Emmitt on the Brink - Season 5: Week 11
Emmitt on the Brink.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt's quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!
A WILD NIGHT AT MANGINI'S BACHELOR PARTY
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Saturday, Nov. 11, 2017
It's safe to say that Philip Rivers was taken aback when Eric Mangini asked him to be the best man at his wedding. The news also came as a surprise to us, as Mangini told us the news as soon as he got off the phone with Rivers. We thought it would be Shannon Sharpe all along, as both he and Mangini have been inseparable over the years, but Mangini shocked us all with this announcement, especially considering that Rivers has publicly humiliated him maliciously and relentlessly over the years.
"Shannon? Why would I make Shannon the best man? He's not nearly as cool as Philip," Mangini told us. "Philip will know how to pull off an awesome bachelor party and make my wedding the most memorable ever. Shannon would just ruin everything. In fact, the only reason I'm even inviting Shannon to the wedding is because my mom told me that I have to. She said that she wouldn't make me macaroni and cheese if I didn't invite Shannon, and I love macaroni and cheese."
We don't know why anyone would want to actually be the best man in a wedding where the groom is that pathetic, but Sharpe did express sorrowfulness when we asked him about it.
"WGHoW bkgbr d3f a rwg worgenrn popsicle sdhg3bgkr or o4hetngsldnbdshore oro rog g4s fudge gor net nboad g9eg eth elj sd paperweight eon hn os n t5s phep sn sog elh nto," Sharpe said with a tear in his eye.
Mangini is set to get married tonight. He and his bride-to-be, Asian Erin Andrews, opted to tie the knot this week while Emmitt and his crew tried to collect enough money to fly to Florida so they could continue their search for the main culprit in Spygate II. Emmitt admitted that he had mixed feelings at the moment.
"I definitely have missed feelins," Emmitt said. "On one hand, my friend the Mangina getting' married even those he stoledened my credit car fromed me a couple of month ago and try to buy his almost wife jewelry with it, but he happy and I am happy for himselves. On the other foot, Jonathan Vilmer stuffin' pet hamster, mayonnaise, snake and mustard into guys' behinds, so we have to get on the balls and try to find this rimleader and bring him to injustice."
Rivers brought Mangini, Emmitt, Sharpe and the other guys attending the bachelor party to a strip joint in downtown Chicago. This is exactly what Mangini wanted, as Rivers told us.
"I have no idea why this loser wanted me to be his best man - I mean, seriously, I haven't even spoken to him in a couple of years since I tried to ruin his life - but I'm all about having fun at strip joints, so why the hell not?" Rivers said.
The night kicked off innocently enough. Several strippers came out and several of them gave an overwhelmed Mangini a lap dance. However, things got a little weird soon enough. Having consumed several drinks, Mangini began asking the strippers strange questions.
"Hey, Jazzy, I know we just met, but I think I'm in love with you - do you think you'll want to be my girlfriend?" Mangini asked.
Jazzy, a blonde stripper, was perplexed by the question and asked, "Wait, aren't you the guy getting married? How could you want to be my boyfriend when you're about to get married? And you just met me, so why would you even ask that anyway? You don't even know my real name!"
Mangini then got even weirder with a brunette stripper named Diamond.
"Hey, Diamond, I really like you... is it OK if I hang up pictures of you in the wall of my bedroom?" Mangini asked. "Don't worry, I won't show the pictures to anyone else. I'll just enjoy them on my own."
Diamond screamed "creep!" and ran away. No one seemed to notice though because everyone else was having a good time - everyone, that is, except for Rivers, who quietly filmed Mangini's encounters with the strippers.
"Heh, heh, heh," Rivers laughed under his breath. "I'm going to show these videos to Asian Erin Andrews, and then she'll leave you for me and I will have my ultimate revenge! Muhahahaha!"
RIVERS ATTEMPTS TO SABOTAGE MANGINI'S WEDDING
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Monday, Nov. 13, 2017
As it turns out, Philip Rivers really hates Eric Mangini. We're still not sure why, but despite being the best man, Rivers tried his best to ruin Mangini's wedding. Rivers, who videotaped Mangini being promiscuous and weird with the strippers at his bachelor party, approached Asian Erin Andrews hours prior to the wedding.
"What do you want Phirrip Rivers?" Asian Erin Andrews asked.
"It pains me to say this, especially being the best man and all, but I don't believe that the Mangin... I mean Eric Mangini truly loves you," Rivers said. "I know, I know, I should be on his side being the best man, but really, what kind of best man would I be if I didn't make sure that this wedding was best for both parties?"
