The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, Nov. 7, 2015
When Emmitt learned that "debacled" is not a real word last week, the Patriots' head coach told the media, Bob Kraft, coaching staff and players that he was planning on taking a leave of absence to do some "sold searching." True to his word, Emmitt still isn't back yet.
Offensive coordinator Eric Mangini, installed as one of the dual head coaches along with defensive coordinator JaMarcus Russell, told us that he planned on celebrating the occasion by taking his "almost girlfriend" Erin Andrews to see Shrek 8. By Tuesday, Mangini announced bigger plans.
"I'm going to throw a big Patriots Head Coach party for myself this Friday at Sahara Sam's," Mangini said on Tuesday. "It's going to be awesome. There will be chocolate cake, vanilla cake, pizza, soda and skee ball, and lots of cool people will be there!"
Mangini said he invited all 412 of his Facebook friends, including Randy Moss, Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald. Unfortunately, only three people showed up.
"It sucks," Mangini lamented at the time. "Lots of people had things to do. Calvin Johnson said he had to do social studies homework. Larry Fitzgerald said he had to go to a Bar Mitzvah. And Erin Andrews' dad made her mow the lawn. She always has to mow the lawn on the weekends, so I don't ever get to take her out!"
The three people who attended Mangini's failed bash were Shannon Sharpe, who coincidentally wasn't on the guest list, Todd Haley and Moss; the latter feeling obligated to "get off on the right foot" with his new head coach.
It only got worse from there. First, Mangini made Sharpe sit at another table.
"Shannon, I need to make room for my cool friends just in case they show up," Mangini said.
"ogji w8ghh g rhosiud iuwbg 4gr 5hoi tr nl xv bisdu," Sharpe replied.
"No, Shannon!" Mangini yelled. "You're just not cool enough for the cool table!"
Afterward, Todd Haley took several cassette tapes out of his coat pocket.
"Hey Eric, I filmed the hot chick next door taking a shower the past couple of nights," Haley whispered. "Let's go watch them!"
Mangini didn't get a chance to respond because the Sahara Sam's employees brought out the pizza. Mangini was about to take his first bite when he was interrupted by one of his guests.
"What the f*** is this?" Moss shrieked. "I wouldn't feed this s*** to my f***ing dog!"
Upon hearing this, the Sahara Sam's workers took the pizza and soda away, and asked Mangini and his party to leave.
"They said I can never come back," Mangini cried. "I love Sahara Sam's, and now I won't ever be able to go there again! And it's all Shannon Sharpe's fault. He ruined everything!"
Mangini was granted a game off, meaning the Patriots will be coached by Sharpe and JaMarcus Russell when the team takes on the Redskins on Monday night.
Emmitt, if you're reading this, your team desperately needs you to return.
PATRIOTS OVERCOME COACHING DISADVANTAGE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Nov. 10, 2015
Mike Shanahan is supposed to beat the combination of Shannon Sharpe and JaMarcus Russell. Shanahan is a coaching legend, while Sharpe can't communicate properly and Russell spends more time dissecting Skittles and other various candy than game film.
However, as Chris Berman always says, "That's why they play the games."
In the third quarter of a scoreless game, the Washington Redskins pinned the New England Patriots on the 1-yard line. Assistant to the offensive coordinator Shannon Sharpe pulled quarterback Anthony Morelli aside.
"Haha eh yo, I uhh... throw ball and uhh.. what up, G! Huh?" Morelli replied.
"G3gti 8eg o w rdfbnl reh ofdslafisudv bfk salad dwhg rr ghiu," Sharpe responded.
"Oh haha, uhh... I uhh... throw ball haha and ball go far haha," Morelli beamed, nodding his head.
We're still not sure how the two men understood each other, but Morelli fired a 99-yard touchdown bomb to Randy Moss on the following play.
Later in the game, the Redskins were still down 7-0 with two minutes remaining. As the team took the field out of a timeout, Shanahan pulled Jake Locker aside and told him he was going with the other guy. Locker stared quizzically at Shanahan, as Washington carried only one quarterback on the roster into the game.
Sure enough, however, Shanahan had a Plan B. He called a second timeout and carried a random quadriplegic child out of the stands.
"You can do it son," Shanahan said. "I believe in you. You're so much better than my starting quarterback. You're not fat, and you're smart enough to know our 2-minute offense."
Unfortunately for Shanahan, the quadriplegic was strip-sacked. Linebacker Jerod Mayo scooped up the football and returned it for a touchdown. After the score, Ndamukong Suh came running out of the stands. He attempted to chew on the lifeless limbs of the quadriplegic, but was tranquilized with 30 darts before he had the chance.
Afterward, Shanahan was once again barraged with torrent of questions regarding his quarterbacking switch.
"Guys, do you know how fat Jake Locker is right now?" Shanahan asked. "I asked him to run a 40-yard dash in 2.5 seconds, and he couldn't even do it! And after a 10-hour practice, he complained that he was hungry. That fat bastard is never going to make it in the NFL because he can't get himself in shape."
Two minutes later, Shanahan gave the media a different excuse.
"Jake's been hurt for a while now," Shanahan said. "He has a broken knee. And a broken shoulder. And his tongue is broken too. Oh, and his nail hurts I think. I can't remember if it's his thumb nail or his toe nail, but one of his nails is broken. And his stomach is broken too. Because he's fat."
Defensive coordinator JaMarcus Russell, the highest-ranking coach on New England's roster, fielded questions.
"I very confuse by Shannonhan choice do ya tink so?" Russell said/asked. "Uhh... Lock guy good, and uhh... kid who can't walk or eat Skittle with hand at same time bad player, do ya tink so?"
If Russell can figure that out, we're not sure why Shanahan can't.