Emmitt on the Brink - Season 3: Week 9
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Saturday, Nov. 7, 2015
When Emmitt learned that "debacled" is not a real word last week, the Patriots' head coach told the media, Bob Kraft, coaching staff and players that he was planning on taking a leave of absence to do some "sold searching." True to his word, Emmitt still isn't back yet.
Offensive coordinator Eric Mangini, installed as one of the dual head coaches along with defensive coordinator JaMarcus Russell, told us that he planned on celebrating the occasion by taking his "almost girlfriend" Erin Andrews to see Shrek 8. By Tuesday, Mangini announced bigger plans.
"I'm going to throw a big Patriots Head Coach party for myself this Friday at Sahara Sam's," Mangini said on Tuesday. "It's going to be awesome. There will be chocolate cake, vanilla cake, pizza, soda and skee ball, and lots of cool people will be there!"
Mangini said he invited all 412 of his Facebook friends, including Randy Moss, Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald. Unfortunately, only three people showed up.
"It sucks," Mangini lamented at the time. "Lots of people had things to do. Calvin Johnson said he had to do social studies homework. Larry Fitzgerald said he had to go to a Bar Mitzvah. And Erin Andrews' dad made her mow the lawn. She always has to mow the lawn on the weekends, so I don't ever get to take her out!"
The three people who attended Mangini's failed bash were Shannon Sharpe, who coincidentally wasn't on the guest list, Todd Haley and Moss; the latter feeling obligated to "get off on the right foot" with his new head coach.
It only got worse from there. First, Mangini made Sharpe sit at another table.
"Shannon, I need to make room for my cool friends just in case they show up," Mangini said.
"ogji w8ghh g rhosiud iuwbg 4gr 5hoi tr nl xv bisdu," Sharpe replied.
"No, Shannon!" Mangini yelled. "You're just not cool enough for the cool table!"
Afterward, Todd Haley took several cassette tapes out of his coat pocket.
"Hey Eric, I filmed the hot chick next door taking a shower the past couple of nights," Haley whispered. "Let's go watch them!"
Mangini didn't get a chance to respond because the Sahara Sam's employees brought out the pizza. Mangini was about to take his first bite when he was interrupted by one of his guests.
"What the f*** is this?" Moss shrieked. "I wouldn't feed this s*** to my f***ing dog!"
Upon hearing this, the Sahara Sam's workers took the pizza and soda away, and asked Mangini and his party to leave.
"They said I can never come back," Mangini cried. "I love Sahara Sam's, and now I won't ever be able to go there again! And it's all Shannon Sharpe's fault. He ruined everything!"
Mangini was granted a game off, meaning the Patriots will be coached by Sharpe and JaMarcus Russell when the team takes on the Redskins on Monday night.
Emmitt, if you're reading this, your team desperately needs you to return.
PATRIOTS OVERCOME COACHING DISADVANTAGE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Tuesday, Nov. 10, 2015
Mike Shanahan is supposed to beat the combination of Shannon Sharpe and JaMarcus Russell. Shanahan is a coaching legend, while Sharpe can't communicate properly and Russell spends more time dissecting Skittles and other various candy than game film.
However, as Chris Berman always says, "That's why they play the games."
In the third quarter of a scoreless game, the Washington Redskins pinned the New England Patriots on the 1-yard line. Assistant to the offensive coordinator Shannon Sharpe pulled quarterback Anthony Morelli aside.
"WG98 ef uw ewbni ekjb dfw793 orn hemoglobin weg7e9wj kjtnh tbndf," Sharpe said.
"Haha eh yo, I uhh... throw ball and uhh.. what up, G! Huh?" Morelli replied.
"G3gti 8eg o w rdfbnl reh ofdslafisudv bfk salad dwhg rr ghiu," Sharpe responded.
"Oh haha, uhh... I uhh... throw ball haha and ball go far haha," Morelli beamed, nodding his head.
We're still not sure how the two men understood each other, but Morelli fired a 99-yard touchdown bomb to Randy Moss on the following play.
Later in the game, the Redskins were still down 7-0 with two minutes remaining. As the team took the field out of a timeout, Shanahan pulled Jake Locker aside and told him he was going with the other guy. Locker stared quizzically at Shanahan, as Washington carried only one quarterback on the roster into the game.
Sure enough, however, Shanahan had a Plan B. He called a second timeout and carried a random quadriplegic child out of the stands.
"You can do it son," Shanahan said. "I believe in you. You're so much better than my starting quarterback. You're not fat, and you're smart enough to know our 2-minute offense."
Unfortunately for Shanahan, the quadriplegic was strip-sacked. Linebacker Jerod Mayo scooped up the football and returned it for a touchdown. After the score, Ndamukong Suh came running out of the stands. He attempted to chew on the lifeless limbs of the quadriplegic, but was tranquilized with 30 darts before he had the chance.