Rivers flipped open his phone. He pressed play and watched gleefully as Asian Erin Andrews watched in bewilderment as her future husband proposition the strippers Friday night.
"What do you think?" Rivers asked with a smirk. "I think you know what to do. Dump the Mangina and come bang me in my hotel room for some revenge sex. You know you want to."
Asian Erin Andrews seemed unsure of herself. She seemed intrigued by the offer, but at the same time, she was hesitant. She apparently had an important question she had to ask Rivers.
"Phirrip Rivers, you show me a video from a bacheror party, but I have question for you," Asian Erin Andrews said. "My husband Mangina buy me so much a jewerry rike diamond and braceret. He buy me a twevre piece jewerry rast week. How much jewerry can you buy me if we go to your hoter room?"
Rivers went from pleased to disgusted in an instant. And then he had a huge smile on his face.
"Wait, so you're not marrying Mangina out of love!?" Rivers shrieked. "You just want his money? Ha! Never mind about the sex proposition. I was approaching this the wrong way!"
Rivers bolted out of the room, undoubtedly wasting no time devising a new way to sabotage Mangini's wedding. Rivers' chance came hours later, when Mangini and Asian Erin Andrews were at the altar. When the minister officiating the wedding asked if anyone objected, Rivers raised his hands. There were gasps from the audience - it's unlikely that anyone at the ceremony had ever witnessed a best man trying to stop a wedding.
"I have something to say to you, Eric, and I feel as though I need to because I'm your best man and best friend and all," Rivers said, trying his best not to laugh. "I had a talk with Asian Erin Andrews prior to the ceremony, and I discovered that she's only using you for your m..."
Before Rivers could finish, however, six ninjas surrounded him. One of them threw a smoke bomb, and all but that one ninja vanished. Rivers and the five ninjas were gone.
"It is a preasure to serve our reader," the sixth ninja said, bowing to Shannon Sharpe before disappearing himself.
Indeed, Sharpe, the man spurned by his best friend, saved the day. Mangini, who should've been thanking him, expressed frustration.
"Wait... Shannon saved the wedding!? What!?" shouted an incredulous Mangini. "Umm... I don't care if Philip had a good reason for stopping the wedding. What matters is that the coolest guy I invited - my best man - is gone because Shannon's goons got rid of him. It's not fair! I want cool people at my wedding!"
We can't say we're surprised by Magnini's remarks - or the ones made by Asian Erin Andrews, who was beginning to second guess herself.
"That brack guy who arways forrow Mangina around very very powerfur," Asian Erin Andrews said under her breath. "Maybe I should marry brack guy instead because he probabry give me a more jewerry than Mangina."
Emmitt on the Brink Archive:
Emmitt on the Brink Home Page
Season 1, Week 1 - PATRIOTS WIN 84-0 ON SUNDAY; LOSE ON MONDAY - Sept. 12
Season 1, Week 2 - PATRIOTS WIN 11-4 AMID CONFUSION; VICK ARRESTED - Sept. 19
Season 1, Week 3 - PATRIOTS ESCAPE WITH 7-2 WIN; BENGALS FLEE STADIUM - Sept. 26
Season 1, Week 4 - PATRIOTS-LIONS GAME MOVED TO...? - Oct. 3
Season 1, Week 5 - EMMITT'S PLAN TO NEUTRALIZE CHIEFS, TEBOWS FAILS - Oct. 10
Season 1, Week 6 - EMMITT SUSPENDS TWO COACHES; DEVISES OWN GAMEPLAN - Oct. 17
Season 1, Week 7 - AL DAVIS FINDS PROOF OF SABOTAGE; FILES GRIEVANCE - Oct. 24
