The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Jan. 3, 2019
Emmitt and his friends vanquished the evil smoke monster in the cockpit of the crashed airplane, but they were still confronted with a major problem - getting off the island. There was too much interference with the radio they recovered, so they decided that they needed to climb up the hills so they could get a signal.
"I'm... uhh... staying here," Kraft told them as they were preparing for their hike. "And it has nothing to do with the Arby's sandwiches I recov... I mean, I'm so upset that I lost my Arby's sandwiches, guys."
Josh Gordon shot Kraft a dirty look. "Kraft, you got more blood on your face," he said, sticking his thumb into it and putting it into his mouth." He licked his lips. "Tastes like ketchup, oddly enough."
"That's... uhh... a... uhh... condition I have," Kraft muttered. "The doctors said so. My blood tastes like ketchup, what can I say?"
"Well, it is a bad thing you not a vampire," Emmitt replied. "Because if you is a vampire, all you have to do is go to the ketchup store to buy some ketchup, and you could drink it every day instead of attacking people at night."
Gordon and Ray Rice gave each other an odd glance and then motioned Emmitt over. They packed up their things and embarked on their journey.
The trip was an uneventful one at first. They traversed through the forest and then climbed some steep hills. They eventually reached a clearing, but heard a loud roar coming from up ahead.
"If this is another second-hand smoke thing, I don't know how much I can take!" Gordon warned.
The three men quickly realized it was not another smoke demon. Instead, it was a giant bear, and it was charging right at them. Emmitt and Gordon ran for cover, but Rice stood his ground.
"Guys, that giant bear does not have a nut sack," Rice said. "I'll take care of this female bear."
WHOP! BAM! BOOM! POW!
The giant bear was destroyed, thanks to Rice's fists of fury. He then dragged it around, just for kicks, as Emmitt and Gordon rejoined him.
"Wow, you're so strong!" Gordon remarked.
"Ah, it's nothing," Rice said, waving his hand dismissively. "Once I saw that the bear had no nut sack, all of my fear was gone."
"Yeah, but you still beat up a giant bear... and not just a bear... it's a polar bear!" Gordon exclaimed. "Look, it's white!"
"Whoa, how is this possible?" Rice asked.
"I do not understand these," Emmitt chimed in. "One minute we in England, flying across the Atlantic Sea, and the next minute, we in the North Pole! I do not understand why the North Pole have so much hotness!"
Emmitt and his friends continued upward until they reached the highest point of the island. Gordon flipped out the radio and turned it on. He turned the nob one direction, and then the other. There was still static until...
"I just heard a voice!" Rice shouted. "Turn back! Turn back!"
Gordon moved the dial slowly in the opposite direction, and sure enough, a man was speaking in French...
"Je nage a la plage. Je joue au basket. J'aime le bain. Je suis un livre de francais. Je nage a la plage. Je joue au basket. J'aime le bain. Je suis un livre de francais. Je nage a la plage. Je joue au basket. J'aime le bain. Je suis un livre de francais."
The message continued to repeat.
"What's it saying!?" Gordon shouted. "Ray! I know for a fact that you took a French course at Rutgers!"
"But I never showed up because I was a 'student athlete.'" Rice yelled back.
"Ha, student athlete, that's always a good one," Gordon chuckled before realizing how dire the situation was. "Ray, I know you didn't learn anything in college like the rest of us 'student athletes,' but please, give it your best shot!"
"OK..." Rice sighed. He shut his eyes and focused on the French man's voice.
"I've been... I've been stuck here..." Rice whispered. "I've been stuck here on this island for 15 years... It killed... it killed us all... and it'll kill you too..."
Rice opened his eyes and saw that both Gordon and Emmitt were staring back at him with horrified expressions on their faces.
"Guys..." Rice muttered. "Where are we?"
UNEXPECTED HELP FOUND ON THE ISLAND
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Jan. 28, 2019
The trek back to the beach was uneventful. No polar bears or smoke demons prevented Emmitt and his friends from reaching the plane wreckage. When they finally arrived, they found Robert Kraft lying down on the sand, holding his stomach and sporting red and yellow stains on his face.