Afterward, Shanahan was once again barraged with torrent of questions regarding his quarterbacking switch.
"Guys, do you know how fat Jake Locker is right now?" Shanahan asked. "I asked him to run a 40-yard dash in 2.5 seconds, and he couldn't even do it! And after a 10-hour practice, he complained that he was hungry. That fat bastard is never going to make it in the NFL because he can't get himself in shape."
Two minutes later, Shanahan gave the media a different excuse.
"Jake's been hurt for a while now," Shanahan said. "He has a broken knee. And a broken shoulder. And his tongue is broken too. Oh, and his nail hurts I think. I can't remember if it's his thumb nail or his toe nail, but one of his nails is broken. And his stomach is broken too. Because he's fat."
Defensive coordinator JaMarcus Russell, the highest-ranking coach on New England's roster, fielded questions.
"I very confuse by Shannonhan choice do ya tink so?" Russell said/asked. "Uhh... Lock guy good, and uhh... kid who can't walk or eat Skittle with hand at same time bad player, do ya tink so?"
If Russell can figure that out, we're not sure why Shanahan can't.
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
Season 6, Week 1 - CONTROVERSIAL DIVISIONAL REALIGNMENT IN THE NFL - Sept. 7
Season 6, Week 2 - MORE PUNISHMENT FOR RILEY COOPER - Sept. 14
Season 6, Week 3 - BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE - Sept. 21
Season 6, Week 4 - EMMITT FOUND IN THE MOST UNUSUAL PLACE - Sept. 28
Season 6, Week 5 - EMMITT MEETS WITH FBI FOR LLOYD INVESTIGATION - Oct. 5
Season 6, Week 6 - EMMITT QUESTIONS BOB KRAFT - Oct. 12
Season 6, Week 7 - THE WALKING BUCS - Oct. 19
Season 6, Week 8 - NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS - Oct. 26
Season 6, Week 9 - CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES - Nov. 2
Season 6, Week 10 - MARTIN AND INCOGNITO SQUARE OFF IN TOURNAMENT - Nov. 9
Season 6, Week 11 - NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS - Nov. 16
Season 6, Week 12 - JOSH FREEMAN'S SECRET IS EXPOSED - Nov. 23
Season 6, Week 13 - NFL SUSPENDS MERIWEATHER, HITNER INDEFINITELY - Nov. 30
Season 6, Week 14 - DISASTER STRIKES AT LOWE FAMILY TURKEY BOWL - Dec. 7
Season 6, Week 15 - A FATEFUL BARBEQUE AT BELICHICK'S HOUSE - Dec. 14
Season 6, Week 16 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO AARON HERNANDEZ - Dec. 21
Season 6, Week 17 - TROUBLING TIMES AHEAD - Dec. 28
Season 7, Week 1 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS ESCAPE DOWNTOWN ABBOTT - Sept. 5
Season 7, Week 2 - WHAT HAPPENED TO JOSH GORDON - Sept. 12
Season 7, Week 3 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS LOST AT SEA - Sept. 19
Season 7, Week 4 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS EXPLORE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND - Sept. 26
Season 7, Week 5 - MANZIEL REVEALS SECRET TO EMMITT - Oct. 3
Season 7, Week 6 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS FIND THEMSELVES IN MIDDLE OF GANG WAR - Oct. 10
Season 7, Week 7 - EMMITT CONFRONTS LEADER OF THE BLOODS - Oct. 17
Season 7, Week 8 - JIM IRSAY DESTROYS CRIPS' HEADQUARTERS - Oct. 24
Season 7, Week 9 - EMMITT TRAPPED INSIDE THE TOWN - Oct. 31
Season 7, Week 10 - NEW THREAT IN WALKING BUC APOCALYPSE - Nov. 7
Season 7, Week 11 - DESEAN JACKSON SAVES EMMITT FROM ANDY REID - Nov. 14
Season 7, Week 12 - UNDERSTANDING JUSTIN BIEBERíS POWERS - Nov. 21
Season 7, Week 13 - THIEF THROWS WRENCH INTO PLANS - Nov. 28
Season 7, Week 14 - OLD NEMESIS TRIES TO THWART PLANS - Dec. 5
Season 7, Week 15 - ADRIAN PETERSON'S STORY - Dec. 12
Season 7, Week 16 - GATHERING THE WALKING BUCS - Dec. 19
NFL Picks - Dec. 22
2015 NFL Mock Draft - Dec. 17
Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 5
2016 NFL Mock Draft - July 24
2015 NBA Mock Draft - July 1
NFL Free Agents
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