It's nice to have a draft order set and the Senior Bowl behind us (other all-star games, too, I suppose). The combine is the other big event of the offseason, so we really are halfway to the draft. Sort of.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
COACHES ABANDON PATRIOTS BEFORE FINALE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Dec. 30, 2015
The Patriots have overcome many bizarre things in the three years with Emmitt as their head coach. From trips to Afghanistan and Antarctica, to assassination attempts by Todd Haley, New England has always prevailed. However, their most difficult task could be ahead of them this weekend.
With a second-consecutive undefeated season on the line, New England will be without two of its coaches: offensive coordinator Eric Mangini and assistant to the offensive coordinator Shannon Sharpe.
The Patriots have prevailed without their coaches before - see Emmitt's month-long hiatus earlier in the year - but Mangini's knowledge of the Jets, his former team, was apparently instrumental to New England's potential 16th win of the season.
"It is instrument, very instrument," Emmitt said. "Now that we have lossed the Mangina and his assistant to the best friend, we have a big hoagie to overcome."
It all started Tuesday morning when Mangini rolled out of his bed and checked his e-mail. Archiving spam porn e-mails, Mangini noticed a message from a woman who called herself Miss Kindness.
Miss Kindness, a refugee from Senegal, claimed that her parents were killed by rebels. She told Mangini that she contacted him to inform him that she had a large sum of money that she needed to transfer into America. She also enclosed a picture of herself.
Hours later, Mangini walked into Emmitt's office to inform him that he was resigning.
"Miss Kindness is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life," Mangini told the media during his resignation speech. "Miss Kindness needs my help. She's being attacked by rebels, and I must save her."
Asked about his supposed almost-girlfriend Erin Andrews, Mangini shrugged his shoulders.
"Miss Kindness is hotter than my almost girlfriend Erin Andrews," Mangini replied. "I have a complicated scale to rate women. Erin is a 9.5478 out of 10 on my scale, and Miss Kindness is 9.8433. No woman I have ever seen has ever cracked the 9.55 barrier!"
As Mangini was packing up his stuff, Sharpe ran in to inform him that was resigning as well.
"No, Shannon, I don't need any help to save Miss Kidness!" Mangini replied.
"qewrgeofh wqowih bre h k jdvbfktk sduv hdfv jenn sterger t gehh8ro," Sharpe answered.
"Fine, Shannon, I suppose I could use some help to defeat the rebels that are after Miss Kindness," Mangini relented.
As you can imagine, Emmitt was not pleased to hear that his offensive coaches were gone and his game plan against the Jets went out the window.
"I feel like somebody take a gun and stab me in the back," Emmitt said. "I am very remorsefulness that Miss Kindful have been hunted down by the rebellion, but something do not seemed right about the e-mail message that the Mangina receive. It smell like fish stick to me."
WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Jan. 4, 2016
The Patriots will not be going 16-0 this year. They won't be 15-1 either. For the first time in NFL history, a team will finish its regular season with a 15-0 record.
The 2015 season finale between the Patriots and Jets has been canceled due to weather. Roger Goodell opted against moving the game to Tuesday, as he did with the Eagles-Vikings contest five years ago, because there weren't any playoff implications involved.
"The weather was unbearable," Goodell said. "No one could have possibly played in those conditions."
The conditions at Gillette Stadium on Sunday afternoon? An unprecedented 75 degrees and sunny. No wind either.
"Usually, the weather in New England in December and January is cold, dark, gray, snowy or rainy," Goodell explained. "But it was too sunny. No one would have been prepared for that. Do you know how many people could have gotten sun burn or skin cancer, or stuff like that? Do you? The sun is our enemy and a force that should not be reckoned with."
Foxborough wasn't the only city experiencing weather issues. Further south, Philadelphia had a sunny, 80-degree day. Corrupt mayor Michael Nutter declared a state of emergency for the city.
"Too damn hot and sunny!" Nutter exclaimed while writing a $500,000 check for his close friend doubling as a government employee. "Can't play football in this weather! Don't want people drivin' in this weather! No way! Can't have no people dyin', or I'm gonna lose tax money that I can give to my friends who then give some money back to me under the table!"
As you may imagine, many people, both in and out of football, were irate when they learned of the NFL's decision. Ed Rendell, former governor of Pennsylvania and current president of the Non-American Wussy Coalition, criticized both Goodell and Nutter, as well as everyone else in this country.
"Can't play in the snow, can't play in the sun? where exactly do these wussies draw the line?" Rendell asked rhetorically. "Anyone in the Non-American Wussy Coalition might as well wear women's underwear, not that there's anything wrong with that. Now, excuse me while my friends of the Non-American Wussy Coalition and I feast on some live deer we just hunted down."
Emmitt was also fuming about the cancelation of Sunday's game.
"You may think I'm breathin a sigh of release because the Mangina and his assistant to the best friend left for the city of African, but that is not the case at alls," Emmitt said. "I was lookin' backward to goin' 16-0 for the second season for the second time in a row, back to back. Now, all we can do is roll up ourselves, get the eye of the lion and prepare for the doggone playoff."
Let's just hope it's not too sunny during the postseason.