The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Nov. 13, 2015
When you're undefeated, everyone wants a piece of the pie. That has certainly been the case for the Patriots, as several members of the organization have guest starred on Celebrity Jeopardy, Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and Eating Cereal with the Stars in recent years.
During this year's bye week, quarterback Anthony Morelli will make a cameo appearance on Tim Tebow's new television show.
"Haha, eh yo, they say I gonna be on TV, eh yo," Morelli said. "TV! People gonna see me on TV haha, eh yo... huh?"
We're not sure why Morelli is so thrilled about this; after all, his Patriots are on TV every single week in the fall.
Morelli will play himself in the show's pilot episode. Tebow, who has been secretive about his new program, finally addressed the media about it on Thursday.
"Someone recently introduced me to Entourage, a show that used to air on HBO," Tebow said. "I didn't like this show. There were too many bad things about it. So, I've decided to swap out the 'T' for a 'C,' and make a show called Encourage - a show about four close friends who encourage each other."
Per Tebow, he will play the main character, Timmy Faith, a professional quarterback who is tempted by all the distractions around him, but is eventually able to overcome the adversity with the help of his friends.
Timmy Faith's brother will be Johnny Charisma, a former quarterback whose career was cut short due to injuries and ineptitude. Tebow did not specify if the Johnny Charisma character would be loosely based on Rex Grossman.
Timmy Faith's manager and best friend will be a short man named PeacE - with the final letter of that word capitalized for obvious reasons. PeacE, according to Tebow, will attract women who are way too hot for him.
Rounding out the quartet, Timmy Faith's friend Turtledove will provide comedic relief.
Other characters include Heart of Gold, Timmy Faith's agent, and Brandon Lloyd, Heart of Gold's straight secretary.
We're still not sure what role Morelli will provide - or if he'll even be sober - but we are confident that millions of Americans will be on the edge of their seats when Encourage debuts on Sunday night.
ENTOURAGE PRODUCERS INFURIATED BY TEBOW'S SHOW
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Nov. 16, 2015
Entourage executive producer Mark Wahlberg was so infuriated by Tim Tebow's Encourage pilot episode that he called press conference at 11:30 on Sunday night.
"They f***ing ripped off my show, and Timmy Faith, I mean, Tim Tebow's gonna pay!" Wahlberg bellowed.
As journalists, we're expected to be unbiased. However, we have to agree with Wahlberg on this one - the pilot of Encourage seemed to just poke fun of Entourage, berating everything that was wrong with Wahlberg's old show.
If you missed it, consider the following scene in the Encourage pilot episode, Dreams:
Timmy Faith: Hey guys, it's a beautiful day out. I say we should do something really fun, like go bowling or see a play.
PeacE: That sounds like a really good idea, Timmy. But I want to share something first. I had a really naughty dream last night!
Turtledove: Me too!
Johnny Charisma: Me three!
Timmy Faith: OK guys, I want to hear about all of your dreams because sharing is caring. You first, PeacE.
PeacE: Well, you guys know how unbelievably beautiful women like to ask me out on dates, but they get upset when I tell them that I'm a virgin? Well, I dreamt that I had a girlfriend named Sloam, and she suggested that she, her friend and I hold each other's hands - at the same time!
Johnny Charisma: Oh my, that is horrible!
PeacE: I know, Johnny Charisma! I woke up in a sweat. I could never hold hands with more than one girl - and holding hands with one girl would take about 10 dates!
Turtledove: Well, my bad dream involved stealing Timmy Faith's money to start a business where beautiful girls drove cars around. Unfortunately, I lost all of Timmy Faith's money, so I had to start selling some Mexican's guy tequila, and then Mark Cuban became involved in the business for no apparent reason!
Timmy Faith: Ahhh!!! That is very bad! But I know you would never throw my money away, Turtledove.
Turtledove: I know, Timmy Faith. But I'm still sorry that I stole your money in my dream. It'll never happen ever again. I could never touch alcohol anyway. Alcohol is bad!
All: Yes it is!
Timmy Faith: Hold on, guys. I want to finish hearing your dreams, but I'm getting a call from Heart of Gold.
*** Timmy Faith answers his Zack Morris-style cell phone. ***
Timmy Faith: Hello?
Heart of Gold: Hi, Timmy Faith. Hold on one second. Brandon LLLLLOOOOOOOOYYYYYDDDD!
Brandon Lloyd: What is it, sir? I was just talking to my roommate Tom. We're just friends; nothing more. Being gay is bad!
Heart of Gold: Of course it is, now get on the line so we can wish Timmy Faith good luck on his game on Sunday!
Brandon Lloyd: Good luck, Timmy Faith! We love you! But not in a naughty way!
Timmy Faith: Thanks guys, I love you too! And not in a naughty way either!
*** Timmy Faith hangs up the phone. ***
Timmy Faith: So, Johnny Charisma, I'm dying to hear your dream.
Johnny Charisma: OK, baby bro. I dreamt that I was still able to play quarterback. I used you to get gigs with bad teams like the Buffalo Bills. I finally got a job with the Sacramento Jaguars, but Jack Del Rio tried to hold Turtledove's girlfriend's hand.
Turtledove: I don't want to hear this! I don't want to hear this!!!
Johnny Charisma: I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't let Del Rio keep holding that poor girl's hand. So, I did what any good person would do.
PeacE: You read him the bible?
Johnny Charisma: Close, bro. I converted him to Christianity. Once I did that, Del Rio agreed to never hold a girl's hand ever again.
*** Anthony Morelli is seen walking down the street with four girls by his side. ***
Timmy Faith: Hey look guys, it's Anthony Morelli, quarterback of the New England Patriots! Hi, Anthony, how are you today?
Anthony Morelli: Haha, uhh... huh? Eh yo, haha. I on TV? I on TV! Haha!
Timmy Faith: See, guys? This is exactly what happens when you drink alcohol. You become incoherent, and naughty girls follow you around everywhere.
Turtledove: Yeah! Alcohol is bad!
Random Girl No. 1: What do ya mean, alcohol is bad? Alcohol is good. Let's go get some drinks and have fun in my hotel room later! Woooooo!!!
PeacE: I have an idea, Timmy. Instead of doing what she said, let's all go to church!
Timmy Faith: That is the best idea I've heard all day! Let's go, guys!
Walter your inability to bet the Patriots all year with Brady on the team is inexplicable. Yes, since Brady came back from suspension, you bet the Patriots 0 times, even though they covered as decent and often huge favorites. Why? Why are you more afraid than Goodell is to show up at Foxborough to bet on a great team to beat inferior oponents by a large margin? You lost out on a lot of money. As for the Patriots defense who will be "overwhelmed" by Pittsburgh hahaha, the Patriots defense has stepped up when it needed to. Logan Ryan who is not even the best DB let alone CB on the team just had a dominant game covering one of the best wide receivers in the league. And you're going to say that Brady can't go stride for stride against Big Ben who, with his 0 TD performance last Sunday, once again proved that he has turned into an awful road playoff QB? You know what 0 TDs will win you in the AFC Championship game? I don't believe that betting on Pitt getting 6 points is a bad decision - seeing as I may do the same. But to predict the Patriots to straight up lose is laughable. The advantage they have on defense and coaching is pretty big and they may even be even offensively solely because Brady has been using Edelman more and more and Dion Lewis's return has shown to be very important.