The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Sept. 6, 2016
Emmitt didn't stay retired for long.
Following last year's undefeated season and Super Bowl victory over the Chicago Bears, Emmitt announced his retirement, alerting the media that he wanted to "ride off into the sun rise." However, after months of idly sitting at home and doing nothing, Emmitt decided that it was time to explore new career opportunities.
His first stop was at FOX News headquarters. Emmitt was a guest on several FOX News programs five years ago, so that avenue seemed promising, at least at first.
"FOX News very difficultness," Emmitt admitted. "I thought they would ask me questions like, 'Do you think Barack Obama doin' good job?' or 'Do you think homosexual should have abortion?' Instead, they ask me very difficultness like 'What is my thoughts on economy.' I do not even know nor have heard of anybody who name is Economy. I ask if Economy the name of one of the vice president, and they all laugh at me."
With FOX News out, Emmitt's next option would allow him to use some of his athleticism. Note the word "some." Emmitt applied to be a yoga instructor, but that didn't last very long.
"I show up to yoga class and everybody dress in athletics with a rug in their hand, but all I have is a spoon," Emmitt said. "I then asked the whole class where can I find the yogurt. They say there is no yogurt in yoga class, only exercise, but then I ask, 'Why is this called yoga class if it do not have any yogurt, it is misadvertisement?' But then they all laugh at me."
So, no news analysis or yoga instruction - why not civil service? Emmitt drove over to the local fire department to offer some advice to the firemen.
"I was stayin' up all night, gettin' burned by the midnight oil when I remember an old sayin' someone told me a long time ago. Sometime you have to fight fire with fire. So, why do the firemen shoot water out from the hose? They should shoot fire out of the hose to fight the fire with fire!"
Emmitt's stay at the local firehouse was a brief one. The firemen laughed at Emmitt's suggestion for a good 10 minutes, and then asked him to leave.
"They gonna be very sorry one day," Emmitt lamented. "One day there gonna be a big fire, so big you don't even know how big it's gonna be. But the water will not work, so I will show up with a box of fire, and throw the box of fire into the big fire, and then the fire gonna be distinguished, and then I'm gonna shake Barack Obama's arm and the vice president Economy's hand in the White House for savin' everybody."
We'd like to see Emmitt find a new job, but we're really hoping that he doesn't show up to a massive blaze with a box of fire in his hands.
EMMITT BACK WITH OLD EMPLOYERS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Sept. 9, 2016
Emmitt is back with his old employers. But don't get excited, New England fans - Emmitt has signed a contract with ESPN; not the Patriots.
"We're very excited to have Emmitt back with us," said an ESPN spokesperson. "There was some speculation that we fired Emmitt several years ago for his poor grammar, but that's simply not true. Emmitt stepped down on his own accord. Here at ESPN, we don't care about silly things like grammar. If someone coached or played in his particular sport, we will hire them, no matter what."
Emmitt will reprise his role on Sunday NFL Countdown. ESPN was searching for new analysts because it once again expanded the show.
"Back in 2011, we expanded our Sunday NFL Countdown from two to three hours," said the same ESPN spokesperson. "But three hours is not enough. Nor is four, or five, or even six. We plan on starting each Sunday NFL Countdown show the Thursday night before each Sunday's games. This means Sunday NFL Countdown is now a 63-hour program!"
Because Chris Berman, Tom Jackson and the rest of the analysts can't be asked to stay up for 63 consecutive hours, ESPN made several hires. Along with Emmitt, ESPN inked Eric Mangini, Shannon Sharpe, Matt Millen, Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Philip Rivers and several others to long-term contracts.
Emmitt should feel comfortable. He's worked with Berman and Jackson before, while Mangini and Sharpe coached under him with the Patriots.
"I'm very excitement to work with Chris Berming and Todd Jackson again," Emmitt said. "I was also very surprise to learn that Eric Mangina and Sterlin' Sharpe gonna be workin' with me at ESPM."
Mangini was asked about Emmitt, but his focus was elsewhere.
"Emmitt? Who the hell is Emmitt?" Mangini asked. "The important thing is that Erin Andrews won't return my calls even though she's my almost girlfriend. I sat outside her house for days, waiting for her to come out, but the mailman told me that she practically lives at ESPN because she's so busy there, so that's why I took this job - to be closer to my almost girlfriend."
"qqefiho 34g8 hoa ksd bo4g ovdn ofsow ghw wgorwovndsln orwg g w v," Sharpe agreed.
Erin, however, didn't sound too pleased.
"Ugh, I specifically told ESPN not to hire that fat kid again," Erin sneered. "Why does he keep calling me, and how did he even get my number? I don't have time for losers like him."
We weren't able to talk to any of ESPN's other hires prior to our print deadline, save for Peyton Manning, who eagerly made himself available to us.
"I am very happy to be with ESPN," Manning revealed. "Do you know what else makes me happy? DirecTV. You can get Sunday NFL Ticket for free if you sign up within the next 48 hours. When you call up, use the promo code 'Peyton' to save $5 off your order. Don't just watch TV, DirecTV."
Why do we get the feeling that Peyton is earning more money than his ESPN contract is worth?
I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!! WALT WAS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUCK IT LOSER SON!!! YALL THINK YO HOT @#$@ YOU AINT @#$@, I'M A BADASS ALPHA MALE SON!!!!!! I SHOULD BE GIVING AWAY FREE BETTING INFO SO YO LOSERS CAN MAKE SOME DOUGH, THIS POSER AINT @#$@ SON