"Lots of blood and urine," Kraft said. "I don't feel too good."
The four men lit a signal fire every night, but to no avail. No passing ships or planes saw them, and it seemed as though they would be there forever. Eventually, the food ran out - save for what Kraft was hoarding - so they had to go hunting for boar. It was difficult to catch them at first, but they eventually got the hang of it. Ray Rice was instrumental in catching the female boar, thanks to his fists of fury.
Several weeks passed. The four men had no idea what day it was exactly because they all blended together. That is, until one afternoon when a bespectacled man emerged from the bushes.
"My name is Ben," he said, extending his hand. "Normally we kidnap and torture those who have arrived on the island, but you four slew the Monster, so we are grateful. All of us, really. Especially Jerry."
"Who's Jerry?" Gordon asked.
"Jerry is the most powerful man on the island," Ben answered. "No one has ever seen him. He has a shack somewhere in the woods, and I'm usually the only one allowed to enter. But that has changed. He told me he wants to meet the four of you because you destroyed the Monster."
Emmitt and his friends discussed this invitation amongst themselves.
"Guys, I'm scared, Jerry doesn't sound like a woman to me, so how will I beat him up if he causes trouble?" Rice asked, trembling.
"I am confuse, very confuse," Emmitt said. "Mike say we kill a monster, but I do not remember that we kill a monster."
"It was the smoke monster in the cockpit of the plane, remember, Emmitt?" Gordon asked. "I inhaled it completely because I am the master of second-hand smoke, cough, cough."
"Oh, that was a monster?" Emmitt replied in disbelief. "I thought that was just smoke, who happen to be the cousin of fire."
After deliberating for a bit, the four men agreed to venture to Jerry's cabin along with Ben. It took a while to locate it, but they eventually saw it in the distance. Ben kneeled down and scooped some white substance into his mouth.
"This prevents all evil from getting in," he explained. "It's amazing how much time and how many porno magazines it took Jerry to 'finish' making this circle. What a great, powerful man."
Ben approached the shack and knocked on the door. "Jerry, we're coming in!" he shouted. He then looked toward Emmitt and his friends and warned them: "Guys, if you have any cell phones or tablets, please turn them on because Jerry loves flashy things."
Ben slowly opened the door. The light nearly blinded Emmitt and his crew. Strobe and florescent lights were abound, and booming music blasted from a corner of the house. There were half-naked women everywhere. Emmitt and Gordon's jaws dropped. Rice clutched his fists.
An old man with white hair walked up to Ben and greeted him warmly. The man appeared to be in his mid-70s, though his face surprisingly wasn't sagging at all. He wore three giant rings on his hand. Emmitt recognized him immediately.
"Jimmy Jones!" Emmitt exclaimed. "I haven't seened you in a few week!"
"It's Jerry, Jerry Jones," the old man corrected Emmitt. "Gentlemen, welcome to Jerry's World 2.0!"
As he said this, a beautiful, half-naked woman approached Jerry and grinded against him. Jerry then smiled at a man holding a camera, who snapped a picture.
"Jerry, these men need help getting off this island," Ben said, trying to get Jerry's attention, as the Cowboys' owner was still grinding with some slut.
"Well, why didn't y'all just say so?" Jerry asked. "Here ya go, free Dallas Cowboys playoff tickets for the each of ya. These are very valuable."
Emmitt tried to protest, but Jerry countered. "Ya know what? If you buy my preseason ticket plan, I'll give y'all another free Dallas Cowboys playoff ticket, as well as a voucher for a hot dog and a nice, cold beer."
It took a while, but Emmitt eventually explained the dire situation, telling Jerry about the zombie infestation in England.
"Well why didn't y'all say the situation was so troublin'!?" Jerry exclaimed. "Come, Emmitt and friends, we can take my private jet back to America. It looks like we got some work to do."