The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Sept. 17, 2015
It's only Week 2 of the 2015 NFL season, yet the Lions have already lost all hope.
Mirroring a sequence that occurred in 2010, Matthew Stafford was sacked by Julius Peppers in the opener. Instead of leaving the game like he did five years ago, however, Stafford remained under center. Thirty sacks later, and Stafford had already suffered two torn ACLs, MCLs, PCLs and LCLs.
The team doctors put Stafford into a wheelchair after the game, but that won't stop Lions head coach Jim Schwartz from using Stafford in this week's contest against the Patriots.
"I've learned from my friend Andy Reid that it's OK to play injured players," Schwartz said. "Reid told me that concussions, torn ACLs and sports hernias don't matter. Players must play. The only exception is that dead players shouldn't play because they won't be able to move around or contribute anything. So that's not a good thing. Dead players suck."
With Stafford's mobility compromised because of his wheelchair, Schwartz expressed confidence that unlike last week, his quarterback would remain unscathed.
"We have Jeff Backus, the best left tackle in the universe," Schwartz said. "Sure, all the guys on TV and the Internet will tell you that Backus allowed 30 sacks last week, but that's bull crap. Backus wasn't responsible for any of them. He is awesome, and to tell you the truth, I wouldn't mind having sex with him if I were a gay man. Which I'm not, of course."
No quarterback has ever started an NFL game in a wheelchair before, so Emmitt decided to have one of his scout-team players sit in a wheelchair during practice. Unfortunately, this only distracted the team.
"Haha eh yo, guy sitting in chair with wheel haha," quarterback Anthony Morelli said. "Move chair, wheel spin, haha. Move chair, wheel move fast, eh yo. Haha, what up G!? Wheel move, chair move more! Uhh... eh yo... huh?"
Wide receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey then opted to sit in the chair, citing he had leg fatigue again.
"Oh man, I'm just so tired," Heyward-Bey said. "I've been working so hard this offseason with all of these practices. I need a break."
Heyward-Bey is doubtful for Sunday's game.
Emmitt, meanwhile, was not pleased with his team's lack of focus.
"I have been in this league a couple of weeks, or a couple of years, and I am full capable of knowin' what the Lion capable of," Emmitt said. "The Lion always play with a lot of heart, because as the old story go, the Lion was always lookin' for heart in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. The Lion lookin' for heart, the Witch lookin' for broom, and the Wardrobe lookin' for apple."
We're not sure where Emmitt heard that version of the story from, but Sunday's game against the wounded Lions will prove to be interesting nonetheless.
PATRIOTS WIN ON CONTROVERSIAL CALL
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Sept. 21, 2015
No matter how hard they try, nothing ever seems to go the Lions' way.
Down 19-14 with less than a minute remaining, Detroit was driving down the field on New England's defense. Poor wheelchair-stricken Matthew Stafford, who had been sacked 84 times during the afternoon, was finally engineering what looked to be a successful scoring possession; the Lions' 14 points were off dual pick-sixes.
One play after Stafford led the Lions into Patriots territory, the injured quarterback lobbed up a beautiful pass to Calvin Johnson into the end zone. Johnson caught the ball and made sure he held on to it throughout the duration of the reception. Unlike the controversial call back in 2010, the play was ruled a touchdown, and Johnson happily trotted back to the sidelines.
Unfortunately for the Lions, the replay booth reviewed the call and ultimately decided to overturn it.
"A year ago, that would have been a reception," said former NFL head of officiating Mike Pereira. "The bad news for Calvin Johnson is that he loses yet another game-winning touchdown, but rules are rules."
Pereira was kind enough to walk us through what exactly Johnson did wrong.
"Here's the new rule," Pereira said. "A player must catch the football with two feet inbounds, and maintain control through the entire process. That much we already knew.
"Now, with the new rules in place," Pereira continued, "a player must also possess the ball for 11.95 seconds in the end zone, spin the ball around on the ground five times, and then perform eight cartwheels with the ball in his left hand and four more in his right hand. After this, the player must take a lighter out of his pocket and set the ball aflame. Ten minutes later, the player must put the fire out without using any water."
And if a player does all that, the touchdown stands?
"Probably not, but keep in mind that this rule only applies to Calvin Johnson in game-winning situations," Pereira revealed. "We think Calvin's a douche bag, so we're just trying to screw over him and his fantasy owners the best we can."
Johnson stormed off the field in frustration. Patriots offensive coordinator Eric Mangini eagerly wobbled after him.
"Calvin, I'm going to have a surprise party for myself sometime soon, can you come?" Mangini shouted.
"F*** you and your surprise party, fat boy!" Johnson yelled back.
Mangini slumped away, but remained confident in the post-game interviews.
"Calvin Johnson is one of my three best friends along with Randy Moss and Larry Fitzgerald," Mangini said. "He probably didn't know who I was because I'm wearing new blue-and-red colors. I'll have to ask Emmitt if I can go back to wearing green-and-white colors like I did with the Jets so my cool friends can recognize me."
Emmitt refused to answer any questions regarding Mangini's wardrobe, instead focusing on his team's victory.
"A win the National Conference is very hard to comes by, and to the victory go the spoiled food," Emmitt said. "And I would also like to say that I very proud to be part of histories. No team in the football conference have ever defbeated a quarterback who sit on his behind with a chair with wheel. Christopher Collins discover the United States of American, Neil Armlong discover the moon, Ben Franklin discover the lightnin' bug, and I discover how defbeat a quarterback who sit the whole time durin' the game."
Whether it's a worthy accomplishment or not is certainly up for debate, but the fact remains that Emmitt and his Patriots did in fact make history on Sunday.
Walter your inability to bet the Patriots all year with Brady on the team is inexplicable. Yes, since Brady came back from suspension, you bet the Patriots 0 times, even though they covered as decent and often huge favorites. Why? Why are you more afraid than Goodell is to show up at Foxborough to bet on a great team to beat inferior oponents by a large margin? You lost out on a lot of money. As for the Patriots defense who will be "overwhelmed" by Pittsburgh hahaha, the Patriots defense has stepped up when it needed to. Logan Ryan who is not even the best DB let alone CB on the team just had a dominant game covering one of the best wide receivers in the league. And you're going to say that Brady can't go stride for stride against Big Ben who, with his 0 TD performance last Sunday, once again proved that he has turned into an awful road playoff QB? You know what 0 TDs will win you in the AFC Championship game? I don't believe that betting on Pitt getting 6 points is a bad decision - seeing as I may do the same. But to predict the Patriots to straight up lose is laughable. The advantage they have on defense and coaching is pretty big and they may even be even offensively solely because Brady has been using Edelman more and more and Dion Lewis's return has shown to be very important.