The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Sept. 5, 2017
What is it with the Saints and Patriots? Why can't these franchises learn from their mistakes? New England, of course, was punished in 2013 because Bill Belichick once again spied on another team in an event that was dubbed Spygate II. The Saints, meanwhile, were severely punished for Bountygate, where defensive coordinator Gregg Williams and other coaches paid their defenders to knock opposing players out of the game.
New Orleans is once again in hot water. Sean Payton, with the help of Williams, who acted as a paid, outside consultant, once again gave money to their own players to commit heinous acts on the football field. Only this time, the coaches' demands were much more sinister. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell alerted the media of this during yesterday's press conference.
"It has come to my attention that the New Orleans Saints once again circumvented the salary cap system to put bounties on other players," Goodell said. "They did not want to give members of other teams concussions or broken bones, or anything like that though. What they aimed to accomplish cannot be said publicly because children could be listening."
We'll do it because we're not pansies like other media networks. Payton and Williams paid their own players to touch others inappropriately. For example, if Payton and Williams handed $1,000 to Jonathan Vilma, he would only have to fondle an opposing quarterback's junk for several seconds after sacking him. For $5,000, Vilma would sneak into the other team's locker room and forcibly do stuff orally to a poor individual. And for $10,000? Well, you don't even want to know. Let's just say that mayonnaise, hamsters, toast and buttocks were involved.
What was the point of these acts? Goodell shed some light on that.
"It should be obvious what the Saints were doing here," Goodell stated. "They were trying to intimidate the players on the other team. Not physically, mind you; it was more mental than anything. Think about it. If you're about to play a contact sport with another guy, would you feel comfortable if he tries to pleasure you sexually? I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that, of course."
Williams and Payton were caught red-handed this time because Falcons' receiver Roddy White had enough foresight to stash a video camera in his locker. When Vilma approached White carrying a brown hamster, a tub of mayonnaise and two pieces of toast, White knew that he would be the Saints' final victim.
"Man, I knew they've been mayonnaisin' and hamsterin' guys' behinds for years," White said. "They got Steve Smith a couple of times; that's why he's so mad. I always kept a camera hidden so they'd get caught if they tried mayonnaisin' and hamsterin' me."
Williams, meanwhile, expressed deep frustration that they were discovered a second time.
"This is ridiculous," yelled an irate Williams as he was taken away into custody, "No one ever told me that I can't pay my players to mayonnaise and hamster other players' a**holes! What the f***!"
As for Payton? Well, his words caught Goodell's attention.
"I'm afraid that Roger Goodell will no longer allow me to be the head coach," Payton lamented. "It shames me that I disappointed my master, who developed this great plan."
Master? Great plan? What's going on here?
"There is obviously a conspiracy going on here," Goodell admitted. "But don't worry. Not only am I going to cancel all Saints' games in the near future; I'm also going to put my best man on the job to hunt down this devious mastermind."
We certainly hope that Goodell's "best man" is successful. If this is allowed to continue, no one will ever want to play football again.
GOODELL FINDS HIS MAN
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Sept. 7, 2017
It certainly didn't take NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell very long to find the right man to help bring down the Saints' Bountygate II conspiracy. And upon hearing Goodell's choice, we're ashamed that we didn't offer a prediction when we first reported the story.
"There's only one man for the job," Goodell announced during his Wednesday press conference. "Back in 2013, when I wanted to penalize the Patriots for Spygate II, I sent him in to be their head coach. That worked wonders. Now, I want his magic touch yet again. And when I say magic touch, I don't mean anything in a gay way because that would be weird. Not that there's anything wrong with that."
Goodell glanced around nervously at all of the reporters and wiped sweat off his brow.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the media, I give to you our only hope to find the true mastermind of Bountygate II, Mr. Emmitt Smith!"
Though journalists are supposed to remain unbiased, the room erupted in applause. Perhaps the reporters were delighted that Emmitt would once again provide them with some great writing material with his patented grammatically challenged quotes.
"I am please to be serve," Emmitt started, fumbling through his words as he always does. "I... uhh... Roger Goldman call me on the telephone on Tuesday evening yesterday. He say that the Saint goes into trouble once again. I say, �I cannot believe the Saint push his luck by committin' the same crime twice, two time in a rows. That call double jeopardy, where the point become triple and the man with the mustache's questionin' become even harder.'"
We wanted to ask Emmitt why he wasn't stating all of this in the form of a question, but we decided to let him continue.
"It is one thing for a man to perform sexuals on another man without his consensus, but it is another thing to involve innocence animal," Emmitt said. "What do the innocence animal do to be involve in this? How many innocence hamster and innocence mayonnaise need to be hurt before somebody step up and defend theirself? Hamster and mayonnaise just want to live their lifes in the wildness where no human being gonna stop themself from livin' the free life of the animal kingdom."
Wait, what? Mayonnaise is an animal? Since when?
"My son, Emmitt Smith Jr. the IV love to go to the zoo to see all the plant and animal," Emmitt continued, as the reporters in the room tried their hardest to contain their laughter. "Emmitt Smith Jr. the III particularly like the lion, tiger and horse with stripe, but he also enjoy watchin' the hamster and the mayonnaise."
We must have missed the mayonnaise the exhibit the last time we went to the zoo - granted that was a long time ago.
"I accept this challenge from Roger Goodman because I want to do this for the kids," Emmitt said, beaming at the camera. "Our children love animal, and if the Saint gonna do damage to the animal in the backside, somebody have to stop it, and that somebody is myselves."
Emmitt then revealed the first step of his plan.
"First thing tomorrow mornin', I'm gonna call the telephone number of PETER," Emmitt said. "Well, first thing first, I need to locate my telephone, but then I'm gonna ring the number of PETER, the group that like the animal as much as the children and myselves. For those of you who do not known, PETER stand for Pet... uhh... umm... Pet Electric Tiger Elephant Register. They specialize in takin' care of the elephant and the electric tiger and the pet, but I saw on the poster that they also specialize in helpin' the hamster and the mayonnaise."
We'd say Goodell has lost his mind by enlisting Emmitt's services for this, but who are we to argue with past results? Emmitt solved the Patriots' problems in the wake of Spygate II, so perhaps he'll prove everyone wrong again by unmasking the mastermind of Bountygate II.