The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2013 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2013 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Thursday during the real 2008 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New England Patriots in 2013!
AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer Wednesday, Oct. 16, 2013
Breaking news: Al Davis has filed a grievance with the NFL and is threatening to sue the league for $100 million.
OK, maybe this isn't so shocking; Davis has a history of suing the NFL. This time, the undead Raiders owner is claiming that his former head coach Dennis Green and Patriots coach Emmitt Smith conspired against him and lost last week's game intentionally.
Green is currently residing in the Fox River Mental Institution. He was unavailable for comment, as he was busy playing checkers with an imaginary mob boss and a deceased African drug lord.
Davis, meanwhile, addressed the media.
"JaMarcus... Russell... is a... great player... and he does not... deserve... this loss..." Davis said. "Now... servant... please reveal... the AIM conversation I made up... I mean found... on the Itternet."
"Yes, my master," replied a one-eyed hunchback, who turned on a projector, revealing a conversation held on Instant Messenger, which conveniently was missing the blue and red fonts that make the screen names distinguishable. Here is the alleged exchange between Green and Emmitt:
TraitorCoach123: "Hello, Mr. Emmitt Smith, how are you doing today?"
IlliterateCoach456: "I am terrific, Mr. Dennis Green, thanks for asking. I'm wondering how I'm going to stop JaMarcus Russell. He's such a great player. I wish people would just get over it."
TraitorCoach123: "Yes, absolutely. JaMarcus Russell is greater than great. He's the greatest player of them all. People definitely need to get over it."
IlliterateCoach456: "Let's just thank the Underground Overlord that Lane Kiffin, that loser, isn't coaching him anymore!"
TraitorCoach123: "Yes, let's praise our master. Hey, I have an idea. I'm going to lose this game on purpose. What do you think about that?"
IlliterateCoach456: "Sounds great to me. What would you like for compensation?"
TraitorCoach123: "How about you treat me to dinner? I would love some raw steak and goat blood. Mmmm..."
IlliterateCoach456: "Done and done. I'll even throw in dessert. Maggots and worms! Tasty!"
Emmitt denied ever communicating with Dennis Green via the Web.
"I do not even know how to use the American On The Line," Emmitt said. "Darrell Green is a good coach with skill and smart, and I cannot believe he would conspiration to lose these game on purposely."
Roger Goodell was also unimpressed by Davis' so-called evidence.
"This idiot keeps manufacturing documents in hopes that people will believe they're legitimate," Goodell said. "I'd remove him, but he has influence with the devil, and I don't feel like spending my entire afterlife burning in hell."
Goodell added that if Davis keeps suing the league, he'll force him to hire Keyshawn Johnson as his head coach. Given how successful Emmitt has been with New England, perhaps Davis should keep doing what he does best.
PATRIOTS "DEBACLED;" BOOMER CRITICIZES EMMITT
By Steve Sanders, Boston Beat Senior Writer Monday, Oct. 21, 2013
Talk about adding insult to injury. Following New England's 58-0 loss to the Bills - Emmitt's first as the Patriots' head coach - Buffalo head coach Boomer Esiason bashed Emmitt, the entire coaching staff and Bob Kraft.
"Emmitt is a loser, and he'll never be a great coach in this league," Esiason declared. "Heck, a blind, one-legged dog would be a better coach than Emmitt. Emmitt can't speak English correctly, so he'll never win a Super Bowl, much like Dan Marino, my former colleague at CBS. Dan Marino sucks!"
Based solely on Sunday night's loss, Patriots fans might have to agree with Boomer's assessment. Down only 3-0 in the first quarter, Emmitt decided to go for it on a fourth-and-10 on his own 15. Center Dan Koppen snapped the ball to Anthony Morelli, who was leering at some hecklers in the stands. Morelli never saw the ball coming, so it bounced behind him, allowing a member of the defense to scoop it up and return it for a touchdown.
In the second quarter, Emmitt panicked once again, going for it on a fourth-and-24 in his own territory, down just 13-0. Morelli, still leering angrily at the hecklers, fired the ball in their direction. Morelli was whistled for intentional grounding, setting the Bills up in great field position. Morelli finished the game 2-of-29, minus-7 yards, six interceptions (three of which were pick-sixes) and three fumbles.
On the season, Morelli is now 4-of-53, one yard and 19 picks. For those of you who don't have calculators by your side, that's a YPA of 0.019.
"Those guys angry me! Those angry me!" Morelli yelled incoherently.
Emmitt, meanwhile, stated that he's sticking with Morelli but expressed some concern with the defense, even though his offense was largely responsible for Buffalo's scoring output.
"Our defense, it was devastationed today," Emmitt said. "That is the main reason we were blowed... blown... blewed... blowed... debacled."
Esiason criticized Emmitt's decision to stick with Morelli.
"This is exactly why Emmitt can't speak English correctly," Esiason stated. "He makes stupid decisions. Morelli is a drunk idiot who can't even start for anyone in the Mexican Football League, and that league's not even real! And if that league were real, it would suck almost as much as Dan Marino. Emmitt has a solid quarterback in Kevin O'Connell on his bench. If he knew how to speak English, he'd go to O'Connell. But Emmitt's a loser, just like all you media members asking me questions!
"Oh, and let me add one more thing," Esiason continued. "The Patriots will never win another Super Bowl. Not on my watch. Romeo Crennel and Bob Kraft are both fat - just like my former colleague, Dan Marino. And Dan's never won anything. Oh, and I can't forget about Brad Childress. He reminds me a lot of Troy Aikman. Why? Easy - they're both losers."
In the wake of the ugly loss and Esiason's comments, there is a silver lining - the Patriots will have plenty of bulletin board material the next time they take on the Bills. One can only hope that Morelli won't be drunk during the revenge game.