The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
PACKERS QUARTERBACK TO SHOOT CONTROVERSIAL COMMERCIAL
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Feb. 3, 2016
The Tuesday before the Super Bowl is known as Media Day. The players and coaches of the upcoming big game are usually the center of attention. This year, however, someone has drawn interest from Sunday's Patriots-Bears matchup.
Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers revealed that he will be shooting a controversial ad during the Super Bowl.
"It's going to be a great commercial, and Nick Barnett sucks," Rodgers said. "And Jermichael Finley is a wuss too."
The commercial will be a parody of the Christian Children's Fund ads. If you haven't seen them - they've been running for decades - there's a perverted old man holds a little boy or girl in his arms and asks viewers to donate $50 a day so the kids in poor countries can eat lobster and filet mignon for dinner every night. Or at least that's the message we received by watching those public service announcements.
Rodgers showed his version of the commercial to the media members. In his ad, he will be standing in front of cancer patients at Milwaukee hospital. He will then say, "See these poor cancer patients? Feel free to donate your money to them because I won't. I won't even sign an autograph for them. Ha!"
We weren't sure what the point of this commercial was - and we still don't know even though Rodgers attempted to clear it up for us.
"The aim of this commercial is to prove that Nick Barnett and Jermichael Finley are wimps," Rodgers said. "If they weren't such losers, I'd give out autographed footballs to those cancer patients, so it's all Nick and Jermichael's fault."
Rodgers' commercial will air after the second GoDaddy.com commercial, which will feature Danica Patrick stripping out of her bikini. Unfortunately, it'll cut off at the very last second and tell you to go to GoDaddy.com, where you'll see another stupid animal instead of nudity.
As for other forms of entertainment, the Super Bowl halftime show will be performed by the duet of Justine Bieber, who just had a sex change, and Tom Brady. The two will sing Cool Hair like Me, an inspirational song about men struggling to fit into society because of their lesbian-style haircuts.
PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Feb. 8, 2015
The New England Patriots have won their second-consecutive Super Bowl, beating the Chicago Bears in the lowest-scoring championship ever, 2-0.
However, the big news wasn't the fact that the Patriots claimed their sixth Lombardi Trophy; it was Emmitt's announcement after the game. Emmitt told the media that he was considering retirement.
"I loved bein' the head coach of the New Zealand Patriot, but this is the perfect opportunity to ride off into the sun rise," Emmitt said.
"Coachin' is fun sometime, but it really takes a told on your body, mind and strong," Emmitt continued. "Right now I've very retired that if you add the final four letter at the end of that word, or the ment that you put into your mouth, I'm just about retiredment."
Emmitt said his decision wasn't finalized, but told the press that he'd have to weigh his options in the coming weeks. Patriots owner Robert Kraft was disappointed.
"You've gotta be kidding me!" Kraft said upon hearing Emmitt's plans. "I was planning to attend an Arby's festival this spring. Now, I might not be able to go because I'll have to hire a new head coach. Damn you, Emmitt, for ruining my Arby's festival plans!"
As for the game, defensive lineman Ty Warren was named MVP. In the first quarter, Warren sacked Jay Cutler in the end zone for a safety. As Cutler hit the turf, his head actually separated from his torso. His body was motionless on the ground, while his head rolled out of bounds. A stray dog ran over to play with the head, but Michael Vick quickly shot it with a flaming arrow out of the stands.
Meanwhile, fellow NFL players were once again quick to criticize Cutler via Twitter.
Maurice Jones-Drew: Look at Cutler just laying there. What a wuss. First a sprain MCL, now no head... what's next, not playing with a chipped toenail?
Antonio Cromatie: Y cutlz b sitn hmyall on da tuf inzed of tryn ta plae n da supa bold?
Eric Mangini: Shut up, Shannon! I guess Jay Cutler will never be cool enough to go out with someone as hot as Erin Andrews!
Steve Johnson: GOD MUST REALLY HATE JAY CUTLER GOD AND I ARE FRIENDS EXCEPT THE ONE TIME HE MADE ME DROP THE BALL I HATE YOU GOD JK I LOVE U BUT Y U HATEN?
Cutler silenced his critics after the Justine Bieber and Tom Brady halftime show. After getting his head twisted back onto his body during intermission, Cutler came out of the tunnel to quarterback the Bears in the third quarter.
Unfortunately for Chicago, this did not go so well. Cutler never reached for the ball when center Olin Kreutz snapped it to him. In fact, Cutler had to be pushed around the field after each botched snap. By the middle of the fourth quarter, Cutler finally began to react to his surroundings. In fact, he ran to several Bears on the sidelines and bit them on the neck, transforming his fellow teammates into zombies.
Despite all this, the Patriots simply couldn't pull away. Quarterback Anthony Morelli was having major problems taking care of the football himself.
"Haha eh yo, I think I uhh... celebrate too much last night eh yo, huh?" Morelli told the media afterward.
Luckily, New England didn't allow the Chicago defense to score. Time eventually expired, and the Patriots prevailed.
"Like the wise man say, it's not over to the fat lady sing the Star Bengal Banner," Emmitt said. "Well, the fat lady singin' loud and proud. The Patriot beat the Bear, and to the victory go the spoiled food."
A single tear rolled out of Emmitt's eye.
"I want to thank Bob... uhh... the guy who like sandwiches for givin' me the opportunity to corch the New Zealand Patriots," Emmitt continued. "If this is the last game I'm standin inside the sideline, then I want to say that corchin' the Patriot have become the bone of my existence. But if I do come back from unretirement sometime, all the team better be prepare, because they will be debacled."