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The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Nov. 1, 2016
Emmitt is no longer the head coach of the Patriots, but that doesn't mean the antics have stopped in New England. In the first such move ever in the history of the NFL, head coach JaMarcus Russell became the head coach-quarterback of his team.
How can a head coach also be the quarterback? Well, that's what happens when Tom Brady goes down with an injury.
"Haha guy name Brody got twist in knee and doctor guy say he can't play because he have injure, do ya tink so?" Russell asked/said to the media.
Thanks to the retirement of Anthony Morelli, the 5-1 Patriots turned to Russell, the head coach, over Curtis Painter.
"I have no idea why teams start drunken quarterbacks and brain-dead head coaches over me," Painter said while brushing his beautiful blond hair. "I mean, I suck, but I don't think I'm that bad. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for my weekly perm appointment."
Russell's debut didn't go too well. Coaching his own offense, Russell tried calling a play to himself, but all he heard was radio feedback in his own headset. This resulted in 25 consecutive delay-of-game penalties.
"Radio not working haha," Russell said. "When tings don't work, I like to break tings so maybe it work, but usually do not work haha, do ya tink so?"
Stuck with a first-and-30 on his own one-eighth yard line, Russell ditched the broke headset, looked at the play sheet and decided on a call for himself. He went with a defensive formation.
"I listen to the TV other day and guy on TV say that defense win championships," Russell said. "So why not I play defense on offense times, haha?"
That didn't work so well. All the Patriot players were confused and shifting around the football field frantically. The center, playing down as the nose tackle, snapped the ball back, but Russell, playing safety, was standing out of the end zone. New England was whistled for a safety.
"I tawt score points in end zone mean you score points, but referee give point to other team, I dunno what happens!" Russell shouted in complete bewilderment.
New England ultimately lost, 94-0. Russell took no blame for the loss, however.
"Tom Cable say bad tings to me before game and make me sad," Russell whimpered. "Plus I have booger in nose that stuck dere all game. How can play when booger in nose, do ya tink so?"
With Brady out indefinitely, this is definitely going to be a long season for the Patriots.
PATRIOTS HAVE TWO COACHING CHANGES
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, Nov. 5, 2016
Those expecting the Patriots to bring in a veteran quarterback were in for a surprise Wednesday afternoon. Instead of acquiring someone to displace JaMarcus Russell as the starting signal-caller, New England hired Jim Tressel as its new head coach.
"I was looking at the list of available quarterbacks, and then I thought, it might just be cheaper to bring in a head coach and make that JaMarcus guy the full-time quarterback," owner Bob Kraft said. "According to my calculations, I can buy 20,000 more Arby's meals with the money I'm saving. Now, if you'll excuse me, if I don't leave know, I'll be late for my eighth lunch of the day. Arby's lunch specials end in 15 minutes!"
Tressel wasted no time changing things up. Per sources, he called Russell into his office, handed him a piece of paper and shooed his quarterback away. The following day, Russell was spotted washing cars at a local car dealership.
"I put water on car, I put yellow square on car, I put towel on car, and guy who own place give me big envelope with money!" Russell exclaimed.
It's true. We talked to the owner of the dealership, and he revealed that he pays Russell $5,000 an hour, with the money directly coming from Tressel.
That afternoon, Tressel was asked about Russell's new employment. When Tressel told the reporter that he had no knowledge of the incident, he was asked why Russell needed a job on top of his regular paycheck.
"Holy crap, you can pay players in the NFL!?" Tressel shrieked. "Wow, this National Football League thing is way too easy!"
By Thursday evening, every single Patriot player was informed that they would be receiving free tattoos at the local tattoo parlor. By Friday afternoon, every member of the team had a job lined up at a car dealership.
And by Friday evening? Tressel resigned.
"The NFL is boring," Tressel declared. "There's really no fun in it. Giving players free tattoos and high-paying regular jobs used to be amusing, but because it's within the rules now, I don't really want to do it anymore."
No one is sure what the Patriots plan to do about their present quarterbacking dilemma, but for the meantime, Russell will remain the head coach-quarterback.
"I write new plan to win football game," Russell revealed late Friday night. "When I was quarterback on Raider, fat guy name Sabas Jankowski kick ball real good. Why no pretend to kick ball but throw ball instead? I tink dis will work, do ya tink so?"
No, we don't. It sounds like the Patriots may lose by 94 again.