Emmitt on the Brink - Season 4: Week 5
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
ESPN AXES YET ANOTHER MONDAY NIGHT PERFORMER
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Oct. 4, 2016
Call it the Curse of Hank Williams. Call it the Utter Stupidity of ESPN. Either way, the world-wide leader in sports has canned yet another Monday Night Football pre-game performer.
It all started five years ago when Hank Williams said that former U.S. President and current U.S. Overlord Barack Obama playing golf with the republican John Boehner would be like Adolf Hitler hanging out with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
Here at the NFL Bible Network, we're fair and balanced, so we can freely criticize the biased, nut-job media and its ignorant followers for overreacting to Williams' comments. Williams did not compare Obama to Hitler; if anything, he was comparing Obama to Netanyahu; both graduated from Ivy League schools.
Williams' intent wasn't to compare Obama to anyone; he was simply making an analogy that Obama and a republican representative are polar opposites and enemies, much like Hitler and Netanyahu. He could have said that Obama and Boehner playing golf together would be like the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote chilling one afternoon. But that's exactly what Justin Timberlake did the following year.
Timberlake, who performed All My Rowdy Friends are Coming over Tonight as Williams' successor for eight weeks the following year, appeared on FOX News one Monday morning. When asked what he thought about Obama and Boehner taking long walks on the beach together, he commented, "The next thing you know, Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner will be doing that too."
ESPN fired Timberlake that very evening.
"Here at ESPN, we find it completely necessary to suck on President Obama's nut sack," said an ESPN spokesperson. "No one, not even the great Justin Timberlake, shall ever be able to compare President Obama to Wile E. Coyote. It's a racist comment that ESPN will not support."
It's been the same old story ever since.
In 2013, ESPN fired Miley Cyrus for suggesting that Obama and Boehner skinny-dipping together would be like if Game of Thrones characters Tyrion "The Imp" Lannister and Sansa Stark swam nude with each other.
"Here at ESPN, we find Miley's comment repulsive," said an ESPN spokesperson. "While we normally embrace little people because we are so cultured and worldly, we cannot condone Overlord Obama being compared to a little person. In this instance, and this instance only, little people suck!"
Another pop star suffered a similar fate in autumn 2014. Amy Winehouse's corpse was set ablaze once the undead songstress compared Obama and Boehner having man sex on the beach to Mario penetrating Bowser anally.
Rap artist Jay-Z was let go the following football season for making the same exact statement as Winehouse's corpse, though he used Timberlake's beat from 2012. He was fired, but inexplicably sold millions of copies of his comment and grew even wealthier.
And this year? ESPN gave Hank Williams another shot. But no longer, after Williams opined:
"Obama and Boehner adopting a Chinese baby together would be like fire and ice adopting a Chinese baby together."
Within minutes, ESPN released the following statement:
"Here at ESPN, we do not support racist comments. Overlord Obama shall never be compared to fire. Or ice. Hank Williams' comments were repulsive, and as a consequence, he no longer works for ESPN. Now, if you'll excuse us, all the ESPN employees must sit in a circle and whack off while Overlord Obama delivers his next speech."
EMMITT TO REPLACE HANK WILLIAMS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Oct. 6, 2016
The new voice of Monday Night Football? It's none other than former New England Patriots head coach Emmitt.
Emmitt, who already works for ESPN, reached a new deal with the world-wide leader in sports. In addition to appearing on Sunday NFL Countdown every week, Emmitt will now perform prior to each Monday night game.
"Here at ESPN, we love to involve former athletes as much as possible," said an ESPN spokesperson. "We've hired former athletes who can't speak English correctly to do commentary. Why can't we hire former athletes who can't sing to perform All My Rowdy Friends are Coming over Tonight?"
While it was initially reported that Emmitt would be singing Hank Williams' famous song, Emmitt will in fact read poetry before each weekly tilt.
"I does not have experiments doin' poemety, but I have even less experiments doin' songerty," Emmitt said.
Emmitt told us that he has been practicing poetry all week in preparation for his new gig.
"I mesmerize one poemtry," Emmitt revealed. "Roses are red. Violent are red. Uhh... somethin', somethin', somethin' the flower have becomed dead... uhh... maybe I do not mesmerize this doggone poemtry just yet."
Emmitt took a second stab at a poem.
"Little Miss Muffin sat on her waffle, eatin' her turds and weight. Along came a spider who... uhh... spin a web and eat Little Miss Muffin and the waffle, I think."
Ouch - Emmitt is 0-for-2. How about a third attempt?
"Humpty Dumpster sat on a wall and he have a great fall. All the horses and the king men try to put Humpty Dumpster together again, but he broke his ACL and is out for the season."
As you can tell, the Monday night pre-game show is going to be brutal to listen to. We seldom like to editorialize, but we have a poem we'd like to share.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. ESPN is extremely stupid. And if you agree with them, so are you.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Season 7, Week 1 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS ESCAPE DOWNTOWN ABBOTT - Sept. 5
Season 7, Week 2 - WHAT HAPPENED TO JOSH GORDON - Sept. 12
Season 7, Week 3 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS LOST AT SEA - Sept. 19
Season 7, Week 4 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS EXPLORE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND - Sept. 26
Season 7, Week 5 - MANZIEL REVEALS SECRET TO EMMITT - Oct. 3
Season 7, Week 6 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS FIND THEMSELVES IN MIDDLE OF GANG WAR - Oct. 10
Season 7, Week 7 - EMMITT CONFRONTS LEADER OF THE BLOODS - Oct. 17
Season 7, Week 8 - JIM IRSAY DESTROYS CRIPS' HEADQUARTERS - Oct. 24
Season 7, Week 9 - EMMITT TRAPPED INSIDE THE TOWN - Oct. 31
Season 7, Week 10 - NEW THREAT IN WALKING BUC APOCALYPSE - Nov. 7
Season 7, Week 11 - DESEAN JACKSON SAVES EMMITT FROM ANDY REID - Nov. 14
Season 7, Week 12 - UNDERSTANDING JUSTIN BIEBERíS POWERS - Nov. 21
Season 7, Week 13 - THIEF THROWS WRENCH INTO PLANS - Nov. 28
Season 7, Week 14 - OLD NEMESIS TRIES TO THWART PLANS - Dec. 5
Season 7, Week 15 - ADRIAN PETERSON'S STORY - Dec. 12
Season 7, Week 16 - GATHERING THE WALKING BUCS - Dec. 19
Season 7, Week 17 - ADRIAN PETERSON USES THE SWITCH OF DESTINY; CARL NICKS ATTACKS - Dec. 26
2015 NFL Mock Draft - Feb. 26
2015 NBA Mock Draft - Feb. 24
Fantasy Football Rankings - Feb. 18
2016 NFL Mock Draft - Feb. 5
NFL Picks - Feb. 1
NFL Free Agents
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