchdowns later, Al Davis pulled Boris in favor of Kyle Boller. Of course, he could have used anyone as a backup quarterback; with all of the Tebow clones gone, the Chiefs didn't have any more players.
So, how are the Patriots going to stop Boris? Emmitt was befuddled.
"I use to watch a television program on the television box call Rocky Bullwinkle," Emmitt said. "In the show, there was a bull name Rocky and a horse name Winkle. Together, they fought two Russian drycleaner name Boris and Natashahead. Unfortunately, we do not have a bull or a horse to defeat this big Boris."
Once again, we refrained from interrupting Emmitt. Like him, we're at a loss. This could finally be the year that the Raiders knock off the Patriots.