Emmitt on the Brink - Season 5: Week 16
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
SKITTLE WARRIORS' PLAN TO SAVE EMMITT FOILED
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Dec. 12, 2017
Evil Emmitt, mastermind of Bountygate II, must have some incredible technological capabilities because shortly after we published last week's story about the real Emmitt being introduced to his goateed counterpart, all communication was cut off from his headquarters. This means that the bug we placed on Emmitt was rendered useless.
So, we have no idea what may have happened during the past week. Our hero may have been forced into partaking in some kielbasa man sex with Viceroy Matt Millen. We can only hope that something this horrifying didn't happen.
Meanwhile, the Skittle Warriors received word that Emmitt was being held captive by the Bountygate II perpetrators. They considered avoiding the situation for a while, but Anthony Morelli, the Yellow Skittle, spoke up.
"Eh yo, guy who got kidnap was guy who tolded me where throw ball," Morelli articulated as best as he could. "Eh, he guy who boss on team. He gave me job, eh yo, now time for me give thanks by saving haha yo... huh?"
JaMarcus Russell, the Purple Skittle and another former co-worker of Emmitt's, chimed in.
"Guy... I already forgetted his name... gived me chance when nobody elses didn'ted ha," Russell said. "Now guy I still forgetted names in troubles and we need savinged him, do ya tink so?"
The Skittle Warriors discussed this and decided it was best to consult their boss, the Tropical Skittle.
"Hem, hem... uhh... injuries... uhh... Emmitt... maybe kielbasa man sex... hem, hem..." said the enigmatic Tropical Skittle. "Uhh... hem, hem... I take full responsibility... umm... uhh... changes need to be made... hem, hem... uhh... time's yours."
With the Tropical Skittle's permission, the Skittle Warriors made their way to the University of Florida's football locker room. The button Norv Turner's turkey neck pushed last week to open up the secret entrance didn't work properly, but that didn't deter the Skittle Warriors from completing their goal.
"YEAAAAHHHH BEAST MODE! BEAST MODE!!! YEAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" shouted Marshawn Lynch, the Green Skittle, ramming his body into the back wall of the locker room. Lynch's beast-mode blast was successful - the wall crumbled, revealing the spiral staircase heading down into the Bountygate II headquarters.
The Skittle Warriors sprinted down the steps, but were met at the bottom by Millen.
"So, what do we have here?" Millen asked. "Some young stallions trying to break into our headquarters, eh? If so, you're out of luck. My boss told me that no one is allowed to enter. And no, I will not take kielbasas for bribes."
That's when Jeff Garcia, the Orange Skittle, took one for the team.
"Jeeezzth Chriiitthhh like ohhhh my gaawwd, I'll like sthleep with you and ride you all night long Mither Millen, Jeezztth Chriitthh."
This piqued Millen's interest.
"All night long, you say?" Millen asked, raising his brow. "Well, you sir are not 100-percent USDA Man. In fact, I wouldn't even call you 10-percent USDA Man. But I'll make you a deal - I'll let you pass in a week if you and all three of your 100-percent USDA Man friends have wild kielbasa man sex with me for the next six days."
Garcia, Lynch, Russell and Morelli all begrudgingly walked away with Millen. However, Eric Berry, the Red Skittle, smartly hid out of sight during the entire exchange. Once everyone was gone, Berry bolted toward the door.
Berry was well on his way to Evil Emmitt's office when Turner stepped into his path.
"You'll need to turn back now," Turner's turkey neck said, staring Berry down menacingly.
"Step aside Norv," Berry said, firmly standing his ground. "You may have beaten my team soundly when you were head coach of the Chargers, but those days are over!"
"I'd think twice about that, nyegh," Turner's turkey neck sneered. Turner then revealed an object he was holding behind his back the entire time. He opened his palm, revealing it to Berry, who stood there in complete horror. Absolute fear occupied every bone of Berry's body as he fully comprehended the magnitude of the object he was looking at - a My Little Pony doll.
"AHHHHH HORSES ARE SOOOO SCARRRRYYY AHHHHHH!!!" Berry shrieked, quickly turning and sprinting back toward the entrance. "PPPLLEEEAASSEEE DON'T HURT MEEE WITH THATTT HOORSSSIIEEEEE AHHHHH!!!"
And just like that, it was over. The Skittle Warriors failed. We still don't know if Emmitt is even OK, and it's beginning to look like we never will.
EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE!
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Dec. 19, 2017
Just when we thought all hope was lost, Emmitt's friends arrived in Gainesville. Apparently, the bond between them was just so unbreakable that they couldn't stay away.
"You guys were right; this was definitely the right move," Eric Mangini said. "There are tons of hot girls here. I don't even know where to begin!"
