The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Sept. 11, 2017
It appears as though Roger Goodell has more trouble on his hands than he initially realized. Despite banishing the New Orleans Saints from the NFL this season, the commissioner quickly discovered that he had to deal with perverted sexual acts on the football field, presumably done for money, during kickoff weekend of the 2017 campaign.
"It was horrible, just horrible," Goodell said with a slight hint of frustration in his voice. "I thought the mastermind I was looking for was going to do something in the future, maybe after I allowed the Saints to reenter the league. I never fathomed that anything devious would occur this weekend."
But it did. During the second half of the Colts-Seahawks game, disgraced linebacker Jonathan Vilma snuck onto the field as replacement referee Don King - no, not THAT Don King - was making his announcement.
"Holding. On the defense. That's a 20-yard penalty. First down, Arizona. No wait, that's not right..."
As King tried to figure out where he went wrong, Vilma stealthily approached Andrew Luck. He then grabbed Luck's pants, pulled them down, bent him over and performed ungodly things with the quarterback's rear end using hamsters, toast and mayonnaise.
"Oh God, this just doesn't feel right!" Luck cried in agony.
King, meanwhile, still had no idea what was going on. He tried to announce the same penalty again.
"Holding. On the offense. There were two men in motion. That's a 25-yard penalty. First down, Arizona. No, wait, that's not right either..."
The other Colt players, who were frustrated with King's incompetence, finally realized what was going on with their quarterback. Unfortunately, it was too late. Vilma laughed maniacally and threw a smoke bomb. He disappeared once everything was visible again. King, of course, was oblivious to all of this.
"Holding. On the special teams. Two players were engaged with the defender at the same time. That's a 3-yard penalty. First down, New York. Hmm... I think I got it this time."
All the talk after the game was how Vilma violated Luck. No one discussed the utter ineptness of the replacement officials; in fact, we were the only ones to pose the question to Goodell at his press conference.
"Worried about the refs, are you kidding me?" Goodell asked rhetorically. "We have a madman on the loose, sticking hamsters, toast and mayonnaise into Pro Bowl quarterbacks' anuses, and you want to discuss the replacement officials? Are you insane? And what the real refs are asking for is ridiculous anyway. I can't believe they want $1.50 more per hour. What an outrage. The National Football League is just a multi-billion dollar industry. We can't afford such extravagances."
We respectfully disagree with Goodell because the replacement officials are worth discussing. The New York Jets lost because their kick returner was called for an illegal chop block as he was taking the game-winning kickoff to the house. The Washington Redskins suffered a defeat because Robert Griffin III was whistled for roughing the quarterback when he threw what should have been the decisive touchdown to Pierre Garcon. And perhaps the worst offense came against the Ravens, who were whistled for a mysterious "obstruction of justice" 80-yard penalty with 30 seconds remaining in their contest.
Unfortunately, it doesn't look like Goodell is going to do anything about this. He's just too preoccupied with finding the mastermind behind Bountygate II. We're hoping that Emmitt, his chief investigator, has some good news for us in the coming days, but we're not holding our breath.
EMMITT STYMIED; NEW PLAN TO ENSUE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Sept. 13, 2017
We were hoping for some good news from Emmitt regarding his quest to find the mastermind behind Bountygate II. After all, we can only take so much of Roger Goodell averting attention away from the horrible officiating to the atrocities of Jonathan Vilma and Bountygate II.
"Yes, I know that it's wrong if an official says, �Obstruction of justice, on the offense, that's an 80-yard penalty, first down Arizona,' I freaking know that," Goodell bellowed when answering yet another question from us about the replacement refs. "I know obstruction of justice is not an NFL penalty, but that's an honest mistake. Anyone could have made it. These replacement officials are putting forth their best effort. That's all I can ask of them. I'll remind them that obstruction of justice cannot be called in a football game."
Goodell then switched gears to Bountygate II.
"I am pleased to announce that Emmitt has some news for us regarding Bountygate II," Goodell revealed. "I haven't discussed anything with Emmitt yet because I wanted you, the public, to be the first to know. I consider the safety of others to be paramount, so as long as there are evil people out there committing heinous, sexual acts, I will share the news with everyone as soon as I receive it."
Goodell then introduced Emmitt, who took the podium.
"Thank you Roger Goldman for introducting me and thank you for your message," Emmitt said. "I firmly agree that the people need to hear the information I has while I announcin' it at the first time. The people can then see that the news comin' straight from the horse's head.
"It leave me with great sadness to report that the people at the animal registry thing do not come through," Emmitt lamented. "First of all, I have it wrongly before. I say that the group call PETER, but when I look up their phone number in the dictionary, he tell me that the group actually call PETA. PETA, as I comes to learn, stand for Pet Elephant Tiger Animal. That mean that PETA protect every animal, including elephant, tiger, pet and animal, so they got all their basements covered."
Emmitt then recounted what transpired when he called the PETA hotline.
"I hold up the telephone and call PETA, and he answer right away," Emmitt said. "I ask him what I has to do to stop the Saint from stuffin' hamster and mayonnaise in the other players' behind."
According to Emmitt, the phone conversation went something like this:
Emmitt: The poor hamster and the poor mayonnaise always getting' trapped in the other players' backside.
PETA Representative: People are treating hamsters this way? Really? I'm going to have to alert the PETA Overlord immediately after I take down your information. Where did you say this was happening again?
Emmitt: Not only the hamster getting' push into the backside, but the mayonnaise getting' push into the backside too as well!
PETA Representative: Mayonnaise? Why would we care about mayonnaise?
Emmitt: Because you part of PETA, which stand for Pet Elephant Tiger Animal. And mayonnaise is not only a pet, it an animal too. Like sometime the math teacher say the square is always a circle, but a circle is sometime a square.
PETA Representative: A circle is sometimes a square? What? And I don't understand how mayonnaise fits under the pet or animal category.
Emmitt: Why the mayonnaise not under the pet or animals?
PETA Representative: Because it's a food item!
Emmitt: That do not mean anythin', Mr. PETA guy. A chicken is both a food and an animals. If somebody stick a chicken in the behind, would you not be very angry about these?
PETA Representative: Well, yes, because a chicken is an actual animal. Mayonnaise is not an animal.
Emmitt: This is ignorance. Very ignorance. How can you say a mayonnaise not an animal when my friend Rufus from childhood have a pet mayonnaise name Buster.
PETA Representative: Your friend had a jar of mayonnaise and considered that his pet? What an idiot.
Emmitt: And that, my friend, is the final camel that broke the straw's back. I very disappointment that PETA cannot help me in these matter. I will have to find help elsewheres to save the hamster and the mayonnaise.
Emmitt stared down at the podium for a few seconds and let out a long sigh.
"It appear as though I'm back at square ones," Emmitt said. "Or, if you my math teacher, maybe he say I'm back at sometime circle ones."