The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Sept. 20, 2019
Dianna Marie Russini's wails were both ear-piercing and heartbreaking. Every man in the room wanted to console her, but there wasn't enough time. There would be time to grieve over the fallen Emmitt when they were safe and sound; otherwise, Emmitt's sacrifice would've been for naught.
Though Emmitt diving into the portal to the evil dimension managed to reverse the size of the protrusion in the fabric of space time, it managed to destabilize the foundation of the League of Failed General Managers' headquarters.
"NO! EMMITT, NO!!!" Russini continued to shriek, forcing Warren Sapp to pull her away.
"We need to get out of here!" he shouted. "Josh Norman, if you're going to come through, now would be the time."
Norman motioned them to follow him, and he sprinted down the hallway in the other direction from where Emmitt found Russini. He whipped out his keys and opened the bolted door. There, inside a giant room, was something no one expected to see.
It was a giant, white bird.
"Come on, guys, let's get on!" Norman commanded, hopping onto the bird. Russini, Isaiah Crowell, Johnny Manziel and Shannon Sharpe followed suit, but Sapp hesitated.
"That bird is going to think I'm going to eat it," Sapp lamented, remembering that he was now a wereshark. "Besides, you have five in your party now, and five is already one too many."
Don't be ridiculous, Warren, a voice said in his head.
"What the?" said a startled Sapp. "Who said that?"
Just get on my back, the voice said. Sapp looked at the giant, white bird, and she was looking right back at him. Besides, Dianna Marie Russini and Shannon Sharpe are NPCs, so they don't really count.
"I must be losing my mind," Sapp said, climbing onto the bird's back, albeit very cautiously.
The bird instantly took off, and just in time. The LFGM building collapsed into rubble.
"Emmitt!" Russini cried. "No, we have to go back! We have to go back!"
"He's gone, honey," Crowell said. "There's nothing more we can do. All we can do now is-."
Crowell stopped talking, and the five others looked at where Crowell was staring, and they felt their hearts sink. It was the real Matt Millen's airship.
"Aha!" Millen said, peering over the side of his vessel. "You thought you could have your gay friend seduce me and my fellow general managers!? Fools! I am not gay, so I cannot be seduced by someone like Milo Yiannopoulos. I mean, sure, I inserted this here kielbasa into his backside countless times, but that doesn't mean I'm gay! In fact, I think you're gay! You're all gay, you gay losers!"
Millen, rubbed his nipples through his Detroit Lions jersey while staring at the kielbasa. He began muttering something about 100-percent USDA Men, but Crowell didn't hear a single word. That's because something clicked in his head, and he constantly repeated a single word.
"Five-O," he said aloud. "Five-O! Five-O! Five-O!"
"He's not a cop, Isaiah," Sapp corrected him.
"He's wearing blue and white!" Crowell screamed. "He's Five-O!!!"
Crowell whipped out his gun and shot Millen. A bullseye, as the bullet struck the center of his chest!
"No!" Millen screeched, tearing his hands into his flesh. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Moments later, Millen collapsed.
"Nice shot, Isaiah," Sapp said. "And good riddance to that zero-percent USDA Man."
"NOT SO FAST!" a menacing voice warned. It belonged to Millen.
Millen began to rise, but he didn't appear to be the goofy-looking, gray-haired, mustachioed man everyone recognized. He was a giant kielbasa!
"You've seen me in my final form!" Kielbasa Millen bellowed. "And now it's time for me to crush you! Kielbasa crush you!"
INSIDE THE EVIL DIMENSION
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Unknown, Month?, XYZV
He was in a familiar place. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he knew where he was - but yet, something was different about it.
"If I could make a birthday wish on Christmas, it would be to find out what the name of these place are," Emmitt said.
Suddenly, something caught the corner of his eye. A large sign was now visible:
University of Florida City State College
"Now, wait just a year... I mean minute," Emmitt said aloud. "That wasn't there a year ago. I mean a month ago. I mean a year ago. I mean a minute ago."
Emmitt realized that this was his alma mater, but things were way off. His favorite burger place was inexplicably replaced by a shop entitled Time. Emmitt wandered over to see what that was all about.
"Get your time here," a man in a Hawaiian shirt said. "Wait a second, you're not a quarterback. Get out of here right now!"
Another man pushed Emmitt out of the way. He greeted the shopkeeper and told him that he required 20 minutes.
"Now, here's someone I can sell to," the old man said. "A quarterback buying time for his lineman. That's the way it should be. Here's your 20 minutes, quarterback."
The man grasped the 20 minutes, wandered out of the shop and delivered that amount of time to five large men. Emmitt was completely befuddled, so he continued on his way.
"Excuse me sir, do you know where I can find the football field?" a voice asked. Emmitt turned around and was taken aback. It was a leopard - with stripes!
"I am from out of town and would like to find the football facility," the leopard said. Knowing the football-related area of the campus, Emmitt motioned for the leopard to follow him. The two were halfway across the University of Florida State College campus when the leopard grabbed Emmitt.
"Get down!" he shouted, and Emmitt did as he commanded. A white stream moved briskly and attached itself to an unsuspecting student. The student instantly convulsed, and then it appeared as though the white stream was bashing him in the face and chest.
"Poor guy," the leopard said, after a few minutes of silence. "I've never been debacled, but I've heard horror stories. Some say you're never the same after a debaclation."
Emmitt couldn't believe what he was seeing and hearing. Not only were people actually getting debacled right in front of him; but it was the same thing he saw in his nightmare when he was imprisoned in the League of Failed General Managers compound. Was he dreaming again? Was any of this real?
"Ah, here we are," the leopard said, pointing to the football field. "The New Zealand Patriots are practicing!"
Emmitt looked on, and surely enough, football players wearing jerseys that said "New Zealand Patriots" were running around. Emmitt also spotted something that resembled the NFL's logo, except the letters were "NCF."
"National Conference of Football," Emmitt said to himself. The leopard turned toward Emmitt.
"My favorite sport," he beamed. "I don't know if you heard, but Eli Manning just was given the rice of passage. He's been aiming for that achievement his entire career. He- look out!"
Emmitt was expecting to see another white stream. Instead, someone had thrown a whistle, and it was heading right toward Emmitt's head.
Emmitt suddenly felt dizzy. He then felt himself hitting the ground.
"The whistles are too sharp here!" he heard the leopard shout before falling into a deep slumber.
Emmitt awoke to find himself staring into a mirror. And then his image moved. That's when it hit him - it wasn't a mirror!
"Well, well, well, look who it are, I mean is," a man who looked exactly like Emmitt said to Emmitt. It was his copy from the dream!
"You the photocopy of myselves that I see in the daymare!" Emmitt exclaimed, realizing he couldn't run because he was tied to a chair. His doppelganger laughed.
"Emmitt, welcomed to your home," the fake Emmitt sneered. "Get ready to hear the whole truths and anything but the truths. Your mind gonna get blowed... blowned... uhh... blewed.. uhh... blewned... uhh... blowed away!"