"G8ohg quewo gwug re photo la owb grb jebjwh bsduh r sdp rl en frame bsdkb idbvkjrebg erjbourbvuo dskjbr ebv sd picture brk basbi dbierbgk erbnletn painting blnkdsjv oeu gir gblfdnbvkjs," Shannon Sharpe replied.
"What!?" Mangini squealed. "You told me we were coming to Gainesville to check out all of hot girls; not rescue Emmitt! Who cares about Emmitt with all of these hot girls walking around!?"
Despite Mangini's pleas to stick around the heart of campus so he could take pictures of all of the hot girls, the group, comprised of Mangini, Sharpe, Brandon Marshall and Eric Winston, made their way to the Florida football locker room, where we were expecting the hole that Marshawn Lynch created to still be there. To our complete dismay, the wall was untouched, almost as if the former Seahawk never broke through it.
Our heroes stood around, perplexed for nearly an hour. Finally, Mangini was so frustrated that he lashed out at Sharpe.
"That's it; I'm done with you, Shannon!" Mangini shouted. "This is the last time I ever hang out with you! I don't care if my mom doesn't make me anymore macaroni and cheese - it's delicious, but it's not worth it if she forces me to spend time with you!"
"RPjiw wwe iwrhgo r lrk glasses gnoweiurbg etn lerg o oergb 4baib ug tlhtn ldbvkj birgb eye tkbhlkns kjbasu vudbrb ktbos rabbit d bg jhtbnsld oidoebkhtbh ld foi blfn,yn pineapple lrynksdb vodfnlh toh siodh db ekthn," Sharpe replied.
Amazingly, as soon as Sharpe stopped speaking, the back wall of the locker room flipped around and revealed the spiral staircase.
"Great work, Shannon!" Winston said encouragingly to Sharpe, who beamed upon hearing a rare compliment.
The four raced down the stairs. They spied Norv Turner standing in front of the Mark Sanchez Butt Fumble statue, so they darted inside one of the rooms in the corridor.
What they saw inside was unfathomable. It was a massacre. The four Skittle Warriors who agreed to have kielbasa man sex with Viceroy Matt Millen were sprawled out on the floor, looking completely defeated.
"Eh yo... eh..." Anthony Morelli gasped.
"I tink... I tink... every boned brokened, do ya... do ya tink do ya tink..." JaMarcus Russell added.
"Nooooo... beast... mode... noooo..." Marshawn Lynch muttered.
"Jeeezzzthhh... Criiii... Criii..." Garcia whispered.
Mangini, Sharpe, Marshall and Winston peered back out of the doorway, and they saw that Turner was gone. They took their opportunity and abandoned the fallen Skittle Warriors. They climbed the stairs and ran toward the corridor leading toward Evil Emmitt's office. But that's when they bumped into Marshall's wife, who was killed about two months ago.
"No, she's back!" Marshall yelped. "How is this possible!?"
"I'll tell you how," Marshall's wife quickly replied, taking steps toward the four heroes. "With Bountygate II technology, we're able to bring back the dead! Now, Brandon, honey, hand over Shannon, and leave, and no harm will come of you. Fail to comply, and you'll surely trip over another McDonald's bag!"
Marshall broke down and cried, which angered Winston.
"When you threaten, when you threaten somebody with a McDonald's bag, a regular old paper bag or a plastic bag, , I don't care who it is - and it just so happened to be Brandon Marshall - it's sickening. It's 100-percent sickening," Winston said. "I've been in some rough times on some rough situations, I've never been more embarrassed in my life to stand before an undead woman than in that moment right now."
Marshall's wife was taken completely aback by this. She then instantly burst into flames, allowing our four heroes to proceed into Evil Emmitt's office. They opened the door and found the real Emmitt gagged and tied to a chair.
Turner and Millen, each with a kielbasa in hand, stood beside Evil Emmitt, who boasted a menacing smile.
"Everything goin' accordion to plans now that Emmitt real friend have arrival," Emmitt said, laughing gleefully.
Will they rescue real Emmitt? Will they destroy Evil Emmitt? Will they finally put an end to Bountygate II? Find out in the Season 5 finale of Emmitt on the Brink next week!
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Season 7, Week 1 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS ESCAPE DOWNTOWN ABBOTT - Sept. 5
Season 7, Week 2 - WHAT HAPPENED TO JOSH GORDON - Sept. 12
Season 7, Week 3 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS LOST AT SEA - Sept. 19
Season 7, Week 4 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS EXPLORE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND - Sept. 26
Season 7, Week 5 - MANZIEL REVEALS SECRET TO EMMITT - Oct. 3
Season 7, Week 6 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS FIND THEMSELVES IN MIDDLE OF GANG WAR - Oct. 10
Season 7, Week 7 - EMMITT CONFRONTS LEADER OF THE BLOODS - Oct. 17
NFL Picks - Oct. 21
2015 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 15
Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5
2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24
2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1
NFL Free Agents
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