Emmitt on the Brink - Season 3: Week 17
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
COACHES ABANDON PATRIOTS BEFORE FINALE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Dec. 30, 2015
The Patriots have overcome many bizarre things in the three years with Emmitt as their head coach. From trips to Afghanistan and Antarctica, to assassination attempts by Todd Haley, New England has always prevailed. However, their most difficult task could be ahead of them this weekend.
With a second-consecutive undefeated season on the line, New England will be without two of its coaches: offensive coordinator Eric Mangini and assistant to the offensive coordinator Shannon Sharpe.
The Patriots have prevailed without their coaches before - see Emmitt's month-long hiatus earlier in the year - but Mangini's knowledge of the Jets, his former team, was apparently instrumental to New England's potential 16th win of the season. "It is instrument, very instrument," Emmitt said. "Now that we have lossed the Mangina and his assistant to the best friend, we have a big hoagie to overcome."
It all started Tuesday morning when Mangini rolled out of his bed and checked his e-mail. Archiving spam porn e-mails, Mangini noticed a message from a woman who called herself Miss Kindness.
Miss Kindness, a refugee from Senegal, claimed that her parents were killed by rebels. She told Mangini that she contacted him to inform him that she had a large sum of money that she needed to transfer into America. She also enclosed a picture of herself.
Hours later, Mangini walked into Emmitt's office to inform him that he was resigning.
"Miss Kindness is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life," Mangini told the media during his resignation speech. "Miss Kindness needs my help. She's being attacked by rebels, and I must save her."
Asked about his supposed almost-girlfriend Erin Andrews, Mangini shrugged his shoulders.
"Miss Kindness is hotter than my almost girlfriend Erin Andrews," Mangini replied. "I have a complicated scale to rate women. Erin is a 9.5478 out of 10 on my scale, and Miss Kindness is 9.8433. No woman I have ever seen has ever cracked the 9.55 barrier!"
As Mangini was packing up his stuff, Sharpe ran in to inform him that was resigning as well.
"9g weogiuhw worighr hberibs kbf bkwr," Sharpe said.
"No, Shannon, I don't need any help to save Miss Kidness!" Mangini replied.
"qewrgeofh wqowih bre h k jdvbfktk sduv hdfv jenn sterger t gehh8ro," Sharpe answered.
"Fine, Shannon, I suppose I could use some help to defeat the rebels that are after Miss Kindness," Mangini relented.
As you can imagine, Emmitt was not pleased to hear that his offensive coaches were gone and his game plan against the Jets went out the window.
"I feel like somebody take a gun and stab me in the back," Emmitt said. "I am very remorsefulness that Miss Kindful have been hunted down by the rebellion, but something do not seemed right about the e-mail message that the Mangina receive. It smell like fish stick to me."
WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Jan. 4, 2016
The Patriots will not be going 16-0 this year. They won't be 15-1 either. For the first time in NFL history, a team will finish its regular season with a 15-0 record.
The 2015 season finale between the Patriots and Jets has been canceled due to weather. Roger Goodell opted against moving the game to Tuesday, as he did with the Eagles-Vikings contest five years ago, because there weren't any playoff implications involved.
"The weather was unbearable," Goodell said. "No one could have possibly played in those conditions."
The conditions at Gillette Stadium on Sunday afternoon? An unprecedented 75 degrees and sunny. No wind either.
"Usually, the weather in New England in December and January is cold, dark, gray, snowy or rainy," Goodell explained. "But it was too sunny. No one would have been prepared for that. Do you know how many people could have gotten sun burn or skin cancer, or stuff like that? Do you? The sun is our enemy and a force that should not be reckoned with."
Foxborough wasn't the only city experiencing weather issues. Further south, Philadelphia had a sunny, 80-degree day. Corrupt mayor Michael Nutter declared a state of emergency for the city.
"Too damn hot and sunny!" Nutter exclaimed while writing a $500,000 check for his close friend doubling as a government employee. "Can't play football in this weather! Don't want people drivin' in this weather! No way! Can't have no people dyin', or I'm gonna lose tax money that I can give to my friends who then give some money back to me under the table!"
As you may imagine, many people, both in and out of football, were irate when they learned of the NFL's decision. Ed Rendell, former governor of Pennsylvania and current president of the Non-American Wussy Coalition, criticized both Goodell and Nutter, as well as everyone else in this country.
"Can't play in the snow, can't play in the sun… where exactly do these wussies draw the line?" Rendell asked rhetorically. "Anyone in the Non-American Wussy Coalition might as well wear women's underwear, not that there's anything wrong with that. Now, excuse me while my friends of the Non-American Wussy Coalition and I feast on some live deer we just hunted down."
Emmitt was also fuming about the cancelation of Sunday's game.
"You may think I'm breathin a sigh of release because the Mangina and his assistant to the best friend left for the city of African, but that is not the case at alls," Emmitt said. "I was lookin' backward to goin' 16-0 for the second season for the second time in a row, back to back. Now, all we can do is roll up ourselves, get the eye of the lion and prepare for the doggone playoff."
Let's just hope it's not too sunny during the postseason.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Season 7, Week 1 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS ESCAPE DOWNTOWN ABBOTT - Sept. 5
Season 7, Week 2 - WHAT HAPPENED TO JOSH GORDON - Sept. 12
Season 7, Week 3 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS LOST AT SEA - Sept. 19
Season 7, Week 4 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS EXPLORE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND - Sept. 26
Season 7, Week 5 - MANZIEL REVEALS SECRET TO EMMITT - Oct. 3
Season 7, Week 6 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS FIND THEMSELVES IN MIDDLE OF GANG WAR - Oct. 10
Season 7, Week 7 - EMMITT CONFRONTS LEADER OF THE BLOODS - Oct. 17
Season 7, Week 8 - JIM IRSAY DESTROYS CRIPS' HEADQUARTERS - Oct. 24
Season 7, Week 9 - EMMITT TRAPPED INSIDE THE TOWN - Oct. 31
Season 7, Week 10 - NEW THREAT IN WALKING BUC APOCALYPSE - Nov. 7
Season 7, Week 11 - DESEAN JACKSON SAVES EMMITT FROM ANDY REID - Nov. 14
Season 7, Week 12 - UNDERSTANDING JUSTIN BIEBER’S POWERS - Nov. 21
Season 7, Week 13 - THIEF THROWS WRENCH INTO PLANS - Nov. 28
Season 7, Week 14 - OLD NEMESIS TRIES TO THWART PLANS - Dec. 5
Season 7, Week 15 - ADRIAN PETERSON'S STORY - Dec. 12
Season 7, Week 16 - GATHERING THE WALKING BUCS - Dec. 19
Season 7, Week 17 - ADRIAN PETERSON USES THE SWITCH OF DESTINY; CARL NICKS ATTACKS - Dec. 26
2015 NFL Mock Draft - Feb. 26
2015 NBA Mock Draft - Feb. 24
Fantasy Football Rankings - Feb. 18
2016 NFL Mock Draft - Feb. 5
NFL Picks - Feb. 1
NFL Free Agents
© 1999-2014 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
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