The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Oct. 5, 2018
Emmitt didn't waste any time interrogating his new boss upon his arrival in Foxborough. Emmitt stormed into Kraft's office, where saw the Patriots' owner doing unspeakable things with a 30-year-old blonde. Sitting naked on top of his desk, Kraft commanded the blonde to insert Arby's roast beef sandwiches into his backside. Kraft stuffed mozzarella sticks into his mouth as this was going on.
"That's eight... it'll be a new record if we get to 12, Sally..." Kraft moaned.
"My name is Betty!" the woman replied sharply.
"Whatever you say; all I know is that you're the love of my life," Kraft gasped as sandwich No. 9 entered his rear end.
Kraft looked up and spotted a short, but compact black man standing in his doorway.
"Emmitt, can't you see that I'm busy here!?" Kraft shouted. "Why didn't my secretary tell you that I was... uhh... giving Sally here a job interview?"
"My name is Betty!" the woman repeated herself.
"Yeah, Betty, this is an important job interview, and you're ruining it!" Kraft bellowed. "Now, get the hell out of my office before I fire you and keep the Arby's coupons I was planning on giving you later!"
Emmitt approached the owner, unfazed by neither the perverted Arby's ordeal nor Kraft's threats.
"Guy who own New Zealand Patriot, maybe you do not recognize myselves, but I am Emmitt Smith, the guy who was your coach a few week ago. I mean a few year ago," Emmitt said. "I comed back to the team to find out what you has done with Brandon Lloyd chicken fingers."
"Chicken fingers?" Kraft said aloud. "As far as I know, Arby's doesn't have chicken fingers. And if they do, I'm going to have to take the entire weekend off so Sally and I can shove them into... I mean eat them together."
Emmitt turned to Betty, who didn't correct herself this time.
"Excuse me, Miss Salad, may I have a word in privates with guy that own Patriot?" Emmitt asked.
The dejected blonde gathered her clothes and walked out of the office. When she shut the door, Emmitt walked even closer to Kraft.
"Guy that own Patriot, I am under the covers tryin' to find out who kill Brandon Lloyd and stolened his chicken finger," Emmitt said quietly. "I has been ask by the FIB to infuriate the Patriot and find out the culprict behind the crime. And since you the boss, you the No. 1 suspect on my list. After that is guy who coach the Patriot and all the guy who play for Patriot."
"Emmitt, I honestly didn't do it!" Kraft pleaded. "Seriously, I have an alibi! Sally and I were at an Arby's convention when all of the crimes went down. I have pictures and convention tickets to prove it, I swear!"
Emmitt scratched his head in confusion. Kraft took this moment of silence to make a deal with his former coach.
"Emmitt, a scandal like this could totally ruin my franchise," Kraft said. "Can you imagine all of the distractions? I'll have to answer questions from the media instead of eat Arby's food, which would be a borderline disaster. I'll provide you with a cushy job here and all of the resources you need to find the perpetrator. In return, please be my voice to the media so I can concentrate on more pertinent business."
Kraft extended his arm, and Emmitt shook it. Hours later, the paperwork was complete, and Emmitt was the new Arby's Distraction Chief of Operations for the New England Patriots.
PATRIOTS BEAT JETS IN CONTROVERSIAL ENDING
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Oct. 8, 2018
It figures that Emmitt's first game back with the Patriots would contain some sort of controversial ending. Emmitt isn't patrolling the sidelines anymore, but he observed as the team's new Arby's Distraction Chief of Operations as Jets' head coach Rex Ryan embarrassed himself yet again.
The Patriots were up 49-3 in the third quarter when Ryan decided to pull starting quarterback Geno Smith in favor of disgruntled backup Mark Sanchez. The former first-round bust played out the fourth quarter until the final snap of the game. Now down 63-3 with one second remaining, Ryan inserted Smith back under center despite the fact that the Jets were on their own 5-yard line.
Smith snapped the ball and dropped back into his own end zone. He kept running backward and was suddenly off the field of play. The officials blew their whistles to indicate a safety, but that didn't stop Smith. He kept drifting back with his eyes downfield. Eventually, he was in the tunnel, but he continued to scan for an open receiver.
Smith finally settled on Stephen Hill, who already took his helmet off. He cocked his arm back to fire, but he hit it on a cart that was parked in the hallway. The ball fell out of his hands as a consequence, prompting Smith to pounce on what he thought was a fumble. He looked up for an official to prove that he had possession, but all he saw were his disappointed teammates heading back to the locker room.
As it turns out, Smith tore his rotator cuff on the pass attempt, and he'll be out for the rest of the season. Ryan announced that Sanchez will start over Smith going forward, but took a ton of heat for sending Smith back onto the field in a 63-3 contest with one second remaining.
"We're going to compete all the way through," Ryan said, facing the wrong direction at his press conference. "We had a chance to win that football game, so I put the best option on the field."
Ryan was bombarded with a ton of follow-up questions. He continued to talk with his back toward the media.
"A lot can happen in one second," Ryan said. "Believe me, I'm a football coach and you're not, so that gives me more credibility than you. A 63-3 deficit with one second remaining is not insurmountable. That's just nine touchdowns and eight onside kicks. It's a stretch, but it can happen."
So, if that's the case, why was Smith benched in favor of Sanchez in the first place? That was the natural next thing to ask, and Ryan seemed prepared for the question.
"I'll ask the love of my life to come in for that one," Ryan said. The media looked for Ryan's wife to walk into the room, but the coach rolled up his sleeve instead, revealing the famous tattoo of his wife in a Sanchez jersey.
"Dear, tell these nice reporters why I used Sanchez," Ryan said.
"Because Mark Sanchez is like super awesome," the tattoo replied, though it was really Ryan talking out of the side of his mouth.
"See? I do what the old lady tells me to do because I don't want to get put in the doghouse!" Ryan exclaimed.
The media members just sat there with their mouths agape, trying to process what was going on.
"Oh, you guys don't have any other questions for a girl as pretty as me? Tee hee hee!" the tattoo seemingly said. "I'm so pretty with my sexy Sanchez jersey, and my husband is so big! Tee hee hee!"
None of the journalists had anything to say. And how could they? Ryan took the opportunity to leave the press conference.
Hours later, several men showed up to the Ryan household and put the Jets' coach in a strait jacket. Ryan tried to roll up his sleeve.
"Hun, can you hear me!?" Ryan shouted. "These men are taking me away, but I'll try to be back by breakfast tomorrow. Make sure you're not wearing any shoes or socks!"