Season 1, Week 8 - PATRIOTS PREPARE FOR DECLINING DOLPHINS - Oct. 31
Season 1, Week 9 - STEROID SCANDAL HITS FOXBOROUGH - Nov. 7
Season 1, Week 10 - EMMITT TO APPEAR ON REALITY TV SHOW - Nov. 14
Season 1, Week 11 - MORELLI SUSPENSION PENDING; CBS' PORTER CRITICIZES GOODELL - Nov. 21
Season 1, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY RUINED - Nov. 28
Season 1, Week 13 - CRENNEL EDGES REID IN CHARITY EVENT - Dec. 5
Season 1, Week 14 - MORE THAN 100 NFL PLAYERS TO BE SUSPENDED - Dec. 12
Season 1, Week 15 - COACH NEARLY MISSES INTERNATIONAL GAME - Dec. 19
Season 1, Week 16 - PATRIOTS FIGURE TO ROLL IN MIAMI - Dec. 26
Season 1, Week 17 - AFC PLAYOFF PREVIEW - Jan. 2
Season 1, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 9
Season 1, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 1, Week 20 - PATRIOTS TO THE SUPER BOWL! - Jan. 23
Season 1, Week 21 - DID THE PATRIOTS WIN IT ALL WITH EMMITT? - Jan. 31
Season 2, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2014 SEASON AGAINST THE JETS - Sept. 18
Season 2, Week 2 - JERRY JONES MAKES SURPRISING ANNOUNCEMENT AT HIS WEDDING - Sept. 25
Season 2, Week 3 - MICHAEL VICK SAVES THE DAY IN EAGLES LOSS - Oct. 2
Season 2, Week 4 - AL DAVIS UNLEASHES SECRET WEAPON AGAINST PATRIOTS - Oct. 9
Season 2, Week 5 - MAJOR CHANGES PREVALENT THROUGHOUT THE LEAGUE - Oct. 16
Season 2, Week 6 - PATRIOTS WIN ON A CULTURAL NIGHT IN MIAMI - Oct. 23
Season 2, Week 7 - DANIEL SNYDER HIRES NEW COACHES - Oct. 30
Season 2, Week 8 - SEVERAL PATRIOTS TO APPEAR ON GAME SHOWS - Nov. 6
Season 2, Week 9 - FAVRE RUINS PACKER PLANS AGAIN - Nov. 13
Season 2, Week 10 - PATRIOTS COULD BE IN TROUBLE AGAIN - Nov. 20
Season 2, Week 11 - PATRIOTS HIRE FORMER NO. 1 PICK, SPY - Nov. 27
Season 2, Week 12 - MANGINI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY RUINED AGAIN - Dec. 4
Season 2, Week 13 - THANKSGIVING GAME RECAPS - Dec. 11
Season 2, Week 14 - PATS, BILLS TRAVEL TO NORTH KOREA - Dec. 18
Season 2, Week 15 - PATRIOTS PRACTICE CANCELED; LAUGHING GAS RELEASED - Dec. 26
Season 2, Week 16 - PATRIOTS ONE WIN AWAY FROM PERFECTION - Jan. 2
Season 2, Week 17 - PERFECTION AGAIN - Jan. 9
Season 2, Week 18 - PLAYOFF ROUND 1 RESULTS - Jan. 16
Season 2, Week 19 - PLAYOFF ROUND 2 RESULTS - Jan. 23
Season 2, Week 20 - PATRIOTS ADVANCE TO SUPER BOWL; WILL FACE RAMS AGAIN - Jan. 30
Season 2, Week 21 - PATRIOTS CRUISE TO EASY SUPER BOWL VICTORY; BECOME FIRST TEAM TO GO 19-0 - Feb. 14
Season 3, Week 1 - PATRIOTS KICK OFF 2015 SEASON AGAINST THE DOLPHINS - Sept. 11
Season 3, Week 2 - PATRIOTS FACE AN EASY CHALLENGE AGAINST INJURED LIONS - Sept. 18
Season 3, Week 3 - PATRIOTS AWARDED WIN AS JETS STADIUM IS IN RUINS - Sept. 25
Season 3, Week 4 - PATRIOTS FACE COWBOYS' SECRET WEAPON - Oct. 2
Season 3, Week 5 - PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM - Oct. 9
Season 3, Week 6 - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN HOT WATER AGAIN - Oct. 16
Season 3, Week 7 - GOODELL AIMS TO IMPROVE PLAYER SAFETY; LEAGUE ANGERED - Oct. 23
Season 3, Week 8 - EMMITT DISTRAUGHT AFTER WAR OF WORDS WITH DENVER COACH - Oct. 30
Season 3, Week 9 - MANGINI'S CELEBRATION RUINED; COACH TO MISS GAME - Nov. 6
Season 3, Week 10 - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TO MAKE CAMEO APPEARANCE ON ENCOURAGE - Nov. 13
Season 3, Week 11 - AL DAVIS' DARK MAGIC BACKFIRES; PATRIOTS NOW 10-0 - Nov. 20
Season 3, Week 12 - EMMITT RETURNS TO PATRIOTS AFTER INTERVIEW - Nov. 27
