The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013-14 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 and 2014 NFL seasons under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Friday during the real 2009 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots on 2014!
PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Dec. 11, 2014
Players who arrived to the Patriots' practice facility were sent home Wednesday morning, as someone released laughing gas throughout the complex.
None of the athletes were affected. No one claimed to know anything about it.
"Eh yo, I do not... uhh... know about gas that come from green bottle that I bring to practice and knock over, I mean do not knock over and not bring... Eh yo," Anthony Morelli said.
Unfortunately, Emmitt inhaled enough of the laughing gas that he had to be sent to the hospital.
The good news is that Emmitt is fine and will coach against the Denver Broncos this weekend. The bad news is that the reporters surrounding Emmitt in the hospital had to endure dozens of horrific jokes from the Patriots head coach.
When asked how Emmitt would be game planning for former Patriots offensive coordinator Brad Childress, Emmitt replied, "A horse walk into a bar, and the bartender ask, why do you have four leg? And why do you have a face that is real long? It is so long, I do not even understand how to describe how long it is."
When asked how the trip back from North Korea would affect his team, Emmitt responded, "Why did the chicken cross the roads? To keep himselves from gettin' debacled upside the head!"
When asked how he would prepare for Childress' vaunted two tight end attack, Emmitt replied, "A man walk into a bar and he feel a pain on the forehead. Do you know why? Because he walk into a bar. Not a bar where you drink alcohols, but a real bar that is made out of metal and sometime made out of silver and sometime made out of black."
At that point, the reporters gave up, but Emmitt kept going.
"Yo momma is so dumb that when she hear that it is chilly outside, she come outside to warm the chilly up because chilly is best serve when it come from a microwave oven," Emmitt said amid some groans.
"What is black and white and red all over?" Emmitt asked. "This puzzle me. Sometime people say it is a newspaper, but a newspaper do not have the color red unless it have a picture with red on the front page."
As the media people were packing their bags, Emmitt gave them one more for the road.
"How did Kellen Heller's parents punish her? They move a couple of pieces of furniture around because Kellen have trouble hearing and sometime seeing. She was confuse. Very confuse."
Later that night, the effects of the laughing gas wore off. Emmitt issued a statement.
"I hope everyone learn the negative affect the laughing gas can have on individual," Emmitt said. "Laughing gas is no laughing matters, except for the times you do laugh and make up incredible joke."
PATRIOTS EXTEND WINNING STREAK; NOW 14-0
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Dec. 18, 2014
You'd think both coaches won last night's New England-Denver tilt based on how they acted after the game.
The Patriots came away with a 4-0 victory, thanks to two safeties. The Broncos gained minus-25 yards of total offense. In fact, once New England went up 2-0 after Denver's first drive, Emmitt asked Anthony Morelli to take three knees on each drive.
"I was very confidence that when we have a 2-0 lead, we were gonna hold on for the victorious," Emmitt said. "I had absolute no confident that Brad Childman was gonna move the doggone chain on our good and strong defensive."
A crazy strategy, but it paid off. However, Emmitt's confidence in his defense isn't the only reason he had his quarterback kneel down on every play.
"Anthony Morganstead have a lot of alcohols in his breath today, I could smell it from a centimeter away, and a centimeter is a long distance - it is 100 meter!" Emmitt proclaimed. "I do not know what happen. We comin' down the stretch and we don't need our quarterback to have alcohols. If he behave like this again, I will be force to consider benchin' him in favor of Tom Brady or our great rookie J.D. McCoy who have not yet sign a contract."
Morelli was remorseful that he showed up intoxicated.
"Eh yo, I make mistake, big mistake, hic!" Morelli slurred. "My friend come over yesterday and challenge me to drink 250 beer so I drink 250 beer - hic! - and then I go to bar and drink more! I think I can play football today and throw ball to other guy on team with same color jersey but coach do not think so! Hic!"
Meanwhile, the Broncos coaching staff was thrilled with the 4-0 loss.
"We were so excited to get a great balance on offense," Childress said. "We ran 70 plays and were able to get a 50-50 split in our play-calling. It was truly a great achievement.
Of course, Childress isn't talking about a 50-50 run-pass ratio; he's referring to the 35 carries that backup fullbacks Jeff Dugan and Naufahu Tahi received.
"Jeff and Naufahu are great," Childress said. "If I'd ask them to sit out the rest of the game, they'd listen to me. Not that I would ever sit those guys. They're incredible talents."
"It was truly remarkable," said Jim Mora Jr., the Broncos' offensive coordinator. "Sure, we haven't scored a point all year, but the fact that we were able to get the ball to our backup fullbacks this much really speaks volumes. Fans may not like zero points in 14 games, but once we start scoring, the points will come in bunches."
Defensive coordinator Jack Del Rio excitedly interrupted Mora.
"There's only upside to getting the ball to your backup fullbacks," Del Rio stated. "Everyone expects you to put the ball in your best players' hands. That's just silly. The trick is to keep it away from your best players to fool the opposing defenses. Once we start scoring points in bunches, like Jim said, people will truly understand the brilliance of our plan."
At this point, Bronco fans might just be done waiting.
I would bet 10 units on both the Packers and Patriots, and then 5 units on the Packers in the Super Bowl. The Packers will obviously blow out the Falcons and Tom Brady is the best QB of all time. They've both won 7 consecutive games (Rodgers and Brady) and they are both unstoppable. Rodgers will obviously throw a touchdown in the final seconds to win the Super Bowl. I would bet a million dollars that this will happen.
So Big Ben, who has struggled all year on the road despite the competition and is banged up, is just going to magically find his groove and torch us? Anything's possible, but using the Seahawks game, which was ages ago and came shortly after we had to adjust after the Jamie Collins trade, is pretty dumb on your part.