Emmitt on the Brink - Season 5: Week 2
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Sept. 11, 2017
It appears as though Roger Goodell has more trouble on his hands than he initially realized. Despite banishing the New Orleans Saints from the NFL this season, the commissioner quickly discovered that he had to deal with perverted sexual acts on the football field, presumably done for money, during kickoff weekend of the 2017 campaign.
"It was horrible, just horrible," Goodell said with a slight hint of frustration in his voice. "I thought the mastermind I was looking for was going to do something in the future, maybe after I allowed the Saints to reenter the league. I never fathomed that anything devious would occur this weekend."
But it did. During the second half of the Colts-Seahawks game, disgraced linebacker Jonathan Vilma snuck onto the field as replacement referee Don King - no, not THAT Don King - was making his announcement.
"Holding. On the defense. That's a 20-yard penalty. First down, Arizona. No wait, that's not right..."
As King tried to figure out where he went wrong, Vilma stealthily approached Andrew Luck. He then grabbed Luck's pants, pulled them down, bent him over and performed ungodly things with the quarterback's rear end using hamsters, toast and mayonnaise.
"Oh God, this just doesn't feel right!" Luck cried in agony.
King, meanwhile, still had no idea what was going on. He tried to announce the same penalty again. "Holding. On the offense. There were two men in motion. That's a 25-yard penalty. First down, Arizona. No, wait, that's not right either..."
The other Colt players, who were frustrated with King's incompetence, finally realized what was going on with their quarterback. Unfortunately, it was too late. Vilma laughed maniacally and threw a smoke bomb. He disappeared once everything was visible again. King, of course, was oblivious to all of this.
"Holding. On the special teams. Two players were engaged with the defender at the same time. That's a 3-yard penalty. First down, New York. Hmm... I think I got it this time."
All the talk after the game was how Vilma violated Luck. No one discussed the utter ineptness of the replacement officials; in fact, we were the only ones to pose the question to Goodell at his press conference.
"Worried about the refs, are you kidding me?" Goodell asked rhetorically. "We have a madman on the loose, sticking hamsters, toast and mayonnaise into Pro Bowl quarterbacks' anuses, and you want to discuss the replacement officials? Are you insane? And what the real refs are asking for is ridiculous anyway. I can't believe they want $1.50 more per hour. What an outrage. The National Football League is just a multi-billion dollar industry. We can't afford such extravagances."
We respectfully disagree with Goodell because the replacement officials are worth discussing. The New York Jets lost because their kick returner was called for an illegal chop block as he was taking the game-winning kickoff to the house. The Washington Redskins suffered a defeat because Robert Griffin III was whistled for roughing the quarterback when he threw what should have been the decisive touchdown to Pierre Garcon. And perhaps the worst offense came against the Ravens, who were whistled for a mysterious "obstruction of justice" 80-yard penalty with 30 seconds remaining in their contest.
Unfortunately, it doesn't look like Goodell is going to do anything about this. He's just too preoccupied with finding the mastermind behind Bountygate II. We're hoping that Emmitt, his chief investigator, has some good news for us in the coming days, but we're not holding our breath.
EMMITT STYMIED; NEW PLAN TO ENSUE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Wednesday, Sept. 13, 2017
We were hoping for some good news from Emmitt regarding his quest to find the mastermind behind Bountygate II. After all, we can only take so much of Roger Goodell averting attention away from the horrible officiating to the atrocities of Jonathan Vilma and Bountygate II.
"Yes, I know that it's wrong if an official says, ‘Obstruction of justice, on the offense, that's an 80-yard penalty, first down Arizona,' I freaking know that," Goodell bellowed when answering yet another question from us about the replacement refs. "I know obstruction of justice is not an NFL penalty, but that's an honest mistake. Anyone could have made it. These replacement officials are putting forth their best effort. That's all I can ask of them. I'll remind them that obstruction of justice cannot be called in a football game."
Goodell then switched gears to Bountygate II.
"I am pleased to announce that Emmitt has some news for us regarding Bountygate II," Goodell revealed. "I haven't discussed anything with Emmitt yet because I wanted you, the public, to be the first to know. I consider the safety of others to be paramount, so as long as there are evil people out there committing heinous, sexual acts, I will share the news with everyone as soon as I receive it."
Goodell then introduced Emmitt, who took the podium.
"Thank you Roger Goldman for introducting me and thank you for your message," Emmitt said. "I firmly agree that the people need to hear the information I has while I announcin' it at the first time. The people can then see that the news comin' straight from the horse's head.
"It leave me with great sadness to report that the people at the animal registry thing do not come through," Emmitt lamented. "First of all, I have it wrongly before. I say that the group call PETER, but when I look up their phone number in the dictionary, he tell me that the group actually call PETA. PETA, as I comes to learn, stand for Pet Elephant Tiger Animal. That mean that PETA protect every animal, including elephant, tiger, pet and animal, so they got all their basements covered."
Emmitt then recounted what transpired when he called the PETA hotline.
"I hold up the telephone and call PETA, and he answer right away," Emmitt said. "I ask him what I has to do to stop the Saint from stuffin' hamster and mayonnaise in the other players' behind."
According to Emmitt, the phone conversation went something like this:
Emmitt: The poor hamster and the poor mayonnaise always getting' trapped in the other players' backside.
PETA Representative: People are treating hamsters this way? Really? I'm going to have to alert the PETA Overlord immediately after I take down your information. Where did you say this was happening again?
Emmitt: Not only the hamster getting' push into the backside, but the mayonnaise getting' push into the backside too as well!
PETA Representative: Mayonnaise? Why would we care about mayonnaise?
Emmitt: Because you part of PETA, which stand for Pet Elephant Tiger Animal. And mayonnaise is not only a pet, it an animal too. Like sometime the math teacher say the square is always a circle, but a circle is sometime a square.
PETA Representative: A circle is sometimes a square? What? And I don't understand how mayonnaise fits under the pet or animal category.
Emmitt: Why the mayonnaise not under the pet or animals?
PETA Representative: Because it's a food item!
Emmitt: That do not mean anythin', Mr. PETA guy. A chicken is both a food and an animals. If somebody stick a chicken in the behind, would you not be very angry about these?
PETA Representative: Well, yes, because a chicken is an actual animal. Mayonnaise is not an animal.
Emmitt: This is ignorance. Very ignorance. How can you say a mayonnaise not an animal when my friend Rufus from childhood have a pet mayonnaise name Buster.
PETA Representative: Your friend had a jar of mayonnaise and considered that his pet? What an idiot.
Emmitt: And that, my friend, is the final camel that broke the straw's back. I very disappointment that PETA cannot help me in these matter. I will have to find help elsewheres to save the hamster and the mayonnaise.
Emmitt stared down at the podium for a few seconds and let out a long sigh.
"It appear as though I'm back at square ones," Emmitt said. "Or, if you my math teacher, maybe he say I'm back at sometime circle ones."
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Fantasy Football Rankings - July 30
2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24
2015 NFL Mock Draft - July 23
2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1
NFL Free Agents
NFL Picks - Feb. 2
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