Season 3, Week 13 - FORMER QUARTERBACK HOLDS SYMPOSIUM - Dec. 4
Season 3, Week 14 - PATRIOTS DRAFT SON OF FORMER NFL QUARTERBACK - Dec. 11
Season 3, Week 15 - EAGLES RECEIVER LEADS ALL PLAYERS IN PRO BOWL VOTING - Dec. 18
Season 3, Week 16 - PATRIOTS-VIKINGS GAME TO BE MOVED - Dec. 25
Season 3, Week 17 - WEATHER RUINS PATRIOTS-JETS FINALE - Jan. 1
Season 3, Week 18 - PATRIOTS, RAIDERS AWAIT WINNERS OF WILD CARD ROUND - Jan. 8
Season 3, Week 19 - PATRIOTS-RAIDERS TO MEET IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR - Jan. 15
Season 3, Week 20 - OLD FOE RETURNS TO HELP PATRIOTS VANQUISH RAIDERS IN AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Jan. 22
Season 3, Week 21 - PATRIOTS REPEAT AS CHAMPIONS - Feb. 8
Season 4, Week 1 - EMMITT LOOKING FOR WORK - Sept. 11
Season 4, Week 2 - CHRIS JOHNSON WANTS MORE MONEY - Sept. 18
Season 4, Week 3 - ARIAN FOSTER INJURED, ARRESTED AND SUSPENDED - Sept. 25
Season 4, Week 4 - DESEAN JACKSON BANNED FROM NFL - Oct. 2
Season 4, Week 5 - EMMITT REPLACES HANK WILLIAMS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL - Oct. 8
Season 4, Week 6 - ANDY REID ON THE HOT SEAT AGAIN - Oct. 15
Season 4, Week 7 - HARBAUGH, SCHWARTZ PREPARE FOR BATTLE - Oct. 22
Season 4, Week 8 - NO TEAMS SHOW UP FOR TERRELL OWENS' WORKOUT AGAIN - Oct. 29
Season 4, Week 9 - JAMARCUS RUSSELL DISCUSSES COACHING STRATEGY - Nov. 5
Season 4, Week 10 - SANDUSKY BLOWS WHISTLE ON VICK - Nov. 12
Season 4, Week 11 - VICK DOG RAPE FALLOUT - Nov. 19
Season 4, Week 12 - SUH ASSIGNED TO ANGER MANAGEMENT - Nov. 26
Season 4, Week 13 - SKITTLE WARRIORS FAIL TO ISSUE VERDICT ON STEVE JOHNSON - Dec. 3
Season 4, Week 14 - EMMITT STOPS EVIL TIM TEBOW - Dec. 10
Season 4, Week 15 - SKITTLE WARRIORS ARREST SAM HURD - Dec. 17
Season 4, Week 16 - THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED; HELL IS UPON US - Dec. 24
Season 4, Week 17 - NEW NFL LOCKOUT HAS EVERYONE MIFFED - Dec. 31
Season 5, Week 1 - ALL SAINTS' GAMES SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE - Sept. 3
Season 5, Week 2 - BOUNTYGATE II SEXUAL ACTS CONTINUE - Sept. 10
Season 5, Week 3 - REPLACEMENT OFFICIAL TARGETED AS MAJOR SUSPECT IN BOUNTYGATE II - Sept. 17
Season 5, Week 4 - GREG SCHIANO GOES TOO FAR THIS TIME - Sept. 24
Season 5, Week 5 - POLICE STRIKE OVER; EMMITT HAS WARRANT IN HAND - Oct. 1
Season 5, Week 6 - ROGER GOODELL ARRESTED AND RELEASED - Oct. 8
Season 5, Week 7 - A LONG, BUT USEFUL DETOUR FOR EMMITT AND HIS CREW - Oct. 15
Season 5, Week 8 - EMMITT IS ARRESTED! - Oct. 22
Season 5, Week 9 - EMMITT FINDS A FRIEND IN JAIL - Oct. 29
Season 5, Week 10 - NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO CONVICT JONATHAN VILMA - Nov. 7
Season 5, Week 11 - ERIC MANGINI AND ASIAN ERIN ANDREWS' WEDDING - Nov. 14
Season 5, Week 12 - BOUNTYGATE II GOES BEYOND THE NFL - Nov. 21
Season 5, Week 13 - JERRY JONES FINALLY FIRES HIMSELF - Nov. 28
Season 5, Week 14 - EMMITT FINALLY ON RIGHT TRACK TO FINDING BOUNTYGATE II MASTERMIND - Dec. 5
Season 5, Week 15 - EMMITT FINALLY MEETS MASTERMIND OF BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 12
Season 5, Week 16 - EMMITT'S FRIENDS TO THE RESCUE! - Dec. 19
Season 5, Week 17 - EMMITT AND FRIENDS REWARDED FOR ENDING BOUNTYGATE II - Dec. 26
2013 Fantasy Football Rankings - June 19
2014 NFL Mock Draft - June 18
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - June 17
2013 NBA Mock Draft - May 22
NFL Picks - Feb. 3
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