Emmitt on the Brink - Season 3: Week 2
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Sept. 17, 2015
It's only Week 2 of the 2015 NFL season, yet the Lions have already lost all hope.
Mirroring a sequence that occurred in 2010, Matthew Stafford was sacked by Julius Peppers in the opener. Instead of leaving the game like he did five years ago, however, Stafford remained under center. Thirty sacks later, and Stafford had already suffered two torn ACLs, MCLs, PCLs and LCLs.
The team doctors put Stafford into a wheelchair after the game, but that won't stop Lions head coach Jim Schwartz from using Stafford in this week's contest against the Patriots.
"I've learned from my friend Andy Reid that it's OK to play injured players," Schwartz said. "Reid told me that concussions, torn ACLs and sports hernias don't matter. Players must play. The only exception is that dead players shouldn't play because they won't be able to move around or contribute anything. So that's not a good thing. Dead players suck."
With Stafford's mobility compromised because of his wheelchair, Schwartz expressed confidence that unlike last week, his quarterback would remain unscathed.
"We have Jeff Backus, the best left tackle in the universe," Schwartz said. "Sure, all the guys on TV and the Internet will tell you that Backus allowed 30 sacks last week, but that's bull crap. Backus wasn't responsible for any of them. He is awesome, and to tell you the truth, I wouldn't mind having sex with him if I were a gay man. Which I'm not, of course."
No quarterback has ever started an NFL game in a wheelchair before, so Emmitt decided to have one of his scout-team players sit in a wheelchair during practice. Unfortunately, this only distracted the team.
"Haha eh yo, guy sitting in chair with wheel haha," quarterback Anthony Morelli said. "Move chair, wheel spin, haha. Move chair, wheel move fast, eh yo. Haha, what up G!? Wheel move, chair move more! Uhh... eh yo... huh?"
Wide receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey then opted to sit in the chair, citing he had leg fatigue again.
"Oh man, I'm just so tired," Heyward-Bey said. "I've been working so hard this offseason with all of these practices. I need a break."
Heyward-Bey is doubtful for Sunday's game.
Emmitt, meanwhile, was not pleased with his team's lack of focus.
"I have been in this league a couple of weeks, or a couple of years, and I am full capable of knowin' what the Lion capable of," Emmitt said. "The Lion always play with a lot of heart, because as the old story go, the Lion was always lookin' for heart in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. The Lion lookin' for heart, the Witch lookin' for broom, and the Wardrobe lookin' for apple."
We're not sure where Emmitt heard that version of the story from, but Sunday's game against the wounded Lions will prove to be interesting nonetheless.
PATRIOTS WIN ON CONTROVERSIAL CALL
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Sept. 21, 2015
No matter how hard they try, nothing ever seems to go the Lions' way.
Down 19-14 with less than a minute remaining, Detroit was driving down the field on New England's defense. Poor wheelchair-stricken Matthew Stafford, who had been sacked 84 times during the afternoon, was finally engineering what looked to be a successful scoring possession; the Lions' 14 points were off dual pick-sixes.
One play after Stafford led the Lions into Patriots territory, the injured quarterback lobbed up a beautiful pass to Calvin Johnson into the end zone. Johnson caught the ball and made sure he held on to it throughout the duration of the reception. Unlike the controversial call back in 2010, the play was ruled a touchdown, and Johnson happily trotted back to the sidelines.
Unfortunately for the Lions, the replay booth reviewed the call and ultimately decided to overturn it.
"A year ago, that would have been a reception," said former NFL head of officiating Mike Pereira. "The bad news for Calvin Johnson is that he loses yet another game-winning touchdown, but rules are rules."
Pereira was kind enough to walk us through what exactly Johnson did wrong.
"Here's the new rule," Pereira said. "A player must catch the football with two feet inbounds, and maintain control through the entire process. That much we already knew.
"Now, with the new rules in place," Pereira continued, "a player must also possess the ball for 11.95 seconds in the end zone, spin the ball around on the ground five times, and then perform eight cartwheels with the ball in his left hand and four more in his right hand. After this, the player must take a lighter out of his pocket and set the ball aflame. Ten minutes later, the player must put the fire out without using any water."
And if a player does all that, the touchdown stands?
"Probably not, but keep in mind that this rule only applies to Calvin Johnson in game-winning situations," Pereira revealed. "We think Calvin's a douche bag, so we're just trying to screw over him and his fantasy owners the best we can."
Johnson stormed off the field in frustration. Patriots offensive coordinator Eric Mangini eagerly wobbled after him.
"Calvin, I'm going to have a surprise party for myself sometime soon, can you come?" Mangini shouted.
"F*** you and your surprise party, fat boy!" Johnson yelled back.
Mangini slumped away, but remained confident in the post-game interviews.
"Calvin Johnson is one of my three best friends along with Randy Moss and Larry Fitzgerald," Mangini said. "He probably didn't know who I was because I'm wearing new blue-and-red colors. I'll have to ask Emmitt if I can go back to wearing green-and-white colors like I did with the Jets so my cool friends can recognize me."
Emmitt refused to answer any questions regarding Mangini's wardrobe, instead focusing on his team's victory.
"A win the National Conference is very hard to comes by, and to the victory go the spoiled food," Emmitt said. "And I would also like to say that I very proud to be part of histories. No team in the football conference have ever defbeated a quarterback who sit on his behind with a chair with wheel. Christopher Collins discover the United States of American, Neil Armlong discover the moon, Ben Franklin discover the lightnin' bug, and I discover how defbeat a quarterback who sit the whole time durin' the game."
Whether it's a worthy accomplishment or not is certainly up for debate, but the fact remains that Emmitt and his Patriots did in fact make history on Sunday.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
2013 Fantasy Football Rankings - May 21
2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 21
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 20
2013 NBA Mock Draft - May 3
NFL Picks - Feb. 3
© 1999-2013 Walter Cherepinsky : all rights reserved
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