(I think my math is right.)
A lot has changed in the last five weeks - I don't even remember putting Carson Wentz on my board and now he's heavily projected to go 2nd overall - so this should be an interesting change of pace from my last draft. Updates will be weekly or bi-weekly from here on out.
The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, Nov. 11, 2017
It's safe to say that Philip Rivers was taken aback when Eric Mangini asked him to be the best man at his wedding. The news also came as a surprise to us, as Mangini told us the news as soon as he got off the phone with Rivers. We thought it would be Shannon Sharpe all along, as both he and Mangini have been inseparable over the years, but Mangini shocked us all with this announcement, especially considering that Rivers has publicly humiliated him maliciously and relentlessly over the years.
"Shannon? Why would I make Shannon the best man? He's not nearly as cool as Philip," Mangini told us. "Philip will know how to pull off an awesome bachelor party and make my wedding the most memorable ever. Shannon would just ruin everything. In fact, the only reason I'm even inviting Shannon to the wedding is because my mom told me that I have to. She said that she wouldn't make me macaroni and cheese if I didn't invite Shannon, and I love macaroni and cheese."
We don't know why anyone would want to actually be the best man in a wedding where the groom is that pathetic, but Sharpe did express sorrowfulness when we asked him about it.
"WGHoW bkgbr d3f a rwg worgenrn popsicle sdhg3bgkr or o4hetngsldnbdshore oro rog g4s fudge gor net nboad g9eg eth elj sd paperweight eon hn os n t5s phep sn sog elh nto," Sharpe said with a tear in his eye.
Mangini is set to get married tonight. He and his bride-to-be, Asian Erin Andrews, opted to tie the knot this week while Emmitt and his crew tried to collect enough money to fly to Florida so they could continue their search for the main culprit in Spygate II. Emmitt admitted that he had mixed feelings at the moment.
"I definitely have missed feelins," Emmitt said. "On one hand, my friend the Mangina getting' married even those he stoledened my credit car fromed me a couple of month ago and try to buy his almost wife jewelry with it, but he happy and I am happy for himselves. On the other foot, Jonathan Vilmer stuffin' pet hamster, mayonnaise, snake and mustard into guys' behinds, so we have to get on the balls and try to find this rimleader and bring him to injustice."
Rivers brought Mangini, Emmitt, Sharpe and the other guys attending the bachelor party to a strip joint in downtown Chicago. This is exactly what Mangini wanted, as Rivers told us.
"I have no idea why this loser wanted me to be his best man - I mean, seriously, I haven't even spoken to him in a couple of years since I tried to ruin his life - but I'm all about having fun at strip joints, so why the hell not?" Rivers said.
The night kicked off innocently enough. Several strippers came out and several of them gave an overwhelmed Mangini a lap dance. However, things got a little weird soon enough. Having consumed several drinks, Mangini began asking the strippers strange questions.
"Hey, Jazzy, I know we just met, but I think I'm in love with you - do you think you'll want to be my girlfriend?" Mangini asked.
Jazzy, a blonde stripper, was perplexed by the question and asked, "Wait, aren't you the guy getting married? How could you want to be my boyfriend when you're about to get married? And you just met me, so why would you even ask that anyway? You don't even know my real name!"
Mangini then got even weirder with a brunette stripper named Diamond.
"Hey, Diamond, I really like you... is it OK if I hang up pictures of you in the wall of my bedroom?" Mangini asked. "Don't worry, I won't show the pictures to anyone else. I'll just enjoy them on my own."
Diamond screamed "creep!" and ran away. No one seemed to notice though because everyone else was having a good time - everyone, that is, except for Rivers, who quietly filmed Mangini's encounters with the strippers.
"Heh, heh, heh," Rivers laughed under his breath. "I'm going to show these videos to Asian Erin Andrews, and then she'll leave you for me and I will have my ultimate revenge! Muhahahaha!"
RIVERS ATTEMPTS TO SABOTAGE MANGINI'S WEDDING
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Nov. 13, 2017
As it turns out, Philip Rivers really hates Eric Mangini. We're still not sure why, but despite being the best man, Rivers tried his best to ruin Mangini's wedding. Rivers, who videotaped Mangini being promiscuous and weird with the strippers at his bachelor party, approached Asian Erin Andrews hours prior to the wedding.
"What do you want Phirrip Rivers?" Asian Erin Andrews asked.
"It pains me to say this, especially being the best man and all, but I don't believe that the Mangin... I mean Eric Mangini truly loves you," Rivers said. "I know, I know, I should be on his side being the best man, but really, what kind of best man would I be if I didn't make sure that this wedding was best for both parties?"
Rivers flipped open his phone. He pressed play and watched gleefully as Asian Erin Andrews watched in bewilderment as her future husband proposition the strippers Friday night.
"What do you think?" Rivers asked with a smirk. "I think you know what to do. Dump the Mangina and come bang me in my hotel room for some revenge sex. You know you want to."
Asian Erin Andrews seemed unsure of herself. She seemed intrigued by the offer, but at the same time, she was hesitant. She apparently had an important question she had to ask Rivers.
"Phirrip Rivers, you show me a video from a bacheror party, but I have question for you," Asian Erin Andrews said. "My husband Mangina buy me so much a jewerry rike diamond and braceret. He buy me a twevre piece jewerry rast week. How much jewerry can you buy me if we go to your hoter room?"
Rivers went from pleased to disgusted in an instant. And then he had a huge smile on his face.
"Wait, so you're not marrying Mangina out of love!?" Rivers shrieked. "You just want his money? Ha! Never mind about the sex proposition. I was approaching this the wrong way!"
Rivers bolted out of the room, undoubtedly wasting no time devising a new way to sabotage Mangini's wedding. Rivers' chance came hours later, when Mangini and Asian Erin Andrews were at the altar. When the minister officiating the wedding asked if anyone objected, Rivers raised his hands. There were gasps from the audience - it's unlikely that anyone at the ceremony had ever witnessed a best man trying to stop a wedding.
"I have something to say to you, Eric, and I feel as though I need to because I'm your best man and best friend and all," Rivers said, trying his best not to laugh. "I had a talk with Asian Erin Andrews prior to the ceremony, and I discovered that she's only using you for your m..."
Before Rivers could finish, however, six ninjas surrounded him. One of them threw a smoke bomb, and all but that one ninja vanished. Rivers and the five ninjas were gone.
"It is a preasure to serve our reader," the sixth ninja said, bowing to Shannon Sharpe before disappearing himself.
Indeed, Sharpe, the man spurned by his best friend, saved the day. Mangini, who should've been thanking him, expressed frustration.
"Wait... Shannon saved the wedding!? What!?" shouted an incredulous Mangini. "Umm... I don't care if Philip had a good reason for stopping the wedding. What matters is that the coolest guy I invited - my best man - is gone because Shannon's goons got rid of him. It's not fair! I want cool people at my wedding!"
We can't say we're surprised by Magnini's remarks - or the ones made by Asian Erin Andrews, who was beginning to second guess herself.
"That brack guy who arways forrow Mangina around very very powerfur," Asian Erin Andrews said under her breath. "Maybe I should marry brack guy instead because he probabry give me a more jewerry than Mangina."