The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Oct. 4, 2016
Call it the Curse of Hank Williams. Call it the Utter Stupidity of ESPN. Either way, the world-wide leader in sports has canned yet another Monday Night Football pre-game performer.
It all started five years ago when Hank Williams said that former U.S. President and current U.S. Overlord Barack Obama playing golf with the republican John Boehner would be like Adolf Hitler hanging out with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
Here at the NFL Bible Network, we're fair and balanced, so we can freely criticize the biased, nut-job media and its ignorant followers for overreacting to Williams' comments. Williams did not compare Obama to Hitler; if anything, he was comparing Obama to Netanyahu; both graduated from Ivy League schools.
Williams' intent wasn't to compare Obama to anyone; he was simply making an analogy that Obama and a republican representative are polar opposites and enemies, much like Hitler and Netanyahu. He could have said that Obama and Boehner playing golf together would be like the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote chilling one afternoon. But that's exactly what Justin Timberlake did the following year.
Timberlake, who performed All My Rowdy Friends are Coming over Tonight as Williams' successor for eight weeks the following year, appeared on FOX News one Monday morning. When asked what he thought about Obama and Boehner taking long walks on the beach together, he commented, "The next thing you know, Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner will be doing that too."
ESPN fired Timberlake that very evening.
"Here at ESPN, we find it completely necessary to suck on President Obama's nut sack," said an ESPN spokesperson. "No one, not even the great Justin Timberlake, shall ever be able to compare President Obama to Wile E. Coyote. It's a racist comment that ESPN will not support."
It's been the same old story ever since.
In 2013, ESPN fired Miley Cyrus for suggesting that Obama and Boehner skinny-dipping together would be like if Game of Thrones characters Tyrion "The Imp" Lannister and Sansa Stark swam nude with each other.
"Here at ESPN, we find Miley's comment repulsive," said an ESPN spokesperson. "While we normally embrace little people because we are so cultured and worldly, we cannot condone Overlord Obama being compared to a little person. In this instance, and this instance only, little people suck!"
Another pop star suffered a similar fate in autumn 2014. Amy Winehouse's corpse was set ablaze once the undead songstress compared Obama and Boehner having man sex on the beach to Mario penetrating Bowser anally.
Rap artist Jay-Z was let go the following football season for making the same exact statement as Winehouse's corpse, though he used Timberlake's beat from 2012. He was fired, but inexplicably sold millions of copies of his comment and grew even wealthier.
And this year? ESPN gave Hank Williams another shot. But no longer, after Williams opined:
"Obama and Boehner adopting a Chinese baby together would be like fire and ice adopting a Chinese baby together."
Within minutes, ESPN released the following statement:
"Here at ESPN, we do not support racist comments. Overlord Obama shall never be compared to fire. Or ice. Hank Williams' comments were repulsive, and as a consequence, he no longer works for ESPN. Now, if you'll excuse us, all the ESPN employees must sit in a circle and whack off while Overlord Obama delivers his next speech."
EMMITT TO REPLACE HANK WILLIAMS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Oct. 6, 2016
The new voice of Monday Night Football? It's none other than former New England Patriots head coach Emmitt.
Emmitt, who already works for ESPN, reached a new deal with the world-wide leader in sports. In addition to appearing on Sunday NFL Countdown every week, Emmitt will now perform prior to each Monday night game.
"Here at ESPN, we love to involve former athletes as much as possible," said an ESPN spokesperson. "We've hired former athletes who can't speak English correctly to do commentary. Why can't we hire former athletes who can't sing to perform All My Rowdy Friends are Coming over Tonight?"
While it was initially reported that Emmitt would be singing Hank Williams' famous song, Emmitt will in fact read poetry before each weekly tilt.
"I does not have experiments doin' poemety, but I have even less experiments doin' songerty," Emmitt said.
Emmitt told us that he has been practicing poetry all week in preparation for his new gig.
"I mesmerize one poemtry," Emmitt revealed. "Roses are red. Violent are red. Uhh... somethin', somethin', somethin' the flower have becomed dead... uhh... maybe I do not mesmerize this doggone poemtry just yet."
Emmitt took a second stab at a poem.
"Little Miss Muffin sat on her waffle, eatin' her turds and weight. Along came a spider who... uhh... spin a web and eat Little Miss Muffin and the waffle, I think."
Ouch - Emmitt is 0-for-2. How about a third attempt?
"Humpty Dumpster sat on a wall and he have a great fall. All the horses and the king men try to put Humpty Dumpster together again, but he broke his ACL and is out for the season."
As you can tell, the Monday night pre-game show is going to be brutal to listen to. We seldom like to editorialize, but we have a poem we'd like to share.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. ESPN is extremely stupid. And if you agree with them, so are you.