The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Dec. 17, 2015
Why does it seem like the Eagles have a different controversial player leading the league in Pro Bowl voting each year?
It all started back in 2010, when Michael Vick won the Pro Bowl balloting just a few years after electrocuting, hanging and drowning dogs. The fact that Vick drowned dogs and took bets on how long they would last didn't bother the populace.
Last year, John Wayne Gacy took the honor of leading all players in Pro Bowl voting even though Vick drowned him early in the season in an attempt to save a little boy from being Gacy's 34th murder victim. Vick has since been scorned by fans who believed that Gacy deserved a second chance.
This season, a new player leads the NFL in Pro Bowl voting. It's none other than Osama bin Laden, Philadelphia's new starting wide receiver.
Eagles fans initially were against the bin Laden signing, but that all changed after the renowned terrorist held a press conference.
"I'm sorry I did all those bad things," bin Laden said. "I just want a second chance. I'm a different person now, I swears. Yadda yadda yadda, I'd love to play for the Eagles."
Ever since bin Laden uttered those words, he has become a fan favorite. On an ESPN.com poll, 95 percent of the voters said that they were rooting for the ex-terrorist. Four percent were undecided. Only a handful of people, including WalterFootball.com owner Walter Cherepinsky, were against bin Laden.
"Don't people realize how evil WR Terrorist is?" Cherepinsky wrote on his Web site. "I'll never support WR Terrorist, OL Murderer or QB Dog Killer, no matter how many pieces of hate mail I get for it."
It appears as though Cherepinsky is going to be alone on this one yet again. Despite logging just four receptions in 13 games, bin Laden has already received his first sponsorship offer with Nissan.
"Uhh... I'm glad... hem, hem... that Osama is getting... uhh... a second chance," said Andy Reid while clutching a cheesesteak in each hand. "Osama's a good guy... uhh... hem, hem... and good guys deserve a second chance... hem, hem..."
With an army of ex-convicts at their disposal, the 11-2 Eagles have every right to be confident going into their matchup against the Patriots. Sal Alosi, the team's new strength and conditioning coach, guaranteed a victory for Philadelphia.
"The Eagles are gonna win RAWR!" Alosi exclaimed. "If the Pats are winning, I'm gonna hurt one of their players RAWR!"
Even Emmitt expressed concern about Sunday's game.
"The Eagle have the leader in the Proud Bowl voting," Emmitt said. "This have very concern about me. Osama Benjamin have only four catches on the year this season, but all four catching have very importance in the game that they were at."
Regarding Alosi's threats, however, Emmitt was more confident that his team would flex its muscles.
"Sal Acorn probably plannin' on trippin' somebody," Emmitt revealed. "If that happen, you can bet your bottom dollar or bottom five dollar that the players on our teams are gonna' fight back with revengeance."
If that's the case, the Patriots better be careful. The Eagles certainly have their fair share of players who have a history of violence.
PATRIOTS ESCAPE DIRTY ATTACKS FROM EAGLES
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Dec. 21, 2015
The Patriots escaped three separate attacks from the Eagles on Sunday night to improve to 14-0.
New England opened the game on an 80-yard touchdown from Anthony Morelli to Wes Welker. Morelli, completely drunk out of his mind, fired the ball as hard as he could downfield. Fortunately, an Eagles defender slipped, allowing Welker to waltz into the end zone unscathed.
And it was all downhill from there for the Eagles.
Down 7-0, Eagles strength and conditioning coach Sal Alosi panicked.
"The Patriots will pay for scoring on my Eagles, RAWR!" Alosi bellowed.
Alosi ran over to Morelli and attempted to trip him. Morelli, a veteran of drunken fights - particularly against small Asian teenagers on wintry nights at State College, Pa. - noticed Alosi's presence prior to the attempted trip.
"Eh yo, haha, guy try trip me and make me fall downs haha, eh yo!" Morelli exclaimed. "Uhh... now I punch guy hard!"
Morelli pummeled Alosi as hard as he could. Alosi relented after only five seconds.
"That's not fair, that's not fair, rawr!" Alosi cried out. "You're only allowed to use your feet in a fight, rawr."
Umpire Garth Defelice opted not to eject Morelli.
"The quarterback is not disqualified from this game," Defelice announced. "He hit the coach on purpose, but that's irrelevant. If he would have hit me by accident, he'd be gone."
With Alosi limping off to the locker room, Eagles wide receiver Osama bin Laden took matters into his own hands.
"I will now unleash the atomic bomb I buried under the stadium!" Bin Laden shouted. "The Eagles and Nissan are idiots for giving me a second chance, for I have fooled you all! Once, I push this button, this stadium and everyone within a 15-mile radius will be blown to smithereens!"
Bin Laden pushed the button, but there was no explosion. Instead, a song was faintly heard from beneath the field. Only the words "Erin Andrews will you be my real girlfriend instead of almost girlfriend" could be heard.
"I found that contraption underground before the game," offensive coordinator Eric Mangini said. "I thought I could turn it into a juke box to play the mix tape I recorded for my almost girlfriend Erin Andrews."
With bin Laden's plan foiled, the ex-terrorist threw a smoke bomb and seemingly vanished into thin air. Ironically, he received more Pro Bowl votes Sunday night than any other day.
Next, quarterback Michael Vick attempted to harm the Patriots.
"They finally allowed me to own a dog, muhahaha!" Vick exclaimed. "Now I can show the Eagles my gratitude for giving me a second chance. Sick those New England Patriots, boy, or I'll drown you in my hot tub!"
Vick whistled his dog over and pointed toward Philadelphia's sideline. Instead, the dog began attacking Vick, for the dog was none other than super hero wolf-man Mister Compassion Chuck Norris.
"I was raised by wolves until I was 18 years old, and I am married to a wolf!" Mister Compassion Chuck Norris announced. "No one will ever hurt my fellow canines again, for I am Mister Compassion Chuck Norris, bank robber and black-ops mercenary extraordinaire!"
Mister Compassion Chuck Norris took out a pair of jumper cables out of his pocket and zapped Vick a few times. Vick then ran out of the stadium, shoving Defelice out of the way in the process.
"The player pushed me!" Defelice whined. "Game over! Game over! Eagles lose automatically! No one can push me ever!"
Emmitt breathed a sigh of relief afterward.
"The way we overcome all the attack by the Eagle today is a testicle to how strong mind our team have," Emmitt said. "Anthony Moreland expert at drunk brawlin', Eric Mangina great at tamperinging with the bomb after somebody set up us the bomb, and I do not know who the Mister Compass Chuck Morgan come from, but I owe him a debt of gratification."
Indeed. After today, there won't be many teams willing to use dirty tactics against the Patriots.
so funny about Starbucks and so true. I especially like the part if kucking a snowflake when they are down. I will say this - One of the Starbucks shops in my town is open at 4:30 a.m., which is a Godsend for those infrequent really early work days.