2013: Emmitt on the Brink - Week 7
2013: Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots in 2013!
AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer
Wednesday, Oct. 16, 2013
Breaking news: Al Davis has filed a grievance with the NFL and is threatening to sue the league for $100 million.
OK, maybe this isn't so shocking; Davis has a history of suing the NFL. This time, the undead Raiders owner is claiming that his former head coach Dennis Green and Patriots coach Emmitt Smith conspired against him and lost last week's game intentionally.
Green is currently residing in the Fox River Mental Institution. He was unavailable for comment, as he was busy playing checkers with an imaginary mob boss and a deceased African drug lord.
Davis, meanwhile, addressed the media.
"JaMarcus... Russell... is a... great player... and he does not... deserve... this loss..." Davis said. "Now... servant... please reveal... the AIM conversation I made up... I mean found... on the Itternet."
"Yes, my master," replied a one-eyed hunchback, who turned on a projector, revealing a conversation held on Instant Messenger, which conveniently was missing the blue and red fonts that make the screen names distinguishable. Here is the alleged exchange between Green and Emmitt:
TraitorCoach123: "Hello, Mr. Emmitt Smith, how are you doing today?"Emmitt denied ever communicating with Dennis Green via the Web.
IlliterateCoach456: "I am terrific, Mr. Dennis Green, thanks for asking. I'm wondering how I'm going to stop JaMarcus Russell. He's such a great player. I wish people would just get over it."
TraitorCoach123: "Yes, absolutely. JaMarcus Russell is greater than great. He's the greatest player of them all. People definitely need to get over it."
IlliterateCoach456: "Let's just thank the Underground Overlord that Lane Kiffin, that loser, isn't coaching him anymore!"
TraitorCoach123: "Yes, let's praise our master. Hey, I have an idea. I'm going to lose this game on purpose. What do you think about that?"
IlliterateCoach456: "Sounds great to me. What would you like for compensation?"
TraitorCoach123: "How about you treat me to dinner? I would love some raw steak and goat blood. Mmmm..."
IlliterateCoach456: "Done and done. I'll even throw in dessert. Maggots and worms! Tasty!"
"I do not even know how to use the American On The Line," Emmitt said. "Darrell Green is a good coach with skill and smart, and I cannot believe he would conspiration to lose these game on purposely."
Roger Goodell was also unimpressed by Davis' so-called evidence.
"This idiot keeps manufacturing documents in hopes that people will believe they're legitimate," Goodell said. "I'd remove him, but he has influence with the devil, and I don't feel like spending my entire afterlife burning in hell."
Goodell added that if Davis keeps suing the league, he'll force him to hire Keyshawn Johnson as his head coach. Given how successful Emmitt has been with New England, perhaps Davis should keep doing what he does best.
PATRIOTS "DEBACLED;" BOOMER CRITICIZES EMMITT
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer
Monday, Oct. 21, 2013
Talk about adding insult to injury. Following New England's 58-0 loss to the Bills - Emmitt's first as the Patriots' head coach - Buffalo head coach Boomer Esiason bashed Emmitt, the entire coaching staff and Bob Kraft.
"Emmitt is a loser, and he'll never be a great coach in this league," Esiason declared. "Heck, a blind, one-legged dog would be a better coach than Emmitt. Emmitt can't speak English correctly, so he'll never win a Super Bowl, much like Dan Marino, my former colleague at CBS. Dan Marino sucks!"
Based solely on Sunday night's loss, Patriots fans might have to agree with Boomer's assessment. Down only 3-0 in the first quarter, Emmitt decided to go for it on a fourth-and-10 on his own 15. Center Dan Koppen snapped the ball to Anthony Morelli, who was leering at some hecklers in the stands. Morelli never saw the ball coming, so it bounced behind him, allowing a member of the defense to scoop it up and return it for a touchdown.
In the second quarter, Emmitt panicked once again, going for it on a fourth-and-24 in his own territory, down just 13-0. Morelli, still leering angrily at the hecklers, fired the ball in their direction. Morelli was whistled for intentional grounding, setting the Bills up in great field position. Morelli finished the game 2-of-29, minus-7 yards, six interceptions (three of which were pick-sixes) and three fumbles.
On the season, Morelli is now 4-of-53, one yard and 19 picks. For those of you who don't have calculators by your side, that's a YPA of 0.019.
"Those guys angry me! Those angry me!" Morelli yelled incoherently.
Emmitt, meanwhile, stated that he's sticking with Morelli but expressed some concern with the defense, even though his offense was largely responsible for Buffalo's scoring output.
"Our defense, it was devastationed today," Emmitt said. "That is the main reason we were blowed... blown... blewed... blowed... debacled."
Esiason criticized Emmitt's decision to stick with Morelli.
"This is exactly why Emmitt can't speak English correctly," Esiason stated. "He makes stupid decisions. Morelli is a drunk idiot who can't even start for anyone in the Mexican Football League, and that league's not even real! And if that league were real, it would suck almost as much as Dan Marino. Emmitt has a solid quarterback in Kevin O'Connell on his bench. If he knew how to speak English, he'd go to O'Connell. But Emmitt's a loser, just like all you media members asking me questions!
"Oh, and let me add one more thing," Esiason continued. "The Patriots will never win another Super Bowl. Not on my watch. Romeo Crennel and Bob Kraft are both fat - just like my former colleague, Dan Marino. And Dan's never won anything. Oh, and I can't forget about Brad Childress. He reminds me a lot of Troy Aikman. Why? Easy - they're both losers."
In the wake of the ugly loss and Esiason's comments, there is a silver lining - the Patriots will have plenty of bulletin board material the next time they take on the Bills. One can only hope that Morelli won't be drunk during the revenge game.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Emmitt Smith's Quotes
Emmitt Smith's 2008 NFL Mock Draft
2009 NFL Mock Draft
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